Well, this is new.
I am SO stiff around my tail bone! Happy to say I have zero sharp pain, but… This isn’t very nice. Not very nice at all. Today is a little better, too. Yesterday was really bad. *sigh* Ever since corona, the pain in my hip area has increased 100 fold. In fact, these days it’s almost a sure bet it’s in my hip area when I say I’ve got pain. Oh, I don’t want to face a hip replacement at any time in my future. I’d rather hobble along with what I’ve got and then just die.
Okay, don’t get ahead of yourself, Beeps. We’re not at hip replacement surgery yet.
I have been up and walking. Moving around. Yesterday I got up early, made my famous chili verde quiche, did dishes and three loads of laundry. That really sapped my strength. And hurt my back. Had to take paracetamol. Again. Tempted to just sit on my arse today and watch films. Even T suggested I just take it easy today, which tells me I’ve been making a lot of ‘ughs’ and ‘oohs’ when I move. I don’t hear myself do it, but he does. Geez! It’s like corona aged my body 10 years. I don’t look it, but I sure as hell feel it. And it feels awful.
Here in NL: Rain, rain, rain. Rotterdam has more than enough water. We’ve had what the Irish would call ‘soft’ days, which means an all encompassing foggy feel to the day. Not really raining outright, just a whole lotta water in the air that makes you wet the moment you step outside. We’ve broken a couple of heat records for this time of year. Frankly, I find it pleasant to not have to walk out in full winter gear. Big news today is a riot in Den Haag thanks to our Eritrean refugees. Apparently there was some sort of gathering downtown and it resulted in a big riot. A number of police vehicles were set on fire and emergency services were pelted with fireworks. The article I read stated it was a disagreement between pro and anti government factions. My question is this: why are pro government people living here? Why do we take refugees from this country if so many people are happy with it? I don’t get it. As far as I know, Eritrea is not a big centre of tech knowledge, so it isn’t like we take in high tech refugees or anything. Of course I can find no answers to my questions. I’m just left wondering why all these people who claim they want to live here are so eager to rip the place apart.
Let’s talk politics for a minute. *shudder* It feels like the EU is prepping for another Trump presidency. I hope you guys in the US are ready for tyrant Trump. Every day it feels less likely that you’ll keep him out of the WH. I don’t think Putin is gonna jump all over invading Europe. If he makes any move outside of Ukraine, I think it will be in Poland due to its resources. And yes, if the EU treaties hold, that would mean the EU has to go to war with Russia. Nobody wants that. It’s looking more and more likely that Rutte will take over the EU Presidency. He’s a big negotiator. He’d probably allow Russia to take control over certain areas if it meant no outright war. How the rising right wing populists would react to that is beyond me. If they benefit, they’ll be happy. If not, we’ll hear about how awful this or that is. I think the big problem is Israel and the Middle East. That’s like one of those underground fires that keeps burning all winter long and begins again the next year. It never really stops. And the devastation is huge.
I’ll stop there because I’m making myself depressed. Again.
So often I wonder what life would be like without my depression and without my RA. What IS it like to wake up happy all the time? To NOT think down the lines of logic and see all that’s horrible about the human race? To be able to deny all my issues and mistakes without spending my time beating myself up for all of it? …Honestly, I can’t imagine it. Those things are so much a part of me I can’t imagine me without them. It’s like trying to imagine growing up in a supportive family. While I can envision that because I’ve seen it in films and met people who have it, I cannot imagine what I would be like in that situation. Me, more confident and happy? Sure of myself? Goddess! I feel like I spend 90% of my time waffling around in a morass of indecision. I have no idea what I’d do with all that left over time if my issues were gone. I guess in some ways, I wouldn’t be me. Or that’s what it feels like. I could be wrong. I was worried about my meds making me into something I’m not and that didn’t happen. I just stopped waking up in tears or crying when I was out in public.
I suppose it just doesn’t matter. In this reality, it isn’t what I’ve experienced. All that speculation about who I could have been or what I could have done is just that: speculation. There’s no guarantee that the me who doesn’t have RA and was born into a loving and supportive family didn’t go bad somehow. And she would have had her own problems that seemed really big and insurmountable. That much, I know.
‘Cause life is never easy.