Morphine. Mark the day. I’ve avoided it as long as possible because there’s nowhere to go from here, other than more morphine.
Saw my GP this morning. She took me seriously (thank the Goddess; I’m too scarred from docs ignoring me for years). Wanted to know the pressure points – I guided her hand to them with my eyes closed. Far too familiar at this point. Had blood tests to check on a nerve infection. Results were negative, for which I’m thankful. I don’t know what the treatment might have been, but the normally passive face of my doctor was very concerned when she spoke of this possibility. Now I’ve another appointment Monday morning, to discuss the situation.
Pretty sure I’ll hear TMJ. Damn. Should have been a diagnostician. Could have rocked that career. Not sure what it will entail. Maybe a mouth guard. From what I’ve read, they think it’s due to people clenching their jaw while they sleep. The nerve eventually seizes up and the pain is unbearable.
What’s blowing me away is that this occurred at a moment of high success and excitement, not horrible devastating loss.
Does this mean I can’t take success?
I said it was tough to take the compliments. Being acknowledged as a role model. Admired. Loved. All of it.
Am I so screwed up that I can take every rejection and pain without blinking, but love me and I seize up?
Oh, dear Goddess.
I don’t want to accept that. But I can’t deny the possibility of it.
…And the morphine pills have a refill.
I am thankful for the pain relief. Still a dull roar in the side of my head, but I don’t have to hold it or pace in a crazed manner.
I am also thankful for the dull, grey day outside. I don’t think I’d like it if the world looked happy and gleeful when I feel like this. It’s a visual reminder to curl up and take care of myself. My brother is cooking easy to eat, healthy food. Can’t eat much, but at least what I do eat is very healthy. Don’t want to sit too long. I know what can happen to my back. But I’m fairly buzzed. Hoorah. I like buzzed, especially after days of pain. So, walk? Mm. Not today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have my morphine legs, and walking on the treadmill will be okay. Right now it seems too much.
Watching Downton Abbey. Beautiful fantasy.
Don’t know about school next week. We’ll see how I feel. Don’t know about later today; ditto on that.
This is moment to moment living.