I Do Need to Shave My Legs…

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Horror of horrors.

I am in need of a new bra; down to one that’s starting to poke me – ladies, you know the drill. Needed to find the measuring tape, ’cause I know the swimming has tightened my upper body. So, I found the tape. And measured. $%!* Too embarrassed to share my actual measurements, but if my chest is a 1, my stomach is a 1.2 and my hips a 1.4, *shudder* I’m a pear shape, I’ve always been a pear shape, and I hate it so much! If my upper body were just bigger I wouldn’t look so FAT. As it is, I have this smallish upper body and then expand as you go down. AARGH!

I know; it’s just a number. Still, to find out that my stomach is now as wide as my hips were 10 years ago is really a kick in that flabby middle section. It’s also real hard to keep on the positive side and tell myself I’m not all that fat when I know the cold facts. I’ve currently got an extra 13 inches on my waist. 13 fucking inches. Jeez, that’s a lot of abdominals I’m looking at. And why did all my weight go to my stomach this time? Usually I gain weight all over pretty evenly. Not this time! I grew my gut, and shit! That scares the fuck out of me. All my aunts and uncles had the apple shape: slimmish upper body, huge protruding stomach (HUGE!) and then down to rather spindly legs. No. Seriously, no. I will not let that happen to me. It’s down to the floor to exercise, today and enough tomorrows to just stop it from happening. Brr! You have no idea how much that body type haunts me.

Well, today is gonna be tough. If I let it be. If I MAKE it be. Yeah. I could plan my day right now, and part of my head is doing it already. Finish up this post, then hit the floor to exercise followed by at least an hour long brisk walk. Push. If I let myself, I’d act like I could take the entire 13 inches off my waist TODAY if I only worked hard enough. Instead, I must re-commit to my original plan. Keep doing what I’m doing: walking, swimming, watching my calorie intake. Remain calm, human. This weight was put on over a couple of years. It’s gonna come off over a couple of years. Ugh.

..Remember my comments on how my brother and I are always in each other’s way? Yeah. So guess what he came home with yesterday. Delicious edibles. Right on the heels of my fatness crisis. Oh, jeez. And one of my real weaknesses: Greek food. Kalamata olives, black as the darkest night imaginable, and fresh tiro with herbs and just the right amount of bite on it. Oh, goddess. I kept back to one small pita bread, some tiro, and a few olives. It was really difficult. I just wanted to pig out and eat it all.

I gotta change up my eating habits. Lately I find myself eating because it’s time to eat. I’m not terribly hungry when I DO eat, and I just don’t find that healthy or pleasurable. Somethin’s gotta give. Maybe a day fast is in order. I’ve found it a good way to re-set my hunger clock. I drink juices so it’s not REALLY fasting, I guess, but I think we in the western world are so used to food being everywhere and available at all hours that just cutting out solids is a huge change up. Besides, I be an old woman. I need my juice. *waves cane menacingly*

Hope to turn on the studio for an hour today and get the recordings I want done. Checked everything yesterday: levels, trims, general volume and mix, input level on the DAT. We’re a go on dat shit. Gonna do a club remix as we’ll; I don’t know which version will sell well nor what will sound best coming out of shitty computer speakers. I just gotta follow my instinct, do what I think works, and get it all the way around to hear it myself. And btw, when I say ‘all the way around’, this is what I mean: When I’ve got the mixes I want recorded on DAT (digital audio tape) I then have to transfer them to CD. Then the CD has to burn or finalize. Then I gotta take the CD into an old computer. Open up each song in editing software, cut off the 4 count and the empty space around the actual song, and save it as a new version. That version has to be opened again in iTunes before I can transfer it to a memory stick and get it to my computer, where I can load it up and hear it. None of it takes too long, but all of it is a drag. This is the point I envy people who work on computers. They’ve got it right there, right away. I’ve been working for months on these mixes and I don’t know what any of them really sound like. Getting antsy about it.

Made more decisions. Yeah, we all make decisions all the time but these are the decisions you spend time thinking about, you know? As far as music goes, I had been planning to keep working through my unreleased techno pieces. That plan has been canned, man. I don’t know that techno is gonna sell out on the platform I’ll be working on, so it seems foolish to spend another several months mixing stuff that might never sell. Better for me to keep focused, and move onto the songs I’ve actually WRITTEN for the new project. They’re specifically aimed at a target, and I’m confident I’ll see some good sales from them. I realized I should put my techno out there, and if it sells I can then go back and remix the rest of my stuff. If it just sits there, I won’t waste anymore time with it. I’ll just cut to my club mixes. After almost a year of listening to my roughs, I know precisely what I want to do. Then I can get them mastered and out on the market on iTunes. As for the bio pic the magazine wants, I’m sending out an old picture of myself when I was about 10. It’s a picture I don’t like to share or own: I have very prominent buck teeth, and I’m a pudgy kid. I think it’s appropriate for my new writing persona. SHE owns everything. She’s writing from that ugly side of life, so I can give her what I feel is my ugliest picture from when I looked the most ugly. It’s bloody poetic, and drama queen that I am, I like being poetic.

Oh, my! Just got a mash up flash of myself. The picture above does it justice: the imbalance between the girly tutu and the rather LARGE and hairy body says it all about me this morning. Ha! Well, I do need to shave my legs…

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