Set out yesterday with a plan. Head over for my blood tests, then stop at the bookstore to look for something new to read, swing by for some smoke, and head home. I’m here to say I got it all done. Even more: I walked up 6 flights of stairs due to broken escalators or full lifts. Everything hurt when I got home. But I got back with my blood drawn (and a growing bruise on my arm), three books bought at a good price, and smoke. Plus, I didn’t nap afterwards.
Gotta say this. We have Euronews on tv right now. There’s a presenter on that outlet that I can’t see on screen without screaming out ‘eat something!’. I thought Benedict Cumberbatch was a streak of thin man. Cumberbatch looks downright healthy and fat next to this dude. His chest is so sunken in that it seems like he’s always got rounded shoulders. But I don’t really think it’s his shoulders. It’s his sunken chest that’s pulling every bit of him in, like some black hole is hidden behind his solar plexus. Goddess!
Are fat people usually evil? That’s my question today. Watching Torchwood in the eves, on the last series. So Fat Man from Seinfeld and Jurassic Park is his usual Fat Man who’s evil and mean and terrible in every aspect of humanity you can think of. I’ve seen this a lot. Fat equals evil on screen. And I have a fat sister who is VERY evil. Evil incarnate, if you ask me. So are the two linked? Are those happy go lucky nice fat people you occasionally meet the aberration? All I know is that I have real thing about being ‘fat’, and it isn’t just looking a certain way or carrying around so much weight.
I blame the media. Why not? Everyone else uses them as a scapegoat. I don’t have to stand out from the crowd and NOT use that excuse. Media representations – from ads showing homes far too clean to women draped over cars – shape a lot of the world whether or not we’ll admit it. Fat people are evil in films. Sex is the be all and end all. Children are a blessing (still can’t swallow that one, but then, I was raised by C). America is the good guy on the world scene. Over and over, blatant and subtle, we’re hit by that shit non stop. And one more thing about the media. I now feel like my home is invaded by porn every time I see an ad for women’s lingerie. It’s pretty over the top, with women in only bras and panties giving the camera that ‘fuck me’ look while half bent over. But I feel it. My home is invaded by porn every damned time that ad comes on and I am totally, absolutely, disgusted by it. Changing the channel only brings up brightly coloured toys geared to this or that sex. Toys that use zero imagination when you play with them, so obviously they’re used a bit and then hit the garbage bin ’cause toys that use zero imagination aren’t very fun at all.
Oh. One last thing. Showing me the ‘historic footage’ of everyone signing a climate agreement 20 years ago, which NO ONE has adhered to since giving it lip service, does not help my mood.
News: I’ve been seeing snow in Canada and Spain. We were supposed to get colder, but even that has moved on without touching us. NL is in springtime: temps in the mid teens every day, sunshine, a bit of nightly rain, some wind but nothing too much. Warnings are out for allergy sufferers and the gov’t is watching for an overabundance of pests this summer. Sexual misconduct is big in our news. Four men from a tv show called The Voice are being prosecuted after years of misconduct. NL is pretty fucking light on sex crimes. They still have that ‘boys will be boys’ attitude which is so fucking toxic. Also in the news are temporary housing measures. NL needs more housing right now. Their fix is to put up ‘temporary housing’ in areas that aren’t listed as residential. But their temporary housing is gonna be up and active for 15 to 20 years. That’s a whole lifetime for someone. And hardly ‘temporary’. But municipalities are reluctant to implement the plan, so everyone is warned that if the locals can’t decide where to put this stuff the national government will make the choice and we’ll just have to live with it. And it isn’t like the locals want this shit near them. The gov’t isn’t saying exactly who will be housed there: refugees, people with mental challenges, recently divorced people, spouses from abusive relationships, or newbie married people who want to buy a place. That’s a big mix of people with a big mix of additional baggage attached to them, no matter what group you’re talking about. Other: still having problems with baggage handlers at Schipol. The strike is over for now, but we have daily warnings that they could walk out at any time if their demands aren’t met. It’s all about pay, as far as I can tell. Then it’s sports and international news that has nothing to do with NL.
Tomorrow is King’s Day. Fun. Will dig out something orange to wear. It’s the national colour and you can’t live here without getting at least ONE thing that’s orange for King’s Day. Everything goes orange tomorrow. Orange banners, orange wigs, orange food and drinks, orange. Been hearing T practice; he’s sounding good. I’ll probably sing along with him on several songs. Not on stage, just from the audience. He’s doing some songs I like. It’ll be fun to get out for it. Been several years. And I’ll meet his new student and see a bit of his band. Plus, it’s all close to home and I can be back in my chair within 10 minutes. A perfect day out for me.
Those big muscles on the outside of my thighs really hurt. And I’m gonna make them hurt again today when I go back out for more walking. Haven’t broken thru that barrier yet; still just tired after walking. But I am persistent. Keep telling myself it will come. I’ll get back that strength.
Heard from my friend S. Have been thinking of her recently and was pleased to see a short note to me in my inbox, asking how I was. I spent more time double thinking my answer than actually answering it. At first I was gonna go off, give her a long reply. But then I thought about it; she told me she’s prepping for the end of her studies right now and that just didn’t seem appropriate when she faced so much work. Plus, her message to me was short. Short and sweet, but short. So I kept my reply about the same length. Light, happy, and short. It would never do for my friend B; she and I go in-depth in our messages to each other. But with S, who’s at least 25 years younger than me, I felt it was a good idea. I’d like to remain in touch with her, but if she feels like she gets a huge dump on her every time she contacts me we won’t remain friends for long. Light and breezy. Leave the deeper talk for later, when we meet in person or when she brings it up or whatever.
Every day I can see the leaves on the trees a bit more. I’d guess within a week we’ll be at full leafiness. Full bloom? Is there a full bloom for leaves? Seems like there should be. Anyway, looks to me like they’ll all be out of their buds soon. We’re ‘open’ for now (with plenty of warnings about another wave hitting us by autumn). In fact, yesterday looked more like pre-pandemic than I’ve seen. Was in the downtown area and big shopping strips. Lots of people out and about, many with small packages from this or that place. But I still saw a LOT of empty shopfronts. And I saw some shops that, although open, remained totally empty of customers. I suppose much of what will come depends on how tourism goes this summer. Early reports are that we don’t have the bookings to shore up all our problems. It will be another bad year for many people. Even the Dutch don’t seem to want to holiday in NL.
Not gonna bother with much of any plan because things just go hay wire when I do that. I’ll settle for a generalised idea of what I’d like to try to accomplish today. Which, when I distil it down, comes to one word: walk. Still have to push my body. C’mon endorphins! Where the fuck are you? Feels like I should put an ad in the local paper: desperately seeking endorphins. Think it might work? Yeah, me neither.
Meanwhile, I’ll keep on keepin’ on. There’s gotta be an end to this, right? A time when I get stronger and feel stronger. A time when the fog in my brain is cleared up and I can think straight again without having to sit down and force it from me. A time when my ass and thighs and tummy are all smaller and less bother. I’m counting on it coming. Showing up. Being there for me.
Please, don’t let me down.
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