My brain never seems to come up with anything that looks like reality. Yesterday I spent many hours thinking about the backlash from me quitting the other group. What I received wasn’t even close to what I imagined.
First comunicado was from our missing board member who’s off playing new Daddy for a year. It included a thanks for my work, a wish of success to me, and a last minute try to sly question about what I’m doing. My one sentence reply went through about ten re-writes before I sent it: I’m working with a film group to produce my work. A safe and truthful answer that doesn’t need more. Later on I received a request from L to send her the website password. I told her before that I signed in using my email, not theirs. I don’t know their password and I never changed the site password. But she’s still asking. So I sent her the info and hope she can figure it out so she doesn’t continuously sign in as me. Tho that’s a long shot. I actually doubt she’ll change it; she doesn’t do that type of thing. But that’s been it. Seems to me they were expecting this. Their response does not match people to whom this is a total surprise. It matches the response of people who half expected this, who heard rumor, who were ready for it. …They’re being civil; gotta give them that. At least to my face.
My bro was out performing with the choir yesterday. Some big event downtown. I skipped out; it kept raining. About 2 in the afternoon I looked in the ‘fridge and realized two things: one, nothing was prepped for dinner and two, I’d forgotten to make a quiche with the last of the Mexican like I said. Checked everything and headed downstairs to pick up what I needed. Then it was cook, cook, cook. Ended up timing it perfectly, getting the quiche in the oven about 15 minutes before my bro got home. He was happy he didn’t have to make dinner and that I’d remembered to do what I promised in the kitchen. I don’t begrudge it, but it did take up my entire afternoon when you add in cleaning up after myself. No tidying up around the flat, no shower. All needed this morning.
Sleep was interrupted by what sounded like a white trash argument in the street. Six a.m. A couple. Back and forth they went, their voices ringing off the buildings lining the lane. I lay in bed, contemplating filling up one of the water guns and shooting them down while screaming at them to shut up. A perfect plan but for one thing: I gave the water guns to M for safe keeping. They finally trailed off, either getting in a car or just walking out of the area. But, DAMN! Annoying shit made doubly annoying by the time of day. I really have to contemplate keeping a bowl of water balloons or something by my window. I’m in the perfect place to teach idiots like that a lesson – especially when, nine times out of ten – they’re arguing right under my window. My bro warns me off that type of behavior, but I don’t know. I think I’d rather like being the old woman who’ll shoot a water gun at you or drop a water balloon on you if you’re being a dick.
Cherry season is here. I grew up and lived in Wisconsin, a state that liked to boast about their Bing Cherry season. Having sampled both, I can truthfully state that Wisconsin’s boasts are empty. I’ve never had cherries like the cherries here: black with ripeness, and so much flavor in your mouth it lasts and lasts, the vitamin C slightly burning your tongue. Unbelievable. Probably need to go down and buy another batch. I ate most of the first batch last night.
Language tomorrow and I haven’t even opened my homework to look at it. Bad me. Two weeks ago I thought I’d get to it quickly. Then came the mania burn, the loss of evenings as my mind churned. Never did get to it. Worse: I’ve been reading English. I’m at the lowest point with Dutch as I could be. Ugh.
At least I feel relaxed. Not wound up, but prepared. I really do want to hear what others have to say. Put out my ideas and allow everyone to work with them. Hoping for a good back and forth.
Have to say, I’m not expecting anything. I just learned (again) how limited my imagination can be. Good lesson to have right in my face as I head into this meeting. I like to flatter myself that I come up with every possible outcome, but I don’t. I weigh and judge, throwing out those possibilities I think aren’t likely to happen. That’s a mistake. I see that now. And, learn from it: those judgements I make are my prejudices, not theirs. I deem them unwilling to do things differently and forecast an outcome based on the underside of their characters. Don’t buy into it! This could just be another subterfuge, some false niceness that covers up a meaner intention. That’s the shit I get lost in: the layers of lies some people use.
Good thing is, I don’t have to deal with it. I’m out, without anyone whining. I’ll take it – without complaint. But…
It’s not what I imagined.