I am old. Old enough to bitch about current trends, and bemoan my lack of understanding over the newest app on the market. I’m okay with that. But I’ll give the internet one thing that’s superior over the time before the internet: it makes bitching at people a hell of a lot easier.
Just off a scathing email to Heineken beer. This is a Dutch company, so I feel particularly watchful over it and more than qualified to speak the hell up. Complaint: the use of “Heineken Girls”. This sexist marketing must stop. Ah! Now that’s what the internet is good for: fast anger, fast action. Popped over to Heineken’s site, used the contact page, told them how terrible their marketing campaign is. Poured it out in English because it’s an international company and someone there should be proficient in it. Besides, even Roald Dahl doesn’t use the words I needed for that email, and I didn’t want my comments to be tossed aside because of poor grammar.
And yes, I’m very aware I’m becoming that stereotypical older person, shooting off angry letters to companies, bitching about the noise from kids, ignoring most current trends because they’re all just so damned silly to me. You know what? It’s comfortable.
I have decided to remain silent on auditions. If I’m truly giving up control, then give up control. Auditions are called by the director and the board. That’s what they do. That’s what they’ve always done. They do not need me needling at them to do it. I’ll continue to work on getting back to a routine for my health. I’ll continue to peck away at the tech notes. And if mid-May comes and there’s still no auditions called, I’ll ask about them. But not yet.
Got up yesterday and took a shower. Yea! The Universe was with me on that: hot water aplenty in the building. And standing under it -! I felt all the days of inaction slide off me. It was more than refreshing; it was rejuvenating. Got downtown for my errands. I contemplated wandering around, looking at stuff. Two things stopped me: lack of money, and the crowds. So I came back home. Did some internet searches to expand my mind. Chilled. Paced and talked aloud.
And did four full drying rack’s worth of dishes all by myself.
Finished Esio Trot (or ‘Ieorg Idur’ in Dutch). Only took two sittings. It was short and had lots of pictures, but I’m proud of myself. That was a fast read with really high comprehension. That makes nine Dutch books I’ve read so far this school year. Some of my classmates, btw, are still on their first book. I’m impatient for my head to finish making all the connections. I like the sparks I get – the sudden comprehension, catching new words, whatever. It’s too slow for me, tho everyone says I’m making great progress. But I know now that I’m reading so much, I’ll get there. Eventually.
Oh! For the first time in a very long time – maybe truly for the first time in my life – I had a positive reaction to my reflection in the mirror. The lift in our building has a mirror, one of the best I’ve got for seeing my full body. We’ve had really hot weather, so I dressed in cool clothes: a pair of dark grey harem pants and a T I haven’t wore in a while. It was more form fitting than I generally wear, and I was pleased with my appearance. I admired my ass. I liked the curve of my hips. In the 5 seconds it took to go from the top floor to the ground floor, I experienced a body revolution. I found myself attractive. It was…more powerful than I can put into words. I’m hanging onto that memory, that feeling. I like it.
Finding myself taking more time with me. Brushing my hair, brushing my teeth, even trying on one or two different tops to see what I look like before I leave the house. It’s been years since I’ve cared about doing any of that. Been taking care of my cuticles and nails. Thinking about purchasing a bit of make-up for special evenings out. Keeping in mind that in future when I shop, I should pick clothing a size smaller than I generally do. I’m tired of wearing bags for clothes. Tired of looking extra fat because everything is so large. I don’t have to look like that.
I don’t have to be that.
…Wow. I guess 10 mg does the trick. Or, let me rephrase that because I’m dissing my own action in that: 10 mg is enough to help me make that connection in my brain and see my own worth. I know finding my body attractive is a small step. I still don’t feel worthy of help. Or money. Or love, really. But…not repeating those old phrases to myself about how unattractive I am, how fat my ass is, how totally nothing I am in every way… That’s good. I’m told most people don’t do the things I do. They don’t wake up crying, they don’t obsess over their mistakes or the world, they don’t continually beat themselves up. No wonder you can hold jobs and have families and do a hundred extra curricular activities! You’ve got so much time on your hands when you’re not whipping yourself! Things are so much easier! You think: okay, I’m gonna go do this and you do it without interrupting yourself or getting caught up in some web of logic or paranoia.
I’ve still a long way to go, but…those things that I was bitching about last week, the take care of yourself shit that just seemed too big to tackle…I’m just doing it. Slowly picking it up. Doing it because I want to. Doing it because it’s easy.
The time has come for transformation.