Tired

I hurt. From my exercises, from the humidity, from my RA… Goddess only knows. Probably a combination. Been surprised over how much my small amount of exercising has pushed my muscles and my breathing. Two flights of stairs and I’m panting and ready to sit down. Keep pushing it. I don’t want to push it. At all. But I am. I want to get stronger, and the only way to that is through all this bullshit.

Worst of it: left side, where my leg and my hip meet. That wakes me up at night with pain. I hate it.

Talked to T about next week. Maybe I asked at a bad time. Maybe he’s just frustrated by me. Don’t know. All I do know for sure is that he kind of barked at me and put the blame on me for scheduling my appointment during a band week. I told him the appointment was made 6 months in advance and I didn’t even have my pocket agenda at that point, but it made no difference. I felt like it was all my own fault so I should shut up and live with it. So next week, I’m gonna be on the edge of exhaustion. Unless, of course, my strength picks up over this week. But considering how I’m feeling right now, I really, really doubt it.

My system seems to be in overdrive. When I pee, I pee an ocean. Similar statement could be made for all sorts of things. Just use your imagination on that one. Needless to say, I’m not confident at the moment on going out or doing much. I think I need to be near a bathroom.

More spooky shit. This morning at 9 am, our fire alarm went off in our flat. This is a special thing that our landlord put in. We can’t even change the battery; it’s supposed to last until 2032. We had no smoke in the house. No reason for it to go off, but it did. Very loudly. DAMN! Well, I was wondering if I’d hear it over my sound generator. The answer is YES, I hear it quite well. Good to know. But I really didn’t have to be woken up like that today just to find that out.

The smoke alarm isn’t the only thing, either. For some odd reason, my pipe keeps loosening up. I tighten the joints all the effing time and the next moment when I pick it up, it’s loose again. The light in the closet is flickering, too. That’s the one where the light bulb gets unscrewed even tho it’s got a cover over the entire thing.

News. Yikes. Increased violence and problems. Increased problems with immigrants. That’s not to say I’m against immigration, I’m just noting it. Could be that Wilders’ cabinet has influenced our media to cover immigrants in a bad light. And hearing about one problem person doesn’t mean everyone is a problem. But I’m noticing more and more news stories that clearly state when someone is an immigrant. It’s sad, you know? I can’t imagine any of the immigrants we take in aren’t mentally damaged in some way or other. Even the guy two floors down who I had so many problems with probably had his own issues and problems that contributed to the entire fiasco. But being too loud or disruptive here means other people have shit inflicted on them, and that isn’t fair. I think it’s a real shame that we don’t force all immigrants to have mental health help. Take it as a given that people are damaged and need extra help. But we don’t enforce that until they prove that they should have that help, which means we all have to suffer through the outbreaks of crap they do, whether it’s noise late at night, yelling in the streets, or violent outbursts. Truthfully, it’s fair to no one. In the same vein, I’m seeing more and more articles about Joost Klein stating that he’s getting lots of gig offers. I’m chalking that up to right wing feelings growing all over the EU. And, of course, there’s the news that Wilders has actually formed a cabinet and is now moving in as the ruling parties. Ugh. Feeling concerned about that and all it may mean for us. And we have water problems. Either too much or not enough. A campground was evacuated due to flooding. And I’ve seen one or two boil notices in the east of the country.

I’m feeling too tired to tackle this world with all its problems. Wish I had more to give, but… I’m old now. Or older. I know I still don’t look it. Every once in a while I catch some man looking at me and smiling. Sometimes they even speak to me. From what I’ve learned (after many years and definitely the hard way), that means they find you attractive. And I can see it in my face. I don’t look my age. I don’t know how old most people think I am; that is just a total blank. But I can see how people think I’m younger than I am. I have something youthful about my face. A lack of worry lines? No frown permanently set in? I honestly don’t know. But even I can see I lack it.

Been thinking of getting a t-shirt that says ‘yes, I’m 58’. Or maybe I should put more grey into my hair. Don’t know. All I do know is that I don’t have the energy most people think I possess.

I be tired.

Middle ground

Day 2. Double the exercise. It still isn’t much. Only 2 sets of stairs, 20 stands, and 20 arm lifts. Hurts, tho. The stands are still the worst of it, too. My knees ache, my butt hurts, and I feel those stands everywhere in my midriff. Which is why I want to push them.

Scheduled in blood tests for tomorrow. Seeing my rheumatologist next week. Not sure what to say to her. I sure don’t want to go back to 8 methotrexate pills a week. I fell ill often enough with 7 a week. And now, after two or three weeks not taking any methotrexate and a lower dosage, I’m feeling my knees and wrists more and more. My shoulder is back to making popping noises. Forgot about that until it started happening a couple of days ago. Oh, yeah. That shoulder is awfully loud as well.

Got T to take a picture of my hair post shower. I really need a cut. I can tell I pulled all the shorter hair around my face over to my right side because there’s a clump that’s a lot shorter than the rest of it on the right hand. But it’s been at least 6 months since I had a trim, and I can tell I need it. The ends look bad. I’m gonna schedule an appointment in downstairs rather than at the usual salon. I don’t want to have to travel on the metro any more than I must. Still hoping I make it thru our band ‘gig’ and stay healthy.

T told me a story of a friend of a friend who’s got long covid. The guy used to bike all over and be super active. Now he’s rarely seen outside his house. I can relate. Gonna keep on pushing myself because I really do want to get over this.

Ugh. We have a mystery sound going on the last half week. It’s a high end oscillation that goes on and on and on. Can’t figure out where it’s coming from. T thought it might be the workers on the roof of the next door building, but it happened late last night around 9 pm and I just can’t imagine any workers going that late. Sometimes the sound seems further away, sometimes it seems to shake the walls of the flat. It doesn’t go on long, so putting on my shoes and heading out to try and pin point it is difficult. But it keeps popping up now and then.

Considering bowing out of band rehearsal next week. The morning after, I have to be at my rheumatologist’s office before noon. I was really, really beat last time. Took more than a day to recoup. So I have my concerns about next week. The last thing I want to do is run myself down at rehearsal and then push myself on public transport the next day. That’s almost sure to make me sick again. Not sure that I can count on the guys finishing up early, either. Last week P was told how I was barely up for a week. He pushed us until 10 pm and we got home late. I can’t do that again. The guys are… Well, I’ve been conducting a bit of a test. Stay quiet until someone asks for my input because I feel I get cut off an awful lot. The only time I act outside that norm is when P obviously has not heard T well and is going on about something other than what T asked about. Then I’ll step in and repeat T’s words. But I’m not just joining in. I’m not offering my input because it is quite often ignored. Noticed, too, that P’s list of songs for our ‘gig’ doesn’t include any songs I sing. T bitched about P’s song choice for him. I chose to say nothing. Don’t care if I sing or not. Ain’t my band. We don’t play my kind of music. We only do one or two songs I actually enjoy. The rest I tolerate. And the set list is the stuff we nail in our sleep, so it isn’t like I think I have to be there next week. Hm. Think I’ll run this one past T. See what he thinks.

News over here: The right wing is close to cabinet formation in our gov’t. It could get quite scary here. Very, very soon. Seeing lots of right wing politics in the EU. The news here includes quite a bit of increased violence. Increased violence from immigrants and locals. Honestly, I have a difficult time forgetting that hipster dude that screamed at me how he was gonna take my head off. I keep my eyes open for him, but I’d never noted him in the neighbourhood before and I haven’t seen him since. Just some fucker cutting through on a random day. Nonetheless, the memory of it returns over and over and it keeps me on my toes. As do all the stories of elderly bikers getting beat up or someone knifing someone else at a metro station. The Eurovision scandal goes on. Now there are reports that NL filed a complaint with the governing body about an unsafe environment the day before the Joost Klein incident. The most surprising thing about this is the very fact that it’s NL. I could probably tick off half a dozen other nations I would think would be more apt to do this kind of shit before NL, but here we are. I guess it supports the entire right wing political bias I’m seeing in our current cabinet formation. Have read more and more reports of climate change impact, too. We’re dealing with both too wet and too dry concurrently. The ground dries out too much and then, when it finally rains, it rains too much. Not seeing many issues here in Rotterdam. We’re probably the most advanced in our water capture and usage because most of the entire city was bombed flat and totally rebuilt. The rest of the nation is struggling. Have seen stories of flower growers having problems due to our new environmental goals. Can’t say I feel too bad for them. I know there are problems, but I’ve never really understood why so much land is given over to cut flowers when people are starving. We’ll see if the new government kills the environmental agreements or not. I’ll bet they do.

Ugh. And it sure looks like Trump is gonna get back in office. Seriously? I am so effing ashamed of being born in that nation. It seems like every year I either learn of some atrocity in the past or one currently going on and all I feel I can do is hang my head. I cannot relate to what’s happening. At all. And I’m very glad of that.

How bad will it get? Don’t know. I’ve seen some awful things in dreams. Sometimes those dreams come to pass. Sometimes not.

Trying to find that middle ground. Middle ground on my meds. Middle ground on my view of the world. Middle ground on hope. Have enough, but not too much. Too much is as dangerous as not enough. Middle ground it is.

Back at it

Made it through band and as far as I can tell, I’m not falling ill again. Yea! Small victory. It did take me almost 36 hours to recoup after rehearsal. Three hours on my feet playing and moving, hauling my keys and stands around, lifting, moving: I was MORE than deeply exhausted the day after. Managed to make it to my recliner and basically spent the day there.

Yesterday I began the exercises my fysiotherapist told me to do. Ugh. I did the stairs walking first, thinking that would be toughest. Nope. Doing the sitting in a straight-backed chair and standing was the toughest. I did 10 rather than 5 because they were so tough. Then I did my arms. I stopped at that point because I didn’t know how I’d feel in a few hours. Good thing, too. I can feel it still today.

And so. Eurovision. I’m not shocked by what’s going on with NL’s entry. He’s from Friesland in the north, and they’re known to be pretty hard right wing. I mean… I think you can tell that from his haircut, right? What I am shocked by is how awful he is. The song sucks; I don’t care if you can clap and sing along with it, it sucks. And, as stated, his appearance is a real turn off, at least for me. But I know NL didn’t want to host. We have too many problems going on at the moment. I’m just embarrassed by what we put out there. T won’t even watch it due to the whole Israel thing. I’m recording it and fast forwarding through a LOT. Don’t even know if I’ll watch the final. After all, I’m not staying up for it to vote. And now I’ve seen all the entries I wanted to see. Personally, I’m all for Ireland’s entry. It’s raw and weird and very different. I’m also fairly certain they also included real spells in their performances. The UK’s is… Well, if we have awards for the most pandering entry, they win, hands down. Let them host it. The damned thing always costs a lot of money and is a nightmare to schedule.

Today is supposed to be very nice. High of 24C and sunny. I want to head out for a walk, but I’m not sure I can handle it with my other exercises. I feel pretty wiped out, too. After my exercises, I took the time to clean our tree’s leaves of all the dust they’d collected. Yikes. There was so much dust I had to wear a face mask. That was it. Now I feel like I don’t want to move. At all.

I’ve never been this weak. Never. Even as a fat, out of shape kid I had more muscle.

So I guess I’d better get back at it.

Better than anything else

Today, I walked. Headed out and very soon found a smile on my face. That surprised me. Quite a bit. Struggled all day yesterday with anger. At myself, at the world…you name it. Managed to actually talk with T today. Told him what happened and that I would try to say something when and if it happens again but I needed him to know what I was doing and back me up should I come off…well, bitchy. Told him it was a trigger thing with me and how crappy I’d felt since rehearsal. How I wish I could speak up faster! But even telling T about it took time before I could say it without going off. I’m glad I took the time, too. The conversation with T went better than if I’d come at it with anger, which I was sure to do before I actually spoke up. Of that much, I’m certain. Not proud of it. Not at all. But I can be honest about it.

And T acknowledged our drummer can be a bit much to handle. Even told me that if I really couldn’t deal with him I could quit the band and he wouldn’t hold it against me. Which is a big thing, because when I joined he warned me that he didn’t want to see me quitting anytime soon. And I don’t really want to quit. It can be fun. I just don’t want to feel dissed, that’s all. But seeing as our two fellow bandmates are older than us, we just have to acknowledge at a certain point that they’re just old men with old men ideas. I may reach a point where I can say something when it happens and even get my point across, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be able to change their habits.

But, hey. I didn’t lose it in any manner. I spoke clearly and asked for help from T, and got a commitment to back me up. I even got out today during a break in the showers and did my circuit walk. Pushed it, as a matter of fact. Purposefully went as fast as I could. There’s plenty I haven’t done. Plenty. I feel good about what I have done. Which is a big improvement from yesterday.

Heck! I even enjoyed the flowers outside. We’ve blooms everywhere.

All positive shit. Now I just need to stay on that track. Keep moving, keep trying, keep speaking up when I’m able to. And keep asking for help. That’s a big thing for me, too. Acknowledge it; I did really really well. Yeah, it took me a couple of days and it was only T, whom I trust more than anyone so it’s easier to ask him, but I did it. I’ve got support. I took care of myself.

And that feels better than anything else.

Hopeful

Pretty much everything hurts. Been pushing the walking, out every day for fresh air and an hour meandering and moving. I’ve almost got past all the panting. And I think I can do an hour walking pretty well. After that… I need to sit and rest. But the rest period is getting shorter.

My RA seems bad, too. Weirdness with that as well. It’s my right shoulder that freezes up and pops every single day, but it seems to be my left shoulder that’s quite painful if you press on the joint (indicating inflammation). Hm. My big toes hurt. The big knuckle in the foot connected to my big toes have felt on fire, and I mean on fire. That hurts quite a bit when I walk and put too much pressure on that joint. My thumbs still hurt when I pick up something like my laptop or my bottle of water. And lately when I walk, my right knee feels the way it did when I had water on it. I can’t see anything that looks like I’ve got water on it, but it’s the same type of burning pain sensation I remember from my past.

So. Signed into my bank and took a look at my account. As I thought, I’ve been bleeding out money. T started giving me some cash so I could pay for my OV chip card and band rehearsal. But now everything has gone up a bit and it’s not enough. Still okay, ’cause I still have the bulk of the cash uncle D sent me. But it’s clear that I need to start doing something soon.

To that end, out of sheer curiosity I headed online to the account of the supermarket chain on the ground floor of our building. Looked for jobs they were advertising. They’ve got ads for bakery helpers, part-time of 10 hours a week to start. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for better right now. Zero transportation costs, ’cause it’s just downstairs. Only 10 hours a week so it shouldn’t be too hard on me. I can get my feet wet again, so to speak. See how it goes. T thinks it’s a brilliant idea, especially since we’re just not sure if I could handle a full time job. Holding off until after band rehearsal (tonight). I figured the last thing I’d want is for them to ring me early tomorrow to come down for an interview. I’ll put it out there tomorrow and maybe – if things move as fast as I think they will – I’ll be employed within a week.

Today I gotta do my nails. Super long again. Got my toenails done the other day, but I didn’t do my fingernails and tonight, as stated, I have to play with the band which means I want them short. Goddess, I hate playing keys with long nails! It’s almost as band as typing with them.

Feeling like I have a bit of hope. That 10 hour a week job just seems ideal to me. Just a little work to find out how I cope with that type of schedule. My strength seems to slowly be returning. Very slowly, but it’s returning. I’m getting bits done around the house. I have a plan to move forward. I feel…excited and a little bit scared. But overall hopeful.

Keep it small

Dr T is fairly certain I’m suffering from long covid. As he put it, it shouldn’t be that surprising, considering I had two infections. He’s encouraging me to keep walking, keep trying to up my strength and endurance. Gods, it isn’t easy. My body feels twice as heavy. Everything hurts.

But I’m doing it. Got out today for another hour. And I’m a little bit less pained today than I was five days ago, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign. Still get really, really breathless when walking. I huff and puff and can barely stop gasping, and I’m not even walking all that fast. Every once in a while I get dizzy, too. It’s fast, and I haven’t fallen from it. But it’s a bit of a pain. Hoping that will go away as I gain back my health.

So my keyboard is in for repairs. It may be three weeks before I see it again. He’s just that busy. That means I get to use the replacement keyboard at our rehearsal space. Cool. It works and usually I can find at least one sound to use quickly.

Got the battery for my phone replaced. Hurrah! It barely held for 24 hours with nothing used at all. I’d charge it up one day and the next, when I checked it, it was dead. I really hate mobile phones. I think they’re awful. Awful sound quality. Even on a regular call, the voices cut in and out. And if I want to surf the ‘net, I’ll do it on my computer with a larger screen and keyboard. Nothing I hate more than seeing everyone with their noses in their phones. There is NOTHING so important that I have to be in contact with the world 24/7. Absolutely nothing. *sigh* Anyway. Now I can put my CV out there and feel confident my phone won’t die willy-nilly on me every single time I need it.

Got over my guilt about my uncle and not going back to the states for his funeral. It took a couple weeks of beating myself up, but I finally got there.

Still have loads of people I need to write to. Haven’t done that yet. But I’ve just been too bone tired to do it.

You’d think the temps outside were much higher than they are. People are dumb. As soon as there’s a sunny day that isn’t freezing, everyone pushes it like spring is really here. And maybe it is, but we still woke up with 2C this morning and a wind chill of 3 below. I passed by people wearing shorts out there. Granted: quite often it’s shorts of a runner, but shorts nonetheless. Feeling like it’s 3 below is too damned cold for that. Put something on your legs. And your heads! Geez!

And because people are dumb, everyone is sick. T’s two students called off this week because of illness. The amount of coughing, snorting and sneezing on the metro is frightening. Everybody sounds like they got something wrong with them.

Here in NL, Wilders is still trying to coordinate a working government. He just can’t get enough supporters to do anything. I’m thrilled by that. If only the US did things the way we do here! Trump could win yet not rule at all because he just can’t get a large enough percentile of supporters to make up a working cabinet. Everyone on this side of the pond is mentally prepping for the worst come November. Can’t say I blame them. Even when Trump isn’t in office he’s causing problems, like stalling out the border solution Biden worked on. Makes me think that the only thing Americans want is a bit of chaos. Enough to entertain them, at least. And…well, there’s no one like Trump to ‘entertain’, is there? Even I skim through articles online that talk about his outrageous behaviour. Biden is more apt to make me sleepy. But that’s a really lousy reason for voting someone into office. If anything, you want your politics boring. It’s called consistency. Your people and your allies can count on you acting a certain way. Let’s face it: if Trump gets in again, he’s pulling out of NATO. I think that’s a for sure move. Not good for the rest of us. I honestly don’t think Putin will march on the EU, but I could be wrong. And it isn’t like Putin is the only one we gotta worry about. We have quite a few hard right wingers right now. They could turn at any moment and invade their neighbours if they felt justified.

And then there’s climate change. You know, I really don’t get it. Most thinking people agree now that climate change is a thing and we’re experiencing it. Not everyone agrees that people have anything to do with it, and that’s okay. There are some things we CAN agree on. For instance, I think many people realise we have a big garbage problem. Everything is full up. The ocean is a huge garbage dump. The western world just ships everything off and likes to forget about it. But the garbage is still there. Yet here we are, in an age where having coffee the way coffee has been made for forever is now unpopular. Instead, we are encouraged to buy these little damned cups filled with what I can only assume is a chemical laden heavy espresso that your new machine (because a regular old coffee pot isn’t good enough anymore) makes. Yuck. If you want coffee, make coffee, not some chemical crap. Now, let me ask you this: how many of those stupid little cups (made of foil) are now in our litter? I’m guessing quite a bit over here. Seems like everyone has those idiot ‘coffee’ machines. If we already have a garbage problem, shouldn’t we look only at new products that don’t contribute to that problem? But no one talks about that! Oh, no. Just how good the chemicals taste in a coffee cup or how convenient it is. I used one of those once. It made so much noise it was awful. Like if someone else was sleeping in your flat you couldn’t use it or it would wake them up loud. In other words, really loud. So you want me to trade a really loud machine for my quiet coffeemaker. You want me to give up wonderful, natural coffee made with an unbleached filter so it’s 100% recyclable for this waste generated chemical laden cup of crap. Um…no thanks. Why is this even allowed on the market? Why would anyone buy it? You’re perfectly able to make one cup of coffee in a regular old coffeemaker if that’s all you want.

I know, I know. The answer? I already said it: people are stupid. Honestly, I’m sad to live in this age. Sad to see how few people really care about the planet. Sad to discover, over and over, how few people have a brain in their heads. How do you do it? How do you live, or keep a job? I don’t understand. And that makes ME feel stupid, and I KNOW I’m not, but everything gets muddled until I just throw my hands up and light up another bowl because I’ll never get it. I give up on trying to understand other people, or figure out why they can’t grasp the most obvious things.

Now I feel bad. Again. I don’t want to live through what’s happening to the planet. I already dreamt it: the fires, the screaming, the violence. No. I do not want to have to do that IRL. The dream was bad enough.

I’ll just put my blinders on and do my best to ignore all the stuff that makes me feel bad. …No, that isn’t true. I’ll do my best to not dwell on it, but it isn’t like I can get away from it. Best thing to do is make my world small again. Me, me, me. Walking, working. Small steps forward. Progress. Always aim for progress. Ignore bigger stuff because it isn’t like there’s much you can do about it, Beeps. Keep it small.

It’s okay to not be okay

It seems like the Goddess was going to let me hate myself only so much. After bee-itchin’ about not moving at all when I knew I should get walking, I was sent walking. Yep. The day after writing that, the metro line suddenly failed 3 stops from the house. T and I debated heading out on the special buses the city provides when services goes down. Instead (since it was a sunny day), we gently walked back home. Took about half an hour. The day after I had stuff to pick up and walked for about an hour. I’ve been out and about every single day. Gently walking, getting fresh air, blah blah. Actually, I feel pretty good.

Tonight is band, so we’ll see how I feel after 3 hours of standing behind my keys. Plus, I gotta drag my instrument home tonight ’cause my repairs are scheduled for next week. Plan on taking my wrist bands for tonight. I’ve grown used to not hurting myself on band night and call me snowflake, but I don’t want to go backwards with that.

Ugh. Just off a search for info on gift tax here. Looks like I’ll owe a bit for the gift my uncle sent me. More than I’d like to pay, actually. But I’ll do it. I do not want to run into trouble with the system here. And, of course, that’s why I’ve just done nothing and been sitting on it. I figured it would be too good to be true to not have to pay anything for it.

Many things I have to do. Got a lot of people I need to write to. Just not sure what to say. One person I should write to is a cousin of mine. I don’t have many cousins that volunteer to keep in touch, so even tho I have reservations about it, I’m going to reach out. Need to write to my aunt as well. No idea what is up with her. The plan had been that she was going to sell her house and most of her stuff and then move up with uncle D, who just recently died. She was in the process of clearing stuff out and now D is dead and I don’t know if she knows what to do. Ugh.

Other happy stuff: finally broached wills with T. In case. Neither of us wants the other to have to go through a bunch of shit to just call our stuff our stuff. Should be pretty basic for both of us; everything goes to the other. It’s just all grown up and scary. Wills, for fuck’s sake. I don’t like to think about it. I don’t think T likes to think about it, either, which is why we haven’t done anything up to now. But we just keep hearing, over and over, about people who we used to know who’ve died. And they’re all younger than us. That’s the real freak. And what’s driving us to do it. So far, we’ve been lucky. Very, very lucky. And frankly, I’d still prefer us both to go together at once. I often think T would be more able to deal with me being gone than the other way around, but perhaps I diss him in that. He may think of me more as a pain in his ass than as someone he truly cares about, but I think he’d miss me. I know it.

Need to buy a new battery for my phone. It barely lasts 24 hours and I don’t do anything with it. Once I have that, I have no more excuses for not putting my CV online. I really gotta get a job. Not looking forward to everything that will mean, but I know we need the money.

Anyway. I’ve been moving more. Still struggling a bit with guilt and self worth. Big surprise, eh? Feels like I could say that every day I’m not in manic mode. Man, I miss my mania. Just that big push of confidence and sureness. Trying to build on the small stuff lately. Feeling a bit better; build on that. Get one or two things taken care of; build on that. I’ve carved out this tiny little area around me: I can clean the house, or go out and get some walking done, or deal with the pressure of job hunting. Tiny things that most people could probably do without all this hysteria and bullshit. I can’t. I’m back to hysteria and bullshit and holding onto all these small things with my effing fingernails because I’m scared to let them go.

And that’s okay. It isn’t. Not really. Not for me. But I know that if I want to change it, I first have to own it and make it okay. It’s okay I’m freaked out. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay. It is the same damned phenomenon I have witnessed over and over in my life when I’ve put on weight. I’ll hold onto that weight as long as I hold onto my skinnier clothes, telling myself I’ll lose that weight soon. Nope. Won’t happen. But as soon as I let those skinnier clothes go and buy roomier stuff I like, I’ll lose the weight. Every. Single. Damned. Time. Ergo: it’s okay to not be okay. It really, really is.

Ugh

Ugh.

Saw my huisarts. Once again, the diagnosis is that the pain I feel is all muscular, not my RA. Oh, she agrees that I probably have some pinch in my upper back that’s causing it, but that’s as far as it goes. SO glad the temp doc gave me an open script for the pain relief pills. I’d like to get off them, but not until it’s been worked on and the pain is actually receding. Went straight from my appointment down to the fysio dept and asked for an appointment. Tomorrow at 8am. And we’ll work on it again. Still. I’ve asked him to work on that area for 2 months, but apparently that doesn’t count. So we’ll do it all over and hope I get some relief. If not, it’s back to the docs for something other than platitudes and a put-off.

My teeth are super duper. No problems, no issues, no cavities lurking between my molars. At least there’s that.

High winds again. One winter storm whizzed by and now we’re being hit by another. At least it got warmer. Temps are pretty steady around 10C. Yea! The snow and ice are all gone. But wind chill is staying in single digits, so I still wrap up when I head outside.

Everybody sounds SICK. Yeesh! And everyone has forgotten how to properly cover their coughs. All I hear on metro trips are coughing and sniffing and sneezing. It’s awful. But we’ve got covid and the flu and some other respiratory problems going around. Very little discussion on that, just an occasional news story. You can sure hear it, though.

Seems once again the US is getting ready for a terrible re-match. Trump vs Biden. Still haven’t heard from my uncle on the matter, so I’m guessing he’s leaning towards that ultra right dictator again and doesn’t want to upset me. How can anyone trust the US when you’re apt to flip around like this? If 45 gets in all hell will break loose. He’ll pull out of everything. NATO and supporting Ukraine and everything. Goddess! It’s like having a cheating spouse. You know they’re gonna do it again since they’ve done it in the past. Sadly, it seems like the EU is as addicted to the US as anyone. We’ll go through all the upset and problems and we’ll threaten all sorts of shit that we won’t follow thru on.

Of course, it isn’t like NL can crow about anything. Rutte is still defacto PM. Wilders can’t get a coalition together because everyone hates him. So we may face another election to try and sort stuff out.

And then there’s the UK. We’ve recorded old news satire shows and have a good laugh at watching them. Oh, the Boris years! They didn’t know how good they had it. You can actually see this slow motion death of the UK as Truss gets in. From what I’ve seen, the UK sucks right now. They won’t let in any asylum seekers but they also won’t do all those jobs that asylum seekers do, so they’re in a right pickle. I sure don’t want to go there.

Got thru Smallville. Fun series. Particularly after they get rid of Lana Lang. Goddess! Talk about someone I was disappointed to see show up again and again and again! The stereotypical damsel in distress. They sure made Clark a meat-head. Not very bright, is he? Then again, I thought they wrote Lex really stupid, too. He gets attacked over and over but he doesn’t get smart enough to have body guards in the room with him? I think he gets shot 3 times before it even occurs to him to get more protection. That’s pretty damned stupid as well. The smartest characters were all the women. And they sure enable their men to be as stupid as they are.

Saw season 3 of Picard. I sure hope this means we’ll be seeing another show with Captain Seven. I’m all for it.

I guess the most positive thing I can say is that I’m getting some walking in. Not much, but enough that I might get back to the gym to really start up. I charged my iPod. I’ve just been wanting to get off the damned pain pills before I go gung-ho. But I don’t know when that will happen. Or even IF it will happen. Oh, it should. But I don’t have much faith it will. When 2 days of no pain and no aches were eye-opening, I’ve already had too much pain. But I didn’t go to the docs right away, so now I have to suffer through all this bullshit.

Ugh.

Just a little shit

Word constipation. That’s what I got. Not writers’ block. That’s far too nice a term for what I’m feeling. It’s word constipation. The words are right there. Yet this is, for the record, the third post I’ve written. I’m determined that it will not be the third post I’ve deleted. Why do I keep tossing them after writing them? I pass judgement on my own work and deem it unworthy. It’s not good enough to actually hit that publish button.

Reminder to me: I did not start this blog to gain followers or write something brilliant. I started this blog to sort myself out, because I find it easier to write my problems than actually speak them out loud.

Just to prove it to myself: dirjiw3889wes/ ,mxxc/, bndiffugyPRHQMS. Yeah. Publish THAT bit of nonsense.

We’re cold in NL. The east and centre of the nation have already had snow. It’s supposed to drop a bit today in R’dam, but it’s not supposed to accumulate. As for me, I’m curled up on my chair with a blanket over my legs and my hoodie hood up over my head most of the time. I’m not turning up the heat because turning up the heat is how we got into this mess in the first place. Goddess! Talk about the sins of the mother being visited upon her daughters! We are paying for what our ancestors did to this planet. And we’re gonna keep paying, because most of ‘us’ are still into massive pollution. Humanity wants its cars and planes, its fast food and corporate farms. Humanity wants to believe the lies they tell us to assuage any guilt we may feel over buying more shit. We are willing to turn a blind eye towards the sewerage on our shores and the toxic run offs on our lands. …Hmmm. This rant is a big part of the reason I’ve trashed all my recent posts. I seem to return to this time after time. Generally that indicates a big thing for me. But I’m so damned tired of ranting and seeing nothing change. C’mon, already! Saw an article on CNN today: Are COP meetings really blah blah blah, like Greta Thunberg said? Of course they are. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that. And it sure as hell shouldn’t be a fucking question anyone is asking anymore. If we wanted to change what we were doing, we’d have done it already. Somebody doesn’t want things to change. Somebody with a lot of power. And yeah, it’s probably a bunch of old white men. Because aren’t ALL our problems begun by OLD WHITE MEN?

AAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

I am as angry as I’ve ever been. It’s a deep seated thing, far under my skin. I don’t feel it on the surface. On the surface, I’m…eh…okay. A little bored, a little tired, but mostly okay. But every time I bring up climate change I just rant and rant, on and on. I’d really like to move on. Get over it. Whatever annoying fucking phrase you want to put in there that basically says shut the fuck up about it, already! But I can’t. I see nothing change, so how could I? Dr T may say this anger has to do with my manic side. Maybe so. But it runs so deep I think he’d have to make me comatose before I stopped feeling this way. And don’t get me wrong: there are days when comatose sounds pretty fucking good to me.

Tomorrow I have to go out in public. Getting my corona shot in the afternoon. Well, that’s as good a reason as any to try and write this anger out of me. I have no need to feel angry as I run around tomorrow amongst the humans. Nope. That kind of hidden anger spreads, like a contagion. I’ve seen it happen. I don’t want to be patient zero.

Had high hopes that I’d make it to the gym this week to do some walking. Simple, easy, no problem. But I’m still blowing out yellow goo from my head every morning, so I haven’t made the move yet. I got my iPod charged and basically I’m as ready as I can get myself. So it will happen, and soon. Just don’t ask me how soon ‘soon’ is.

There’s a lot left to cover. Politics, war, and the usual sort of horror we reign down on ourselves. I’m not going there today. Today was just a little poo. The little shit that comes out when constipation finally breaks. It’s the poo before the shit storm, if you will. I got things moving. That’s good enough.

A real mess

Got out yesterday for a walk. It was a perfect day: sunny, deep blue skies, warm but not too warm, a little breeze to move your hair. The more I walked, the sadder I became. Just kept thinking about Sable, my last cat. My whole body ached with missing him. So I did what I always do when that occurs: I began talking out loud to him, telling him again how there was no other choice, how he couldn’t have survived the move or if he did, he would have been absolutely despondent here. But he was my baby, my boo. We snuggled and loved each other for years. We even had our arguments. I held him as he died. …Goddess, that pain feels as fresh as it was when it happened. Better to not dwell too much on it. Needless to say, I was feeling close to tears yesterday while out on my walk. And then, it happened. A black lab came up to me for some attention while out on a walk with his person. I turned the corner, feeling a bit better, and met a new cat. Beautiful markings. Very friendly. So I received both dog and cat love yesterday, which bucked me up a lot.

Man, I really need an animal friend in my life. Full time. My emotions would be better, I think. My depression would be less. But this is a really small space. A really small space. I don’t think it’s possible.

You have no idea how much that hurts. The knowledge that, as long as we live in this flat, I can’t have an animal friend live with me. We had a whole house in Ireland, so Sable had loads of room and had no problem respecting T’s room boundary. In fact, it became a bit of a joke in the house. My cat hated it when we rehearsed or recorded music. So he’d come up to the studio room and stand outside. The studio was next to T’s bedroom. The cat would wait until either of us looked at him, then he’d raise one of his paws like he was about to put it down in T’s room, which he wasn’t allowed in. He’d actually do that. Smart cat. Anyway… I can’t do it here. Not now. If it was just me in the place, I could. But with T and his allergies, he’d have no chance of getting away from the dander.

I feel distinctly lonely today.

Here I am, waiting for the repair guy to show up. He’s due in an hour and a half. Then T comes back and has his guitar lesson at 3 or 3:30. Hopefully the repair dude will be on time and out of here by then.

Wednesday will be another thing altogether. Getting my braids out beginning at 1 pm. I’ve got two hours scheduled in for that. Really getting worried about my hair at this point. Trying to be gentle with it. Not that I’m really rough with my hair to begin with! But I’m worried that as the braids come out and they start their comb through, a lot more hair will break off. Really short, too. Oh, man. Even imagining my hair that short after this length makes me feel awful. Just a real drop in my stomach. Cutting it off to my shoulders, okay. But cutting it within an inch of my skull is really short, and that’s where the braid that broke. I’m worried that they’ll see it and say: there’s nothing to cut. What if that happens all over my head?

Fu-u-u-uck. Stop right there. You don’t need to borrow trouble. What happens on Wednesday happens. It’s not like you pulled that braid out on purpose, or twirled it until the hair broke. It just gave out. And if that’s what’s happened to your hair, then it’s better to cut it all off and regrow it and you know that. So stop worrying.

Yeah. If you’re gonna worry, worry about something real. Like the fact that you put on one of your older, treasured T shirts that used to be roomy on you and now it’s tight because you’re fat, fat, FAT!

That’s absolutely true. It ain’t helpin’, though. Not much can help me right now. Getting out for another walk would be great, but I don’t want to chance that the repair guy will be early.

Seeing Dr T on Thursday. Super-duper. What up? Depression. Anything new? No, because I’m depressed. And then it will be a discussion about my medication levels. I don’t want to keep taking more and more pills. And I DO think if I could get back onto a regular gym rotation I’d feel better overall. I’ve just had strategically placed appointments all over my life that keep preventing me for one reason or another. Like today: I’m waiting in case this guy is early. And I don’t know how long he’ll take so I can’t exactly plan anything. This stuff keeps coming up. And if it isn’t the appointments, it’s my RA or the rain or me just feeling like I can’t.

Telling myself to hang in there. Keep trying, even if that means I only think about exercise rather than doing it. Just continue to bring it to mind. Eventually I’ll bug myself enough I’ll go. And let go of the hair thing. Let go of all of that. It’s not helping me at all.

Nor is T’s ignoring my preferences. He found and bought a copy of The Mothman Prophecies and it’s a film I really want to see again. Two nights in a row he’s asked me what I want to watch. Both nights I’ve said The Mothman Prophecies. Both nights we have NOT watched The Mothman Prophecies, but his choices. And his latest choice is a mini-series that was cut into a film. We got through 3 hours last night and we’ll have to watch the other half now before we move onto anything else. T apologised last night when he realised he’d really put MY preferences off. I mean, why the fuck ask me if you just go and ignore what I fucking want? Really fucking pissing me off with that shit. And of course we’ll also miss Wednesday because of band rehearsal. I made him absolutely promise me that on Thursday evening, we’ll watch The Mothman Prophecies. Fucking finally.

And I swear, if he talks through it there might be another murder in NL…

I’m not good. Angry and depressed and totally fucking out of sorts. I hate this.

I’ve also had it with T telling me I just watched the one film he’d set his heart on watching that evening. Holy hell. You have NO IDEA how guilty he makes me feel for watching something we’ve both seen. Something that’s fucking sitting on our many shelves of DVDs. But NOOOOOOOOooooooo! I pick it up and watch it the very afternoon he’s decided THAT’S the film or show he’s just GOT to fucking watch that night. Not that he tells me that. Oh, he’ll make me decide at 9 am what I want for dinner that night but he won’t tell me he’s made up his mind for entertainment and please don’t fucking watch it that very afternoon, okay? No. Then he takes the opportunity to make me feel fucking guilty for not being able to read his fucking mind.

Oh, I’d better get off this damned blog. I keep digging and there’s just more and more and more shit coming out. It’s like one of my sores from my pustular psoriasis. When it finally breaks open, it’s a real mess.

That’s me. A real mess.