Tired

I hurt. From my exercises, from the humidity, from my RA… Goddess only knows. Probably a combination. Been surprised over how much my small amount of exercising has pushed my muscles and my breathing. Two flights of stairs and I’m panting and ready to sit down. Keep pushing it. I don’t want to push it. At all. But I am. I want to get stronger, and the only way to that is through all this bullshit.

Worst of it: left side, where my leg and my hip meet. That wakes me up at night with pain. I hate it.

Talked to T about next week. Maybe I asked at a bad time. Maybe he’s just frustrated by me. Don’t know. All I do know for sure is that he kind of barked at me and put the blame on me for scheduling my appointment during a band week. I told him the appointment was made 6 months in advance and I didn’t even have my pocket agenda at that point, but it made no difference. I felt like it was all my own fault so I should shut up and live with it. So next week, I’m gonna be on the edge of exhaustion. Unless, of course, my strength picks up over this week. But considering how I’m feeling right now, I really, really doubt it.

My system seems to be in overdrive. When I pee, I pee an ocean. Similar statement could be made for all sorts of things. Just use your imagination on that one. Needless to say, I’m not confident at the moment on going out or doing much. I think I need to be near a bathroom.

More spooky shit. This morning at 9 am, our fire alarm went off in our flat. This is a special thing that our landlord put in. We can’t even change the battery; it’s supposed to last until 2032. We had no smoke in the house. No reason for it to go off, but it did. Very loudly. DAMN! Well, I was wondering if I’d hear it over my sound generator. The answer is YES, I hear it quite well. Good to know. But I really didn’t have to be woken up like that today just to find that out.

The smoke alarm isn’t the only thing, either. For some odd reason, my pipe keeps loosening up. I tighten the joints all the effing time and the next moment when I pick it up, it’s loose again. The light in the closet is flickering, too. That’s the one where the light bulb gets unscrewed even tho it’s got a cover over the entire thing.

News. Yikes. Increased violence and problems. Increased problems with immigrants. That’s not to say I’m against immigration, I’m just noting it. Could be that Wilders’ cabinet has influenced our media to cover immigrants in a bad light. And hearing about one problem person doesn’t mean everyone is a problem. But I’m noticing more and more news stories that clearly state when someone is an immigrant. It’s sad, you know? I can’t imagine any of the immigrants we take in aren’t mentally damaged in some way or other. Even the guy two floors down who I had so many problems with probably had his own issues and problems that contributed to the entire fiasco. But being too loud or disruptive here means other people have shit inflicted on them, and that isn’t fair. I think it’s a real shame that we don’t force all immigrants to have mental health help. Take it as a given that people are damaged and need extra help. But we don’t enforce that until they prove that they should have that help, which means we all have to suffer through the outbreaks of crap they do, whether it’s noise late at night, yelling in the streets, or violent outbursts. Truthfully, it’s fair to no one. In the same vein, I’m seeing more and more articles about Joost Klein stating that he’s getting lots of gig offers. I’m chalking that up to right wing feelings growing all over the EU. And, of course, there’s the news that Wilders has actually formed a cabinet and is now moving in as the ruling parties. Ugh. Feeling concerned about that and all it may mean for us. And we have water problems. Either too much or not enough. A campground was evacuated due to flooding. And I’ve seen one or two boil notices in the east of the country.

I’m feeling too tired to tackle this world with all its problems. Wish I had more to give, but… I’m old now. Or older. I know I still don’t look it. Every once in a while I catch some man looking at me and smiling. Sometimes they even speak to me. From what I’ve learned (after many years and definitely the hard way), that means they find you attractive. And I can see it in my face. I don’t look my age. I don’t know how old most people think I am; that is just a total blank. But I can see how people think I’m younger than I am. I have something youthful about my face. A lack of worry lines? No frown permanently set in? I honestly don’t know. But even I can see I lack it.

Been thinking of getting a t-shirt that says ‘yes, I’m 58’. Or maybe I should put more grey into my hair. Don’t know. All I do know is that I don’t have the energy most people think I possess.

I be tired.

Long covid sucks

What you got? I got pain. Pain, pain, painpainpain. From what I can tell, it’s long covid muscle pain. Worst spot: the outsides of my thighs, right up near my hips. That’s what hurt me the most during my covid bouts and it’s never quite stopped since. Moving just aggravates it. It’s not sore muscles from exercise. That feels different. And it’s not my RA, although that’s a closer feeling to it than just overworking my muscles. But it hurts. All the effing time. It wakes me up at night and gives me problems rolling over in bed. It hurts me all day long whether or not I walk. And I’m still so effing breathless I’m thinking of asking someone to just make sure that I haven’t developed lung cancer along the way.

Still, I got up and walked. I’ll never get over it if I don’t, right?

T and I headed downtown yesterday to catch the latest Godzilla film at the cinema. It was the warmest day thus far in Rotterdam, and everybody was outside. No, that’s not an exaggeration. Unreal how busy it was! We popped in for a rice bowl beforehand at our fave place in Markt Hall. And surprisingly, the cinema was rather busy for the warmest Saturday of the year. Oh, yes. I am now the owner of yet another pair of 3d glasses. This is the 3rd pair I’m carrying. Ugh. The film was very enjoyable, even tho the music was awful (yet again! ). I brought along and once again used my cinema blanket. It’s a super light small thing that really doesn’t fully cover me up if I stretch out. Perfect for the cinema but not great for much of anything else. We popped into a 2nd hand shop and raided the DVD section, too. Came out with some much appreciated comedy. All in all, a great day out.

But DAMN! My hips hurt. I took effing paracetamol, too. Even stopped somewhere to buy more today while out on my walk because I’m effing taking it all the bloody time. All day, every day. And it doesn’t do much. I still hurt. Enough to do all this bitching, anyway.

At least all this non-sleeping BS has stopped. For now. I’m sure it’ll pop back up when I don’t want it.

No. Now all I want is to sleep. Sleep 10 hours every night and I’m still tired. Still wanting a nap.

Gotta pull it together. Have band on Wednesday and I know our guitarist will want to give these new songs a go. Ugh. And now it’s all about scheduling around T’s students, which is totally cool. We’re both happy with the sudden interest by loads of people. But it is a consideration. Between my pain and his students, I don’t know when I’ll get it it. I’d like to do a run through at least before Wednesday, but…. We’ll see.

Oh, I am so tired! And I really do hurt.

This sucks. Long covid sucks.

Someday

Okay, now I think I may have some water on my knee. The damned thing has felt like it was burning for several weeks now, and this morning as I changed out of my pjs I saw definite swelling around it. Couldn’t miss it. It’s not bad. Certainly not as bad as if you search out ‘water on the knee’ and look at the horror pictures online. But it’s there.

Took yesterday off because I was just so wiped out. Kept falling asleep all day. Slept for over 10 hours at night.

Today is cooler and far wetter than it has been. It’s one of those light rain days that if you step outside and walk a bit, you get wet but it isn’t because big raindrops are falling on you. No. It’s because a million small droplets invade your space no matter what you do.

Tried to stretch out my right shoulder last night. Did one of those stretches to gently pull the area. A stretch I’ve done millions of times and that has never once hurt me. Well, last night it did. It hurt like hell, as a matter of fact. I could barely stand it. So not only is that shoulder the LOUD one, it also is very, very stiff and painful. Not on the bones. No. For once, it’s not my RA (or so everyone keeps telling me). Another long covid thing? I really don’t know.

So T is telling me not to sweat it, but for the very first time in my life I’ve been cut down cold for a nothing job. It’s officially one week and downstairs hasn’t tried to reach me at all. ??? I didn’t know I should put in that blank spot that asked for ‘why you want to work with us’ a long missive talking about how wonderful the company is and how fun I think it will be to work in the bakery. I mean… They advertised this job as 2-10 hours a week. How much BS do they want before they’ll call me for an interview? Honestly, I didn’t think it was needed, especially in this job market. But it’s all I can think of as to why they haven’t contacted me.

Too bad. But I have several other supermarkets within easy walking distance as well as smaller shops. Someone must be looking for some help. Something I can do. I just have to find them.

Wishing I could recoup my strength faster. Went on a walk the other day and was all breathless again by the end. Didn’t push it or walk further than I normally do. I think I was still wiped out from our Amsterdam trip. Or that’s what I tell myself. I hope so. When just getting up and moving takes it out of me, it’s hard to continue. Really hard. Even at my most unhealthy I’d pick up some speed and strength by now. Instead I’m still struggling a lot.

T remains great. Supportive, telling me to keep going, not pushing. He said the other day he feels bad for hauling me around Amsterdam. I told him I went willingly, which I did, and I really enjoyed our day out. Yeah, it’s taken its toll on me, but that isn’t his fault.

Once again I’m on the edge of a weekend and hoping that by Monday I’ll be feeling better. This is really getting old hat. But I keep going, and I keep hoping. Someday I’ll really feel better.

Someday.

Not today

O-o-o-o-kay.

Whatever I thought exhaustion felt like, I was wrong. I am SO. effing. tired! OMG. Everything on my body feels heavy. Pain in: toes, feet, knees, hips, lower back, shoulders, hands, fingers. This is like twice as bad as I felt on Sunday after a big day in Amsterdam. Guess I overdid it yesterday. ‘Overdoing it’ consisted of dishes, making some coffee syrup, and an hour walking. Ugh.

And I was wrong about my upcoming appointment with my rheumatologist. It’s in the third week of May, so I’ve longer to get through than I want. Thought about giving her office a call and asking for something sooner due to my pain levels. Ugh. But then I thought about the pain that would be. How I’d have to run up there for my blood work and then see her and still maybe not get any relief. Besides: I really don’t know how much of this is my RA and how much is long covid. I seem to be suffering from both problems and I’m having a hard time telling the difference.

All I want is to sit and rest. I was gonna keep pushing myself. Get up and walk again today. Unless I get a second wind real soon, that plan is out the window. I have difficulty making it to the toilet these days. Every time I stand up I have to take several steps before I stop hitching my body from side to side just to move.

Still haven’t heard from downstairs yet. And would you believe, I’m kicking myself for not making more of an effort for a 2-10 hour a week job. It should be a matter of course that I get the flipping thing, right? Shortage of workers (still) here in NL. And like a job that may only offer 2 hours of work a week can make a lot of demands on their workers! Whatever. They’ll either call me in or not.

Been pushing water. Trying to make sure my system is running as clean as possible. And I know I shorted myself on water during our Amsterdam trip. Just didn’t take the time to drink, you know?

Don’t know what to say to my fysiotherapist. I hurt everywhere.

Really would enjoy a nap today but I don’t want to screw up my sleep patterns so I’ll try to stay awake. Not easy when I know I’m gonna be watching vids and chillin’.

I will get my strength back. I will. I’ll keep at it. Keep my walking up. Keep trying. Keep being more active.

Just not today.

Soon

Let’s go to Amsterdam.

Didn’t know if I was actually up to it, but I put on a smile and did my best to not complain too loudly. Can I say it? Finally. Finally T was feeling all the cobblestones and uneven pavements and stairs. Don’t get me wrong. I fell in love with Amsterdam and still love it. It’s a beautiful doll house city that no matter how often I go, I still love to walk the streets and canals and just look at everything. But it’s always been real hard on me. It’s not a city made for people with disabilities, and although I’m not technically disabled, I’ve always had problems. Due to the uneven pavements and cobblestones, my feet just hurt. Add in all the humps and bridges – some of which are at quite a high incline – and it just blew me away. We got up there around 1 pm and just started walking. Even with a smoke break and a meal break, I was wiped out by the time we caught a train back home around 5 pm. And all night long, every time I moved in bed, I woke up because I hurt.

The good news is I more than got in my walking yesterday. I even stayed on my feet much longer than I thought I would. So, hurrah! The fall out from it all… Well, let’s just say I’m not doing much today. And maybe not much tomorrow. I guess a lot will depend on how much pain I have at night.

And Amsterdam was crowded. Most of the time T and I head up there during the week, which automatically lessens the tourist factor. Yesterday we saw Amsterdam in March on a Saturday. Very busy. Very. Ach, and we had a deep disappointment, too. Since the first time we visited Amsterdam, we’ve had a favourite coffeeshop in the Jordan area. Yesterday we took the walk out there for a visit. It had been sold and is now nothing more than a counter where you can buy weed and a couple of shitty tables and chairs. It used to be cool, with artwork all over the walls and great coffee and food. We’d spent hours in there smoking and talking and chilling. It’s just so cold and ugly now. Totally just for money. We saw that more and more. Part of the city’s charm were the coffeeshops. All decorated to the hilt, with areas to sit and smoke and good drinks at a minimum. Now, more and more, it’s just a counter selling weed. So commercial. So capitalist. So not what’s cool.

*sigh* At least I got to see it in its heyday.

There really isn’t one place on me that doesn’t hurt. My hips are real bad. Realised that my appointment with my rheumatologist is coming up in about 4 weeks. Good. We’ve lots to talk about. In the past, I’ve always been an in and out patient. Walk in, tell her I’m fine, she checks my hands and feet, and then I’m out the door. This time I’ve lots to complain about. I’m concerned at this point that covid inflamed my joints so much I’ve got bursa. This is particularly a concern in my hip area. So we’ll check it out. Maybe it’s all muscle weakness from covid, but I still think I’ve got an element of RA going, too.

Soon I’ll hear from my dermatologist, too. We’ve a phone check in scheduled in a few weeks. I think I should just make an appointment to go in and see someone in person. If I stop using the ointment they gave me for just 5 days, my psoriasis is a problem. And once I have a problem, it takes weeks of treatment before it’s better.

Put in my application for a bakery job downstairs. Got a response saying I’ll probably hear from them by email within a week. Yea! I still maybe working very, very soon. That would be great. Can’t beat the commute.

Progress. Who knew it would take so much out me? Not me. I had this happy fantasy of being 30 something again, with enough oomph to just go. SO glad it’s Sunday and I don’t have to do anything. Don’t know how much I actually could do. That concerns me as far as a job goes. Yeah, it’s only for a couple of hours a day, but look how much a couple of hours in a day can take out of me! But I’ll keep on track. I’m going to get stronger again. I’ll be able to do a couple of hours no problem. Not now, certainly. But soon.

Stay positive

It’s really nice outside. Guess what’s goin’ on with me. Yep. I am exhausted and sore just about everywhere, it’s 2 pm and I still haven’t made it out of my pjs. T is supporting me chillin’ today. Band last night. I really hoped that my steady walking routine would help me not feel so damned stiff after band but it didn’t. I still had to haul myself up by the doorknob of the WC at rehearsal because I couldn’t stand up on my own and I am stiff today. And tired! Slept for 11 hours and I could have turned over and slept more. This is my RA. There’s no one place on my bod I can point to and say ‘that’s where it hurts’. It just kind of hurts all over. I’m stiff all over. I’m tired. Really tired.

Needless to say, I’m not putting in an application for that job downstairs. Not today. I’ll try tomorrow. Maybe another night of long sleep will get me over this.

Getting concerned about my RA. It’s been spinning out of control lately. Excessive stiffness and pain. High levels of exhaustion. Even my psoriasis isn’t any better. It’s not horrible at the moment, but I can’t stop using the ointment I’ve got for it or everything breaks out. It would be great to see my doc in May and have her say all I need is a cortisone shot. Not sure that’s what will happen. This isn’t an isolated spike in activity. It’s been a long, slow slog uphill.

Please don’t have any water on my knee. Please.

Oh, Goddess! The bones in my feet and hands hurt.

I am not getting out of my pjs today. Fuck it. As T said, it isn’t like the weather is getting better overall. We’ll have more sunny warm days ahead. *sigh* It does make me feel like a real invalid, tho. Always has when I’ve been sick during good weather.

At least I can enjoy the fresh air coming in through the windows. My application for the job downstairs will get in this week. And I’ll get the job. I’ll do well and make some money. My doc will figure out something more to do for me. I’ll shake off long covid and regain my strength.

Stay positive.

Maybe tomorrow

I am totally surprised. T was and still is sicker than I. Usually it’s the other way around. I’ve been waiting for me to really get it, for my nose to fill up and my cough to worsen. But no. My back sinuses still have problems, and my cough sounds loose and ugly, but I’m not gasping for air through a blocked off nose. Already I want T to cancel Wednesday’s band rehearsal. He shouldn’t go. He’s been sounding very bad since our last rehearsal and he’s still not recovered. Plus, I’m lazy. And I have another fysio at 8 am on the day, so I’m not looking forward to being up early and staying up late.

After 2 days of having to be up early for appointments and deliveries, I slept in today. And boy! I mean it. Did not get up until after 11 am, so I clocked in 12 hours. And I feel like I could go right back to bed. Hm. Maybe T isn’t the only one too ill to go to band rehearsal…

It is wet. Wet and windy. This is storm Babet. Saw pix of Ireland. Whoa! Lots of flooding over there. Which means their roads will be washed out and there will be no way out in some areas. I had to open the door for my deliveries yesterday and was surprised to see quite a bit of water standing just outside the door. T says it’s building up down on the ground floor, too. We actually had ‘downpours’ in the forecast. I’ve never seen that before. Showers, rain, even thunderstorms, but never before ‘downpours’. That’s new. And if we have standing water in Rotterdam, there are places in NL that have flooding. Absolutely. Even if I haven’t seen articles on it.

Wow. So how do you get the war in Ukraine off the front page? Start a war in Israel. Yeah, that’s a petty statement. But it’s true. We’ve had demonstrations supporting Palestine here R’dam. And Den Haag and Amsterdam and probably other, smaller cities.

Got in our last 2 Hellraiser films. These 2 went straight to DVD and supposedly were only made to keep the franchise in the hands of the filmmakers. The first was really bad. A new Pinhead who not only didn’t look like Pinhead, he didn’t sound anything like Pinhead. And it totally ignored the original rules of the game. The second one was better. Much better. A better Pinhead, a fun story, some good additions. I approve. I especially approve of the twist that includes the idea that heaven permits ‘evil’ to flourish so that humans cling to their god. About time I hear that one! In my opinion, it’s only logical.

Here goes another weekend down the drain. I don’t expect to be able to do much. Not when I’m still sleeping 12 hours at a stretch. Still not smoking, either. Dropped that as my symptoms worsened and I’ve not started again. Really want to, but coughing hurts my head so I’m trying to stay away for as long as possible.

Speaking of my head… Holy hell! I never once imagined that the vast majority of my head pain was due to my back, but the night after my fysiotherapist cracked me I didn’t have to take any paracetamol at all. And the night before I was clutching my head, wishing I could cut it off because it hurt so very much. Needless to say, I’m really looking forward to my next appointment. And once again I’m vowing to never let it go so long between appointments. Again.

Oh, I want to feel better! I want my head to stop hurting once and for all. I want my cough to go away, I want more energy to do more things. Lately all I can manage is to get up and get to my damned chair. Probably not taking more than 50 steps all day long. In other words, I am SO inert I’m afraid I’m growing roots right through the seat of my recliner.

First, get rid of whatever this is that’s making T and I ill. Then I’ll get to the rest. Like, a shower. I feel like I stink.

Ugh. Maybe tomorrow.

Not to sleep

Yikes!

M was running late yesterday, so my braids weren’t entirely loose by the time I left. She asked me to come back early today and she could finish up. My hair was one big snarl that really took a long time to pull through. My scalp still hurts, and I’ve been back for almost 2 hours now. She thought it was from the extensions, that they made my hair all the worse. The good news is that she absolutely couldn’t find any bald or balding spots and no one in the entire salon could find where my lost braid came from. Which is really weird, but okay. I was happy enough to hear I didn’t have a bad place or that I didn’t have to cut my hair.

But all of that meant I had to get back from band last night and basically go to sleep as fast as possible, because I had another alarm clock morning. Really don’t like alarm clock mornings. And I didn’t even get a full 8 hours, so I feel like I’m dragging my feet.

Speaking of feet, mine hurt so much. DAMN! My joints have that on fire feeling when I step down. Which is awful, because everything I have to do today I have to walk to. Yep. I still got my shrink appointment at 4. And my shrink is at one of those metro stops where I’ll have to walk quite a bit to get to his office.

Wishing I could take more paracetamol. But I just took some when I got home around noon, so it’s way too early to start popping more pills.

T was great yesterday, btw. I got home late, ’cause my hair was just such a mess. T had a warmed sandwich made for me, all ready. All I had to do was pee, wash my hands, and eat. He’d even packed up my keyboard for me. Which was great. I sucked down a couple of hits before we headed out.

And now I’ve nothing on after my shrink appointment. I can sleep in and wallow in my own pain. Which I may do. Between my scalp, my feet, and my hands, I’m not all that excited about doing anything.

But now I have to get up. T left the house on his own errands and I’m so tired that if I don’t get up out of my recliner I’m gonna fall asleep and miss my appointment. *sigh*

On to the other computer. To play, amuse, and keep myself bloody well awake.

Not to sleep.

Take more time

We’re in a total white out. Heavy fog this morning. It’s supposed to burn off this afternoon, but… We weren’t supposed to get rain all day yesterday, either, and that happened.

Haven’t got back to the gym at all this week. I went on Monday and just haven’t been able to get up and feel good enough to return. My RA is bad. Super stiff in my hands and hips and feet. T’s telling me I shouldn’t feel bad because I’ve been doing really well considering how bad this summer is. He tells me that even as he’s headed out to his gym to do a morning work-out while I sit on my ass not feeling up to anything other than a nap. And of course he’s losing weight faster than I. Gods, I am so jealous of that!

But I got thru band rehearsal. That was tough on me. My right wrist has been very bad. It’s got a point on it where, if I move my wrist just right, it hurts like hell. It hurts so much I haven’t even explored where that exact position is. I’m just trying to avoid moving my wrist at all. So hauling my keys around was a big challenge. Did it, tho, and didn’t even hurt myself doing it. I stood up, played and sang. Didn’t say much of anything. Just too tired, and I was doing my best to save my energy for playing.

Now it’s the weekend again and I find myself doing nothing other than watching Lost. If it isn’t my wrist, it’s my exhaustion. If it isn’t my exhaustion, it’s my hips. And on and on. This season has really sucked. I so hope autumn (our actual autumn this time) is easier on me.

Still enjoying my super clean bedroom. Wishing I could do the same out front. It needs it. But I don’t have it in me.

Picked up some more grapes and I REALLY hate to say this, but they’re the WORST grapes I’ve had all summer. Ugh. I was bit excited when I saw them because the grapes were larger and I thought ‘oh, good! someone actually gave the grapes water when they needed water!’ but that isn’t what happened. Nope. Someone fed the grapes water just before harvesting them so they bulked up with moisture. I can taste it. I can also faintly taste the last of the fertilizer on them. So more than 2 at a time leaves a really nasty taste in my mouth. I’ve never had a bunch of grapes sit around so long before. I’m just not eating them. I hate the idea of tossing them in the garbage. These days, I have to agree with T: food waste is a sin when so many people don’t have enough to eat. But I also can’t ask myself to eat shit because of it. And these grapes are shit. It would be wonderful if I found another bunch of super sweet grapes to end the summer on.

T and I noticed the trees are beginning to head into autumn. The leaves are turning yellow outside. We need a crisp few nights to really bring out the colour. And we’re gonna get it. Supposedly we’ll get up to 24 today. But it sure doesn’t feel like it’ll get that warm. It’s 11:30 and only 18 out there. And still really, really foggy.

Don’t know what this summer means for winter. Will we get cold? I mean, really cold. Freezing the canals solid cold. Snow on the ground cold. Usually our winters are very mild thanks to the ocean currents. But I don’t think we can keep counting on those currents. I think we’re at a tipping point. That our exceptionally cool summer (which, by the way, the gov’t here is trying to tell us was one of our warmest on record) is due to all the melted arctic ice that’s been dumped into the oceans. If I’m right, that means we’ll get much, much colder than what NL is used to. Lately. I can’t forget the world WAS colder. We’ve just been living in a warmer era.

Goddess, I don’t like extremes. Either way makes me hurt now. So thank you, very, very much, for keeping it cooler this summer. I didn’t have to go thru a serious heat wave. I appreciate that. And the rest…. Well, you know how I feel, so I won’t go into it. This is me trusting that all will work out for the best. Whatever that best is.

I don’t get why I have to suffer my RA this lifetime, tho. I could have dodged that bullet genetically. But again, maybe it was the best of all the options, eh? I don’t have any sign of colon cancer, and I know C would have had problems by this point in her life. I don’t have diabetes like dad, or heart issues. I didn’t get brain cancer like my oldest bro. I didn’t allow myself to become obese like my sis. I guess of all the outcomes for me, maybe RA was the best option. The one of least pain and problems. Do I say thank you for that? I’m sorry, but I’m just not up to THAT.

That, dear Goddess, will take more time.

Don’t borrow worry

At every turn, exhaustion. This is the third day I’ve woken up and thought that I really could go back to bed for another 8 hours before I’m done with my coffee.

My thumbs hurt. My wrists are tender. My hands feel stiff. And my knees are hurting. My feet. My bones.

Goddess, I am SO tired!

Doing absolutely nothing because tonight is band rehearsal. Ugh. It’s cold outside and raining and I’ll have to go out in that and haul my keys around. T has already volunteered to take it all on himself, but like I’d do that when I can still move! It’s when I can’t move that I let T take on so much. I mean, he’s not that young anymore and he’s already carrying his bass and a music stand and other stuff. So it’s got to be beyond just hurting and into not being able to move.

Right now I’m just at the ‘this is an inconvenience and I’m bitching a lot for not much pain’ point. I also know I’m at a level where I can easily hurt myself. Ugh. What I’m really hoping is that I’ll be able to stay awake on the metro coming home and not sleep through my stop.

And yeah, I hung out in my pjs yesterday and didn’t do anything then, either. It’s been a really, really hard summer for me. Wishing I could do more, but T is right; I’m doing more than enough for my condition.

I really hope autumn is easier on me. Usually it is, but if we continue with this extreme humidity all the time I’ll just ache. My next appointment with my rheumatologist is in November, I think. That’s several months down a bumpy road for me. And what are our options? More methotrexate. Gods I’ll take it if I have to, but I’ll never be happy about it.

Well, don’t borrow worry. You’ve got enough as it is.