Another life line: a bright rope of hope sent to me from L. She’s more than busy right now, resurrecting her last play for a few additional performances before Christmas. But she managed to fill in the interview Qs and send them to me, each answer as perfect as anyone could ever want them. I’ve now 3 actors and myself for the newsletter, enough to ‘pass’. For a while there I thought the newsletter would go out like this: interview with me as actor, BIG interview with me as writer, a bit of other stuff, small answers from the cast. Ugh. Now I can balance it out more.
Thank you, Universe. Last night the rain was lashing at the window. Really lashing; I just sat there listening to it for a minute, thinking about my umbrella that I had to throw away en route because it blew inside out and broke to pieces. I said: It would be great if this blew itself out overnight. Today, unscheduled by meteorology, is a sunny and bright day. So thanks! I didn’t really want to get wet.
Managed to get a shower in yesterday. Didn’t color my hair; we’ve another hot water hog down the line. It’s not as bad as it was, but I do have to check and make sure we’ve got warm water before I begin something like that. Using cold water to get hair dye out… Oh, I’ve done it. Like most things, when you get old enough you get to experience them sometime in life. It isn’t pleasant. Cold showers even less so.
Class today. Dutch is pretty much the furthest thing from my mind right now, but I’ll give it a go. Don’t want to miss 2 classes in a row.
Will put in time on the newsletter this week. Finish up my test final recordings. Work to learn my lines.
Notes: my left thumb still hurts like Hell. Problems picking things up and holding them. Sleep is odd. Somehow I manage to curl up and sweat my shirts thru. Then sometime later I wake up in a cold, wet shirt, freezing my proverbial ass off. Had another ice pick in my head last night as I was watching tv. Started at the right temple suddenly, just like it always does. The pain kept up for about an hour. I managed to eat more food yesterday; been slipping back into a small bowl of soup for the day and nothing else. Ate 3 times yesterday. Taking lots of paracetamol. Haven’t yet pulled out the oxycodone. But I’ve contemplated it.
Hoorah; my shrink appointment is this week. I can talk about it all. Headaches included.
Fix me. Fix me, fix me, fix me! I’m so tired of reacting this way. Even when I think I’ve got it under control, those damned headaches come at me. I do my best to get thru them, but… It’s not like I’m capable of much. All I can really do is hold my head and massage that point at my temple, hoping a bit of pressure on it might eventually ease it off. I’ve never vomited from these headaches. But light and sound hurt me, and I can’t do much. Probably time to get them documented as real migraines. Or cluster headaches. Whichever. Maybe I’ll even get a drug to help when they come on. Usually the best thing I can do is go to sleep and hope it solves itself.
…Ach. I’d hoped, really hoped, that a few meds might be just what I needed. That all I really lacked was a small edge on my emotions. I’m finding that’s not the case. Dr T is finding that’s not the case. A comment during our last appointment: Well, you obviously have issues… Sure I do! I’m bipolar I, depressive baseline, and 53. You can’t get there without gathering a few issues along the way. *sigh* Thought I’d been pretty honest with myself, facing my fears, but my continued physical problems point to something else. I’m just stuffing things. Either that, or I’m developing brain cancer or something. Can’t count out that possibility, can we? Happy thoughts, happy thoughts…
That pain at my temple… It’s still there. Very low key. But still there. Better close the drapes. Make sure I wear my sunglasses when I’m out there. Close the blinds in the classroom, even; it’s often too bright in there for my eyes. Pretty obvious I’m on that edge; the pain has been coming at me for days now.
Hm. Maybe I should break out the big pain pills…
Was reminded this morning of a meeting on Thursday evening in Den Haag that I’d like to attend. It’s a feminist meeting, an open discussion of the issues we’re facing today. My bro’s band practice is moved from Wednesday to Thursday, so he’s not home and I’m free to do whatever. Thinking it may be a good thing to do. Hook up with like minded people. T’s encouraging me to go. It’s even at a venue close to the train station and really easy to find. I’ve written it into my agenda.
Finding the more I concentrate on me, the less I think about everything else. Good medicine. So my thoughts are all about me: my reading, how I feel, should I do my cuticles again, etc. Nothing heavy in there. I’m purposefully emptying my head of all that crap attached to baggage. Let other people worry about other things; that’s not my job.
From here I’ll brush my teeth and hair. Get dressed. Gather up my books for class. Chill.
I silenced my phone last night, and I think I’ll keep it that way.
Tit for tat.