Ah, yes. I didn’t expect it, but then, I never do. Yesterday, when I said ‘work’, I meant household stuff. Picking up the house. Didn’t get much of that done, tho. Why? Because some other part of me heard ‘work’ and as soon as I sat down at my computer I began typing. That went on until I had to help with dinner.

The comedy I outlined months ago is starting to come out. Or some version of it. Certainly won’t say my first draft is the final draft. My bro came out, asked what I was doing. I told him the synopsis of the piece, some of the jokes I knew I wanted to include. He was laughing his ass off. I want to get a good draft ready, then maybe ask select people from the theatre group to work it with me. People I trust. People who aren’t assholes. People who aren’t D. Get the story in, the main jokes in, and let the group mould the rest. THAT’s the one you can comment on, people. THAT’s the one you can bring up alternate scenes or dialogue for. NOT my horror.

Feels good to be writing for me, even if the chances are high I’ll end up tossing whatever I write because I’ll rewrite it better later on.

Also doing some research on a new horror idea. I won’t say much about it here, other than yes, I’m basing it in fact once again. My online searches for the unexplained yielded a great nugget and as far as I’ve been able to find, no one has tackled this subject from this point of view. I’m excited about it, and very cautious. Because my bro and I think we’ve picked up a poltergeist.

For the past several days, there’s been an extremely loud door creak going on late at night. It only happens between midnight and 3 a.m. My ears are as good as they get, and I thought it was my brother’s bedroom door – that’s how loud it is. But it isn’t. I mentioned it to my bro, who’s marked it and heard it as well. We can’t figure it out. If it’s downstairs, wouldn’t they open and close that door more often than just midnight to 3 a.m.? Annoyingly, it really sounds like it’s coming from our flat. Wakes me up every time. My brother wonders if a poltergeist got a bit offended at all my jokes about Ghost Adventures. Do not know. All I do know is it’s strange. Very strange.

Ah, fucking around with the unexplained can really get you into a mess…

This new story I’m researching… It has the potential to bring in a lot more than just an annoyed poltergeist that thinks I should be a bit nicer about Zak and the gang in Ghost Adventures. A LOT more. I’m being very careful, gathering my research but not making any judgements about what I find.

And why write a story I think may fuck me up in real life? Why write something that has the capability to twist my own reality into a nightmare?

Can’t really answer that one, except to say because I must. I see it, I must write it. Or the thought of that unfinished story drives me insane.

There is snow outside. SNOW. Not much, but enough to cover the ground. Everything is white.

Have to shower today. Do my homework for tomorrow. Hope I can get back to my comedy. Keep writing that. It’s a good thing to keep me busy while I cook up another scare storm.

Had a wonderful meal last night: pork roast with cranberries, slow roasted potatoes, peas in cheese sauce. For dessert we had cheesecake bits and fresh clementines. It was SO GOOD! All the supermarkets in the area carry these holiday specials. Small versions of everything you can imagine, made to share at parties. Special roasts, veg preps, fresh fruit… The Netherlands celebrates like no other country. Seriously. If you love food, come here. You won’t regret it. The lowest tier of food is far beyond anything you’ll expect.

Hung the Xmas lights, too. A little extra color in our window.

Feeling better than I normally do around this time of year. The good food is helping, as is the fact that my bro and I are working together. It’s never easy for the two of us to cook at the same time in the kitchen because it’s so small. When we can do it, have a great meal, and not step on each other’s toes in the process, it’s a damned good day. And we’ve been having damned good days for a while now. We’re cooking together, doing dishes together, and laughing together. Thanking each other for the work we do.

Haven’t said anything yet to the group about doing my work as a podcast. I want to modify the script for audio first. Work on sound effects second. Then bring in the actors, hopefully this spring.

All I can say is: thanks. For everything. To my brother, to the Universe, to the group. Thank you!

I always feel better when I write.


Ready to work

Met with L yesterday. Many things hung off that meeting: would I continue to be a board member, would the group ever see another script by me, etc. I was a bit nervous.

Got down to the place we were meeting early. Stopped at the library and returned my finished book. Haven’t looked for anything else for over the holidays yet; want to head to my local branch and see what they have.

…Have I expressed my regret over any dissing I ever did of L? Let me lay it out: I take everything back. Everything. If she ever asks for recognition, she bloody well deserves it. She’s the one arguing with venues, probably getting ulcers as they diss her on replies and dates months after we thought we had everything taken care of. She’s the one kicking the director in the butt to get on schedule. She’s the one talking and working with M, the other board member, 24 hours a day because they happen to work together at the same place and, like me, L never really shuts off. If it isn’t our theatre group, it’s her other theatre group.

I suspect the other board members asked L to feel me out during the meeting. lol! Here I was, doing the same on my side, trying to pussy foot around a few things and find out where we stand without being vulgar. Bless her. She asked me straight up: How do you feel about working with D? She said she wanted to audition again. I didn’t miss a beat: I won’t work with her. Not in the same production. But I’m happy to do the PR, take pictures, write the blog, and do everything I can to promote the group. I told L I felt completely dissed by D. I relayed to her that I knew I was shaking really badly during the episode and I regretted that, but that’s how angry I was. I told her I still don’t know what happened, that I thought I was being good and not saying much, but obviously I said or did something D didn’t like. I discussed my decision about wanting to be part of the solution rather than the problem, and L smiled. We then spent a good ten minutes talking scripts. I left with: Anything I can do to help you over the next few months, just let me know. I see who does the work behind the scenes. L laughed and hugged me. She asked if I’d be willing to film her other group. That’s what she wanted the camera for, but the tripod is a tiny thing and it would be better if I was there running the camera. Of course I jumped at that: a chance to see her behind the scenes in another group, a chance to see the play without having to pay, and a chance to help her out. I’m all for it.

Came home to find the director had finally replied about Tuesday. So far, all the board can make it. L and I decided we needed to push that meeting thru so we can come to a decision before the holidays.

I feel better. Assured. Ready to help and be a part of the group.

And the best thing? L still REALLY wants to do my script. She even mentioned getting an October venue date set in stone and doing it for Halloween, like I originally wanted to…

We may get snow this weekend. It’s been cold enough that the frost behind the building hasn’t melted for 2 days. Every time I think it’s damned cold I remember the paintings I’ve seen of the Dutch canals frozen over so hard that people skate on them. THAT’s cold. We’re chilly. Brr.

Time to hang Xmas lights. Time to do the dishes, my laundry. Get back to the gym and walk out my back.

Thank you, Universe, for not giving me the worst case scenario. Thank you, me, for hanging in there and keeping the panic from driving me to do worst. And thank you, L, for everything. For meeting with me, for talking straight with me, for the hugs and the smiles, for everything.

For the first time in weeks I feel totally clear. No hidden anxieties eating me up.

I’m ready to work.

Catch up

Still not ready to take a day off from dumping out my early morning thoughts. Yes, I know this has been going on for a long time. No, I don’t know when it’ll stop.

Ten thirty last night and my phone went off. L is borrowing the camera I have so she can film her other theatre group’s rehearsals and she wanted to know when and where we could make the exchanged. Meeting her downtown today. She offered to come all the way out to me, but I said I’d meet her; I know, now, how busy she is. Hoping, too, we’ll have 20 minutes or so to talk.

Not sure what’s going on with the board. Last messages were about a possible meeting on Tuesday, but nothing is yet set in stone.

My bro came home from his language class around noon. I’d actually got up off my ass and done the hoovering in the house (had to empty the bag 3 times, full every time). He woke up late, blah, blah, and came home wanting some food. Was I hungry? I jumped at the chance. First, I’m trying to eat more often. Second, I knew I needed to get the hell out of the house. Went down to Alexander mall and tried a new place: Emecki. Outstanding. Had a Turkish wrap with spinach, feta, onions, tomatoes and olives with a large Turkish tea for only €7,50. Even took a pic of my meal to post (so millennial of me!) because it was THAT good.

Swung by MediaMarkt to look at everything. Lights, cameras, speakers, tablets, entertainment. Happy to find that for a couple hundred euro I could buy a new video camera that looks good. Just need to find out the format they spit out; for some reason that vital bit of information wasn’t worthwhile to put on their description. Rummaged thru the discount bin for vids. Found Poldark seasons 1-4 for a good price and picked it up. *sigh* OMG. Aidan Turner! That’s as perfect a male specimen as I’ve ever seen. There aren’t many men who make me go all gooey inside, but he’s one. I’ve got a big crush on him.

My bro does not share my view of Turner nor of Poldark. He picked up The Young Ones on DVD for himself. I enjoy that show, too, even tho I’ve seen it thousands of times. Been a long time because our copies were on video tape and we never got them transferred. Still funny and fresh, even all these years later.

Finished every word in my book. Happily, I’m right by the library today when I meet L. I can take the book back and return it.

Dragging my feet on the website. Really need to get to that.

Beginning to settle down. Sleep has returned to normal hours. Slowly getting my surroundings clean and sorted. Hoping, even, to get back to the gym soon. Had to run for the metro yesterday and my heart hammered in my chest much longer than I wanted. Wa-a-a-a-ay out of training.

… Wa-a-a-a-ay out of everything. Realized I haven’t put up any special lights yet. Haven’t done a lot lately.

I need to play catch up.

It just is

“Financial independence.” For some reason the words stuck with me yesterday. So let’s address it.

This two word phrase is an oxymoron. You cannot be financially independent. The value of said financial wealth is completely dependent on the market, ie, other people. If they don’t want your paper money or gold or oil or whatever it is you’ve stockpiled, you’ve got nothing.

No one and nothing is ‘independent’. Everything hangs off something else; this is a living, breathing eco system and that’s just the way it works. Taking money or wealth from one place and moving it to another is not an independent move, it’s totally dependent and takes it from somewhere or someone else. We’re dealing with a pie chart, people. Literally. And there’s only so much pie to go around. Pretending we have an open and unlimited supply of ANYTHING is bullshit economics. We do NOT live in an open system. It is CLOSED. Only so much clean air, clean ground, clean air. Finite. Use it up and that’s it, assholes.

Rule One in Basic Econ should be stated as: We live in a closed and finite system. Most economics go off immediately on theoretical bullshit (much like beginning physics classes). They’ll ignore certain aspects in order to ‘teach’ the basic equations. My theory is they teach nothing but ignorance by doing this. We have loads of people out there fucking with the world after only one or two econ classes. And what have they been taught? Open market theory. Infinite supply; in their world, everything hangs off of demand. Demand is the capitalists’ God. They worship it every fucking day. And it’s a demon god; they use certain tactics to get you to buy their shit. No one says ‘brain washing’. No. They now call it ‘marketing’. In truth, it’s the same fucking thing. Same techniques are being used. Repetition, coupled with fear or desire images and ideas to reinforce the idea. Buy this or else no one will love you. Buy this and get a woman that looks like the one we’ve used in this ad. Buy it. Do you remember the name? Most marketers will repeat it 5 times in ads. Watch them with an open mind and see it. Three is the rule, actually, to get someone to remember something. But modern marketing leaves these programming bits down to 10 or 15 seconds, so they load it up to get their money’s worth.

There is no economic model that actually is accurate. They don’t have all the variables included. No economic model on this planet takes into account the environmental impact of industry. Most won’t even take transport costs into account until you get into higher level stuff (or micro econ, which breaks things down into smaller components).

Most of all, tho, is that we need to remember that any economic model currently spouted as ‘the right one to follow’ was designed by the 1%. The slave owners. The people who can squeeze everyone else because of some ‘god given right’. And yes, they’re still out there. They will never develop a true model of the world because they need the models they show us to support their dominance over us. They are the ghost hunters looking for ‘proof’ that supports their position. They will discount anything and everything that does NOT support said position, and skew what they do get to convince the rest of us that yes, it’s somehow right that only a few people have anything and the rest of us are fighting just to exist.

Do I have the answers? Hell, no. The equations we’re talking about are BIG. But I do know any ‘widget’ should include certain costs that they currently don’t. Costs like how much it’ll take to clean things up after the company is done polluting the environment. Don’t act like it doesn’t happen. It’s happening everywhere right now. Nine times out of ten the company walks away and is never even fined. The communities, the people, bear the cost. And the risk.

And there’s another trick of the 1%. Any talk of taxing companies means consumers get those taxes. They’ll roll it out as a company tax increase, something that industry needs to bear. But no industry will let that pass. They’ll increase costs and cut their workers in order to make money. Who pays? Not those at the top. Not those with the money; they have money because they do shit like this. We will pay. Increased costs everywhere.

Tax increases always come back to the populace. Always. While industry ‘pays’ a bit of tax (technically; the payments come from their accounts), it’s always the consumer who pays it in the end thru increased costs. So there’s another oxymoron for you this morning: industry tax.

…An older and very cynical part of me is present today. This is the person who studied accounting, finance, and economics to learn what was going on. She’s not happy. Never has been. All she does is tread thru layers of bullshit and lies to find the truth.

*sigh* And she’s been blown off by lots of people. People who never completed the type of in depth study she did. People who, as is very common today, simply slagged her off on a personal level in order to shame and discredit her.

I really hate people who question my intelligence. I usually just point them to the correct reference material to prove my point. But I’m finding idiots are just as apt to think everyone is similar to themselves as I am apt to think everyone has the ability to put 2 and 2 together to get 4.


Someday, maybe, I’ll write that book. The Big Book of Real Economics. Do the research, site my references, put those graphs together that every fucking editor wants to see, and release it. Shake things up.

For now… Ye Gods. If you can’t see it, I won’t explain it. I can’t explain why 2 plus 2 is four. It just is.


Asparagus. Need I say more? Had a lovely dinner of thinly sliced smoked ham and asparagus wrapped in French crepes and topped with Bernaise sauce. YUM! I was reminded how tasty it was last night and again this morning while peeing. *sniff, sniff*

The theatre board is talking about meeting. Nothing set in stone yet.

The newsletter arrived in my mailbox this morning. I’d asked M about it; he thought maybe we should hang onto it until we have something concrete to say about our own group. I agreed we could do that, saying I only wanted to make sure it gets out before L’s other performances so we can give her a good plug (um…marketing plug). That was last night, and today I have the newsletter. Maybe M is feeling that ‘gee, guys, ARE we meeting to talk about this?’ like I am. Just happy it’s out.

Surprised my bro by doing the shopping the other day. He was running around, getting stuff printed, doing errands. Ah, nothing like doing something unexpected like that when I’m down. Get loads of praise for it. When I’m up I won’t hear that so much. But I was thanked profusely, and grateful for it.

Feel it’s time to clean. Don’t know why I always get that feeling after a major bump in my emotional road, but I do. Organize, tidy, put it where it should go. I think it’s me trying to put me back together again.

Finished my book last night. Just reading thru the last chapter that includes definitions of specific words and reference materials to look up. Gee. Give me those definitions after I toughed out the meaning while reading. Thanks. I might have put that chapter first, not last.

But that’s me. I’ve also thought about doing ‘Dude’. A playscript using only one word: dude. I’ve heard entire conversations go on using only that word; many people in the area I grew up in made a game of it. That’s such an American concept. I wouldn’t be able to even BEGIN explaining such a script to Europeans (they love The Big Lebowski, but they can’t do it). And however much Europeans claim to love the US (and they do, particularly New York City, a fact which puzzles me mightily), they don’t want to adopt US talk-speak. For that, they’ll fall back on the British English. I saw it. Gave them an American script, with American settings, characters, and curses. They were changing it left and right, unable to adapt to the American setting. Never mind about doing the accent correctly; they can’t even deliver an American string of curses correctly. Totally wrong inflection. They can’t do it. Ask them to say ‘a load of bollocks’ and they’ll do fine; give them ‘goddamn mother fuckers’ and it sounds totally silly coming out of their mouths.

I’m so much happier not doing my script. Yeah, I said it. It was stressing me out majorly. I saw some members ready for it: great performances. Others…not so much. Still not happy over the perceived dissing I received during the process. Decided I will begin to give tit for tat; if I get teased about being short or American, I’ll point out that the director has a beard and everyone speaks like they come from Britain. Oh, I’ll say, I thought we were pointing out the obvious…

Mostly, I just want to pick up and get going on the next project. Make a decision and go for it. It ain’t that hard. C’mon people!

Have more Ghost Adventures to watch this afternoon. I’m loving the arrogance and idiot moves of those guys. So funny! Episode after episode, they’re absolutely laughable. No idea what they’re doing, and they like to pretend they’re tough for going into a place for one night. Zak, in particular, is funny. Just watching the first few seasons I’ve learned he’s scared of: heights, dolls, paintings, mannequins, toys, bees, rain and thunder… Seems like every episode he reveals another phobia. Things you’re guaranteed to hear every episode: This is creepy, I’m pumped, Oh my God!, I swear to God, I feel strange and Dude! In some episodes those phrases make up 90% of the dialogue. Bleeding hilarious!

Gonna tidy up today. Get my personal space clean and see where my mind takes me. Maybe I’ll write, maybe I’ll just fuck off.


I’ll pass

Nudge. Sent out that WhatsApp question about the board. Four minutes later the conversation was open and going back and forth.

Thought, while we were still working on my script, that the holidays were gonna be a problem. Everyone said ‘No, they won’t; we’re not going away on holiday and we’ll be here to continue working.’ I was right, of course. Even the board is having problems scheduling around their holiday parties and other commitments. There’s only 4 of us and so far we can’t find a date that suits everyone in the next week and a half.

Was pleased to pick up on nothing negative from that conversation. No side stepping me. Even had a light hearted pic posted to me from L, who was in rehearsal with her other theatre group.

My bro is right: I’m the only one who’s worrying about this. The others have shut their brains down for the holidays. Their agendas are full of parties and things to do.

Have a feeling that I’m the only one to do any leg work on another script, too. Just…a feeling.

Sat thru my entire Dutch lesson yesterday. Left the house assuring myself that if I continued to feel so damned down I could make an excuse and duck out early. But I found the distraction good. No one asked about the play, so I didn’t have to confront any of that. Break time was very isolated; everyone turned away from me and ignored me. I took out a Dutch newspaper and read. Managed to keep up with the class even tho I’d lost 2 weeks of work.

Still haven’t seen the newsletter come thru; must ask about that.

Need to tackle the website now. Put up a notice that we’re not doing the trilogy. Keep it light. Post a blog update. Not enthused over that project. The website is gonna get stripped down to almost nothing. Especially since I can’t say for sure if or what we’ll do next.

No one’s noticed that I did my hair. Not my bro, no one at class, nobody. Well… my pillow noticed. It’s got a dark stain from some of the dye coming out at night while I sweat. Great. Okay. Guess I wasn’t as grey as my mind led me to believe.

Have about 15 pages left in my book to read. Want to get thru it this week, preferably tonight or tomorrow. Get the book back to the library and find something for over the holiday. Keep feeding myself Dutch; the answers I knew yesterday came from my reading. I’d read the words before and remembered how to use them. My teachers laughed when I said that. That’s how they learned, too. But they want me to know the rules. I’m getting there.

And I was a bit amazed at myself during the break. The paper I read was a national one, but I found the text easier than my book. Easier. Suppose I shouldn’t be so surprised by that; same holds true in English. You can’t write a paper at too high a reading level. You’ll miss your audience. Right now, my book is tough. It’s all about the 100 year war and I’ve read at least 2 chapters on battalion movements. References to Lord this or that, King so and so… It’s easy to get lost. And bored. But reading that paper -! It was a step down in vocabulary usage. I actually got thru 3 articles during the break – THAT’S how easy it was.

Thinking now is the time to get my butt back to the gym. My back and hips are hurting, and I have the time now that I’m not running here and there to rehearsals every night. Start building up my strength again.

Food isn’t great. Found my mood really went down the toilet yesterday, but after eating I perked up. Didn’t eat ’til 5 p.m. Why? I’m not hungry. At all. It doesn’t even register. Had 2 full bowls of homemade tomato soup and some fresh rolls. Ate a sandwich around 8 to make sure I had enough calories. Yeesh! Me, saying I need to make sure I eat enough! Don’t know when my appetite went out the window like this. It’s been gradual, I guess. But it really has become a hassle. I have to eat on schedule, like it or not.

Sleep is much better. Sleeping fewer hours. Waking up before my bro, not after. Feel a bit tired and find it pretty damned easy to take a nap during the afternoon or early evening. My pillows stay on the bed these days, tho. No more looking like a war field when I wake up.

Pretty obvious to me that I’m calmer than I was.

Good. Holidays are tough on me. I don’t generally admit to that because why get into it? I hate to admit that I miss my family even tho I hate them as much as I do. It’s true, tho. I see a few holiday posts and wonder if they ever think about me during those pix. Does anyone afford me a thought? Sadly, I think not – and that thought makes me doubly depressed. But I’ve a lifetime of being left out. Not being invited by them, not hearing things, not being asked to join in when they do things. Even when I’m right on the spot. I tell myself none of them are as happy as those pictures make them seem. I pull up real memories of those parties: the alcohol amounts consumed, the way time was actually spent: in front of the tv, not gathered round in some communal spirit. Nope. Football (American) would be on the tv, with several members yelling at said tv to ‘help’ their team win. Alcohol in the morning, alcohol in the afternoon, alcohol while you ate and a few drinks afterwards just to make sure that holiday buzz is going well.

Not the Norman Rockwell version of holidays. More the white trash trailer park version. Without the trailer park.

I’ll pass.

…You know the kind of clouds you’ve seen in recent disaster films? The ones that stretch horizon to horizon and have a depressed ‘mouth’ of a large tornado forming? That’s what’s outside my window this morning. Somehow, I feel it doesn’t bode well…

Still nothing from the group. We didn’t meet last week and nothing about meeting this week. Suspect others are discussing options without me; they all work together at the same place. No proof, naturally. Other than my gut instinct. Have decided that if I hear nothing by this evening I’ll send out a FB board post asking ‘Is the board meeting this week?’ Not including myself automatically. If they want me there, they’ll tell me.

Regardless of that, I need to return M’s camera to him.

The newsletter has not been released. That’s the other part of the equation. Yes, the person I passed it to might be busy over the weekend. Yes, there are more than a hundred reasons why it hasn’t gone out yet, none of them to do with me. Still. It puts me on edge.

Sort of vacillating. I get a little panicky when I think the group’s gonna kick me off the board before it even becomes a real thing (the paperwork needed to file with the gov’t is currently sitting on my table). Then I imagine my life sans the group: more time for me, more time for my writing. Even given thought to starting up a theatre group on this side of the city, near me. I’ll run it, or try to, and we’ll concentrate on my works. That calms me.

But…DAMN. No one will even consider looking at my work until it gets produced. In this game, agents come to you (supposedly). Can’t get my work out on any platform until I have representation, and no one will represent me without a production under my belt. I’ve heard nothing from the US group that wanted to do my stuff. So much nothing I’ve been reluctant to bring it up because I feel like it’s in the same place we were: it’s right on the edge. Me talking it up could curse it to death.

It all feels damned discouraging.

Does not help to see all those fucking articles on-line, either. The ‘I was a sex slave, now I’m a nobel laureate’ things. You know the ones: they’re supposed to be inspirational but when you’re already down it just comes off sounding like ‘why can’t you do this?’ Fucking hell. Nothing more discouraging to someone my age than hearing about wunderkinds who are smashing all records at the age of 17.

Decided I’ll need to go back to the trilogy and do some tinkering. Make sure I have the scripts set for the stage the way I want, then modify them for sound recording. I know I’ll need to change small things for a sound-only production.

And you know the worst of it all? Facing all those people who already know about the production. Fielding those questions about it. Telling them it’s over, we’re not doing it. It’s like I have to relive it over and over. There’s one of the reasons I backed out of class for 2 weeks in a row. Today I return to my lessons. Meh.

Pleased, at least, that my system is calming down. Sleep is getting back to normal, as are my morning bathroom visits.

Haven’t given a damn about my waist line. Still getting bakery treats every time we go downstairs. This week: cherry pie.

Thought regretfully over the lack of support from my family. Yeah, that still gets to me on occasion. More than ‘on occasion’. Often. Every time I hear about someone being supported by their family when they grew up. That is the biggest fantasy scenario I know of. It’s so far outside my experience that I can’t even properly imagine it. And yes, I’m jealous as hell of everyone who had it. Sometimes I think if I had ANY support from my family things might have been different. I may have been able to like myself. Found something to do that I could do and liked doing. Made something of myself. Instead…instead, it often feels like they cut away part of me. Like I’m missing some vital component ‘normal’ people have. I feel disabled by it. Disabled by my inability to trust people, disabled by my poor social skills. It puts me at an automatic disadvantage.

Trying to not think that way. Maybe my family is to blame, but now it’s my turn. It’s my choice. How I react is how I react. Not easy, though. I know my early training moulded much of my personality.

Fuck, I’m down. Think I may have forgot my happy pill yesterday morning. Hard to tell from the pill packet. Made sure to take one today.

Just… trying to get by. These sharp ups and downs… I know it’s probably still the back-lash from the manic adrenaline dump when I spoke to D. Dr T said that would screw with me for awhile. But DAMN I’m down. And finding it hard to keep going. Part of me just wants to turn away from the world, curl up into a ball, and sleep the rest of my life away. Why even try? Nothing ever works for me. No one cares. I mean, when your family doesn’t even give a shit about you unless it’s to be their whipping dog, you automatically develop a shitty sense of self worth, you know?

Bah. When in doubt, remain silent. Don’t talk much. Stay quiet.

I may not even get that message out asking about the board meeting.


Pulled myself together yesterday. Said: you can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, and realized that statement was dead-on.

Powered thru the newsletter, including the opening. Began the with the title: Good-bye 2018! and followed up with the announcement that we’re not doing my script. Then it was breezy assurances about December theatre and the fun we’re all having. It read well to me, so I sent it to M who then sends it on to everyone who’s signed up.

Did more research on scripts, including signing up at (good site if you don’t know about it). They’ve got a search engine that includes cast size and composition, genre, type of theatre – so many parameters I didn’t use all of them. Found something I think sounds really good. It’s a full length comedy about 4 women who open an underwear business to save their town after the factory closes. I mean…the premise alone promises to be lots of fun. Skimmed thru a few pages on line. The dialogue felt natural and bright. Going to head out and give it a thorough read today. I’ve got the time.

Noted that by the end of the evening last night a lot of worry fell off me. A better part of myself must have been talking to me, and I finally heard it. I was just sitting in my chair, watching tv. But suddenly I realized – fully – that I’m not to blame for what happened. The director canned the first actor; I didn’t want that. The last actor left because of his own problems. The only thing I could ever be held accountable for was D’s leaving. One out of three. That’s not 100% blame. And I don’t even think that I’m fully responsible for D. She was the one who wasn’t going to take direction. She was the one who wasn’t trying. Not me. And although I’m not thrilled by my hide-in-my-shell knee jerk reaction, I did manage to snap out of it and turn it around. The newsletter might feel a bit light and fluffy, but that’s okay. It’s December. And I’ve found a viable solution. A script we can use whether or not everyone currently on the cast participates. It’s even in our price range.

I’m ready to head to a board meeting with a smile on my face. A genuine smile.

Now that my head is free of anxiety over my story getting ruined, I’m ready to make other plans. I can still grab video footage of the behind the scenes fun. I can still take pix and talk things up. Keep the newsletter going and update the website. In other words, I’m ready to be the PR person in total for the group.

Today I want to clean up the website. Put up a short announcement about my script and keep it up; we still have flyers out there pointing people to my work. Time to take down the synopses and the marketing blurbs. And time to put up Issue 1 of the newsletter.

It’s good to feel un-guilty. There’s my lesson: find a solution. If you feel responsible, help find a solution rather than just sit there feeling guilty. Feeling guilty does no one any good. It doesn’t move anything forward. Think! Apologize if you feel you must, but be ready to offer a solution. Every leader fucks up, but great leaders can turn it around and find solutions to their own messes. I get that now.

Hoping the board will get together this week.

I think I’ve earned an invitation.


It’s as bad as I’d feared.

Been working over the last 24 hours to find English theatre in NL with December performances. Stuff I can fill the newsletter with. Is it there? Is there one place to find it all? No. Of Course not. Not even with STET, which is supposed to be a sort of umbrella org for all English theater in NL.

I’m finding a great deal of competitiveness in Dutch theatre. Not quite what I expected.

Had to cull thru multiple posting sites. Go out to theatre’s websites because they don’t advertise on any of those sites. Pull info, dates, descriptions. Ye, Gods! And I was still light for the newsletter.

Out to, which posts calls for films. Mostly student stuff, unpaid. Nonetheless: I pulled six interesting posts and put them in a special section.

Expanding the section for L’s December performances with her other theatre group. It’s just blank right now; gotta figure out what to put there.

Have not changed the opening yet, nor written the announcement about my script. Leaving that for last. Hope to quote or paraphrase the director, keep it simple.

Been searching, too, for scripts we might do. I’d like to come to the table with at least 2 suggestions. Nothing more aggravating than having people throw up their hands and say: I’ve no ideas. Bring some ideas in.

Sent out a FB message to the board. Kept it light: been working on filling the newsletter, found this site to search for scripts, will change the website once the newsletter is done. Received a reply from one person.

Proceeding as if I’m still on the board. That may change, I know. But I feel like my behavior in the next week or two might tip the balance. Can I bounce back and give it my all? Can I keep being the cheerleader and newsletter writer? Determined to keep my promises.

Did my hair today. Sitting with a wet head right now, letting it air dry. Don’t know if you’ll see a big difference in it, but I can tell I didn’t go Carrot Top orange or anything like that. Good enough.

Pffft…. Have to put in more time on the newsletter. I want to get it out tomorrow. But not right now. Now I need a break. Cheerleading when you’re down…that’s a skill I didn’t fully appreciate before this. Whoo. hoo.

No word on a board meeting yet. This coming week, maybe? As usual, I expect the notice to come in last minute.

Stripped all the vids from the camera. Filled my back-up memory; need to find something new now ’cause I ain’t done. Haven’t looked at them yet. Haven’t wanted to add to my depressive feelings.

Talked with my bro. Excellent; we’re on the same track. We’ll ask for no favors from the theatre group. Rooms will be rented to record in. Travel expenses can be reimbursed. We may even be able to pay them a token amount for their time. We will not: put up with attitudes nor waste our time. Miss a recording date and you’re out (tho we’ll find something to do and not totally waste our money). Dick me on any aspect of the story or dialogue and you’re out; this is mine, and I’m directing it. Sign the release or don’t record. If none of them want to comply, the call goes out on

That feels good. Knowing I’ll at least have the audio versions done precisely the way I want.

… Aaaargh! You know what the toughest part of the newsletter is? That damned opening. How do I say Happy Holidays! and We’re canning our current production and really sad about it at the same time? Talk about bipolar writing -! I’ve no flipping idea how to do that.

Tough weekend. Glad I took the time to do something for me. Maybe I’ll do my nails, too. Gotta find some comfort for me when and where I can.


Keep yourself safe

The director sent out a long WhatsApp message last night, telling the actors the production is over. It was…diplomatic. I’m not sure of the sincerity of it. Then came the responses. The longest from M, who was doing great in her role. G chimed in with a ‘Can’t wait for the next script’ or some such shit, just a note that she didn’t express any regret that my script was getting canned. Nor did the other online friend of D; again, it was enthusiastic over doing something else. I watched the messages come in, but remained silent.

Supposedly the board will be ‘meeting soon’. No idea when.

Had my appointment with Dr T yesterday. Told him in Dutch that I was happy to see him, then apologized and said ‘that’s the last Dutch from me, I’m too wound up’. Told him all. The sadistic revenge fantasies, the headaches, the total lack of understanding over what happened. He agreed that D must have been projecting onto me, and it was unfortunate that I got so triggered so quickly into my treatment. But he also felt it was an unusual blip, that I was doing well on my current level of medication before it happened. We talked about cluster headaches. He made a lot of notes. I wound up by telling him my plan: at the next board meeting, I’m gonna give them an opportunity to kick me out. Just say that if they have second thoughts because of what went down with D, they could just tell me and that would be it. I’d be disappointed, naturally, but I’d rather have it upfront than see it eek out in passive-aggressive behavior like D. Dr T felt that was logical and a good way to take care of myself.

Today I want to take all the vids off the camera. Still don’t have anything to convert them, but I can pull them and watch them. Keep them in storage and use them if I want. And, if I’m honest, I want to review any of act 3 rehearsals. Listen to see if I said something ‘too controlling’. Back myself up with proof that I wasn’t being a bitch.

And maybe I caught D being a bitch. I’d cut and loop that shit, just for me. To remind me how shitty she really was and that I’m not crazy.

The rest of my weekend is devoted to the newsletter. Finding something to fill 2 pages of now blank info. Gotta think, too, about the website. Announcing that we’re not doing the script. Figure out what to put out there to make it vibrant and exciting.

Have decided that I’ll quietly work on the sound aspects for the trilogy during Xmas break, just like I planned. I want to get the sound effects done before I announce that my bro and I are taking it to podcast. Thinking, too, of who I’ll ask and who I won’t. And how I’ll respond if someone (G) whom I don’t want in the podcast tells me they’re willing to do it. Some of that’s easy: I’m the director, and you’ll have to say and do what I want. In G’s case, that means using ‘creepy’ every single fucking time I wrote it. It’s there for a reason. I’m not asking you to understand it or even like it; just do it. Good thing to remember: in audio productions, it’s much easier to use the same actor in several roles. A new accent, a different EQ on the voice, and víola: a different character. I could do all three acts as podcasts with just the board members – which is what I’m thinking of doing.

Been watching horror. Picked up several new DVDs the other day. Most are just okay; typical story lines, typical shots, typical scares. One, The Conjuring, is very good. The direction in it is stellar, and it’s quickly climbing up my favorite horror films list. Yep. I can see the difference. Feel it and hear it. There’s a very fine line between good and bad in horror. It’s easy to do bad horror. It’s damned difficult to do good horror. You know the camp I sit in.

…Oh! And Dr T noticed my eyes yesterday. I was born with two different pupil sizes; my right eye remains dilated and reacts very slowly to light. It gives me a strange appearance. And I can always tell when someone is really looking me in the eye; they’ll see it and say something. Why? Because it’s creepy (there’s that word again). It looks like I’m possessed or something. He mentioned it because it’s a sign of some headaches. Did not know that. Will start to take notes and check my pupils when I get migraines.

Getting tired of distracting myself. It’s needed, I know. The weather outside is shitty, it remains dark enough that the common lights in the halls are on all day and night. Still feels like I should just take it easy, tho. Last night I felt very petulant, watching all those messages fly back and forth on WhatsApp. Why? Because no one thought to ask me how I was doing. It was my script, and important to me. That’s very child-like, I know. But the thought was there, as was the feeling. Not one of them asked me if I was okay. Not one.

Part of that, I know, is because I fake it so well. I’ve heard that through my entire life: you seem so strong, so self-assured, so okay with everything; we didn’t know you felt like that! That’s early schooling at the hands of bullies; never let your tormentors see you cry. But I also see it as a lack of empathy. It never even crossed your minds that I might be upset over all this? Not once? From any of you?

The walls are going up. They’d been coming down, but now… Now they’re getting reinforced. Remember the director has no morals regarding copyrights. Remember L is egotistical. Remember all of it. Keep yourself safe.

Keep yourself safe.