A good sign

My throat was scratchy last night. Today my sinuses are bad. Feels like I’m on the edge of something. Maybe it’s a reaction to my annual flu shot. I can experience that. Maybe it’s something else. Don’t know yet. Hoping it won’t just linger on until my bday and then really hit me. Ugh.

My joints have felt like they’re on fire. Taking quite a bit of paracetamol. My psoriasis is healing. Slowly. My feet have pulled back but my hands still have outbreaks. Another ugh.

Mentioned to T that the new Hunger Games film, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, is playing at the cinema. I’d love to see it for my bday. T wasn’t very enthused. There was that heartbeat of stillness and he just moved on. Didn’t say anything. Ugh. I’ll bet if I’d picked the new Saw film he would have said yeah, let’s go. And I could compromise on this. I’m interested in the new Saw film, particularly since we have all the others. But my first choice is still the Hunger Games prequel. Don’t know why I should have to compromise on my bday. I compromise a lot with T. That’s just living together. Anyway. Don’t know if I’ll get to see it at the cinema since I was met with such stony silence. Maybe I’ll go see it by myself.

I know I’ve already bowed out of the next band rehearsal because it’s my bday week and I have my rheumatologist appointment the morning after. But I won’t be able to sleep until I know T is back safe. Not after last time. I dread waking up one morning and finding out he never came home. I could keep my phone in my room, but honestly I can hear the buzz of it and it bugs me.

Took down my hair the other day and showered. Whoa! The back braids were only in my hair for about 2 weeks and it took more than half an hour to get my hair untangled and ready to hit the shower. Now I’ve got everything in one long braid again. It feels a lot thicker. Amazing how much hair I have. And now I’ve got all sorts of hair growing back in. So in addition to my long locks, I have loads of shorter fly-aways. *sigh* I need to brush it out and treat it with oil. Again. Using a rosemary/mint concoction. My hair just sucks it in. I put the oil in and the first day my hair looks greasy. The second day it still seems a bit oily. But by the third day it’s totally soaked in and needing another application.

NL stuff: The weather is lousy. Look ahead and it’s all rain, rain, rain. High winds expected today. And DAMN! It’s getting cold. We have a severe housing crisis going on with no solid solutions. Every political party has their own ideas about how to solve said crisis and no one can get a majority to get anything done. We had our largest climate march in history over the weekend. Great Thunberg came. I missed it. In the long run, I’m sure that was for the best. I mean, I opened up with me not feeling up to par. I would have loved to go and be a part of it. But neither T nor I want issues. We don’t want to be marked as trouble makers or problems of any kind. So we don’t go. Our hearts are there, tho.

This week I get my back cracked and I see my shrink. Looking forward to both appointments. I need the help. Hoping I’ll feel better by the end of the week. My back will be straightened out and I won’t be having headaches. My shrink, I hope, will give me some concrete advice on handling my new metro fears.

Today, I cleaned up ’cause T’s student is coming by for a lesson. So I’m very ready to kick back in my room, under the duvet, and watch YouTube vids. But, you know…I got the house clean.

Doing my best to not kick myself for not doing more. I have so much more to get to. Phone calls, the gym, the gym, the gym, and a job. Yep. I gotta get to those things. I keep hoping I’ll feel better. Get some more oomph in me. Find the pep to go. Then I get up and my hands hurt, or my feet hurt, or I just ache in my hips or back. It sucks.

Well, at least my jeans weren’t as tight last time I wore them.

That’s gotta be a good sign, right?

Maybe tomorrow

I am totally surprised. T was and still is sicker than I. Usually it’s the other way around. I’ve been waiting for me to really get it, for my nose to fill up and my cough to worsen. But no. My back sinuses still have problems, and my cough sounds loose and ugly, but I’m not gasping for air through a blocked off nose. Already I want T to cancel Wednesday’s band rehearsal. He shouldn’t go. He’s been sounding very bad since our last rehearsal and he’s still not recovered. Plus, I’m lazy. And I have another fysio at 8 am on the day, so I’m not looking forward to being up early and staying up late.

After 2 days of having to be up early for appointments and deliveries, I slept in today. And boy! I mean it. Did not get up until after 11 am, so I clocked in 12 hours. And I feel like I could go right back to bed. Hm. Maybe T isn’t the only one too ill to go to band rehearsal…

It is wet. Wet and windy. This is storm Babet. Saw pix of Ireland. Whoa! Lots of flooding over there. Which means their roads will be washed out and there will be no way out in some areas. I had to open the door for my deliveries yesterday and was surprised to see quite a bit of water standing just outside the door. T says it’s building up down on the ground floor, too. We actually had ‘downpours’ in the forecast. I’ve never seen that before. Showers, rain, even thunderstorms, but never before ‘downpours’. That’s new. And if we have standing water in Rotterdam, there are places in NL that have flooding. Absolutely. Even if I haven’t seen articles on it.

Wow. So how do you get the war in Ukraine off the front page? Start a war in Israel. Yeah, that’s a petty statement. But it’s true. We’ve had demonstrations supporting Palestine here R’dam. And Den Haag and Amsterdam and probably other, smaller cities.

Got in our last 2 Hellraiser films. These 2 went straight to DVD and supposedly were only made to keep the franchise in the hands of the filmmakers. The first was really bad. A new Pinhead who not only didn’t look like Pinhead, he didn’t sound anything like Pinhead. And it totally ignored the original rules of the game. The second one was better. Much better. A better Pinhead, a fun story, some good additions. I approve. I especially approve of the twist that includes the idea that heaven permits ‘evil’ to flourish so that humans cling to their god. About time I hear that one! In my opinion, it’s only logical.

Here goes another weekend down the drain. I don’t expect to be able to do much. Not when I’m still sleeping 12 hours at a stretch. Still not smoking, either. Dropped that as my symptoms worsened and I’ve not started again. Really want to, but coughing hurts my head so I’m trying to stay away for as long as possible.

Speaking of my head… Holy hell! I never once imagined that the vast majority of my head pain was due to my back, but the night after my fysiotherapist cracked me I didn’t have to take any paracetamol at all. And the night before I was clutching my head, wishing I could cut it off because it hurt so very much. Needless to say, I’m really looking forward to my next appointment. And once again I’m vowing to never let it go so long between appointments. Again.

Oh, I want to feel better! I want my head to stop hurting once and for all. I want my cough to go away, I want more energy to do more things. Lately all I can manage is to get up and get to my damned chair. Probably not taking more than 50 steps all day long. In other words, I am SO inert I’m afraid I’m growing roots right through the seat of my recliner.

First, get rid of whatever this is that’s making T and I ill. Then I’ll get to the rest. Like, a shower. I feel like I stink.

Ugh. Maybe tomorrow.

All I feel up to

The house is ill. T’s got the worst of it. DAMN! I do not want to end up sounding like him! He’s been coughing and hacking his way through the hours like a chainsaw. I can’t even hear the tv over him. Even if I turn the tv volume up to 40. I am not nearly as ill. Not yet, anyway. And I hope I won’t fall even more ill over the next few days. We’ve had T’s green chicken soup for 2 days now. It’s just about gone, so I’m guessing we’ll need a bit more to see us through this. I’m pushing ACE drinks and water and simple rest. My head feels like it’ll explode at any point. My nose isn’t that stuffed up, but my head hurts like all get out. Even taking paracetamol.

Naturally, I have my fysio appointment on Wednesday. Early Wednesday. I’ll need an alarm to wake up in time. Today I slept for 10 hours and still feel tired. Really hoping I’ll be on the mend by then. Nothing worse than facing down when you’ve got a head cold. I want to get my back cracked, but I also want to breathe, you know? The two are sometimes incompatible.

It’s cold here. Turned the radiator on yesterday for the first time. It’s on again today, since we’re not expected to get warmer than 13C. Brr! Got so used to 20-22C. Even through the beginning of October it remained that warm. Now, suddenly, it’s dropped about 10 degrees and got real windy. I guess it had to happen at some point. It IS supposed to be our winter season, after all. We’ll see how cold we GET. I still half expect it to really freeze this year. Skating on the canals and snow on the ground cold.

*sigh* People are shits, aren’t they? You know what the world needs? An enemy. Something that could unite humanity against it. Without a common enemy, all we do is fight amongst ourselves. And we do a remarkable job forgetting every bit of our ‘humanity’ when we fight amongst ourselves. Give us a common enemy and all we do is think about humanity. But in fighting? Then we commit the most heinous atrocities to each other. And I’m not just talking about the Israel/Palestine issue. I’m including the Australian vote. I’m including the fact that Afghanistan has been hit by multiple earthquakes and most news outlets won’t even mention it. I’m talking about how we treat each other every day, on the street. I’m talking about the damned knife violence here. The explosions. The pushing, the shoving, even the football hooligans. All of it is building, and that should scare every single one of us. Because we’re headed for a big fight again. Another world war. Fighting here, fighting there, no one sure what to do or who to help or not help.

I haven’t quite made it to the ‘please send down the aliens’ plea to the Goddess, but I’m close.

T has noticed I’m watching horror non-stop. It IS Halloween month, after all. We’ve got loads of horror on our shelves, so now he’s into watching horror at night. At the moment, it’s Hellraiser in all its glorious incarnations. T found 2 films we don’t have in the Hellraiser series and ordered them in. They’re supposed to be here this week, so we began the big sweep. Ah, Pinhead! I really do like that character. He’s so…principled. Seriously. He’s got his rules on who he can take and who he needs to leave alone and he adheres to them. He’s a being of his word, which is rare enough these days. And yes: I’d date Pinhead because of the aforementioned. I know that’s weird, but I’ve always felt that way. Because even a principled demon is better than an unprincipled human.

Ach. My head aches and I’m damned tired. And I’m only a little ill. Which in some ways makes it worse, cause I feel like I should be able to get up and do more. T, of course, does not feel that way. In fact he got all mother hen clucking around me because I woke up with a cough today. And trust me: if you could hear how bad he sounds, you’d know how outrageous that is. But T also knows I take methotrexate every week AND enbrel injections, both of which dampen down my immune system. He knows all too well that I can be ill far longer than him because of the meds I take. He’s already mentioned concern over making our next band rehearsal.

We’ll see. I just want my head to stop hurting, damn it! I’ve got pain from the base of my neck, in back near my spine, and it wraps all the way around my forehead. Maybe I’ll get a cool cloth and just close my eyes while I listen to the tv. It’s all I really feel up to.

Hurrah for me

Did I ever really read this book before?

Dune, which should by all rights be called Arrakis, not Dune. I’m almost through the original book and still no one refers to the planet as Dune, only Arrakis. And WOW! Paul Atreides is a REAL dick. I think when I first read Dune I was enamoured by the Universe created. After all, Herbert doles out info about his Universe like a fucking dragon, begrudgingly allowing a tidbit to fall here or there. It’s all from Paul’s POV, and Paul is a secluded little shit that’s only been fed info through his mother and his teachers. He HAS no first hand experience like his father or grandfather. Only teaching and repeated warrior techniques. And what. a. shit. He totally uses the Fremen for his own desires, not really giving a fuck if THEIR dreams come true or not. By the time you get to where I am, he just brushes everything off by saying ‘I am the one in the prophecy’ and he expects everyone to be okay with that and shut the fuck up. He is not nice. At all. In any sense of the word. And Herbert’s ‘race desire’ to ‘mix the genes’ is so effing repellent I can barely get past those passages. Oh, you mean all you males are angry and want to rape every woman you come across, eh? That’s what you’re talking about: jihad and gene mixing. Rape. Let’s call it like it is, eh? You’ve got an entire series of books in this Universe now, and women are the lowest of the low. So all this grandiose ‘racial desire to mix and comingle the genes of the species’ is all just flowery language to say RAPE. And Dune’s Universe is full of it. Now, I peeked ahead. As I was arranging the books to read in my room, I opened up one and saw it supposedly takes place WAY in the future. When the first sentence read something like ‘Now that women rule the Universe…’. Aha. It takes something like 10 books to get there, but eventually it’s there. And I’ll bet it doesn’t work. But Herbert won’t blame the long years of men running things; no, it will be the fault of the women. I’ll lay odds on right now.

After all, it’s written by a man. Apologies to any woke dudes out there; I’m just calling it like I’ve seen it for the last ten or so millennia.

So. Earthquake stuff. I’m a bit…put off by the news coverage of it. One of the news outlets was following around a bunch of White Helmets. It showed them driving from one location to another. According to the voice over, they were ‘rushing to the next site’. But they drove through totally destroyed roads and neighbourhoods. Why did they have to move? What about all the people under all those buildings they passed by? Why isn’t anyone else asking these questions? I don’t understand.

I think I’m mentally prepped to have my hair cut. It’s difficult. Every time I think I’m there I catch a good look at my long, thick braid and I change my mind. It’s really a thing now that I’ve my braids out. It’s like I admire my hair twice as much as I used to. Brushing it out is no longer a drudgery, it’s a joy. I like how it feels, how it looks, how it hangs. But I’d like more curls in it. My curls are not strong. I can brush them out. And when my hair curls, it’s from the bottom and not the top. Now, a couple of things. For one, this is how my hair used to be when I was very young. Decades of dying my hair blond and perms and all sorts of chemicals made my hair not curl at all. It could hold a curl well, but it wouldn’t curl on its own. Now that I don’t colour it and don’t perm it and treat it with kid gloves, it curls. A little bit at least. I know the weight and length of it makes it difficult. It pulls my hair straight as well. So more layers cut into it will mean more curls. It’s just…oh, I don’t know. The heebie-jeebies, I guess. Having a difficult time with it, but I am determined to try and get my hair looking curlier.

Been waking up for a few days with headaches. I think it’s allergies. Been sneezing a LOT. It’s been getting warmer here day by day and I’ve seen plenty of crocuses and early flowers pushing up through the ground. Buds everywhere. An anti-allergy tablet does me a world of good during the day. But by the time morning comes ’round, I’m stuffed up and sneezing again and have yet another headache. Good Goddess! I’ve had enough headaches to last this life and the next.

Today it’s laundry and baking. Got to the gym Saturday. My foot still hurt, so I gently rode the stationary bikes. Good on me. It’s a good way to get some exercise without moving my foot around too much. Yesterday T and I went down to Markt Hall for a good meal. Yummy! I insisted on a place that gave away some free samples I just couldn’t get out of my mind. Had a great meal with soup and a pide, which is sort of a super thin crust pizza. It was a nice day and just getting out of the house was good for me.

Feels like I’m making progress. Slow progress, to be sure. But I’m gettin’ there. Waking up a little bit earlier these days. To me, that means that my exercise is taking effect. Good. I’m building my strength. I don’t need a nap after visiting the gym and I’m not totally knackered after activity. I even whipped out my Dutch yesterday at Markt Hall. Haven’t totally lost that.

So hurrah for me!

Schedule that in…

Some days (like today) I contemplate dying my hair totally snow white so maybe – maybe – other people will give way to me when I walk. So many people seem so damned willing to push me right off the sidewalk it’s mind-blowing. I’m not 20! I’m not trying to look 20 anymore, either! I know you see zero grey in my hair and probably zero lines around my eyes, but I’m older than you so fucking give me the benefit of the doubt and move the fuck aside for me. Trust me: between my back and hips, walking on uneven pavement hurts. Let me have the nice, even part of the sidewalk. You take the tilted half that goes down into the street.

FUCK!

Back from the dermatologist. My appointment was like the first of the day, so here it is not even 10 am and I’m back. Expecting a ping from my phone telling me to pick up some new ointment for my feet. *sigh* We’re gonna try this first. It’s supposed to be stronger than what I’ve had, and I have a printed schedule I have to stick to. And I’ll be going back in 12 weeks for a check-up. If things haven’t improved, the doc talked about a biologic medicine (ie, another injection I’ll probably have to give myself). Oh, I hope this creme works!

Yesterday I made the trek up to Den Haag to the IND (immigration). Lo and behold, I was given yet another ID card. Fu-u-u-uck. Again. My last card was correct. The solicitor told me so. Now I’ve a new card, with different language on the back and I’m pretty sure my solicitor will say this is wrong and we’ll have to do it all again, but the woman at IND wouldn’t let me keep my old card, so I’m stuck with it. All I can think of is the American woman I saw at the IND once. She was supposed to start a new job on Monday but didn’t have the correct wording on her ID card so she was there trying to get a temporary sticker on her card. If she didn’t have it by Monday, she was gonna lose her job. Considering IND has dicked me around for at least 6 months with a new card, I’m doubly glad I haven’t pushed hard to find a job. I would have lost it months ago because this keeps getting screwed up. The only bright spot yesterday was a new cafe that had opened in the train station. It featured Italian food, so I went there for a decent Italian coffee and was very pleased I did so. Other than that, I rode a lot of public transport and did some reading.

Tomorrow is band rehearsal. Again I’ve not done anything since last time. Really bad on me. Truth is, tho, with my feet hurting I haven’t wanted to. That and I just haven’t. At every rehearsal I get kind of jazzed and feel like ‘yeah, I’m gonna go home and tackle this or that’ and then the next day comes and figuring out songs is the last thing I want to do so I don’t do anything. Ugh.

Same thing happens with exercise. And cleaning. And a whole lot of other things that are on my list of ‘needed but not fun’.

At least the arm I got my booster-booster shot in doesn’t hurt anymore.

Right. So now my agenda says: make an appointment for blood tests, make an appointment to get my shots delivered, make an appointment for my hair. Next week I see my rheumatologist and my shrink and get a shit load of Xrays to see how me bones be doing.

My oh my! I really don’t know how I’ll be able to fit a job into my life. Not with all my doc visits.

News: I’ve heard an awful lot about how warm it is here in the EU. I guess that’s everywhere other than NL ’cause we’ve remained pretty cool and windy. And wet. Other stuff over here: I’ve seen an article about the right wing idiots here in NL. Just as stupid and mean as anywhere else. They remain, for now, a small portion of the elected officials. But out problems with immigrants continue. We’re still short on places at reception centers. And we have problems sending back people who sought refugee status but didn’t get it granted. The countries of origin don’t want to take them back and they’re not supposed to stay here but there’s nowhere else for them to go. The number of ‘safelanders’ (what they’re called here) is growing and no one knows how to deal with it. Our train service is in trouble. NS has been having problems for quite some time now but they just can’t seem to get out of it. Now there’s talk that they may lose their international services. We get a lot of trains in from the EU, so it won’t mean we can’t get to other nations. It will just mean we’ll be at their mercy as to the cost of tickets and have no representation to argue for lower costs or better protections for travellers. Everything about energy savings or costs is gone from the news. Even Ukraine is pushed down the page.

Headaches: getting them less often but they’re still a bitch when they hit me. My shoulders are making a lot more noise now. Crunch, crunch, crunch. It’s an audible snap when I rub those muscles. And now I get to feel that pain in my shoulder blades all the time rather than just when my therapist works on them. Ow. I need more paracetamol. But I guess it’s moving and finally getting out of my system?

Ugh. I’d better get going on my to-do list. So many appointments to make!

And I’d better write on my agenda to buy another agenda for next year. That little book is the only reason I’ve made all my appointments lately. I’m relying on it more and more. At first I barely wrote in it. Now, I check it almost every day. Some weeks (like this week) are full of appointments and things to remember.

But maybe first I trek over to buy some paracetamol ’cause DAMN! My head and shoulders hurt today. And maybe I should buy some soft pretzels. Haven’t for awhile ’cause T just got so much food in at once, but I could really use one today.

*sigh* I supposed I should schedule that in….

Force fed lessons

Wowie.

So my fysiotherapist spent most of our half hour together telling me how I need to listen to my body, how out of shape I am, how I have to start slower with my exercises, how I’m not still 20, etc. Upshot: I took him at his word. He recommended I do one day at the gym and two days off to recoup. I listened to my body and just stayed home. While my fysiotherapist snapped and rubbed my back until it didn’t hurt, I woke up the day after our appointment feeling a big pull in the same side that had been so bad. So I rested. Walked, gently, in small bits. It still hurt the day after that, so more rest, more bed exercises gently moving that area.

Friday I went for the warts on my foot. Ow. Now I’m monitoring my foot for the expected blisters. This has slowed me down, as well. I don’t want to walk a lot of my feet when I’m expecting blisters. And the warty areas did hurt for a day or two when I stepped down on that foot.

T is all over me, too. He’s seen me wince from back pain and he knows exactly what I’m going thru. So all I hear from him (other than his humming) is that I need to take it easy and not push.

*sigh* I’m not thrilled. I’d wound myself up to exercise at that level. It ain’t easy to get me there and I had to just drop it suddenly. But our days have been sunny and pleasant, for autumn, so I’ve taken walks outside for short distances. No stomach exercises, no free weights, no sweating.

Just out from the shower. Had to; I got stuff to do. Tomorrow the repair guy is supposed to come and replace our kitchen tap. Not sure what will really happen. He got here to measure the area and told me it would take around 4 hours because he was gonna replace our countertop as well as the tap. Told me he’d be here at 8:30 am and hoped he could do our kitchen, shower room and WC sinks all at once. Now he’s called T to tell him he won’t be here before 1 in the afternoon and he’ll only need about 2 hours. ??? I’m just hoping he won’t come at 1 and then remember how much he’s gotta do and expect to stay here working until it’s all done. For the first time in forever, T and I have plans tomorrow. He bought a couple of tickets to a comedy show (in English). We don’t need the repair guy trying to work until 9pm. We’ll miss our show. Guess we’ll find out what’s up tomorrow.

Gotta hit a bit of music today. Do some singing. Figure out what key I want to sing in. Ugh. T would make that a lot easier; just ask for the next key up or down and he whips it out. Me? I gotta check out T’s music theory stuff to make sure I don’t eff it up. But better to do it today. Wednesday I’m supposed to be makin’ music again.

Still haven’t sorted out November yet, either. Bad on me.

I won’t say anything about the news ’cause I haven’t been watching. Just letting it all go over my head and not affect me.

Been doing well on my new med levels. I no longer wake up with a jolt if I use my alarm clock. I no longer get wound up by the news (so far). I haven’t had problems muttering angrily. In fact, I’ve been amazingly calm and relaxed. It’s actually pleasant. I just go along every day, not getting angry like I used to. Amazingly freeing.

Headaches: I swear those rocks in my shoulders are still moving up to my brain and hurting me. For the first time in forever, I can actually rub my left shoulder and get some cracking sounds as I break up that hard old acid in my muscles. That’s great. Truly. I just wish my body could rid itself of that crap without hurting me.

And sometime this month I need to visit the salon I think can do my box braids. Let them see my hair, feel it, talk to them, and set an appointment. Figure out how much it’ll be and how long it will take. I’m really determined to get it done once and enjoy the look. Afterwards I might cut it all off. It IS really difficult to keep nice.

My rate of progress has definitely slowed. I can’t do the gym like I used to. My continued headaches slow me down all the time. My feet are slowing me down. I’ve gotta learn how to operate at this slower pace. I don’t know anything between zero progress and all out mania. ‘Slow and steady’ has never been my motto. I’ve tried; I just couldn’t do it. Now I’m being forced to slow down. Ach! If you don’t learn those lessons on your own the Universe WILL force it upon you.

Force fed lessons are the worst.

Nothing more

I swear my headaches are gettin’ worse these days. Which is weird, ’cause I’m doing the exercises my fysiotherapist told me to do. It’s almost like I’m loosening up those rocks in my shoulders and now I’ve got loads of stones floating up into my head, pounding and pounding at it. Ow.

Wow. Hit the shower today to do my hair with my new conditioner. First of all: DAMN! My conditioner has coconut oil and it’s really difficult to use the pump with my arthritic hands. Second of all: DAMN! I used twice the amount recommended, kept it on for the 3 minutes, and there was absolutely nothing that came out of my hair when I rinsed it. Nothing. My hair just sucked it all up.

NL is almost out of drought conditions. That’s how much it’s been raining on the regular lately. You can smell how happy the ground is outside. All those great autumnal smells just spring up at you. Temps remain in low teens during the day and single digits at night.

Ugh. So, me and T. A bit of background: T bought all of Castle for the house, ’cause we both like Nathan Fillion and Castle is just a good run for us to have. However, T caught me out a bit because I’ve been watching episodes during the day and that includes the big tying episodes. He kinda bitched because I watched some of those bigger episodes during the afternoon. So I thought to myself: okay, I’ll take a break on it and picked up Moonfall. I swear to the Goddess, T walked in after shopping, saw the film on the tv, and then bitched at me because he was just thinking about Moonfall and maybe we should take a break from everything else to watch it. AAAARRRRRGH! I took the film out. But holy hell. I just can’t win. This happens every single damned time. He’ll head out, having said nothing about wanting to watch this or that, and I’ll put it in for an afternoon viewing and then he bitches ’cause we never watch these films at night anymore, and on and on and on. We also need to pee at the same time, shit at the same time, walk down small hallways (opposite directions, of course) at the same time… Little wonder people think we’re some weird fraternal twins. That kind of sync is annoying. But it ain’t like we can help it. Even if we try to fake the other out and change things up, we do it. Always.

News: Russia. Or Ukraine. Depends on which story you want to tell. I personally find it amazing that the west has so much material of people voting in ‘sham elections’, yet day after day we see nothing from the opposing point of view. I was quite interested in the statement made at the UN, that the people who want to be part of Russia in the disputed territories have suffered at the hands of Ukrainian patriots. Of course that’s going on. Of course it is. But we deny that shit. Immediately when it was said, there were newscasters calling it lies and propaganda. And I really doubt that it was all lies or propaganda. Americans, for the most part, have very little contact with Ukrainians. On the other hand, here in the EU, Ukrainian gang warfare has been around for a long time. Trust me: five years ago running into a Ukrainian meant they were shady, thieves, and liars and you’d do well to avoid all contact with them. But let’s forget about all of that now, eh? I can’t. And neither can some of the eastern states of the EU. They’re not allowing Russians fleeing the draft to come into their country. NL is and most of the west is, but not the east. They’ve had loads of trouble from Ukrainians for years. Decades. There are calls for a uniform approach by the EU but I don’t think that will happen. This may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. It’s a matter of jurisdiction. Similar to the jurisdiction problem facing the US and NY’s lawsuit against 45. Jurisdiction. Or the right to rule. Which for man (and I use the nomenclature specifically) comes down to who’s the biggest, baddest bully on the block. A matter of brute force. Always. You can argue for forever; eventually man will take it to violence. It’s what man does when logic lets him down.

And yeah: I’m violent. I know that. I’ve always felt I had to be. And as a woman, I think I can make that argument.

…Or maybe that’s just my cop out.

I honestly don’t know anymore.

I mean… Dr T got me to admit the other day that I couldn’t look up to my sister. I hate her. And I didn’t like my mother at all, so the only role model I could look up to was my father. As soon as those words left my mouth, a lot fell into place. My tomboy-ness. My lack of femininity. Just a lot became clear to me. I don’t know how to be a ‘traditional’ female because I hated the traditional female role models I had. Thought they were the worst thing possible. Was determined to never be anything like them. So… you get me.

*sigh* No wonder I’m so damned awkward.

… I didn’t want to walk into some earth-shattering damned epiphany today. No, no, no. I want my hair to dry and be soft and manageable. I want my headache to go away. I want my feet to stay warm. And if you can throw in some good entertainment so I’m not bored, well that’s icing on the cake, baby. That’s all I wanted. That’s all I asked for.

Nothing more.

Anything

Autumn is unmistakeable. The snap in the air at night. The frequent rain (yes, rain!). Every year I get a kick out of it and fall in love with fall all over again.

My hands are itching today. Getting a psoriasis breakout on my palms. Again. The itching is BAD this time and of course I’m trying really hard to satisfy my need to scratch while simultaneously keeping my nails off the area so I don’t break the blister and have a mess (literally) on my hands. I’ll reiterate again how good honey is for this condition. Had a blister on my thumb which was VERY inconvenient and got banged twenty times a day. Finally just bandaged it with honey. Low and behold, the area healed within 24 hours, it’s soft and pliable, and I have zero pain or problems after one application. It makes me think that I should do another honey application on my feet. But I’ll tell you: taking off adhesive from the bottom of my feet made me pretty squirrelly. It kind of tickled and it felt REALLY weird and I just don’t want to do it again. Probably should put myself thru it, tho.

My latest purchases for my hair are coming in. Found my night-time hair caps in my mailbox this morning. Two silk caps that should handle all my hair and were listed as the most popular on the site. Today I should be getting the conditioner and argon oil spray. I hope. My hair is frizzy and my skin needs the moisture from the argon oil as much as my hair.

If I were the Goddess, I would have struck down the church the Queen was interred in. I would have hit that place HARD as soon as their religious leader got up and said ‘We humbly ask you…’. Humbly? There’s nothing humble about this two week hub-bub for the Queen. In fact, it is the LEAST humble thing I have ever seen in my life. Man! Nothing tells me the gods are just kicking back and letting us do our thing like shit like that. It SO deserved a few lightening bolts! And so does Charles for being such a twit as to say he’s a self-made millionaire. Yeah, you made three million after being supported by the people for all your fucking life, you loser! Goddess! Why are the Windsors still alive? You’ve GOT to be falling down on the job. There is no other explanation for it. I’m just fed up with it. Once again, the BBC knocks their entire schedule off the board as soon as this happened. I know it’s petty, but like I care about the Queen! I’ve lost 2 episodes of my show because they were canned in an emergency move to broadcast the Queen’s death 24/7 and I know in my gut they won’t re-show those two episodes because if I lived in the UK I could access the lost episodes on the BBC site but OF COURSE I can’t because it’s only available in the UK and the internet is NOT open nor free. Grr!

Here in NL: We’ve been having GREAT weather, and I mean that! A bit of sun and some rain every day. The kind of temperature that lets cold air come into your room at night so you fall in DEEP sleep. Absolutely wonderful. Wishing it would stay like this for the rest of the year. Have caught some stories online stating that fewer and fewer people are willing to take another booster shot, which means the danger for higher infection rates in autumn is a real thing. It’s stalled me out from heading over to the gym to re-start my membership. I already paid them for about 6 months while I didn’t feel I could go over there or they were just shut from lock down. I don’t need to start paying them just before we get another lock down or the infection rates are so high I don’t want to take chances at the gym. Nope. We’ve still got problems with farmers, who are trying to continue protesting by shutting down roads. The police are pushing back on that, arresting farmers who cause problems on the freeways and roads. And the entire buy out scheme of the gov’t is having a lot of problems, so it’s a hot issue. And nobody trusts the gov’t anymore. Reports are the Dutch gov’t is suffering from a lack of trust like never before.

T unloaded on me yesterday. I invited it. He was wound up and jittery. As uneasy as I’ve ever seen him. So I got an earful. More than an earful. Little wonder it was a huge snowball to him. He bounced from one worry to another, barely stopping for breath. I kept bringing him back to square one, calming him down, and giving him a few ideas he found helpful. He needs help marketing his book. The PR company he’s been working with haven’t got back to him and he’s just hitting dead end after dead end. Now I have to spend time on thinking for him. Where to hit, how to hit, what to advertise, and where. I didn’t really want another thing to work on. But here it is.

I managed to get stuff done yesterday. Two big loads of laundry done. I finally took out the hoover and got around most of the house. Not all, but most. And I gathered up and took out glass and paper recycling. T was happily shocked by all my sudden work. I’m…okay with it. Trying to catch up on the stuff I’ve let go for so bloody long. Not hurting myself in the process, either. Today I want to hit some music and language.

I hope I’m making a difference. It’s difficult to tell.

What’s even more difficult is just getting my ass in gear and doing stuff.

Headaches: Still get them. They seem to hurt a bit more these days, like the exercises and movement I’ve begun doing is loosening up all the shit in my shoulders and making it hurt all the more. Also, I’ve been feeling pain along my spine between my shoulders. That’s where it hurt when my fysiotherapist worked on me. Now it just hurts. I guess that means things are ‘improving’?? I’m allowing myself to use paracetamol again when it gets really bad.

Got up early today in case anything was delivered with the sun. Of course, nothing is or was delivered early. And I gotta hang out today because at some point, my stuff is supposed to show up. So I’ll work on music a bit and language a bit. Both stuff I gotta just sit here and DO. It’s a good way to pass time. And with luck I’ll make some progress. Maybe master a difficult musical passage or learn a new Dutch word. Something.

Anything.

Me and my opposing mind(s)

Morning. There’s only 20 minutes left, but it still counts.

Music last night. Finding myself more and more relaxed each rehearsal, which leads to more fun. The guys think I’m pretty funny. I tend to celebrate loudly when I get something right for the first time. Do a little dance and wave my arms about. T’s used to it, but the other two aren’t. It doesn’t stop me. If anything, their laughter eggs me on. I enjoy playing the clown now and then. And I really like making people laugh. So I did okay. Made mistakes, naturally. I’ve tried several incarnations for Fleetwood Mac’s Don’t Stop but honestly the guys play it so fast nothing is working. Not yet, anyway. Back to the drawing board on that one.

Made a mistake with the entire language test thing. I took a look at the schedule out on the national site and misread it. Thought it said there would be a test in December, which was what I was gonna aim for. What was actually on the page was that the November test results would be released in December. There is no test in December. And the November tests are right around my b-day. AND the sign up for the November tests is today. All of which led me to say ‘nope’. Waiting ’til January. Meantime, I’m beginning to look at the test exams. Ugh. My head is so un-used to Dutch right now! I began listening to a test listening exam and was just lost within 5 minutes. Lots of work to do. Told T about my mistake. His response? Please don’t do the tests right by your birthday! Nope. Wasn’t planning to. But now I have to keep an eye on sign up dates and all the rest.

Saw my physiotherapist who began to work on my headaches right away. Ouch! Usually when he works it’s a good hurt, the kind I want him to push harder on. Not this. He touched my spine between my shoulder blades and it HURT, like, ow! stop doing that! hurt. So we’ve work to do. He said the area is really tight. I’ve new movements and exercises to do and another appointment in 3 weeks. The headaches themselves are touch and go now; one minute I’ll be fine and the next I’ll feel pain. So they’re receding, and that’s good.

Feet: well…I’ve still got two of them, so that’s not bad. Still peeling but looking better. I think.

News: Ugh. Don’t even bother. It’s too difficult to get past all the Queen stuff. I agree that it’s the end of an era. Absolutely. But I don’t get people who queue up for hours all night long to pass by the coffin. I really don’t. And this is probably in really bad taste, but… How long do we give Charles before he kicks it? You just know he’ll die quickly after waiting so long for ‘mummy’ to give up the throne. Especially if he doesn’t return the Koh-i-Noor diamond. That thing is cursed, or it’s supposed to, for men. And… Can I do a reality check here? I remember ages and ages ago, when Charles divorced Diana. At that time, it was all in the news that Charles was automatically by-passing the throne due to the divorce. It was understood that the crown would pass to Charles and Diana’s eldest son when the Queen kicked it. I don’t know when I swapped realities. Does anyone else remember this point? Gods. And because I don’t follow royal gossip I can’t pin the timing down. This may be one of the outcomes of a reality shift that T and I just suspected occurred. If we have no proof up front it’s hard to tell if we’re paranoid or correct. I guess at least one of the times we were correct.

Been learning so much while watching YouTube vids lately! Good Goddess! You know what I really needed when I was younger? A friend who was also black. OMG. I’m learning how to control my frizz and lay down my edges (I know what that means now!) and just take care of this hair. All my life (not kidding), stylists told me my hair was unique. Oh, it sucked in so much conditioner! Oh, it’s so thick! Oh, half your hair is tight kinks, do you know that? I suppose it IS unique on a white girl. It’s NOT unique in the universe. I just needed to hear how others take care of these problems. On my to buy list now: a really good natural oil to promote scalp health and moisture retention, a strong hair gel and edge brush, a moisture retentive mousse, a really good conditioner, and a silk hair net/scarf big enough to handle my long hair. Oh, I KNOW I said I’d only get two box braids put in, the two in back I try to do for myself. I said that. But I’m just dyin’ to get extensions put in and no knot braids. They look SO cool! And my hair is already so long it’s touching the top of my butt again. So I could get braids down to my knees. Maybe I’d never do it again, but I’d like it once in my life. So I guess that decides it for me. I’ll get it done. I may never have this hair again. You never know what’ll happen.

And you know what my first thought is? Gee, Beeps…That just gives everyone a really good weapon to use against you, you know. Grab for that hair and they can turn you around and do just about anything.

Ugh. Me and my opposing mind(s).

I didn’t even have to get up

Between maternity leave and coronavirus it’s been 2 years since I’ve seen my GP. Good to see her. She even took a few moments just to catch up with me.

My feet: My GP suspects I’ve a fungal infection on top of my psoriasis problem. She gave me a second creme to put on my feet every day. I’ve 2 weeks to see a difference and then I have to check in. Either I’m going to the dermatologist again or it’ll be cleared up.

Went ahead with my honey application. A full 12 hours with bio honey on my feet. Difficult to say whether or not it helped. I’ve still loads of skin peeling off, but now the skin is soft so I guess that’s an improvement. It was really stiff and hard, which made it painful. It’s just really ugly now. It certainly didn’t hurt my condition at all.

Headaches: mentioned to my GP about my headaches and how I think the last doc was right when she said it was tension headaches. Told my GP about some of the new stretches I’ve been doing for my neck. She nodded approvingly and told me to talk to my fysiotherapist about doing some deep tissue work to help me. I could use it. The muscles on the sides of my neck are like stone. I can get a wee bit of relief when I stretch and rub them, but it soon comes back. I need help. And if my fysiotherapist can’t do it I’ll ask him who on his team can. Fysiotherapy comes under the heading of health insurance for me. I can get some treatments without paying anything extra.

Finally had thunderstorms last night. BOOM! Wow! Great lightning and thunder. Passed by too quickly, but I stayed awake during the heat of it to enjoy the sounds and light show.

And success!! My durag was still on my head this morning and I didn’t wake up every 10 minutes to readjust it, either. I’ve got to triple knot it. Take the bands once around my head, knot it, take them around again and double knot it. Effing HURRAH!! Now that I’ve figured out how to keep it on my head I can really think about spending some money on my ‘do.

Is anyone else NOT surprised by the new UK PM? The UK has a strong history of electing women to power after the men have totally fucked up the country. That way, if things continue to go badly, they can blame women as a blanket thing and just go back to being the schmucks they are. Plus, I think Brits have a real inset belief that when things go to shit all they want is their mummies. In my opinion, Liz Truss was absolutely predictable. And they’ll let her muck around, to succeed or not. Either way, the men have covered their asses with the populace. THEY won’t be to blame for anything that happens from here on out. And trust me: the UK’s problems are just beginning. I predict that within 4 years (probably within 3), the UK will begin to beg qualified immigrants to come back and fill all those positions they left. It will take them that long to realise they can’t bring up enough medial staff or IT staff to do it themselves. The Brits are a bit slow on the uptake, if you haven’t noticed.

News, as it is: Here in NL, the nitrogen problem is topping the headlines along with how much energy we now have for winter (80% of what we need). Schipol airport is in the news; workers there are on strike and we’re now being told that inspectors haven’t followed up on work conditions for the last 12 years. Our national train service is striking, too. But here, unions announce planned action way in advance so we can all plan around it. My area – the Randstad – will be hit by strikes soon. Won’t make much difference to me ’cause it doesn’t affect the metro, only the trains. But all public transport will be busier. I see zero articles on fires in the EU. Absolutely nothing. T and I saw a very strange phenomenon last night during the t-storms. It looked like the clouds were raining down red. That’s the only way I can put it. Like the last red rays of the sunset were suddenly raining down from the clouds. We guessed it was an after-effect of the fires, that the clouds have picked up various chemicals from all that burning and we’re seeing it in that weird looking storm. Must say, it was weird. We half expected a giant UFO to pop out from behind the storm clouds. Article today stating we have a serial killer on the loose. Well, it didn’t say THAT, exactly, but it should. The article actually says that someone has been killing people in nursing homes by shooting them up with insulin. They have no suspects at all. Thus far, they’ve found 3 bodies with insulin overdoses. I think it takes 4 to officially be a serial killer, so… What? We’re waiting to say that? Whatever. A definite pattern has emerged.

I’m giving up on CNN. I wasn’t that big a fan before this, but now… Now I just can’t take it anymore. All these journalists are in Afghanistan, talking to women and the Taliban about women’s roles and rights in the country. Meanwhile, American women are being as restricted in their human rights as any woman in Afghanistan, but no one is saying that. Let’s just sweep that under the rug, right? Such fucking hypocrisy!

Next week I see my fysiotherapist. My feet are being treated with the new creme as I sit here typing away. The weather has cooled off and I don’t feel so crazed. I have finally jumped ahead with progress. Yea! I can tell my feet are on the mend, my fysiotherapist is gonna help me feel better, and I’ll start to make real, weekly progress on both music and language.

And I didn’t even have to get up from my chair.