All da Fuck about Me

I don’t really expect people to read my blogs or follow me. I am trying to get better, and by ‘get better’ I mean be happier. I don’t expect to be happy all the time, but I would like to feel better about myself and life in general. Too often I feel shitty about everything. Other times…well, you might never know how far down I go if you see me up.

Currently I’m undiagnosed. Doctors have noticed the depression (got so bad you’d have to be blind not to see it) but not the mania. I’ve been reluctant to talk about the mania. I’m embarrassed by what goes on in my head during those times. I LOVE it; don’t get me wrong. If I had to choose I’d choose mania over depression every single time. I can get a lot done during manic periods. A LOT. I’ve got loads of energy, everything is up, up, up. But I’ve caught myself too often in overblown fantasies; I don’t just see myself as successful, I see myself changing the world or being the absolute best at whatever project I’m worked up about. Fantasies about controlling the world, manipulating the elements, doing magic – whatever. I realize they’re not based in reality even when they’re happening to me, but there’s an addictive quality about what goes on during these flights of fancy; a self confidence I lack so often that when it hits me it’s like mainlining.

I guess these letters are kind of my confessional. My goal is honesty in each and every letter; honesty about how I feel (good and bad) and how I’m perceiving the world. My hope is that if I can siphon the poison out me line by line I’ll be able to finally let things go. My expectation is…nothing. I expect nothing out of this, and maybe that’s the best place to start.

What da fuck’s your current age: 50 and counting

What da fuck do you do: artist, social parasite

What da fuck is wrong wit ya: chronic rheumatoid arthritis, chronic tendonitis, psoriasis, pustular psoriasis. Probable: bipolar, chronic PTSD, anxiety disorder. Survivor of 2 narcissistic abusers.

Where da fuck are ya: currently, Netherlands

Why da fuck aren’t you writing letters anymore? ’cause

What’s wit da fucking attitude? that’s me

Got anything else the fuck to say? not right now


15 thoughts on “All da Fuck about Me

  1. It took over 20 years for my diagnosis to change from depression to bipolar. My relationships are probably better now that I am treated for bipolar. I’m less of a workaholic and perfectionist. Wish you the best on your journey.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I just found out yesterday that I’m perfectly qualified for “bipolar disorder” but I have decided to refuse this “disorder” label. It doesn’t mean that I’m doing nothing about my “bipolar order”, I’m just treating myself from another perspective. All the best for your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m quite lazy blogging in English. I will try to comment more on your blog as I follow, and let’s see how we can converse here.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I just found this website today and thought that you may want to have a look at it: (stories of people living well with bipolar – hope that helps)

    Getting back to my self-diagnosis of having a “bipolar order” in my old comment above, I now have to say that I was probably wrong about it. Over the past few months I have seemingly experiencing a depressive episode but what I thought to be my “ups” between my “downs” were probably not “good” enough to be called mania. Anyway.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the link. The site looks loaded with info, so I’m gonna pass this on to the blog-o-sphere.

      Don’t be too quick to judge yourself. Some of the reading I’ve done has indicated that bipolar is different for everyone who has it, and there are many different levels of it.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. HI! It’s nice to fuckin meet ya! 🙂 lol I am glad we have crossed paths. I hope at the very least that your writing is as you say siphoning out the poison. I know writing has helped me personally with that, and I have made some great connections in the process. In fact, I’ve been hosting a Meet and Greet on my blog since yesterday. Feel free to stop by and share your blog. Hope to see you there! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. you’re in the right place. I found the wordpress bipolar community doesn’t care how manic you are and what you do or don’t do, how depressed or strange you seem. Its a place of unconditional support. You don’t have to please anyone. Swear away, fuck, we all do! This is a non-judgemental outlet for what’s inside your head. Meds and a diagnosis help as well – they help to understand the crazy and make you feel less crazy….. sometimes. From a world that tells you who to be and how to be, this is a place of freedom

    Liked by 2 people

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