Keep hoping

Preventative care: I already took paracetamol. Cause? I got back to the gym today. Hoorah! Stretched my legs out (ow), did some stomach exercises (ow), did some arm exercises (ow) and did the bikes for a strong 30 minutes. My legs felt all wobbly as I walked back home. I am red in the face and I worked up a good sweat. Totally satisfied. And if I don’t get out for a late afternoon walk, that’s fine. I did enough for today.

The reason for such a turn around? Managed a triple header yesterday: hoovered up the front rooms, baked T some marijuana brownies, AND got a good walk in. I felt as ready for the gym today as I could after 4 years (Yikes! Four years!) of inactivity and sloth. Which was not ready at all, but that’s the way it goes.

Saw that our tv system got one or two new(er) shows in to watch so I gave them a try. One was Sanditon. I’ve heard about this show, how it’s become the new period drama from the BBC that’s all the rage. I’m sure it didn’t help that prime began me on season 2 rather than season 1. But how am I supposed to feel about this re-writing of history? Must every 19th century female be portrayed as a feminist when that wasn’t the case? And how are we justified by claiming that people of colour could think to stand alongside their white compatriots as equals? It just didn’t happen. But you wouldn’t know that if you watched tv. You’d think there was no slavery and that black and brown people were welcome into the highest ranks of society without being servants. Isn’t that a bigger load of bullshit than anything else? Can’t we show black women facing real problems that black women would have faced, like being raped by their owners or having their children sold to other owners? These were real issues that affected real people. Not this fake oh the black woman is welcomed by all to high society and marries some duke or baron shit. Isn’t that more offensive than the truth? Isn’t that a higher degree of white washing? I think so. Somehow we were able to come up with an award winning show (Downton Abbey) that showed the upper and the working classes (both white) in one go. Can’t we create a show showing both the owners and the slaves and their interactions to the same degree? Something that would acknowledge all sides of what went on, from the worst to the best. I think we’re more than capable. But we don’t have it and I doubt we’ll see it soon. Now THAT’S white washing.

Tried online old language exams available thru the gov’t site. Was surprised by how easy it was. I just opened up the reading exam and thought I’d take a look at it. I ended up answering all the questions in an area and achieving 100%. My goal is to take a go at the other exams: listening, speaking and writing. If it seems like I can just do it, I’ll sign up for the July exam dates. Dr T tried to tell me these exams were easier than I was anticipating. And if I can spend only 50 euro per exam and have a good chance of simply passing them all or even most of them, well, that’s a lot cheaper than finding some class to get me back to speed. And having high scores on the exams will help me get a job. I know the question of where’s my Dutch at? is my biggest obstacle right now. So I’ll have a go at the old exams online during this week.

No band on Wednesday. Yea! I’m not really ready for it. Haven’t done anything with music. Yet. I’ll get there.

Feeling pretty damned positive at the moment, which is a far cry from where I was just a day or two ago. Two days ago I was having heart palpitations when I thought of job hunting. That I had no chance at anything other than manual labour. That my Dutch was so bad and so rusty and I was out of it I could never aspire to a real job in an office. Today I don’t feel that way. I’ll chalk a good portion up to my endorphins, which are coursing thru my body after my work out. The other portion is just feeling more confident about my language abilities. And I know I can always sign up for one or two of the exams, pass them, and then tackle the other ones at a later date.

And it’s not even close to anything I felt when I had to do the CPA exam. Now THAT was stressful!

Still gotta hit the shower and clean my hair. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow? Today I just want to rest and keep patting myself on the back. Maybe try another exam area later on while T is at his language class.

A word on the ghosts in the house. Have not again had the building front door open of its own accord. And while it startled me when it happened, it was one of the most useful things a ghost has ever done for me. I kinda miss it. There have been bangs and knocks. Nothing out of the ordinary. I AM glad to say that who or whatever was knocking in my room as I tried to fall asleep has given up (sorry for this) the ghost (ha effing ha). For awhile there I coulda set the clock to it (and no, it wasn’t coming from the apt downstairs, it was definitely IN my room). T hasn’t bought more lemons yet, but we are going to get some later today for schnitzel (yum!) and a new batch of Mexican mince (double yum!). So we’ll see if they poop out fast. We plan to use them within 48 hours, so I hope we won’t lose any. No new marks on either T or me. So for now, things are quiet again.

And while I feel fat, and I AM fatter than I’ve been in many, many decades, I’m not THAT fat. This should come off pretty easily. Things like having fresh strawberry and banana smoothies (homemade with no extra sugar) instead of cinnamon rolls should help, too. Mmmm! Summertime. When every fruit is in season and so perfect! I’m gonna eat my fill, as usual. Strawberries, pineapple, bananas, cherries, pears, lemons, limes, blueberries, blackberries, gimme gimme gimme! It’s so easy to make 5 a day during summer. And the veg is just as perfect, just as delicious.

Want to stay on this upswing if possible. I’ll keep going. Keep testing myself, keep pushing my body.

Keep hoping.

Some things stay the same

A word to any man thinking about committing suicide in order to draw attention to the plight of women in ANY country: FORGET IT!. Okay, I guess that was two words. Nonetheless, the comment stands. Your suicide does not help any woman anywhere. In fact, the end result is this: you’re leaving those same women behind to face their fates without your help. It is the single most egotistical and patriarchal thing you could ever do. Shame on you, from here to eternity! Stay and fight for women. Don’t check out like a little chicken shit and leave the women alone with all the assholes who will continue to persecute and use them. This Iranian guy who committed suicide shouldn’t be in the news. Or if he IS in the news, it should be with all I just said. That he was weak, he did NOTHING to help ANY woman, and that if you feel women are being treated poorly, fucking get up off your lazy and scared asses and DO something about it.

Yeah. That one really got to me. I’m glad there are men who care, but I’m totally disappointed with their damned half hearted response – as usual. I mean, I can’t be the only person on the planet who noticed that Biden was fairly quick to shove a law down the throats of everyone in the US stating that people (ie: MEN) can marry whomever they want. He still hasn’t introduced anything with language about protecting women’s basic rights. Nope. He’s overseeing the most massive shut down of women’s reproductive rights ever and he’s saying nothing about it.

Oh. And here’s MY two cents. I think that males should be forced to get vasectomies as soon as their junk starts to produce sperm. IF they ever want to have children, they can have the vasectomy reversed. Now THAT is the equivalent of forcing women to bear children rather than having the right to terminate. I’m all for it. I think women in the US should start to push this idea. Push and push and push. Every time reproductive rights come up, this should be brought up.

I am sick to DEATH of men blaming women for everything.

I suppose a lot is coming up lately because T’s bought loads of old entertainment. We recently watched Raw from Eddie Murphy, who did an entire slew of jokes in his set about women and how they should be grateful for anything men give to them. Specifically, he went off on the no-fault divorce clause in a lot of states. While I wasn’t thrilled to sit thru that tirade – or maybe I should call it a tantrum – I recognised it as a symptom of the time more than a statement on Murphy’s real feelings. No one discussed how society was set up to keep women, particularly single women, in poverty. How we were paid so much less and how everything, from our personal hygiene items to our clothes, cost more than that of men. It’s a lot like how I remember my dad. Dad went off on his rants. Absolutely. And he said things that were just as bad as what I heard in Murphy’s stand-up. But I think both men were intelligent enough that had the facts been explained to them, they would have cut that shit out. Maybe I give them more credit than they deserve. But it’s how I see it. Or, more literally, it’s how I feel it. Just instinct. And hope.

Cause that’s all we got in the end, ladies, right? Hope. Hope that if we continue to point these differences based on sex out to our male counterparts, we’ll eventually teach them.

Goddess! Sometimes it feels like we’re trying to teach brick walls, right?

And Xmas just doesn’t help. Because Xmas means holiday films and specials. I’ve had a glut recently of older films. Right now I’ve got South Pacific playing. Yikes! One song was literally about paedophilia. The young lieutenant was singing to his island girlfriend. First he called her a ‘kid’ and then he sang a song with lyrics that stated she was ‘younger than springtime’, etc. etc. Yikes! We should all be glad that the times, they have a-changed. Seriously.

But I think it’s also important to remember where we came from. Just looked it up; the film South Pacific was done in 1958. And the setting of the story is obvious; the South Pacific during WWII. Less than 100 years ago, this was totally acceptable. In fact, it’s billed as a romance. So this child bride set-up? It was okay only 80 years ago.

…Ugh. We fight the good fight. Whether or not it’s in the news, whether or not we have basic human rights, we fight the good fight. Slowly. Child by child, we build.

My sleep hasn’t been good. Our noisy neighbours continue to be assholes. I lay in my bed at night, totally tensed up, waiting for the next loud scream or bang or shout. Last night was bad. I almost got up because I could hear it over my sound generator. Mostly I just lay there, trying to work out how to get my revenge without causing me any trouble. I’ve considered pelting their door with rotten eggs or dropping a bag of dog shit on their doorstep. Writing ‘assholes’ across their door with spray paint. Sending dog shit thru the post as a package. A lot of what I imagine includes dog shit, which is better than when I spent all my time imagining how I could set up the perfect spot to murder them all via a good rifle. Anyway, that’s what’s been the problem. I’m keeping my sound generator fully charged. And I really hope it backs off, because I don’t want to have to stay up waiting for the police. I just want to effing sleep.

Meanwhile: my hair is looking a bit straggly. I really need to spend the time in front of a mirror with my hair gel and try to get it looking neater. Doesn’t mean I don’t love it; I still do. And I found yet another reason to love it: it holds my hair so WELL! When I did some baking, all I had to do was pull all the braids back into a ponytail. Did I get any stray hairs falling out of my head? Nope. Did I worry one BIT about dropping one of my long hairs into the batter? Nope. Didn’t need to, ’cause it’s in box braids. A regular ponytail? Well, that can be problematic. My usual long, single braid? Also a problem that too easily allows loose hairs to fall from my head. Not my box braids! I have NO fear of my hair doing anything it shouldn’t. Man! I love this! Trying to keep it up until late January. Then I’ll take a few weeks to allow my hair to relax, ’cause my hair will be kinky for awhile. I’ll get M to cut the layers into my hair that we talked about. And then, before it gets too warm, I’ll get more braids put in for summer. It’ll be perfect. Gotta say, I am worried that I’ll encounter prejudice if I wear box braids to a job interview. I’ll try to work around that. Get a job with my hair down and then get the braids done later on. Or maybe I won’t. I shouldn’t HAVE to. But I’ve seen the older white Dutch: they don’t look at me, they look above me with this hair. I don’t know. I DO know there’s prejudice out there and I may shoot myself in the foot if I wear box braids and get dismissed out of hand due to it. But even the thought of it makes me angry. I should be able to go out and interview no matter what.

Truthfully, it’s the same argument as whether or not I wear make-up when I interview. And I’m just as wishy-washy in my feelings about it. I know it could happen. Sooner or later, it’s bound to happen. Then again, if a firm or employer feels that way, I don’t want to work for them anyway because there’d be other shit as well.

*sigh* I still don’t know how to approach any of this. Cave in to this social pressure? I’d maximise my chances. But I’d also let myself down. I’d feel like I caved. Or do I stand against it and go out there with box braids in my hair and no make-up? And if I want to be accepted as I am, don’t I have to have the courage to put myself out there ‘as I am’? The answer, of course, is YES.

Okay. So I’m scared shitless of doing just that. Heading out with no make-up and my hair the way I want it to be. I shouldn’t feel that way. I head outside every day looking like that, with no make-up and my hair proudly displayed. But that’s because I also know most people don’t spare me a glance because I’m older. It’s the idea of being under scrutiny, which one IS during a job interview, that makes me feel uneasy. Those half-hidden biases that everyone has comes into play in situations like that. Is the person across from you finding you attractive? Then you’ve got the job. I hate to say it that way, but that’s been my experience. Ugh. I suppose that actually says more about ME than anything else, right? It was my experience. I got jobs when the people interviewing me liked me. Simple as that. Or that’s the way I always felt…

Who knew growing old would take so much courage? No one tells you THAT! But it’s true. You gotta face your fears when your health goes to hell. Face your own mortality. And you gotta deal with a society that, by and large, doesn’t respect you.

And I know! I should be used to that, right? But I’m not. For as much as I always bitched about not feeling attractive, I knew I was. To a certain percentage of men, anyway. I suppose in truth, I can still say that. But that percentage continues to decrease. I can no longer walk into a crowded club and immediately get served. I can’t partake of all the little things that came my way because people found me attractive.

Whine, whine, whine. C’mon, Beeps! It isn’t like you ever felt okay or beautiful. Yes, you know a certain amount of men found you attractive. It was very useful when your car got a flat tyre. Never had to dirty your hands, did you? You knew a smile would get you a free pass to a lot of things and you enjoyed them. Get over it. If you can’t, write a damned book about it.

Oooooooo! Man! I can really slam myself, can’t I?

Just goes to prove that no matter how much things change, some things stay the same.

Don’t let me down

Set out yesterday with a plan. Head over for my blood tests, then stop at the bookstore to look for something new to read, swing by for some smoke, and head home. I’m here to say I got it all done. Even more: I walked up 6 flights of stairs due to broken escalators or full lifts. Everything hurt when I got home. But I got back with my blood drawn (and a growing bruise on my arm), three books bought at a good price, and smoke. Plus, I didn’t nap afterwards.

Gotta say this. We have Euronews on tv right now. There’s a presenter on that outlet that I can’t see on screen without screaming out ‘eat something!’. I thought Benedict Cumberbatch was a streak of thin man. Cumberbatch looks downright healthy and fat next to this dude. His chest is so sunken in that it seems like he’s always got rounded shoulders. But I don’t really think it’s his shoulders. It’s his sunken chest that’s pulling every bit of him in, like some black hole is hidden behind his solar plexus. Goddess!

Are fat people usually evil? That’s my question today. Watching Torchwood in the eves, on the last series. So Fat Man from Seinfeld and Jurassic Park is his usual Fat Man who’s evil and mean and terrible in every aspect of humanity you can think of. I’ve seen this a lot. Fat equals evil on screen. And I have a fat sister who is VERY evil. Evil incarnate, if you ask me. So are the two linked? Are those happy go lucky nice fat people you occasionally meet the aberration? All I know is that I have real thing about being ‘fat’, and it isn’t just looking a certain way or carrying around so much weight.

I blame the media. Why not? Everyone else uses them as a scapegoat. I don’t have to stand out from the crowd and NOT use that excuse. Media representations – from ads showing homes far too clean to women draped over cars – shape a lot of the world whether or not we’ll admit it. Fat people are evil in films. Sex is the be all and end all. Children are a blessing (still can’t swallow that one, but then, I was raised by C). America is the good guy on the world scene. Over and over, blatant and subtle, we’re hit by that shit non stop. And one more thing about the media. I now feel like my home is invaded by porn every time I see an ad for women’s lingerie. It’s pretty over the top, with women in only bras and panties giving the camera that ‘fuck me’ look while half bent over. But I feel it. My home is invaded by porn every damned time that ad comes on and I am totally, absolutely, disgusted by it. Changing the channel only brings up brightly coloured toys geared to this or that sex. Toys that use zero imagination when you play with them, so obviously they’re used a bit and then hit the garbage bin ’cause toys that use zero imagination aren’t very fun at all.

Oh. One last thing. Showing me the ‘historic footage’ of everyone signing a climate agreement 20 years ago, which NO ONE has adhered to since giving it lip service, does not help my mood.

News: I’ve been seeing snow in Canada and Spain. We were supposed to get colder, but even that has moved on without touching us. NL is in springtime: temps in the mid teens every day, sunshine, a bit of nightly rain, some wind but nothing too much. Warnings are out for allergy sufferers and the gov’t is watching for an overabundance of pests this summer. Sexual misconduct is big in our news. Four men from a tv show called The Voice are being prosecuted after years of misconduct. NL is pretty fucking light on sex crimes. They still have that ‘boys will be boys’ attitude which is so fucking toxic. Also in the news are temporary housing measures. NL needs more housing right now. Their fix is to put up ‘temporary housing’ in areas that aren’t listed as residential. But their temporary housing is gonna be up and active for 15 to 20 years. That’s a whole lifetime for someone. And hardly ‘temporary’. But municipalities are reluctant to implement the plan, so everyone is warned that if the locals can’t decide where to put this stuff the national government will make the choice and we’ll just have to live with it. And it isn’t like the locals want this shit near them. The gov’t isn’t saying exactly who will be housed there: refugees, people with mental challenges, recently divorced people, spouses from abusive relationships, or newbie married people who want to buy a place. That’s a big mix of people with a big mix of additional baggage attached to them, no matter what group you’re talking about. Other: still having problems with baggage handlers at Schipol. The strike is over for now, but we have daily warnings that they could walk out at any time if their demands aren’t met. It’s all about pay, as far as I can tell. Then it’s sports and international news that has nothing to do with NL.

Tomorrow is King’s Day. Fun. Will dig out something orange to wear. It’s the national colour and you can’t live here without getting at least ONE thing that’s orange for King’s Day. Everything goes orange tomorrow. Orange banners, orange wigs, orange food and drinks, orange. Been hearing T practice; he’s sounding good. I’ll probably sing along with him on several songs. Not on stage, just from the audience. He’s doing some songs I like. It’ll be fun to get out for it. Been several years. And I’ll meet his new student and see a bit of his band. Plus, it’s all close to home and I can be back in my chair within 10 minutes. A perfect day out for me.

Those big muscles on the outside of my thighs really hurt. And I’m gonna make them hurt again today when I go back out for more walking. Haven’t broken thru that barrier yet; still just tired after walking. But I am persistent. Keep telling myself it will come. I’ll get back that strength.

Heard from my friend S. Have been thinking of her recently and was pleased to see a short note to me in my inbox, asking how I was. I spent more time double thinking my answer than actually answering it. At first I was gonna go off, give her a long reply. But then I thought about it; she told me she’s prepping for the end of her studies right now and that just didn’t seem appropriate when she faced so much work. Plus, her message to me was short. Short and sweet, but short. So I kept my reply about the same length. Light, happy, and short. It would never do for my friend B; she and I go in-depth in our messages to each other. But with S, who’s at least 25 years younger than me, I felt it was a good idea. I’d like to remain in touch with her, but if she feels like she gets a huge dump on her every time she contacts me we won’t remain friends for long. Light and breezy. Leave the deeper talk for later, when we meet in person or when she brings it up or whatever.

Every day I can see the leaves on the trees a bit more. I’d guess within a week we’ll be at full leafiness. Full bloom? Is there a full bloom for leaves? Seems like there should be. Anyway, looks to me like they’ll all be out of their buds soon. We’re ‘open’ for now (with plenty of warnings about another wave hitting us by autumn). In fact, yesterday looked more like pre-pandemic than I’ve seen. Was in the downtown area and big shopping strips. Lots of people out and about, many with small packages from this or that place. But I still saw a LOT of empty shopfronts. And I saw some shops that, although open, remained totally empty of customers. I suppose much of what will come depends on how tourism goes this summer. Early reports are that we don’t have the bookings to shore up all our problems. It will be another bad year for many people. Even the Dutch don’t seem to want to holiday in NL.

Not gonna bother with much of any plan because things just go hay wire when I do that. I’ll settle for a generalised idea of what I’d like to try to accomplish today. Which, when I distil it down, comes to one word: walk. Still have to push my body. C’mon endorphins! Where the fuck are you? Feels like I should put an ad in the local paper: desperately seeking endorphins. Think it might work? Yeah, me neither.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep on keepin’ on. There’s gotta be an end to this, right? A time when I get stronger and feel stronger. A time when the fog in my brain is cleared up and I can think straight again without having to sit down and force it from me. A time when my ass and thighs and tummy are all smaller and less bother. I’m counting on it coming. Showing up. Being there for me.

Please, don’t let me down.

Light beyond the darkness

I now know I will never get over my extended family forgetting I am an individual, with a name and brain all my own. Never. Holy hell. Got an email from my uncle that was supposed to be a funny thing but, as usual with my extended family, it hit me all wrong. This time, because it came with a little note from my uncle saying: I hope you enjoy this. Um, okay. Always caution flags going up when my family hopes I ‘enjoy’ something. Opened it. It was a long poem waxing on about how great it was to grow up in the 50s when everything was so perfect. *sigh* I don’t know who my uncle currently thinks I am, but that’s before my time. I am not THAT old, for pete’s sake! I suppose I should be thankful he didn’t address me as my sister. I was almost always called by my sister’s name when everyone got together. I was never seen as an individual person, just an extension of her. Oh, and btw in case I never mentioned it, my DNA sister is 4 years older than me, and this shit used to happen even when our age difference made it painfully obvious we were NOT the same person. She at 16 and me at 12; huge difference in how far along our bodies had developed, but still, no one could remember my name.

Goddess! You have no idea how belittling it is for even your own family to not be able to remember your name! And if I showed my face to them for the first time in 20 years, they’d still do it. They’d still call me by her name even though my hair is darker and I’m three times thinner and my eyes are a different colour and I am obviously far more pretty than my sister who always wanted to be me. Aaaarrrrrgh!

So, there’s been that to deal with.

Have noticed all news stations I watch are now in distraction mode. Things must be pretty fucking bad. Lots of ‘look how bad it is over there’ stuff while totally remaining silent on the in house problems. I find myself particularly irked over the Afghanistan child bride who was rescued. Good for her and glad she got out, but what about the young girl in the southern US who’s been forced to give birth because her step father raped her and got her pregnant? Or any of the other dozens of similar stories in the US? No big outcry over that. Just a little weak shout and then a lot of forgetting. I cannot take seriously anyone or any group or nation that cries out about this or that while simultaneously suffering from the same issue. Nope. Take care of yourself first.

NL news: Like I said, a lot of distraction stories right now. Sports stories, for pete’s sake! From what I can glean, daily infections remain in the 20 thousands. Hospitalisations are up. Protests are still going on around the country. The police seem bent on catching rioters; they’re still going through CCTV footage and nabbing perpetrators from the Rotterdam riot. To make vaccinations mandatory or not is the question right now and it feels like we’re leaning into that G2 situation.

Xmas stuff is around, here and there. Nothing like hearing ‘It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year’ playing while facing everyone wearing masks and avoiding contact. Doesn’t feel like the most wonderful time of the year. Just another cold, wet, grey day.

And grey is what we’ve had. Days are only marked off by less darkness than at night. Not sure I’m getting enough daylight into my eyes lately. There just isn’t enough.

Do not know why, but pooping seems to be the activity of choice lately for toys. Pooping dolls, pooping board games, even a bird that comes with its own toilet (complete with a clear toilet bowl) so you can sit that bird down on its throne and watch the poop come out of its ass. I know when kids go through toilet training there’s a fascination that develops with poop. This just seems a bit much. And a bit overboard. One thing for poop fans, okay. But multiple stuff for poopers? Hm….

Pooping: the natural bodily function that fascinates you when young, embarrasses you when adult, and then when you’re older it comes back full circle to that daily obsession with pooping and how much you’ve pooped and what exactly the consistency of your poop was. What a fucking cosmic joke!

My poop is fine. Better. Normal.

Got my ass out of the house and bought shampoo. I was happy to see the shelf full, not just a few bottles on one shelf. It’s still segregated from the white shampoo, but there was more choice available. I guess my note to the parent company didn’t yield much. More than half expected the cashier to say something to me; here in NL, cashiers are trained to ask if you know how to properly use the over the counter meds you buy, even paracetamol. But she said nothing about my shampoo choice, even though the bottle is marked with ‘Afrikaans haar’ (black hair) very clearly. Looking forward to giving it a try. It’s supposed to add moisture and help relax some of those tight curls. Found that my choice with black hair shampoo came down to 2 extremes: straighten out those curls, or support them. I bought the one that’s supposed to help straighten them out. Wanted to see if it helps with all the snarls that build up in my hair. But I’ll probably go back and buy another shampoo that supports those curls. I figure I’ll probably flip between the two, if they’re any good. My hair is half and half; my treatment has to be half and half, too.

T was happy. His words? You don’t have white hair. And he’s right. My hair seems to be some sort of throw back to our very early roots. Unless my family has lied to me all this time and we actually DO have someone of African descent in our lineage. *sigh* Not like that kind of lying hasn’t happened before. I can barely credit it, with my oh-so pale skin and blue eyes, but IF it happened, I can absolutely 100% see the family denying it. Absolutely.

I’ll never really know, because I’ll never give up my DNA to one of those places. Nope. Madness to do that. Part of me would really like to do it, but I just don’t trust any corporation to that extent. They’re in the business of making money, so they’re making money off your DNA somehow. And that money isn’t from any paltry fee you might pay.

And now the news is back to the latest Michigan school shooting. No one ever talks to the kids. All you ever hear from is the adults, who keep saying ‘it’s such a great place to live!’ in that dazed tone. Please. You can’t ask the adults about how life is for the kids. The adults have no fucking idea. No fucking idea what their kids go through. Go talk to the kids. Go talk about the overriding malaise and distress of the younger generation. Go talk about bullying and peer pressure and violent representations that normalise that same violence. Go and talk about the shit every parent gives every kid. How that can wear you down, little by little, until all that’s left is a stone of anger and fear. The parents are always responsible. Yes, this is a particularly bad case. But how do you THINK racists do shit? Do you actually think that ANY kid who shoots up his or her school has supportive parents? Or that their parents aren’t racists? School shooters come from bad families, full stop. Parents should always be prosecuted in these cases. Always.

I am gonna sign off. Find some reason to smile today. That could be tricky. Not much bright or happy hitting me this morning.

But for once, the grey sky has parted and I can actually see some blue out my window. Maybe there’s hope. Maybe there’s a reason to keep going.

Maybe there really is light beyond the darkness.

Thank you, me

Rejection. Opened up my email yesterday and saw a message from the first job I applied for. It was from a manager, personally written to me, telling me thanks for applying but they’re looking for someone fluent in Dutch. Couldn’t help but be excited. First, this came more than a week before the deadline for applying, meaning someone looked at my CV as soon as it came in. Second, it was a manager, meaning my CV made its way up the ladder right to the top hiring person before it was disqualified. Third, the only reason I was rejected was concern over my level of Dutch. NOT my work experience. So I got rejected, but it was a good rejection, like receiving a note from an editor on why they’re not taking your story. I made it real far, and did real good. I feel encouraged.

T is talking about me either taking some tests to prove where my Dutch level is, or taking a course geared to business in Dutch. I’d like the class. I don’t even know what accounts payable is in Dutch!

Loving my hair. It’s still really long. I still sit on it when I lean back. It’s difficult to know how long it is, since I can’t actually see it hang down my back. But it was cut off at my lower middle back, straight across. T says it used to hang down to my butt or beyond. I believe it. It feels about half the weight it was. Right now, it’s silky and easy to manage. Getting used to wearing it down for a change. T says it spreads out like a cape behind me when I walk. I’m just liking it right now. A lot.

NL news: We’re topping infection rate records now. Every country around us is doing the same. Germany and Belgium are drowning in corona patients. Still, there are protests. The midlands are almost at a complete standstill with health care, and they continue to protest the measures. We’ve seen some record cocaine hauls from Rotterdam port but I notice the cocaine is still coming into the country (mostly because next week, they’ll catch another haul). A bit of good news about some climate change pledges, but no one is cheering too loudly.

Feeling a bit antsy. Difficult at times to get to sleep but I’m not sleeping in too late. Doing what I can to stay calm. There’s so much going on! Between T’s book and my job search, anxiety in the house is pretty high. Good thing is that we both recognise that. Doing what we can so we don’t set each other off.

Headaches: yes. Hate them. My sinuses have been acting up, so I’m guessing some of it is that. But many times I just close my eyes, giving my head a rest. It seems to help, so I’m still leaning to eye issues as the cause.

Thinking I’m gonna bite the bullet on my bday. I’ve talked about painting for a while, and why not? A basic acrylic set won’t cost much money and it will provide me with hours upon hours of fun. I also want some slippers. My old ones had to be tossed last year due to holes I wore in the soles, so I need new ones this winter. T’s encouraging me to find a book or something, too.

Hard for me to believe that a rejection would make me feel so good, yet here I sit. The fact I got so far on my first application is a huge boost to me. It helps me continue in my search. I’m not useless. I can find a good job. I know it.

Hope is such a strange concept! You can find it everywhere, even where you least expect it.

Thank you, Goddess. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, manager who sent me that rejection.

Thank you, me.

Whatever it takes

I once went to a male hair stylist who cut my hair super short. So short I was embarrassed by it. That didn’t happen yesterday.

The stylist I saw was so enamoured by my long locks she was totally reluctant to cut it. I did manage to convince her to take about 2 inches off the bottom and give me a few shorter layers around my face for softness. But she really didn’t want to touch it. I heard how beautiful my hair is. How strong and healthy it is. How she never saw anyone with hair like mine. I was asked if it was heavy because just picking it all up and washing it, she felt the weight. What did I do with it at night? How could I manage this? How long did it take to grow? She just couldn’t get over the length, the strength, of my hair. We had a good a laugh together; as she was cutting my locks, she pulled my hair away from my head. When she got to the top of my head, she pulled the hair straight up into the air. Problem was, she couldn’t really reach the ends. She was on tip-toe trying to pull my hair through her hands evenly. I asked if she needed a ladder. In the end, I came away with the minimum having been cut from my hair in order to make it manageable. I still need to braid it at night, but the braid is shorter and my hair is easier to handle.

Honestly, it was worth the money I paid to to be ooohed and aaahed over like that.

NL news: Infections are running between 10 and 11 thousand a day. Hospitals, particularly in the bible belt, are full up. Ambulances are having problems finding beds for covid patients, meaning they can’t get rid of their patients to deal with other emergencies. Warnings have been issued about not being able to help heart attack problems or cancer problems due to the coronavirus patients. Looked at the total list of new mask measures. Sex workers are excluded from the mask mandate, which seems strange to me, because there’s no closer contact work than sex work. But I guess if you’re one of those people paying prostitutes to get your rocks off, you don’t care much about covid.

Everything coming out of the US right now is such shit. White people thinking they can get away with murdering people of colour because the killers are white and the dead are black. Ditto with January 6 insurrection. They’ll say these things on record and the immediately follow up with ‘but I’m not racist’. No one calls them on it. I see CNN is doing yet another ‘special’ with Sesame Street characters, trying to explain to the idiots how important it is to get vaccinated. It says a LOT about a nation when that nation has to resort to children’s programming to try and explain something to the adult populace. Not too bright, are we?

Really liked Greta’s speech outside COP26. But I hear her getting tired. It sounds to me like she’s now realised nothing will change no matter how much school kids miss or how many protests go on. I’m sad to hear that kind of hope dying in young people. It’s inevitable, unless the youth actually round up all those old fuckers and shoot them dead. That’s the only real solution; you gotta kill off the people who are stopping it. Who are hoarding all the wealth. Who continue to use private jets when they go to their 2 week holiday where they’re supposed to talk about real change. The world needs a revolution, and revolutions always begin with killing. Get over it and just DO it.

Too many headaches. Almost every day now. Not horrible, but enough to reach for paracetamol. I think I gotta get checked for this. Won’t be surprised if the verdict comes back as ‘stress’. Every day, something sets me off. Every. damned. day. Can’t get away from your triggers when your triggers are literally the entire fucking world.

Gonna spend this weekend on me. Playing with my new hair to see what it will do. Taking care of my feet and nails. Just…give myself some comfort. Keep supporting my heart, my hope, in any way possible. Even if that means going down to the nitty gritty and just feeling pleased that my hair is so bloody brilliant that hair stylists don’t even want to cut it anymore.

Whatever it takes, right?

I have to

Second job applied for. Yep. Took some time to find it. Was disappointed they only wanted a CV and no cover letter, but I did as they asked. Not so sure I qualify for this position, but I noticed it on several job sites and it’s been listed for over 30 days with repeat postings, so… Maybe they’ll take a chance on me.

Five hours and counting. My braid lays thick and heavy over my shoulder. Bye-bye!

NL news: Well, we’re showing as red on the EU map. Infections topped 10,000 yesterday. Hospitals are closing emergency care and reports are that some ambulances drive around for hours looking for a hospital that has an empty bed. Our news is full of coronavirus warnings and repeats of our new measures. Still not seeing the needed enforcement, so in my opinion we’re not doing well.

Have found what I needed: heart. I’m re-reading The Help and it’s a soul soother. I know it was written by a white woman. I know it has inherent problems and biases in it (not the least of which is the author’s interpretation of ‘black speak’ in the south). But it gives me heart, and hope. It makes me feel like maybe there’s a way out. Maybe there’s a reason to care. Whether or not that hope is real or fictional, I needed it right now. I needed it so bad! It’s a bit of a revelation to me, and I’m wondering if I should write a few things with heart, as well. I’m into horror and that’s fine. But the world needs heart right now. The world needs hope. I need it. So putting it out there, whether or not anyone ever reads it, sounds like a good idea to me.

I have one story with heart. Needs re-writing, no doubt. It’s one of my favourite stories from my past: Valkyrie. Once, long ago, I stood up for a bullied kid. Chased off the bullies and called them on their shit. Let my childhood anger for my own bullies out and scared the fuck out of those boys. Oh, and the poor bullied kid! He sat by me all afternoon, talking, telling me about his life, his mom, his problems. He even invited me to dinner that night. Thinking about it still makes my heart squeeze in that funny way that’s sort of painful and sort of feels good. I never saw him again after that, but for one day, one time, I changed his life. I hope forever. It was the one time I acted like I wanted all adults to act when I was getting bullied. People saw it all the time, but no one stepped in. I stepped in. I did what I wanted all those adults to do for me. And it still feels good.

I’m gonna hold onto that for awhile. That good feeling.

Didn’t get to editing my own work yesterday, so it’s double time today. Keep looking for more positions and applying. Do all the things I want to do on a timely basis without overloading myself.

And I want to stay hopeful. To stay heart-full. Not many think of staying heart-full. Keeping yourself open, keeping yourself caring. It’s damned difficult these days. Too much rage all around. Which is why we need heart. I see that now.

I do NOT think I’m the person to bring heart back to humanity. I don’t often have it myself. And I can’t promise I’ll do any good with ‘trying’ because I really don’t think I will. But I find my feet moving in that direction, my mind already made up: I’ll give it a go. I’ll walk the path even if I lose hope.

I have to.

It’s coming

Confirmation: the world truly is in the shit.

Still a little shocked. This confirmation came from Dr T himself. Wonder if depression had the better of him yesterday. Dr T was truly angry at NL’s pandemic measures, which were shunted aside when the actual vaccination rate in the country was only at 40%. He mentioned it a couple of times with the ‘what did they expect?’ mute question thrown in for good measure. There was also NO climate change denial. At all. In fact, Dr T said climate change is THE thing the world has to work on right now.

I got no ‘it’s not really that bad’. None of the ‘there are plenty of places that aren’t that way’. Absolutely none of ‘not every person is as bad as you think’. Just nods of agreement from Dr T as I voiced my lack of belief in humanity’s ability to really change anything.

Told him about my long term idea for some sort of environmental rating or accounting system. He thought my axioms and ideas were quite good. His actual words: You need to talk to someone about this. I just don’t know who, and he didn’t give me any hints.

He’s pretty sure I can get a job whenever I want. According to Dr T, my Dutch issue really shouldn’t hold me back. He talked as if I’ll get snapped up by some company as soon as I put myself out there. It’s just a matter of me doing that. I’m really hoping I find something here in R’dam. I’m too old to be commuting for an hour or more each way every damned day, but one of my searches yesterday showed me that 99% of listed accounting positions are in Amsterdam. Few pickings in Rotterdam. I’m hoping that’s not really accurate, that what I’m seeing are the top of the line positions, not the mid level grunts. I mean… Everyone needs accountants. Sad to say, but true. It’s one of those data input jobs that aren’t very thrilling so not many go into it.

I’m encouraged by his positive mind set that I have valuable skills needed by industry. I’m also encouraged by his thoughtful and slightly awed ‘You have some great ideas’ statement. That wasn’t nothing. That was something from a learned colleague, someone who has a real idea of the industry we were discussing, someone with an IQ above 100. I just wish he was the total answer man and could have said ‘write this up and send it to so and so’.

If I knew how to grow this idea of a rating or accounting system, I would. I’d take it and make it a career.

NL news: Ugh. I have to take the lead from Dr T on this; news outlets are still publishing conflicting statistics. Seems infection rates have levelled off in the 3000-4000 per day range. Hospitalisations are increasing, though every article on that downplays what’s going on. Some articles claim NL is still dark red on the European infection map, others say we’re fine. On the street, masks are lacking. Walked to my appointment yesterday and I was the only person wearing a mask out there. That just seems insane with the high transmission rate of the Delta variant. Feels like NL is waiting, just as I am. Waiting to see how bad things get in September with kids returning to school and most people indoors.

While I feel vindicated in many of my views, I’m not very happy to suddenly have Dr T agree with everything I say rather than trying to point out the positive side of things. Didn’t think about how that might feel. I just didn’t want his wall of denial. Well, I got that. No denial at all. Should have spent some time contemplating the downside.

Pfft. As usual, it’s up to me to change things. Set an agenda with concrete steps and just do it. Did I mention how much I hate that? So, so much.

Okay. Ten days. I’ll give myself ten days to actually get my CV out online to some of these employment sites. Even just one; the point is to take that first step. Pull up the CV, check it twice, find the right site and upload it. I’ll worry about things like appropriate clothes for an interview later. Now is not the time to take that on. Let’s see if I get any nibbles first.

O-o-o-o-oh! I so don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

But I’m keeping my chin up. I’m holding onto hope, even though that seems futile. I’m telling myself I’ve got this. I’m reaching for what’s best in me when all I really want to do is grasp at every straw that floats by.

There are moments for me when everything stops. When, quite literally, the world stops turning. Raindrops are held suspended in the air, everything freezes for a moment. I think it’s a sort of hyper-awareness in me that just suddenly comes to the fore. Feels like I’m almost there. Some epiphany is right around the corner. Something that will change my life forever.

It’s coming.

Things are looking up

Ja, ja.

Decided on a brain dump yesterday. I was feeling extra anxious over the state of my CV, so I told myself to just go out to the file and let loose with everything I’ve thought about. Result: I’m over a page. 😀 BIG smiley face. Of course, I did what I knew I’d do, and just rewrote a few areas using ‘better language’. My first attempt read something like: Founder of charity, responsible for all founding papers. My new attempt: Founder of charity, including research and identification of similar area organisations, analysis and dissemination of research information into clearly legible responses supporting the need for such an organisation, etc. etc. Both are correct. One is written for a job stacking shelves, the other is written for an ‘upscale’ position. I also tinkered with my cover letter and made a mental note to do a bit of research on these international organisations with which I’d be working. Not done yet, but feeling better about all of it.

Also making a mental note to just spend some time immersing myself in Dutch. Usually I’ve got Dutch afternoon cartoons playing while I game or write just to have the language going in the background. But it’s a bit too easy for what I’m aiming, so I’m making a point of going to Dutch news programs once or twice a day to listen to ‘adult’ language. My analysis of this position tells me it’s going to be more important for me to read and understand the spoken language than actually speak or write it myself. The description is pretty clear that English is the most vital language. I’ve just got to make sure I can understand my Dutch colleagues.

Very disappointed at this point to still complain over my back pain. DAMN! Felt better when I first got up, but now that I’ve moved around a bit I’m more stiff than ever. I don’t get it. This is NOT how I usually fuck my back up. My therapist gave me very good exercises for that, and every time before this, I’ve been able to loosen it up on my own. Not this. I’m beginning to think my tailbone is out of position. That’s where the mass of stiffness and pain is centred. It’s been going on long enough I’m positive I’ll schedule a few more appointments after Monday to make sure all is good and nothing slips back into this crookedness.

T goes out almost every day to get cash or do some shopping. He’s reporting seeing more and more boarded up places in the area, including one of our favourite bakeries. No idea what’s going on; there are no signs or notices. It may be permanent; it may not. It can be damned depressing to go outside these days. This closed, that closed, boarded up and soaped windows, signs down. Too many ‘soon to be for hire’ signs. And I’m talking about big places going down. Large restaurants with seating for over 100. Hell! The Schouwberg Theatre, one of the largest theatres in Rotterdam, is totally boarded up. Not just closed, but boarded up. It’s not good.

Something totally new this week. We’ve got a fish stand outside the the building that comes on a regular basis and has some of the best fresh fish in NL. That’s normal. What’s new is that right beside it, an additional stand has popped up selling fresh strawberries. Two huge packs for 5 euro. They haven’t done that before. I’m guessing prior to this year they sold off their strawberries in bulk to a packager or whatever. Now, they’re peddling them in the parking lot. Good for us, but I don’t think it’s such a good sign for them. Wondering if it’s down to Brexit. NL loves strawberries. In fact, you could say the Dutch are in love with every seasonal fruit and veg (we actually have an asparagus and whitlof season among others). Supermarkets are stacked high and customers grab everything to enjoy fresh. So the Dutch are eating as usual. All I can think of is that it’s the exports that are lacking, leaving behind a glut. And that means Brexit. I’ve been watching that tit for tat. It’s not changing. I doubt a British/EU war is actually on the table, but if it DOES happen, it’ll all be because of fishing rights. All the rest of it: diplomatic treatment, strawberry glut, and fighting over electricity – that’s just due to everyone wanting to pick a fight because they’re all pissed off about the fishing territories. It’s an old wound they just want to keep picking at.

I feel similarly about current events in the middle east. Old wounds they just won’t stop picking at. And, may I say, I’m angry. It’s like watching a bunch of 17 year olds beat up a 12 year old. There is no comparison, and the level of violence released is not warranted. Now, I don’t follow all the back and forth in the middle east. I’m not quite sure I support Israel in any way. It’s a state created by force and I lay the blame on the US and the UK, the main driving forces post WWII. This is what I really truly don’t understand: As far as I know, post WWII the Jewish people wanted a safe place, their own state, where they could live as a people in peace. And as far as I know, that drive was led by Europeans. I also get that the Jewish people lay historical claim to certain areas. But… It kind of sounds to me like if I were to demand a home in Germany because my family originally came from there. That claim doesn’t give me the right to go and kick out someone living in a home in Germany and take it over. Yet that’s what I understand happened. They didn’t set up a Jewish state in Europe, they forced it down the throats of the people of the middle east. No wonder everyone is angry. It doesn’t seem fair or right to me. And I’m not saying the Jewish people don’t deserve a safe space. They do. I just think forcing this ‘compromise’ without really consulting the local peoples affected was a bad idea all around.

So much easier to turn on some horror films. Sharks, natural disasters, serial killers, AI: give me something to hate, something I can clearly hate because it’s clearly bad. All this grey stuff is killing me. I get there are times and occasions when and where there are no right answers. I understand both economically and emotionally how any shift from the status quo – any status quo – brings a corresponding decrease in wealth, access, or power to groups of people invested in the status quo, and this brings conflict. I’ve spent most of my life seeing too much of either side and understanding the arguments of both. And it does my head in.

WHOOHOO!!!!! T just came home and handed me an envelope inviting me to get a vaccine!!! I’m super jazzed now. Three pages in Dutch to read: info on side effects, an alert that they want to track my progress in case of problems and for statistical info, how to make an appointment and a full page questionnaire to hand in on the day. Took some time, but at least they’re thorough.

That means sometime soon I’ll be able to go outside without a mask. Yea! Talk about totally turning around a day!

Now all I gotta do is get my back straightened. Get the jab, get that job.

Things are looking up.

Let it be

AAAARRRRRGH!!!!!!

Just back from the dental surgeon for a check up. I was honest; something that’s rarely happened before. And, naturally, my honesty meant I’m in for more surgery. It LOOKS great. Had I kept my mouth shut I could have avoided another surgery. Instead, I was told I had two options. One, pull the damned thing and be done with it. Two, try another procedure. I think it says volumes about my trust of these doctors that I chose another surgery. I am scheduled in before the end of this month, meaning I’ll be spending Xmas eating soft foods. Guess it’s a good thing we’re not into traditional Xmas fare.

And, I’m on antibiotics for a week. Goddess, please let this work!

So, so, so. Did some searching online for a holiday cottage I could rent for my film posse. Whoa! I figured prices were down from coronavirus, but I didn’t figure on HOW low. Saw one place for 10 euro a night, serving 5 guests. 10 euro! That one is too small for us to use, but I did find an incredible cabin right on the edge of a wilderness preserve for around 80 a night that would work very well. Haven’t booked anything, of course. We need to see how the vaccines go first. But I hope before summer we’ll have a long weekend booked.

NL news: Infection numbers remain high, around 5000 a day. Worse still, the coronavirus team here in NL have been receiving threats online and in person. Been reading about the growing numbers in right wing groups both here and in Germany. Scary stuff with no end in sight. The catering industry is planning to reopen in January and damn the measures. Many restaurant owners are facing fines, as they’ve publicly declared they won’t continue to be shut down. I can understand; it costs money to join any delivery service. And once you hand the food off to the delivery service, if they take too long or don’t properly store the food at a good temp, your restaurant may get a bad review. That’s unfair on the restaurants. I try not to do that. Unsure why they don’t have a separate review for delivery. I have to add a tip in separately from paying for the food. It seems logical there should be a review just for delivery rather than bitching at the restaurant about something they don’t have control over.

Saw some of the Biden/Harris interview on CNN. Gotta agree with the news anchors; it was damned refreshing to not hear an incoherent rant filled with lies.

Can’t stop shaking my head over 45’s pre-emptive pardon pondering. Isn’t that the same as saying everyone is guilty before they’re found guilty in a court of law? It feels like it. And the money that asshole has raked in! Holy Hell! Millions going straight to his pocket.

All I can say is this: If you live in the US, start pushing for real laws to reign that behaviour in. No one is above the law. Get the damned laws on the books and then enforce them. Your problem right now is there’s never before been such a double dealing, under handed fuck as Trump. He’s raped the country. Totally. There should be a class action suit against him just for that.

At least it seems like New York isn’t gonna take the Trump family coming back home. I hope so, anyway.

Oh, I hope to see 45 dragged out in handcuffs, kicking and screaming. I really do.

Of course, I hope for a lot of things. Not all come to pass.

But hope is what I cling to. This next surgery will be successful. My film posse will be able to get together this summer. I won’t fall ill. I’ll get my teaching certificate and find a way to make money.

Please, please. Let it be.