Tomorrow it is

Went out and bought two knee supports. I haven’t had to wear them since I lived in Ireland, but now… *sigh* Let me try to put a positive spin on it. I’ve felt so good for so long that I forgot what wearing all those braces felt like. Happy I bought them. Had band last night and was fully wrapped up: both knees wrapped and both wrists supported as well. Took the wrist bands off to play, but I wore them on the metro. The knee supports kept me pretty steady. So steady, as a matter of fact, that I burst out laughing at myself because all I could do was this small little bop behind my keys. Took the time to take a couple of big stretches before I sat on the toilet and finally was able to stand up without grabbing onto the doorknob. All in all, a good night as far as my physical self went. My mental self was really bothered when the drummer cut me off mid-sentence, changed the topic entirely, and took over the conversation. I didn’t say anything, but it was blatant. To me, at least. This is not the first time I’ve felt dissed by him. Trying to not cause problems, but it’s wearing on me. And it ain’t like I’m a big talker at rehearsal. I’m not. Also, UGH! I enjoy what I can but we don’t play one song I have or want in my collection. Not a one. The songs I have suggested have been vetoed by our guitarist and I’m just tired of thinking, suggesting, and getting shot down so I’m not suggesting anything anymore. The stuff I like they could never play. So I don’t even ask. At this point, I’m just looking at it as an occasional night out singing and playing.

Oh. And they set a ‘gig’ date. For the end of June, for one hour, at our rehearsal space. Wow. I am so unimpressed. And I played in front of an Irish men’s room door.

Yeah. So the supermarket got back to me to tell me they didn’t hire me because of my answer in that blank spot. You know; the thing I was worried about. Yeesh. Been doing searches on the many supermarkets in our area. That’s easier than trying to find something in my area on a job site. I’ll find something in the neighbourhood first. Make my commute easy.

Still doing what I can to build up strength. Thought I was doing pretty well, but last night as I hauled my keyboard back to our rehearsal space I was breathless as all fuck. Again. Keep telling myself I’ll get there. But last night was discouraging. I feel so weak. Also, can I say the internet does its best to make me feel even worse? I was out on YouTube yesterday and a vid popped up on my screen as a possible watch. Topic? Why women can’t loose belly fat after menopause. Oh, fuck right off! Yes, we can. Maybe it’s tougher than when we were 20, but we CAN do it. Fuckers. I swear that one came up on my feed just to make me feel bad.

Took a very overdue shower. Man!! When my hair gets weighed down by water the ends are below my butt crack. Well below. Little wonder I’ve had to watch it more on the toilet. Coming pretty close to peeing on my own hair at times. It’s already a challenge when I have to bend over to clean the WC or deal with the garbage. Naturally, my hair falls right where I don’t want it to fall. In other words: into the toilet or down into the garbage bin. Gross.

Still have to take care of the hoover issue. I’ll try to get out tomorrow. Head downtown to look at the bigger stores.

Today I’m effing off. The weather isn’t great and I’m still tired from band. Tomorrow is supposed to be drier, brighter, warmer, and less windy.

So tomorrow it is.

Everything is relative

Well, no one is gonna lose me in a blizzard. Second day of shopping, this time downtown. The big stores. Found my sales racks in C&A. Went straight for the winter coats. I am now the proud (?) owner of an orange anorak. Including a fur lined hood. Stayed away from the mirrors and just looked for something good. This thing is all puffy and way too hot for me to wear unless it’s really cold. Got it at 50% off, so I only coughed up 40 euro for it. Also purchased a new winter sleep set (with long sleeves) and a really cheap embellished Tshirt. Happy with my purchases.

Oh. And T asked me to stop at a smoke shop and buy some Haze for myself. Yummy. I went with Amnesia, ’cause I wrote a song for it.

Got home and T was finishing up our German lentil soup for today. Oh, man! Way too long since we’ve had that! Served up hot with white wine vinegar and some fresh bread and I am in heaven. Total taste heaven.

Pain report. Well, I feel it. My pain is not as sharp or intense as it was. It’s a low, deep ache in those muscles. Liveable without drugs, especially since it’s getting treated. These days, I can move my head from one side to the other and not have pain. That’s a huge improvement. HUGE. I feel it most when I walk. I am so light and pain free as I walk. Didn’t realise how big a thing it was because I am a master at blocking it. But considering how bouncy I feel without pain, it was really hurting me.

Learned something. Ukrainian refugees get free housing and free health care AND they’re allowed to get jobs. Even Dutch nationals don’t get that sweet of a deal. The BBB wants to send Ukrainians back to Ukraine. I hate to say I agree with them, but when I see maps of Ukraine there seems to be an awful lot of area that isn’t the front line or part of the war. I’m not sure why they can’t go back to these seemingly safe areas, unless the entire reason they’re here is to dodge the draft – and we DO have a lot of draft dodgers. Our immigration services were already stretched to the limit, and now with Ukrainians in it, we are drowning. NL just doesn’t have the housing for everyone. The areas we do have are… well, they’re ghettos. For NL. I doubt an American would call them ghettos. I wouldn’t have. But I live here now and I know: they are the ghettos. Lots of rented housing with very few amenities. Lots of crime and confrontations.

It’s difficult to assimilate here. The language is tough. Even native Dutch have problems with grammar and spelling. It isn’t like the states, where you can ask someone you kind of know to just come over and hang out. No. Dutch people meet their friends out somewhere. Pubs, clubs, restaurants, but not your private home. I don’t even know if they’d understand if you asked them to hang. That’s all I would have had to say in the states: Wanna hang? Not here. Here it’s: Let’s meet for coffee or drinks or the night out. Money, money, money. I always prefer to hang in someone’s house. It’s quieter and you can really talk. You go out if you’re on the prowl. Wanting to people gawk and flirt and talk loud over everyone else. But you don’t go for a good conversation. Anyway, I find it difficult to get to know people. The last friend I tried to make…well…I think she was a lesbian and when I said I wasn’t into sex anymore she just never contacted me again. I sent a couple of SMS’s to her, but nothing. Honestly, I just don’t know what to do. I haven’t even found a group of people I want to hang with. You know: get involved in those over 50 clubs that meet every week for a walk or a film and coffee or something. That’s just as tough, because ‘over 50’ is me being kind. Most of the time it’s ‘over 70’. And then they want to talk about their grandkids, to which I have nothing to say. So…yeah. Tell me if you come across a group of 50-60 year old women who never had any kids or even got married. That group, I’d join.

Oh, man. Every time I think I’m all set to cut off my long hair, someone comes up with a reason not to. Now I keep hearing that not everyone’s hair can grow that long. It makes me feel like I gotta grow it long. It’s kind of like having a gift and not using it if I don’t. Honestly, I want to see how long it will go. It’s getting pretty long these days. I sit on it if I don’t have it up or pulled back or something. Gonna make T take a good couple of pix with my hair down. I’ll do my best to ignore my fatness and just get a handle on what I’ve been dealing with. We don’t have any mirrors long enough for me to actually stand there and just see it all. Then again, I could say the same thing about my fingernails. My fingernails can grow very long and be very strong. Just the other day I sliced open my own finger with one of my nails. But I don’t take that as a reason to super grow my fingernails. Just the opposite; it’s the reason why I have to stay on top of filing them down. Ugh. Here we go again. Will she or won’t she cut her hair? I’m not even gonna bother answering that. I’m just gonna move on.

Will try to hit it hard this weekend. Get up, get cleaning. Get moving, too. I’m allowing myself to continue getting up earlier than usual (yeah: allowing myself; that’s what my alarm going off is doing). Truly amazing how much I can get done before noon. I’m feeling more and more like I want to get back to the gym for some regular exercise. High time, too. I definitely feel that way. And you know what? I’m no fatter than I was back in the 90s when we holidayed here. Same size, actually. But I’ve been so much smaller for so longer that NOW it’s really fat for me.

Everything is relative. Even how fat you are.

ALL the difference

Have you ever noticed how a good majority of people have mouths that turn down in a relaxed state? They look like miserable fucks. And they usually are; the mouth betrays you. I have lines on my face, but it’s all from smiles. Crinkles around my eyes when I laugh. Laugh lines around my mouth. My mouth sits with a very, very slight upturn (if anything) in a relaxed state. But I am not a miserable fuck. Even with all I’ve been though with my RA. Even with the history of neglect and abuse. Even with my bellyaching, I am not a miserable fuck. And I very, very happy about that. But watch out for people with downturned mouths. They tend to be…well, miserable fucks that like to spread their misery around.

T picked up fresh fruit to have with my bday tiramisu. WOW! Not only was it absolutely FABULOUS, it was also officially my cheapest bday cake to date. I’ve had special slices purchased at upscale bakeries. I’ve made specialty cakes myself. This was an Italian thing that T bought for less than 2 euro. Yeah. The fruit was more expensive than my cake. But MAN! So worth it. I have my last slice and fresh fruit for today. Gonna try to hold off until this evening, when Doctor Who is on tv.

Holding onto this good feeling. I was very pleased with my bday. Yeah, we didn’t have some big meal. Just fresh fish, which is really good here. In fact, I can honestly say I wasn’t a big fish fan before coming to NL. Now I am. So it was really good even though it wasn’t fancy or expensive. Once upon a time that would have bugged me. I just enjoyed staying warm and cozy while it sounded awful outside (and was awful). I was happy with my meal, with my entertainment, with everything. Thanked T for a great bday. He honestly didn’t do too much, just made sure I didn’t have to go out when the weather was crap. But he deserved a thank you. It takes two to have a great birthday.

I hear the sleet again at the window. Not much. It just sometimes sounds like a couple of small pebbles are thrown at the windows. But I had a feeling that this winter might be harder and colder than we’ve been used to. Already our wind chill factor is below freezing. I have a feeling we may get a white Xmas. From old pictures in museums, NL used to freeze a lot. Frozen over canals they can skate on. Since we’ve been here it’s been fairly warm. Had one good snow that lasted more than 24 hours. Other than that, we’ve only had to duck the rain. Well, I’ve got boots. May need to buy a new jacket, but it’s getting time for me to do that anyway. I know how to do snow, even if it’s been years since I’ve had to.

Time to do my nails again. I can tell T’s been feeding me loads of bullion. My nails pop out pretty damned quick. My hair is growing, too. I’m actually getting used to the length and taking care of it. I’d like to get it down below my butt. That would be very cool. I know it can do the length. I just have to be able to brush it and braid it. And I just learned to handle where it’s at now, so… I have some more patience to learn. That’s what my hair is for. Oh, there have been loads and loads of opportunities for me to learn patience but I never really felt that lesson got fully into me, you know? Now with really enjoying my long hair and wanting it even longer, I feel I have a good reason to be patient. A real investment in learning to slow down: my hair. I’m not sure if I should be pleased or not. I’m happy enough to be here, but I’m not sure how shallow this makes me. What, I didn’t have a good reason in the last 58 years of my life to slow down? Of course I did. But now that it’s about my hair, it’s different.

*sigh* Self discovery is not always a pleasant process.

Still. I’m not a psychopath. In fact, Dr T said I have a very high level of empathy. That’s apparently what makes me crazy when I see someone else get hurt; I’d rather take the hits than see someone get hit. Any day of the week. But I don’t feel empathetic. Or not especially empathetic. In fact, there are plenty of times when I find my reaction to other people down right cold. I mean…I can hardly be called a people person. I don’t like most humans. At all. I’d rather avoid contact with them entirely. Maybe it’s got to do with my bipolar. More empathetic when I’m down than up. I can imagine that happening. But no matter what my mood, I’d still rather be beaten up than have to witness anyone else getting beat up. It’s not that I enjoy it, either. But I’ve been beaten up. Taken punches. I feel like I can take it, you know?

And really, isn’t it easier to be the victim than seeing someone else victimized? That’s what horror films are all about, after all. Having the horror of watching other people die. Once you’re dead, you’re dead. No more physical pain. No more of this life. But if you have to watch it happen, it stays with you forever. Haunts your dreams and waking life. Seeing it causes more fear than having it happen. At least, that’s the way it is for me. I think. I haven’t tested it well. I just know if I see someone being physically abused, I have to step in. Every. damned. time.

So you can imagine how upset hearing the downstairs neighbours argue and possibly be violent makes me. I turn up the volume on the tv or, if I’m in my room, the sound generator. Still. Last night I heard it: arguing and then a sharp, loud slam. Either he threw her against the wall, or he slammed his fist down on the table. It stopped not long after that. I’m always on edge when I hear that shit begin. But I sent the police down there a LOT and other than him being an asshole, they didn’t have to interfere. Or so they say to me. The family are from the middle east, so she may just put up with it. I feel bad for their kids. And for her, even though she’s an idiot for not taking the opportunity to get free of that situation. After all: I stood in her shoes. Not with the many children! No. But being abused by a partner? Oh yeah. Not that anyone ever sent the police to help me. Nope.

I won’t dwell on that. T came back home and helped me. Got me out of there, talked me down after nightmares. Kept working with me. Never gave up.

Yeah. That’s what’s important. I have someone in my life who cares. Maybe it’s just one person, but that makes all the difference. ALL the difference.

A good sign

My throat was scratchy last night. Today my sinuses are bad. Feels like I’m on the edge of something. Maybe it’s a reaction to my annual flu shot. I can experience that. Maybe it’s something else. Don’t know yet. Hoping it won’t just linger on until my bday and then really hit me. Ugh.

My joints have felt like they’re on fire. Taking quite a bit of paracetamol. My psoriasis is healing. Slowly. My feet have pulled back but my hands still have outbreaks. Another ugh.

Mentioned to T that the new Hunger Games film, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, is playing at the cinema. I’d love to see it for my bday. T wasn’t very enthused. There was that heartbeat of stillness and he just moved on. Didn’t say anything. Ugh. I’ll bet if I’d picked the new Saw film he would have said yeah, let’s go. And I could compromise on this. I’m interested in the new Saw film, particularly since we have all the others. But my first choice is still the Hunger Games prequel. Don’t know why I should have to compromise on my bday. I compromise a lot with T. That’s just living together. Anyway. Don’t know if I’ll get to see it at the cinema since I was met with such stony silence. Maybe I’ll go see it by myself.

I know I’ve already bowed out of the next band rehearsal because it’s my bday week and I have my rheumatologist appointment the morning after. But I won’t be able to sleep until I know T is back safe. Not after last time. I dread waking up one morning and finding out he never came home. I could keep my phone in my room, but honestly I can hear the buzz of it and it bugs me.

Took down my hair the other day and showered. Whoa! The back braids were only in my hair for about 2 weeks and it took more than half an hour to get my hair untangled and ready to hit the shower. Now I’ve got everything in one long braid again. It feels a lot thicker. Amazing how much hair I have. And now I’ve got all sorts of hair growing back in. So in addition to my long locks, I have loads of shorter fly-aways. *sigh* I need to brush it out and treat it with oil. Again. Using a rosemary/mint concoction. My hair just sucks it in. I put the oil in and the first day my hair looks greasy. The second day it still seems a bit oily. But by the third day it’s totally soaked in and needing another application.

NL stuff: The weather is lousy. Look ahead and it’s all rain, rain, rain. High winds expected today. And DAMN! It’s getting cold. We have a severe housing crisis going on with no solid solutions. Every political party has their own ideas about how to solve said crisis and no one can get a majority to get anything done. We had our largest climate march in history over the weekend. Great Thunberg came. I missed it. In the long run, I’m sure that was for the best. I mean, I opened up with me not feeling up to par. I would have loved to go and be a part of it. But neither T nor I want issues. We don’t want to be marked as trouble makers or problems of any kind. So we don’t go. Our hearts are there, tho.

This week I get my back cracked and I see my shrink. Looking forward to both appointments. I need the help. Hoping I’ll feel better by the end of the week. My back will be straightened out and I won’t be having headaches. My shrink, I hope, will give me some concrete advice on handling my new metro fears.

Today, I cleaned up ’cause T’s student is coming by for a lesson. So I’m very ready to kick back in my room, under the duvet, and watch YouTube vids. But, you know…I got the house clean.

Doing my best to not kick myself for not doing more. I have so much more to get to. Phone calls, the gym, the gym, the gym, and a job. Yep. I gotta get to those things. I keep hoping I’ll feel better. Get some more oomph in me. Find the pep to go. Then I get up and my hands hurt, or my feet hurt, or I just ache in my hips or back. It sucks.

Well, at least my jeans weren’t as tight last time I wore them.

That’s gotta be a good sign, right?

Is it blowing!

Yesterday I managed to get out of the house and back to the gym. I was really, truly ready to start hitting the gym each and every day to walk.

Today all of NL is hunkered down as storm Cieran hits. Yeah, I can’t spell that correctly. But it’s here. The trees are wild outside, almost bending in half at times. We’ve been told to stay at home if at all possible. Watch out for falling trees and debris in the flying winds.

Shoulda checked the weather forecast before I made all those plans to push myself. *sigh*

My feet are so dry they’re in danger of just breaking apart into flakes. Yuck. The psoriasis actually hurts. Taking it easy ’cause it really does feel like they’re bleeding in a couple of places. Back to using the ointment given to me twice a day for now. Ow.

Been watching the weather for days now. T and I have seen lightning every evening as we watch tv. And it’s been wet. Seeing ‘downpours’ forecast more and more. So far I’ve managed to stay out of the worst of it. But I think NL’s sweet little weather bubble is over. We’ll see how this storm season hits us.

Less headaches, which is GREAT and all thanks to my fysiotherapist. He really knows my back. I had to bring up and volunteer to see one of his associates, since last time I saw him he griped a bit about not having enough time to see all his patients. He bought the business a year or so ago and has been juggling his boss duties with his therapist duties. I told him if he’s really busy to pass me off to someone else, but someone that’s tough enough to really hurt me as they work. He laughed and said he wasn’t going to do that. I guess I’m one of the patients he wants to hold onto if possible. And that’s great with me, ’cause he SO knows my back! Bing, bang, tell him where it hurts and he puts his finger on it immediately.

Hair: OMG. Still wearing my twin back braids. I really like them in, tho it makes it difficult for me to fully brush through the rest of my hair. But I work on that part. Braiding it or tying it off or letting it hang in a curtain. Really, REALLY happy to say that the hair oil I purchased seems to be doing the trick. Either that, or it’s my natural hair and all the bullion T’s been feeding me. Whichever. The very front portion of my scalp looked a bit…bald? I mean, not really. I still had hair growing in the area. But I could see the individual hairs growing, meaning there was a lot less of it than I’m used to seeing. Noticed that my hair has grown back in that area. Oh, I’ve TONS of fly-aways. Those tiny hairs as they grow back in. Two inch things that nothing will plaster down to my head. So I’m finally able to say: yes, it seemed that all the combing done once they took my braids out made my hair thinner. But I can’t honestly say if it was due to the combing or if it was just the fact that I hadn’t lost any hair for three months and it all came out at once. I’ll say this much: it’s easier for me to handle my hair right now. It grew a couple of inches while in the braids, and it’s really long right. If I had ALL my hair, I couldn’t do anything with it. It would be too much. But with my hair thinner overall, I can manage it at this length. Which is cool, ’cause it draws a LOT of attention when people see it.

Took care of my nails. Yikes! Had to do the whole feet thing: soak, clean up the cuticles and under the nails and all those pesky spots that make my feet hurt, cut the long nails back, do the ointment, la-dee-dah. While it takes time and effort, it’s truly the best way for me to do all this. Took my fingernails down so I can type again. But I forgot the cuticles on my fingernails. Ugh. My most hated thing to do. And I know! I know! I’ve been watching nail art videos online. WOW! The designs are really cool. But I can’t sit still for a simple colour to dry on my nails. I sure as hell don’t want to waste all the time it would take to do something fancy. Especially ’cause I will NOT use the new gel colours. Nope. I saw the nail beds of the women who do that. They did NOT look healthy in any respect.

Well, my bday is quickly approaching. As is my next appointment with my rheumatologist. I checked on that yesterday. Ugh. I’m supposed to be there by 10:45, which means leaving here an hour earlier due to public transport times, which means getting up by alarm because I’ve got band rehearsal the night before and I’ll be short on sleep. Fun, eh? Maybe I won’t go that Wednesday. T can go. The guys can rehearse. I’ll just get to sleep at a decent hour, rather than get wound up so I stay awake until 1 or 2 a.m. And I’ll need to make an appointment to get my blood drawn before I see my doc. Ugh. Wish we could break out of this appointment every year near or on my bday. I don’t like it. Still don’t know what we’ll end up doing. Seems to me that we’ll be headed up to Amsterdam sometime after my actual bday. That feels best. The city will already have put up Xmas decorations, so it’ll look cool. And while others may feel the stress of Xmas, we don’t because we don’t participate. But we’ll take advantage of the seasonal sales.

It sounds pretty bad outside. Just checked. Our winds clock in at 48kph with gusts up to 71kph. And this isn’t the worst of it yet. That’s expected right around rush hour tonight, so another 3 or so hours. I hope our windows hold. That’s my big fear: that we’ll lose a window due to flying debris. Any window lost in this flat would make the entire place pretty unliveable, at least until the storm has passed. Other than that, and my concern over the fact that these storms are getting more frequent and worse due to climate change, I enjoy a good storm. Always have. And today, that’s good. ‘Cause MAN! Is it blowing!

It feels good

Finally. Took my first full shower today and scrubbed my hair and scalp. My head feels nice and clean. But my hair! It’s still feeling the effects of my box braids. More tangles and snarls than usual, even using some oil spritz to make it easier to brush through. I have a super conditioner of coconut and shea butter. Used two entire handfuls. Not little bits, but entire handfuls. And nothing washed out other than a thin and tiny stream of suds. Now I’m allowing it to dry by air. My hair is springing up again. I can’t get a real flat or straight feel to my hair unless I use something to get that way. At the salon, they had a comb attached to the hair dryer and for the first time in a very long time, I saw exactly how long my hair was. Answer? Really, really long. I think straightening out my locks gives me an additional 2 or 3 inches. At least. Allowing my hair to dry by air gives all my hair a chance to bounce up and curl naturally. And I do have a nice curl. I just also have really, really long hair that straightens it out a lot. Still can’t figure out if the box braids made my hair thinner or not. I’m used to handling it with the extensions in, so everything seems thinner now. I know when M combed out my hair, all three months of hair loss came out in one go. So of course it’ll feel a bit thinner. But did it damage my hair? I don’t think so. I think my scalp is just not used to such handling. I baby my hair.

Anyway. I don’t have any bald spots, so I’m okay for now.

T found a bunch of fresh and fabulous jalapenos, so he made a HUGE batch of chilli verde yesterday. OMG. I had to taste test, of course, for salt and sugar. It was difficult to not eat a whole bunch last night. But today we’ll have a great Greek yogurt to cut the heat, fresh coriander to use, and T’s incredible Mexican rice to go with it. I can’t wait. The jalapenos are perfect right now. Absolutely perfect.

Having quite a bit of great produce. Again. The Netherlands always had good food in my opinion. But this year it’s in overdrive. The best tasting everything. The tomatoes tasted like they were all pumped up with tomato concentrate. The grapes were sweeter than sweet and so juicy! T’s still buying our veg from the discount areas because there is SO MUCH. And the lemons and limes! Oh my Goddess! I’ve never felt so rich, so utterly wealthy, than having us buy packs of lemons and limes. Half a dozen in a pack. Super wonderful, super juicy, and so SO wonderful with everything! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: living in one of the world’s largest ports has definite advantages, and great food is one of them. Taking advantage of what we have while we have it.

Finally our weather is cooler. We broke a couple of heat records last week. Our rainfall remains good. In fact, it’s a bit too humid for me. Still. I find myself sleeping for 10-12 hours a night. That’s my RA. I’m just tired. Tired, tired, tired. T’s feeling is that if I can sleep, I should. That I need it. So he never disturbs me. But he’s been monitoring my sleep as much as I. He’s noticed it.

Oh, and today I can take down my fingernails! I let them grow for show and because I really wanted to scratch my scalp in the shower. All that’s done now and I can take them down. They’re quite long again. Making lots of typing mistakes. *sigh* If only I could live as easily with nails and I do without. I like the look of them. I just can’t put up with all the rest. And it isn’t like I do my nails. I don’t. Again, I like the look of done nails. I just can’t live with them.

So. The mess of the US. T laughs during all the newscasts now. I’m not so fast to make fun of the situation. Oh, I think it’s funny enough! I’m just also concerned about the fall out. The long term effects of all this. T always was faster to promote utter chaos and a total turn around. I’ve always been a bit more reluctant to root for that. I can’t help but think of all the people who will be hurt by it. It’s always the lowest on the totem pole. The ones who don’t deserve it. Let’s face it: if hardships hit all the multi million and billionaires in the US, no problem. Let them devour themselves. But that isn’t who will pay. It’s gonna be the people on the edge. The marginal ones that lose the extra help because the fat cats who are paid huge salaries to work a fraction of the time average people do just want a bit of chaos and upset. No. I can’t be happy about it on any level because I know that’s precisely what will happen.

Ah, T is back home. Time to tidy up, make some rice and enjoy one of the best meals on this planet. I love my in-house chef. He’s the absolute best.

Sense my mood picking up. Finally. I’m just not so down about everything even though the main stuff hasn’t changed. The world is still falling apart and we’re all doomed to die. But today I don’t feel like I have to think about it non-stop. I’ve a little break to enjoy myself a little bit. A tiny bit of relief. A smile that occurs on my face without me thinking about it.

It feels good.

I can’t take any more

Ow. My scalp is still tender. Had to take the braid out yesterday and gently brush it. Ow. I really have to take a year off from box braids. It isn’t the braids, but the comb through that kills me. Ow. I guess that’s what happens when your hair ends up bending the metal comb, which is what my hair did.

I am also still beat. Really beat. Not getting out of my pjs again beat. T was not surprised, but I am. I rested well yesterday and even took a sleeping pill to stay down in deep REM. And I slept in and I am STILL effing tired. But, you know, everything hurt last night. My feet ached. My hands ached. And everything still aches. I am just caught in the throes of rheumatoid arthritis agony. Again.

Geez. Exceptional rain in New York and Greece. Both are under water today. Here in Rotterdam many are mourning after the shootings. That’s the most shootings in one 24 hour period we’ve ever seen. And yeah, I’m fully aware that a place like NY would have many more shootings every single day, but this is Rotterdam! We’re civilized here, right? But more and more violence is occurring. And now I saw an article on bed bug problems in Paris. Bed bugs? Good Goddess! One more reason T and I aren’t hip on travelling these days. If it isn’t climate change, it’s transport problems. If it isn’t transport problems, it’s violence or effing bed bugs or some other outbreak. I’ll just happily stay here in my corner of Rotterdam, smoking my weed and using my nice public transport to get to the few places I go. I like the museums, the shopping, the food, the theatres, everything. There’s really very little reason to go anywhere else.

T is downtown trying to buy tickets to see Bill Bailey. He doesn’t want to go through Ticket Master and the online info said he can buy them straight from the theatre as of this morning, so that’s what he’s doing. Apparently, there’s no pre-seating arrangement. At least, that’s what he found online. I told him to say he’s coming with someone with limited mobility. Maybe that will make a difference. I hope so. I’m not good on loads of stairs. And I don’t want to end up in the lobby being pushed around by a mob of people trying to get close to the stage. T said if it seems too wonky he won’t buy tickets. He agrees with me and won’t put me in a position like that.

Man! Cannot say how much I appreciate that. He also admitted to worrying about me on the metro the other night when we came home from band. There’s a lot of social cues T doesn’t pick up on, but if he feels threatened at all he’s always looking out for me first. Always. …I’m continuing to watch disaster films today. And every single disaster I watch, all I can think of is how T would help me no matter what if we faced anything like that. Oh, he can irritate me at times. I’m sure he’s irritated with me at times, so we’re probably even on that. But this is why I’ve been with him and stayed with him for so long. He shows me every single day in one way or another how much he appreciates me. Good food, taking the stress off me, reminding me to take it easy, helping me however he can, picking up entertainment he thinks I’ll enjoy… The list goes on and on. He makes it easy to forgive him his other foibles. He really does.

I know I’m lucky. Sometimes I bemoan the fact that I have very few people in my life, and that’s true. I’m not much of social animal. But the people I DO have are so very important to me. And so very kind and thoughtful. I couldn’t go on without T. I just don’t think I could.

Oh, I’m feeling sentimental, aren’t I? I guess the exhaustion and pain have just put me in that space.

After all, there’s only so much I can take. And then I can’t take any more. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Even spiritual pain.

I can’t take any more.

Not to sleep

Yikes!

M was running late yesterday, so my braids weren’t entirely loose by the time I left. She asked me to come back early today and she could finish up. My hair was one big snarl that really took a long time to pull through. My scalp still hurts, and I’ve been back for almost 2 hours now. She thought it was from the extensions, that they made my hair all the worse. The good news is that she absolutely couldn’t find any bald or balding spots and no one in the entire salon could find where my lost braid came from. Which is really weird, but okay. I was happy enough to hear I didn’t have a bad place or that I didn’t have to cut my hair.

But all of that meant I had to get back from band last night and basically go to sleep as fast as possible, because I had another alarm clock morning. Really don’t like alarm clock mornings. And I didn’t even get a full 8 hours, so I feel like I’m dragging my feet.

Speaking of feet, mine hurt so much. DAMN! My joints have that on fire feeling when I step down. Which is awful, because everything I have to do today I have to walk to. Yep. I still got my shrink appointment at 4. And my shrink is at one of those metro stops where I’ll have to walk quite a bit to get to his office.

Wishing I could take more paracetamol. But I just took some when I got home around noon, so it’s way too early to start popping more pills.

T was great yesterday, btw. I got home late, ’cause my hair was just such a mess. T had a warmed sandwich made for me, all ready. All I had to do was pee, wash my hands, and eat. He’d even packed up my keyboard for me. Which was great. I sucked down a couple of hits before we headed out.

And now I’ve nothing on after my shrink appointment. I can sleep in and wallow in my own pain. Which I may do. Between my scalp, my feet, and my hands, I’m not all that excited about doing anything.

But now I have to get up. T left the house on his own errands and I’m so tired that if I don’t get up out of my recliner I’m gonna fall asleep and miss my appointment. *sigh*

On to the other computer. To play, amuse, and keep myself bloody well awake.

Not to sleep.

A real mess

Got out yesterday for a walk. It was a perfect day: sunny, deep blue skies, warm but not too warm, a little breeze to move your hair. The more I walked, the sadder I became. Just kept thinking about Sable, my last cat. My whole body ached with missing him. So I did what I always do when that occurs: I began talking out loud to him, telling him again how there was no other choice, how he couldn’t have survived the move or if he did, he would have been absolutely despondent here. But he was my baby, my boo. We snuggled and loved each other for years. We even had our arguments. I held him as he died. …Goddess, that pain feels as fresh as it was when it happened. Better to not dwell too much on it. Needless to say, I was feeling close to tears yesterday while out on my walk. And then, it happened. A black lab came up to me for some attention while out on a walk with his person. I turned the corner, feeling a bit better, and met a new cat. Beautiful markings. Very friendly. So I received both dog and cat love yesterday, which bucked me up a lot.

Man, I really need an animal friend in my life. Full time. My emotions would be better, I think. My depression would be less. But this is a really small space. A really small space. I don’t think it’s possible.

You have no idea how much that hurts. The knowledge that, as long as we live in this flat, I can’t have an animal friend live with me. We had a whole house in Ireland, so Sable had loads of room and had no problem respecting T’s room boundary. In fact, it became a bit of a joke in the house. My cat hated it when we rehearsed or recorded music. So he’d come up to the studio room and stand outside. The studio was next to T’s bedroom. The cat would wait until either of us looked at him, then he’d raise one of his paws like he was about to put it down in T’s room, which he wasn’t allowed in. He’d actually do that. Smart cat. Anyway… I can’t do it here. Not now. If it was just me in the place, I could. But with T and his allergies, he’d have no chance of getting away from the dander.

I feel distinctly lonely today.

Here I am, waiting for the repair guy to show up. He’s due in an hour and a half. Then T comes back and has his guitar lesson at 3 or 3:30. Hopefully the repair dude will be on time and out of here by then.

Wednesday will be another thing altogether. Getting my braids out beginning at 1 pm. I’ve got two hours scheduled in for that. Really getting worried about my hair at this point. Trying to be gentle with it. Not that I’m really rough with my hair to begin with! But I’m worried that as the braids come out and they start their comb through, a lot more hair will break off. Really short, too. Oh, man. Even imagining my hair that short after this length makes me feel awful. Just a real drop in my stomach. Cutting it off to my shoulders, okay. But cutting it within an inch of my skull is really short, and that’s where the braid that broke. I’m worried that they’ll see it and say: there’s nothing to cut. What if that happens all over my head?

Fu-u-u-uck. Stop right there. You don’t need to borrow trouble. What happens on Wednesday happens. It’s not like you pulled that braid out on purpose, or twirled it until the hair broke. It just gave out. And if that’s what’s happened to your hair, then it’s better to cut it all off and regrow it and you know that. So stop worrying.

Yeah. If you’re gonna worry, worry about something real. Like the fact that you put on one of your older, treasured T shirts that used to be roomy on you and now it’s tight because you’re fat, fat, FAT!

That’s absolutely true. It ain’t helpin’, though. Not much can help me right now. Getting out for another walk would be great, but I don’t want to chance that the repair guy will be early.

Seeing Dr T on Thursday. Super-duper. What up? Depression. Anything new? No, because I’m depressed. And then it will be a discussion about my medication levels. I don’t want to keep taking more and more pills. And I DO think if I could get back onto a regular gym rotation I’d feel better overall. I’ve just had strategically placed appointments all over my life that keep preventing me for one reason or another. Like today: I’m waiting in case this guy is early. And I don’t know how long he’ll take so I can’t exactly plan anything. This stuff keeps coming up. And if it isn’t the appointments, it’s my RA or the rain or me just feeling like I can’t.

Telling myself to hang in there. Keep trying, even if that means I only think about exercise rather than doing it. Just continue to bring it to mind. Eventually I’ll bug myself enough I’ll go. And let go of the hair thing. Let go of all of that. It’s not helping me at all.

Nor is T’s ignoring my preferences. He found and bought a copy of The Mothman Prophecies and it’s a film I really want to see again. Two nights in a row he’s asked me what I want to watch. Both nights I’ve said The Mothman Prophecies. Both nights we have NOT watched The Mothman Prophecies, but his choices. And his latest choice is a mini-series that was cut into a film. We got through 3 hours last night and we’ll have to watch the other half now before we move onto anything else. T apologised last night when he realised he’d really put MY preferences off. I mean, why the fuck ask me if you just go and ignore what I fucking want? Really fucking pissing me off with that shit. And of course we’ll also miss Wednesday because of band rehearsal. I made him absolutely promise me that on Thursday evening, we’ll watch The Mothman Prophecies. Fucking finally.

And I swear, if he talks through it there might be another murder in NL…

I’m not good. Angry and depressed and totally fucking out of sorts. I hate this.

I’ve also had it with T telling me I just watched the one film he’d set his heart on watching that evening. Holy hell. You have NO IDEA how guilty he makes me feel for watching something we’ve both seen. Something that’s fucking sitting on our many shelves of DVDs. But NOOOOOOOOooooooo! I pick it up and watch it the very afternoon he’s decided THAT’S the film or show he’s just GOT to fucking watch that night. Not that he tells me that. Oh, he’ll make me decide at 9 am what I want for dinner that night but he won’t tell me he’s made up his mind for entertainment and please don’t fucking watch it that very afternoon, okay? No. Then he takes the opportunity to make me feel fucking guilty for not being able to read his fucking mind.

Oh, I’d better get off this damned blog. I keep digging and there’s just more and more and more shit coming out. It’s like one of my sores from my pustular psoriasis. When it finally breaks open, it’s a real mess.

That’s me. A real mess.

No reason at all

Today’s fare? Top Gun Maverick. Goddess, I’m effing bored. I really don’t like Tom Cruise films. I think he’s a dick, so I don’t support him or his films. But it’s free on our box and I haven’t seen it and I certainly CANNOT watch one more cartoon in Dutch. So it’s on. Even tho I’ll end up just picking it apart.

T went to the gym. Again. I wake up and he’s gone. Comes back around 10. It makes me feel even more lazy. But the weather continues to be very humid, the most awful type of weather for me. And all plans for cleaning have gone out the window because T is finally building some extra DVD shelves for the front room and he’s going back and forth all day long. No cleaning because we’d be in each other’s way.

I don’t feel quite as depressed as I did a day or two ago. I hope that means my good intentions for getting up and cleaning are helping my mood. Doubt it.

Did my feet yesterday. Soaked, cleaned up the cuticles, cut and scraped under the nails and THEN applied my ointment. Realised I’m just not taking care of me these days. I only shower before band rehearsal so I don’t stink badly. My shrink has told me this IS depression: not showering, not doing anything, feeling like shit all the time. I’m trying to be more aware of that. Pull myself up as best as possible.

Hair: well, I’m not quite as upset as I was. If the braids come out and I have a lot of breakage, I’m cutting it off. I almost feel like I’m looking forward to cutting it. So I may cut it off no matter what. We’ll see what’s left and in what condition it’s in.

I just don’t feel ready to join life. Can’t find a reason to. Nobody cares. If I died right here in this chair in the next minute, I don’t think anyone would come to the services except for T. There may be one or two who would like to in the US, but cost and all the rest would prevent it. Fu-u-u-uck. That’s making my depression feel all the worse. Let’s just drop that subject.

T shoved the phone in my hands the other day. The repair guy called about my bedroom window which I just can’t close anymore. I think it’s badly warped. It wasn’t easy for years and this year, with all this high humidity, it’s become impossible to close. That was fine all summer. Just kept it cracked for some fresh air. But now winter is coming and I need it to close. So I wrote to the landlord, who passed my message on to the repair guy, who was calling on the phone in Dutch and T just couldn’t do it. Little wonder; the repair guy spoke fast and he’s not the clearest speaker. I found it difficult. But I heard Monday and 2 pm and got the gist. Monday will be busy! T’s at language class, then home for lessons around 3pm. I have to be here for a 2pm window repair. With luck, the guy will come in, sand down the sides, and be gone before T’s lesson starts. Otherwise… Well, it will be interesting. This is a small place.

Oh, this next week will be busy. Almost wrote (and left) ‘next week will be interesting‘ but we all know what they say about THAT statement.

No reason to curse myself. No reason at all.