Sick

Fighting something. I’m guessing it’s a sinus infection. Everything on my head hurts. Everything. Woke up in pain. Pain in my head, pain in my hips, pain. Down for the count and not going to band tomorrow.

The weather here has warmed up and I’ve been heading out with just a hoodie. Ran into my kitty friend yesterday. We hadn’t seen each other for several weeks. She meowed three times at me: to say hello, to ask for more attention, and to dismiss me when she was done with me. One of those mostly silent cats; got her to purr like mad but you couldn’t hear it. She just vibrated all over. Think she kept me down on the pavement for at least 20 minutes. Maybe even 30. We rubbed our heads and kissed and loved each up. It was great.

T is making me green chicken soup for whatever this illness is. Honestly I’m so tired at this point! Was up at 7 am ’cause I just couldn’t stand to lay in bed any longer. Ugh. I want my head to stop hurting. I was to get some real sleep.

T had to find a new email carrier that could handle our stuff. He sent me the link for mine and I went through the messages. Lo and behold, my brother D sent me a message. A very, very short message. He said ‘Hey sister, are you still alive? You nephew is 40 and your great nephew is 16.’ That’s it. Nothing of note. I’m not gonna answer him. I read his BS online. He’s a very hateful person and he’s raised a neo-Nazi. Guessing my great nephew may end up a serial killer. All that hate, all those guns, all that righteousness. And all that purposeful stupidity. Weird that he sent it. No reason for it. But that’s him: he sends out a two or three sentence message once every 15 or so years and expects an answer. Tempted to write back and tell him I died. Just so he’d leave me alone. But I’m guessing he’s feeling nervous about war breaking out and he wants to make sure that his grandson has an out, which would be me. When it was just my nephew, he asked if he could send him to me if the draft was reinstated. So that’s probably the reason. My brother is perfectly happy to bitch and complain about the US but he’ll never, ever fight for it. No. Fighting for it is other people’s job, not his nor his progeny. Not sure if I’d give my great nephew a place. On one hand, I think he should go back and fight for everything his father and grandfather scream and bitch about. On the other hand, I know how often kids are nothing like their parents. My great nephew may be a tree hugger. I’d like to figure out if he’s got a brain or not before I reject him outright.

Oh, I’m gonna close my eyes and try to doze a bit.

Hope we caught this early enough that I won’t be sick for long.

Long covid sucks

What you got? I got pain. Pain, pain, painpainpain. From what I can tell, it’s long covid muscle pain. Worst spot: the outsides of my thighs, right up near my hips. That’s what hurt me the most during my covid bouts and it’s never quite stopped since. Moving just aggravates it. It’s not sore muscles from exercise. That feels different. And it’s not my RA, although that’s a closer feeling to it than just overworking my muscles. But it hurts. All the effing time. It wakes me up at night and gives me problems rolling over in bed. It hurts me all day long whether or not I walk. And I’m still so effing breathless I’m thinking of asking someone to just make sure that I haven’t developed lung cancer along the way.

Still, I got up and walked. I’ll never get over it if I don’t, right?

T and I headed downtown yesterday to catch the latest Godzilla film at the cinema. It was the warmest day thus far in Rotterdam, and everybody was outside. No, that’s not an exaggeration. Unreal how busy it was! We popped in for a rice bowl beforehand at our fave place in Markt Hall. And surprisingly, the cinema was rather busy for the warmest Saturday of the year. Oh, yes. I am now the owner of yet another pair of 3d glasses. This is the 3rd pair I’m carrying. Ugh. The film was very enjoyable, even tho the music was awful (yet again! ). I brought along and once again used my cinema blanket. It’s a super light small thing that really doesn’t fully cover me up if I stretch out. Perfect for the cinema but not great for much of anything else. We popped into a 2nd hand shop and raided the DVD section, too. Came out with some much appreciated comedy. All in all, a great day out.

But DAMN! My hips hurt. I took effing paracetamol, too. Even stopped somewhere to buy more today while out on my walk because I’m effing taking it all the bloody time. All day, every day. And it doesn’t do much. I still hurt. Enough to do all this bitching, anyway.

At least all this non-sleeping BS has stopped. For now. I’m sure it’ll pop back up when I don’t want it.

No. Now all I want is to sleep. Sleep 10 hours every night and I’m still tired. Still wanting a nap.

Gotta pull it together. Have band on Wednesday and I know our guitarist will want to give these new songs a go. Ugh. And now it’s all about scheduling around T’s students, which is totally cool. We’re both happy with the sudden interest by loads of people. But it is a consideration. Between my pain and his students, I don’t know when I’ll get it it. I’d like to do a run through at least before Wednesday, but…. We’ll see.

Oh, I am so tired! And I really do hurt.

This sucks. Long covid sucks.

Someday

Okay, now I think I may have some water on my knee. The damned thing has felt like it was burning for several weeks now, and this morning as I changed out of my pjs I saw definite swelling around it. Couldn’t miss it. It’s not bad. Certainly not as bad as if you search out ‘water on the knee’ and look at the horror pictures online. But it’s there.

Took yesterday off because I was just so wiped out. Kept falling asleep all day. Slept for over 10 hours at night.

Today is cooler and far wetter than it has been. It’s one of those light rain days that if you step outside and walk a bit, you get wet but it isn’t because big raindrops are falling on you. No. It’s because a million small droplets invade your space no matter what you do.

Tried to stretch out my right shoulder last night. Did one of those stretches to gently pull the area. A stretch I’ve done millions of times and that has never once hurt me. Well, last night it did. It hurt like hell, as a matter of fact. I could barely stand it. So not only is that shoulder the LOUD one, it also is very, very stiff and painful. Not on the bones. No. For once, it’s not my RA (or so everyone keeps telling me). Another long covid thing? I really don’t know.

So T is telling me not to sweat it, but for the very first time in my life I’ve been cut down cold for a nothing job. It’s officially one week and downstairs hasn’t tried to reach me at all. ??? I didn’t know I should put in that blank spot that asked for ‘why you want to work with us’ a long missive talking about how wonderful the company is and how fun I think it will be to work in the bakery. I mean… They advertised this job as 2-10 hours a week. How much BS do they want before they’ll call me for an interview? Honestly, I didn’t think it was needed, especially in this job market. But it’s all I can think of as to why they haven’t contacted me.

Too bad. But I have several other supermarkets within easy walking distance as well as smaller shops. Someone must be looking for some help. Something I can do. I just have to find them.

Wishing I could recoup my strength faster. Went on a walk the other day and was all breathless again by the end. Didn’t push it or walk further than I normally do. I think I was still wiped out from our Amsterdam trip. Or that’s what I tell myself. I hope so. When just getting up and moving takes it out of me, it’s hard to continue. Really hard. Even at my most unhealthy I’d pick up some speed and strength by now. Instead I’m still struggling a lot.

T remains great. Supportive, telling me to keep going, not pushing. He said the other day he feels bad for hauling me around Amsterdam. I told him I went willingly, which I did, and I really enjoyed our day out. Yeah, it’s taken its toll on me, but that isn’t his fault.

Once again I’m on the edge of a weekend and hoping that by Monday I’ll be feeling better. This is really getting old hat. But I keep going, and I keep hoping. Someday I’ll really feel better.

Someday.

Hang out and chill

Well, I’ve stumped my fysiotherapist. The stiffness I feel around my tailbone during band rehearsal is a big question mark. He doesn’t know why I feel so bad but he’s given me a few suggestions to deal with it. I’m blaming long covid.

Coming back, I passed a hipster dude who was riding a motorized scooter down a walking path. I shook my head at him and just said ‘not cool, mr hipster dude’. He stopped the scooter and screamed at me, telling me he’d take my head off. Really no idea WTF. I didn’t scream at him and the worst thing I did was call him a hipster [and honestly, if he wasn’t a hipster, he shouldn’t wear his beard in that fashion because it screamed hipster]. And he was probably 20-30 years younger than me. I half expected a physical confrontation because it was so bad and so just out of the blue. I flipped him off and kept walking. Fuck him and his fucking scooter. Rotterdam has shit loads of actual bike paths all laid out in red pavement so they’re easy to see. A lot of walkers use them because they’re convenient and flat, but I take the long way around and always use the pavement. But motorized fucking scooters do not belong on bike paths, much less walking paths. I hope he fucking falls and breaks every fucking bone in his shit hole body. I hope someone else ‘takes his head off’ like he threatened me.

Now. Ask me if I feel comfortable going out around my flat today. Answer: no, I do not. At all.

Took my mood pills and figure I’ll just stay inside until the last of that anger/fear reaction goes away. You know…. I don’t want anything to happen. I’ve told myself over and over that if something does happen, I should just let it happen. Not fight back. Take the hits and file a police report. But I don’t know that that’s the way it’ll go down. I’ve never been one to curl up and just take it. Even when my ex hit me, I didn’t just curl up. I hit back. I screamed. I fought. So I’ve always got a bit of worry that I’ll automatically fight back and actually hurt someone. Yes, I have that concern even at my age and even when the people confronting me are decades younger than I am. I don’t fuck around in cases like that. I go for the the eyes, the throat, the groin. I aim to hurt. So I’m worried that something will happen and I will end up hurting someone and that will affect (negatively) my residency. And negatively affecting my residency is my only concern. Maybe if I were a better person I’d actually worry about whoever I had to fight. But I’m not. If I get into it with a shithole, they deserve whatever they walk away with.

Grrr. Obviously my anger is still up.

I think I’ll put on some comedy to help shake me out of this. It won’t hit our high of 17C ’til later this afternoon. Time to hang out and chill.

Not today

O-o-o-o-kay.

Whatever I thought exhaustion felt like, I was wrong. I am SO. effing. tired! OMG. Everything on my body feels heavy. Pain in: toes, feet, knees, hips, lower back, shoulders, hands, fingers. This is like twice as bad as I felt on Sunday after a big day in Amsterdam. Guess I overdid it yesterday. ‘Overdoing it’ consisted of dishes, making some coffee syrup, and an hour walking. Ugh.

And I was wrong about my upcoming appointment with my rheumatologist. It’s in the third week of May, so I’ve longer to get through than I want. Thought about giving her office a call and asking for something sooner due to my pain levels. Ugh. But then I thought about the pain that would be. How I’d have to run up there for my blood work and then see her and still maybe not get any relief. Besides: I really don’t know how much of this is my RA and how much is long covid. I seem to be suffering from both problems and I’m having a hard time telling the difference.

All I want is to sit and rest. I was gonna keep pushing myself. Get up and walk again today. Unless I get a second wind real soon, that plan is out the window. I have difficulty making it to the toilet these days. Every time I stand up I have to take several steps before I stop hitching my body from side to side just to move.

Still haven’t heard from downstairs yet. And would you believe, I’m kicking myself for not making more of an effort for a 2-10 hour a week job. It should be a matter of course that I get the flipping thing, right? Shortage of workers (still) here in NL. And like a job that may only offer 2 hours of work a week can make a lot of demands on their workers! Whatever. They’ll either call me in or not.

Been pushing water. Trying to make sure my system is running as clean as possible. And I know I shorted myself on water during our Amsterdam trip. Just didn’t take the time to drink, you know?

Don’t know what to say to my fysiotherapist. I hurt everywhere.

Really would enjoy a nap today but I don’t want to screw up my sleep patterns so I’ll try to stay awake. Not easy when I know I’m gonna be watching vids and chillin’.

I will get my strength back. I will. I’ll keep at it. Keep my walking up. Keep trying. Keep being more active.

Just not today.

Soon

Let’s go to Amsterdam.

Didn’t know if I was actually up to it, but I put on a smile and did my best to not complain too loudly. Can I say it? Finally. Finally T was feeling all the cobblestones and uneven pavements and stairs. Don’t get me wrong. I fell in love with Amsterdam and still love it. It’s a beautiful doll house city that no matter how often I go, I still love to walk the streets and canals and just look at everything. But it’s always been real hard on me. It’s not a city made for people with disabilities, and although I’m not technically disabled, I’ve always had problems. Due to the uneven pavements and cobblestones, my feet just hurt. Add in all the humps and bridges – some of which are at quite a high incline – and it just blew me away. We got up there around 1 pm and just started walking. Even with a smoke break and a meal break, I was wiped out by the time we caught a train back home around 5 pm. And all night long, every time I moved in bed, I woke up because I hurt.

The good news is I more than got in my walking yesterday. I even stayed on my feet much longer than I thought I would. So, hurrah! The fall out from it all… Well, let’s just say I’m not doing much today. And maybe not much tomorrow. I guess a lot will depend on how much pain I have at night.

And Amsterdam was crowded. Most of the time T and I head up there during the week, which automatically lessens the tourist factor. Yesterday we saw Amsterdam in March on a Saturday. Very busy. Very. Ach, and we had a deep disappointment, too. Since the first time we visited Amsterdam, we’ve had a favourite coffeeshop in the Jordan area. Yesterday we took the walk out there for a visit. It had been sold and is now nothing more than a counter where you can buy weed and a couple of shitty tables and chairs. It used to be cool, with artwork all over the walls and great coffee and food. We’d spent hours in there smoking and talking and chilling. It’s just so cold and ugly now. Totally just for money. We saw that more and more. Part of the city’s charm were the coffeeshops. All decorated to the hilt, with areas to sit and smoke and good drinks at a minimum. Now, more and more, it’s just a counter selling weed. So commercial. So capitalist. So not what’s cool.

*sigh* At least I got to see it in its heyday.

There really isn’t one place on me that doesn’t hurt. My hips are real bad. Realised that my appointment with my rheumatologist is coming up in about 4 weeks. Good. We’ve lots to talk about. In the past, I’ve always been an in and out patient. Walk in, tell her I’m fine, she checks my hands and feet, and then I’m out the door. This time I’ve lots to complain about. I’m concerned at this point that covid inflamed my joints so much I’ve got bursa. This is particularly a concern in my hip area. So we’ll check it out. Maybe it’s all muscle weakness from covid, but I still think I’ve got an element of RA going, too.

Soon I’ll hear from my dermatologist, too. We’ve a phone check in scheduled in a few weeks. I think I should just make an appointment to go in and see someone in person. If I stop using the ointment they gave me for just 5 days, my psoriasis is a problem. And once I have a problem, it takes weeks of treatment before it’s better.

Put in my application for a bakery job downstairs. Got a response saying I’ll probably hear from them by email within a week. Yea! I still maybe working very, very soon. That would be great. Can’t beat the commute.

Progress. Who knew it would take so much out me? Not me. I had this happy fantasy of being 30 something again, with enough oomph to just go. SO glad it’s Sunday and I don’t have to do anything. Don’t know how much I actually could do. That concerns me as far as a job goes. Yeah, it’s only for a couple of hours a day, but look how much a couple of hours in a day can take out of me! But I’ll keep on track. I’m going to get stronger again. I’ll be able to do a couple of hours no problem. Not now, certainly. But soon.

Sombre

My uncle is dead. Got the email this morning from my aunt. She mentioned she’d love to hug me in person. I’d love that, too. But I can’t imagine putting myself through that long plane ride these days. If the plane didn’t fall apart, and if I actually managed to avoid all the illnesses I’d be exposed to, I’d still have my back and arthritis problems. Plus the stress of going back, finding a place to stay, dealing with other family members who’d probably push in on my visit and insist on seeing me… No. Too much. WAY too much.

Or maybe I’m just gutless. Or maybe I don’t care enough to put myself through all of that.

Got some concerns, too, about my cousins. The youngest I’m not really worried about. He was the one who pulled himself up and made a life. But the older cousin… Alcoholic. Drug addict. ADHD. Depression. He’s not had contact with his father for a couple of years now. I’m not sure that anyone has heard from him. This could be very bad for him.

Gods. I just know that feeling so well. I don’t ever look forward to going through it again. I really hope I die before T. Of course, that means I make him go through it and I’m not really okay with that, either. Best would be if we both go at the same time. But unless we’re involved in some disaster, that’s not likely to happen.

Me: Well, once again my fysiotherapist worked his magic. I’m not pain free, but I can get up and sit down and walk much, MUCH easier. My bones hurt. I can feel it in my wrists today. Not a huge surprise. The weather here has been windy and wet for weeks. Never good for my condition.

… I have nothing else. It’s too sombre a time.

Something

Oh, the plans I had for today! I was gonna get up, work on my cover letter, submit my CV to a couple of jobs I found yesterday online. Actually, I spent about 2 hours talking to myself, telling myself I could do this, making plans and assuring myself everything was A-okay. Then I got up this morning. Or tried to. I have immense back pain again. Why? Damned if I know. I was just getting up out of my chair and BOOM! My back went out. Same old pain on the right side. Went off and immediately did my exercises to loosen that area. Got a big clunk out of my back, too. Thought: that was it; it should get better now. But it isn’t. I was so stiff getting out of bed this morning that I almost didn’t make it to the toilet before I peed.

T has his worried face on every time I try to move.

Bad news. Heard from aunt L that my uncle D is in hospital with heart problems. He’s in and out of consciousness. I’m not surprised. He told me he was in assisted living and ever since he sent me that money I’ve known he’s been expecting to die sometime soon, even tho he claimed he was fine. Yeah. My grandfather claimed he was perfect right up to the moment he slipped into his death coma. Apparently my other uncle is also suffering heart issues in hospital. I don’t hear much from him or that part of the fam. Aunt L filled me in on everyone’s health issues. Heart problems, kidney problems, infections, blah, blah. I realised a long time ago my family’s health was really, really bad. None of this is a surprise. Frankly, I’ve just been waiting to hear it.

I never know if I’ll see one of my relatives post death or not. Not until it happens. I’ve been surprised by some of the after death visits I’ve had. My parents didn’t surprise me; they weighed heavily on my mind. But my grandfather was a total surprise, particularly since I didn’t see him until he’d been dead for 2 years. And my great uncle was a total surprise, too. I didn’t know I had that connection with him.

Should I be more upset? Is it weird that I don’t feel more? I have fond memories of my uncle D. Been thinking on those. They’re good memories; he’s a good guy. But I’m not saddened to hear this news. I know he’s been in pain for years. Death is…inevitable. The question becomes: how will you handle it? Because you’ll have to. I don’t mean to sound flippant. The first big death I had to deal with was my mother, and it was terrible on many levels. My father was even worse, because we were so close. It’s harder to lose someone than it is to die yourself, I think. A big part of the mourning process is the thought of our future lack of that person. How much we’ll miss them. How a big a hole they’ll leave in our lives. I guess I just answered my questions. While I care for uncle D, his death will not create a big hole in my life. We only have sporadic email contact, at best. I mourned more when I left the states and said goodbye to some of my favourite places. That doesn’t seem like it sounds too good, but it’s true so I’ll leave it there.

Tomorrow I get my back worked on. I guess we’ll have to address my side pain. I also had my shoulder lock up twice during this week, so I’ve still got my upper back problems. But the lower back pain is worse right now and it affects me more. So it wins the attention.

This is NOT making me feel confident. To get a job, I mean. WTF if this happens to me while working? I’m having problems moving and walking. I’d be very hard pressed to go to a job like this. I’m hard pressed to get to the toilet right now.

At least I’m off the heavy duty pain pills. Just paracetamol these days.

That’s something.

Ugh

Ugh.

Saw my huisarts. Once again, the diagnosis is that the pain I feel is all muscular, not my RA. Oh, she agrees that I probably have some pinch in my upper back that’s causing it, but that’s as far as it goes. SO glad the temp doc gave me an open script for the pain relief pills. I’d like to get off them, but not until it’s been worked on and the pain is actually receding. Went straight from my appointment down to the fysio dept and asked for an appointment. Tomorrow at 8am. And we’ll work on it again. Still. I’ve asked him to work on that area for 2 months, but apparently that doesn’t count. So we’ll do it all over and hope I get some relief. If not, it’s back to the docs for something other than platitudes and a put-off.

My teeth are super duper. No problems, no issues, no cavities lurking between my molars. At least there’s that.

High winds again. One winter storm whizzed by and now we’re being hit by another. At least it got warmer. Temps are pretty steady around 10C. Yea! The snow and ice are all gone. But wind chill is staying in single digits, so I still wrap up when I head outside.

Everybody sounds SICK. Yeesh! And everyone has forgotten how to properly cover their coughs. All I hear on metro trips are coughing and sniffing and sneezing. It’s awful. But we’ve got covid and the flu and some other respiratory problems going around. Very little discussion on that, just an occasional news story. You can sure hear it, though.

Seems once again the US is getting ready for a terrible re-match. Trump vs Biden. Still haven’t heard from my uncle on the matter, so I’m guessing he’s leaning towards that ultra right dictator again and doesn’t want to upset me. How can anyone trust the US when you’re apt to flip around like this? If 45 gets in all hell will break loose. He’ll pull out of everything. NATO and supporting Ukraine and everything. Goddess! It’s like having a cheating spouse. You know they’re gonna do it again since they’ve done it in the past. Sadly, it seems like the EU is as addicted to the US as anyone. We’ll go through all the upset and problems and we’ll threaten all sorts of shit that we won’t follow thru on.

Of course, it isn’t like NL can crow about anything. Rutte is still defacto PM. Wilders can’t get a coalition together because everyone hates him. So we may face another election to try and sort stuff out.

And then there’s the UK. We’ve recorded old news satire shows and have a good laugh at watching them. Oh, the Boris years! They didn’t know how good they had it. You can actually see this slow motion death of the UK as Truss gets in. From what I’ve seen, the UK sucks right now. They won’t let in any asylum seekers but they also won’t do all those jobs that asylum seekers do, so they’re in a right pickle. I sure don’t want to go there.

Got thru Smallville. Fun series. Particularly after they get rid of Lana Lang. Goddess! Talk about someone I was disappointed to see show up again and again and again! The stereotypical damsel in distress. They sure made Clark a meat-head. Not very bright, is he? Then again, I thought they wrote Lex really stupid, too. He gets attacked over and over but he doesn’t get smart enough to have body guards in the room with him? I think he gets shot 3 times before it even occurs to him to get more protection. That’s pretty damned stupid as well. The smartest characters were all the women. And they sure enable their men to be as stupid as they are.

Saw season 3 of Picard. I sure hope this means we’ll be seeing another show with Captain Seven. I’m all for it.

I guess the most positive thing I can say is that I’m getting some walking in. Not much, but enough that I might get back to the gym to really start up. I charged my iPod. I’ve just been wanting to get off the damned pain pills before I go gung-ho. But I don’t know when that will happen. Or even IF it will happen. Oh, it should. But I don’t have much faith it will. When 2 days of no pain and no aches were eye-opening, I’ve already had too much pain. But I didn’t go to the docs right away, so now I have to suffer through all this bullshit.

Ugh.

Nothing is truly wasted

Made it about 12 hours past my last pain pill before on came the PAIN and I couldn’t take it no more. Honestly, I expected to be good. To feel no pain. I was at about 2 weeks of my pain pills and really believed that would be enough for even stressed muscles. But no. My shoulder started to pop and snap and the pain just kept creeping up and up. And then, of course, it just ached and gave me problems because it was allowed to get bad again. I still think I’ve got inflammation. That’s why my shoulder makes so much noise. But I can’t find precisely where it is. Neither can my doc. Yet. Wondering at the this point if it’s between some ribs near my shoulder. All I can do is talk on Tuesday and tell my doc about it. At least I’ll be back to my regular doc, so I hope we can solve this soon. I can’t tell where or what it is, only that it hurts like a mofo without anything and paracetamol doesn’t touch it.

Still cold. And icy. Neither T nor I want to leave the house. With luck, our snow/ice precipitation is done with. Hoping we see solid above zero temps in a few days, too.

For a few days I dragged around that idea that I’d wasted my life. That was uncomfortable. I’d be lying if I said T’s comment to me didn’t bug me. It did. It still does, a bit. But I reminded myself of something. He wouldn’t be here without me. Twenty years ago he begged me to get him to Europe to live. And I managed it. Badly, in my opinion. But I managed it. Even carted his huge comic book collection from the US to Canada to Ireland to NL. Without me, T would still be in the states. And probably dead. He didn’t take care of himself at all. Even if he can’t admit it or put it into words, I’ve helped him and made his life better in many ways. So I’m gonna let all that angst go. Not easy. At all. I’d like some verbal acknowledgement. Who wouldn’t? But the truth is staring me right in the face. Deeds really DO speak louder than words. And if I’m wrong about everything…my life still wasn’t wasted.

Nothing is truly wasted.