I hurt. From my exercises, from the humidity, from my RA… Goddess only knows. Probably a combination. Been surprised over how much my small amount of exercising has pushed my muscles and my breathing. Two flights of stairs and I’m panting and ready to sit down. Keep pushing it. I don’t want to push it. At all. But I am. I want to get stronger, and the only way to that is through all this bullshit.
Worst of it: left side, where my leg and my hip meet. That wakes me up at night with pain. I hate it.
Talked to T about next week. Maybe I asked at a bad time. Maybe he’s just frustrated by me. Don’t know. All I do know for sure is that he kind of barked at me and put the blame on me for scheduling my appointment during a band week. I told him the appointment was made 6 months in advance and I didn’t even have my pocket agenda at that point, but it made no difference. I felt like it was all my own fault so I should shut up and live with it. So next week, I’m gonna be on the edge of exhaustion. Unless, of course, my strength picks up over this week. But considering how I’m feeling right now, I really, really doubt it.
My system seems to be in overdrive. When I pee, I pee an ocean. Similar statement could be made for all sorts of things. Just use your imagination on that one. Needless to say, I’m not confident at the moment on going out or doing much. I think I need to be near a bathroom.
More spooky shit. This morning at 9 am, our fire alarm went off in our flat. This is a special thing that our landlord put in. We can’t even change the battery; it’s supposed to last until 2032. We had no smoke in the house. No reason for it to go off, but it did. Very loudly. DAMN! Well, I was wondering if I’d hear it over my sound generator. The answer is YES, I hear it quite well. Good to know. But I really didn’t have to be woken up like that today just to find that out.
The smoke alarm isn’t the only thing, either. For some odd reason, my pipe keeps loosening up. I tighten the joints all the effing time and the next moment when I pick it up, it’s loose again. The light in the closet is flickering, too. That’s the one where the light bulb gets unscrewed even tho it’s got a cover over the entire thing.
News. Yikes. Increased violence and problems. Increased problems with immigrants. That’s not to say I’m against immigration, I’m just noting it. Could be that Wilders’ cabinet has influenced our media to cover immigrants in a bad light. And hearing about one problem person doesn’t mean everyone is a problem. But I’m noticing more and more news stories that clearly state when someone is an immigrant. It’s sad, you know? I can’t imagine any of the immigrants we take in aren’t mentally damaged in some way or other. Even the guy two floors down who I had so many problems with probably had his own issues and problems that contributed to the entire fiasco. But being too loud or disruptive here means other people have shit inflicted on them, and that isn’t fair. I think it’s a real shame that we don’t force all immigrants to have mental health help. Take it as a given that people are damaged and need extra help. But we don’t enforce that until they prove that they should have that help, which means we all have to suffer through the outbreaks of crap they do, whether it’s noise late at night, yelling in the streets, or violent outbursts. Truthfully, it’s fair to no one. In the same vein, I’m seeing more and more articles about Joost Klein stating that he’s getting lots of gig offers. I’m chalking that up to right wing feelings growing all over the EU. And, of course, there’s the news that Wilders has actually formed a cabinet and is now moving in as the ruling parties. Ugh. Feeling concerned about that and all it may mean for us. And we have water problems. Either too much or not enough. A campground was evacuated due to flooding. And I’ve seen one or two boil notices in the east of the country.
I’m feeling too tired to tackle this world with all its problems. Wish I had more to give, but… I’m old now. Or older. I know I still don’t look it. Every once in a while I catch some man looking at me and smiling. Sometimes they even speak to me. From what I’ve learned (after many years and definitely the hard way), that means they find you attractive. And I can see it in my face. I don’t look my age. I don’t know how old most people think I am; that is just a total blank. But I can see how people think I’m younger than I am. I have something youthful about my face. A lack of worry lines? No frown permanently set in? I honestly don’t know. But even I can see I lack it.
Been thinking of getting a t-shirt that says ‘yes, I’m 58’. Or maybe I should put more grey into my hair. Don’t know. All I do know is that I don’t have the energy most people think I possess.
I be tired.