Yesterday provided me with two prime examples of ‘shit I put up with’ from my bro. These are small time things, but, that’s typical. My bro is sterling when it comes to big stuff and something akin to rusted iron when it comes to small stuff.
Incident 1: Thursday we ate light. He was headed to choir and we had some left overs to get thru. By around 7 in the evening, I was hungry. So I made a bean burrito (since we had fresh refried beans). Now, my bro told me he was going to make enchiladas. And generally, he makes those from small tortillas and not big tortillas. I took a big tortilla. Naturally, the next day, he complained: he planned to make two pans of enchiladas, one small tortilla and one large tortilla, and I had screwed up his plans by eating one of the large tortillas. I sat there for a moment, feeling the guilt I knew he wanted me to feel. Then I said: So…I screwed up your meals plans of which I knew nothing. He stopped with the direct blame at that point, but still griped about the situation. Also noted: he could have easily run downstairs to Dirk and bought another pack of large tortillas. He didn’t.
Incident 2: For whatever reason, my bro used half a paper towel and stuffed the other unused half in a the paper towel roll. I took that as a ‘use this; I only needed half a sheet’. Unfortunately for me, it was a ‘this is mine; don’t use it’. He’d ‘put it aside’ to use later on. I ask you: how the fuck am I supposed to know that? Again, I had shade thrown on me even tho I’m not a fucking mind reader and he never said shit to me about it.
Today brings incident 3. Those films we picked up at Media Markt: because of his schedule and viewing choices, we hadn’t seen all the films we bought. I checked the last 2 last night because we only have so long to return them. Sadly, the Nun stuttered and stopped about 20 minutes from the end. Apparently, that’s all my fault as well. My bro said he was leaving returning the DVD to me, he didn’t think they’d take it back, and his tone suggested that it was my fault for not viewing all the DVDs earlier.
I am all too well aware of my habit of surrounding myself with narcissists. I was raised in a family run by a narcissist. And I’m aware of the control issues my brother faces, and his autism problem. But I must say, these small incidents trigger my issues with controlling narcissists. I do not feel at fault, yet my brother’s tone of voice and harping continues (at least, to me) to be blaming me. Does not help that I continually felt the scapegoat of the family. My coolly voiced statement yesterday was the best thing I ever did to combat that, but honestly I’m not capable of it each and every fucking time this happens! And no, I don’t want to bring it up casually at some point when it’s not happening to discuss it. Tried that; horrible results. You see, my bro is never wrong. Ever. In his mind, he can twist anything and everything to be external. I recognize that as part of his issue. But I’ve also been the person who’s dealt with it on a daily basis for decades now. And I got my own issues to deal with.
Heading off to do his bidding and see if I can wrangle a new copy out of the store. Yuck. Gotta admit, I don’t want to go out.
So. Here it is: It ain’t my fault. I’ll return the DVD the day after I tried to view it without going on a film bender in order to get thru everything in 24 hrs. I’ll do my usual tidy up in the house. I’ll recognize what’s going on without buying into it.
And I’ll do my best to NOT once again fall into harping at my bro over this…
Zen. Get out, get some fresh air. I still need cotton balls and can pick them up along the way. No reason to rush. My mac computer is still sitting all boxed up. I told him it’s too heavy for me to carry, and he made mention of taking it over to get fixed but so far, nadda. Truly, I can’t carry this thing. I’d hurt myself. So even tho I’m heading right near the fix it shop, I gotta just leave it there. Part of me would like to lug it in. Hurt myself as revenge for his shitty attitude towards me. See? If I’m so much to blame, I’ll fix it even if it kills me.
…Did not really expect that. It’s true, tho. That’s an ugly turd to uncover about myself. Guess I’ve always felt to blame, and always felt I’m the person who has to ‘clean things up’ or make amends no matter what. …And ‘turd’ is the correct noun. I’m a piece of shit. No matter how high I soar, I always come back to that. Not sure why I’m so shitty. Past lives? Bad decisions? Evil influence? Or is it simply, as all the do-gooders of the world would have me believe, my own thoughts that keep me trapped?
Why don’t I deserve kindness?
I’ll keep it in mind.