Being a woman is not a curse

I watched Gone with the Wind yesterday. Saw it with new eyes.

When I was young, GWTW was a film my mother took me out of class to go and see. I fell in love with Rhett Butler, as so many young girls probably did, and was heartbroken when C told me he was dead. But the story captured my young heart. I could relate to Scarlett. Totally. And I remember those days of using my femininity to manipulate men. I wasn’t very good at it. In fact, I had a chance to be an old dying man’s last fling to whom he would leave all his money and I just couldn’t do it. I did play extra helpless when confronted with a flat tyre to make sure some guy would come along and do it for me. And I did play on my ‘wiles’ to the male authority. Bosses. Cops. I found out early that a smile and a wink could get me many things I couldn’t afford in any other manner. So Scarlett’s entire coquettishness (what a great word!) was entirely relatable to me. And I saw what Hollywood wanted me to see: a romance.

I don’t see it that way anymore.

What I saw yesterday was a film based on a young, smart woman being caught in a web of sexism that got her no matter what she did. Scarlett had to grow hard to get herself, her family, and those dependents who stayed on Tara through that time alive. She becomes a savvy businesswoman, earning far more than her doddering husband ever could. And she’s dissed for it no matter what. Rhett physically threatens her on more than one occasion. And he leaves her repeatedly when she needs him. Ashley is just a wet towel. He doesn’t have any real strength, which Scarlett finally realises at the end of the film. But Rhett isn’t the answer, either. He’s a controlling male who wants Scarlett to be a child so he can spoil her. He even says that after they have a child together. But Scarlett isn’t a child. And moreover, she doesn’t want to be that child. She enjoys running her business. She likes being in charge. Rhett gives her some leeway in things, but in the end he condemns her as they all do. Good Goddess! I remember seeing Melanie’s death scene when young. All those nasty comments about Scarlett! Well, there sits Ashley, the cheating husband. You’re not saying anything to him about it. Apparently, he’s entirely innocent just because he’s male. It’s all Scarlett’s fault. That’s the way the scene plays.

That shouldn’t be the way the scene plays.

I have changed. A deep, lasting change. It’s not my hair colour or how I vote, it’s an entire way of seeing things. The patriarchy will never, ever have a hold on me again.

I was happy when the World Sports whatever decided that trans people, if they went thru male puberty, should be banned from women’s events. I was less happy to hear that naturally born women with high levels of testosterone are going to have to change their natural state to adhere to these ‘guidelines’ or rules or whatever. Sorry, but if a woman naturally has more testosterone than other women, that’s just a natural advantage like someone with longer fingers or someone who’s taller or shorter or whatever. Women are women. What we’re discussing here is the acceptance level of people who were NOT born women into the female arena. Why is it different? Primarily because of our parents. Or just society in general. But those that are identified by others as male when born are treated entirely differently than those that are identified by others as female at birth. I understand that we’re trying to close the gap on that, but we’re not there yet and I don’t believe allowing in transgenders is that way to equalise women to men in society as a whole. Let’s just deal with natural born females first, shall we? It’s only a problem we’ve been trying to address for thousands of years.

But Goddess! The most divisive questions once again come down to women. Women’s roles. What makes a woman. Women’s dress code. And it’s all under pressure from men. Because when men feel helpless, they take it out on the women around them. Fact. of. life. I have seen it over and over and over again. It happens in war, it happens in the family, it happen at all levels of society. Women are the first and last target of aggression and manipulation.

Makes me think all the men out there have really small penises. *sigh* Because when it comes to men, somehow their penis size is STILL the most important thing.

So often I’m discouraged. I’ll watch some comedy panel show and suddenly I’ll be angry because every single person on the show assumes a bus driver is automatically a dude. They never consider that it could be a woman. Never once. And it’s not like we’re talking about being CEO of a company here. We’re talking about bus drivers. But even at that level, men rule. Men always rule. And if I dare to bring it up, I’m wrong. I don’t have a sense of humour or I’m a man hater or whatever.

Just like Scarlett, I can’t win no matter what I do.

Which should tell you one thing: women’s issues haven’t changed all that much. It’s the same stuff Scarlett O’Hara faced during the American Civil War. Oh, the manner of it has changed, perhaps. Women are generally allowed a bit more leeway than during Scarlett’s time. But I still catch – in modern shows, no less – angry men yelling ‘shut up, woman!’ like woman is a curse word. Still. Do you understand how bad that is? It’s as bad as backhanding a woman. Hitting her across the face.

Being a woman is NOT a curse.

Some things stay the same

A word to any man thinking about committing suicide in order to draw attention to the plight of women in ANY country: FORGET IT!. Okay, I guess that was two words. Nonetheless, the comment stands. Your suicide does not help any woman anywhere. In fact, the end result is this: you’re leaving those same women behind to face their fates without your help. It is the single most egotistical and patriarchal thing you could ever do. Shame on you, from here to eternity! Stay and fight for women. Don’t check out like a little chicken shit and leave the women alone with all the assholes who will continue to persecute and use them. This Iranian guy who committed suicide shouldn’t be in the news. Or if he IS in the news, it should be with all I just said. That he was weak, he did NOTHING to help ANY woman, and that if you feel women are being treated poorly, fucking get up off your lazy and scared asses and DO something about it.

Yeah. That one really got to me. I’m glad there are men who care, but I’m totally disappointed with their damned half hearted response – as usual. I mean, I can’t be the only person on the planet who noticed that Biden was fairly quick to shove a law down the throats of everyone in the US stating that people (ie: MEN) can marry whomever they want. He still hasn’t introduced anything with language about protecting women’s basic rights. Nope. He’s overseeing the most massive shut down of women’s reproductive rights ever and he’s saying nothing about it.

Oh. And here’s MY two cents. I think that males should be forced to get vasectomies as soon as their junk starts to produce sperm. IF they ever want to have children, they can have the vasectomy reversed. Now THAT is the equivalent of forcing women to bear children rather than having the right to terminate. I’m all for it. I think women in the US should start to push this idea. Push and push and push. Every time reproductive rights come up, this should be brought up.

I am sick to DEATH of men blaming women for everything.

I suppose a lot is coming up lately because T’s bought loads of old entertainment. We recently watched Raw from Eddie Murphy, who did an entire slew of jokes in his set about women and how they should be grateful for anything men give to them. Specifically, he went off on the no-fault divorce clause in a lot of states. While I wasn’t thrilled to sit thru that tirade – or maybe I should call it a tantrum – I recognised it as a symptom of the time more than a statement on Murphy’s real feelings. No one discussed how society was set up to keep women, particularly single women, in poverty. How we were paid so much less and how everything, from our personal hygiene items to our clothes, cost more than that of men. It’s a lot like how I remember my dad. Dad went off on his rants. Absolutely. And he said things that were just as bad as what I heard in Murphy’s stand-up. But I think both men were intelligent enough that had the facts been explained to them, they would have cut that shit out. Maybe I give them more credit than they deserve. But it’s how I see it. Or, more literally, it’s how I feel it. Just instinct. And hope.

Cause that’s all we got in the end, ladies, right? Hope. Hope that if we continue to point these differences based on sex out to our male counterparts, we’ll eventually teach them.

Goddess! Sometimes it feels like we’re trying to teach brick walls, right?

And Xmas just doesn’t help. Because Xmas means holiday films and specials. I’ve had a glut recently of older films. Right now I’ve got South Pacific playing. Yikes! One song was literally about paedophilia. The young lieutenant was singing to his island girlfriend. First he called her a ‘kid’ and then he sang a song with lyrics that stated she was ‘younger than springtime’, etc. etc. Yikes! We should all be glad that the times, they have a-changed. Seriously.

But I think it’s also important to remember where we came from. Just looked it up; the film South Pacific was done in 1958. And the setting of the story is obvious; the South Pacific during WWII. Less than 100 years ago, this was totally acceptable. In fact, it’s billed as a romance. So this child bride set-up? It was okay only 80 years ago.

…Ugh. We fight the good fight. Whether or not it’s in the news, whether or not we have basic human rights, we fight the good fight. Slowly. Child by child, we build.

My sleep hasn’t been good. Our noisy neighbours continue to be assholes. I lay in my bed at night, totally tensed up, waiting for the next loud scream or bang or shout. Last night was bad. I almost got up because I could hear it over my sound generator. Mostly I just lay there, trying to work out how to get my revenge without causing me any trouble. I’ve considered pelting their door with rotten eggs or dropping a bag of dog shit on their doorstep. Writing ‘assholes’ across their door with spray paint. Sending dog shit thru the post as a package. A lot of what I imagine includes dog shit, which is better than when I spent all my time imagining how I could set up the perfect spot to murder them all via a good rifle. Anyway, that’s what’s been the problem. I’m keeping my sound generator fully charged. And I really hope it backs off, because I don’t want to have to stay up waiting for the police. I just want to effing sleep.

Meanwhile: my hair is looking a bit straggly. I really need to spend the time in front of a mirror with my hair gel and try to get it looking neater. Doesn’t mean I don’t love it; I still do. And I found yet another reason to love it: it holds my hair so WELL! When I did some baking, all I had to do was pull all the braids back into a ponytail. Did I get any stray hairs falling out of my head? Nope. Did I worry one BIT about dropping one of my long hairs into the batter? Nope. Didn’t need to, ’cause it’s in box braids. A regular ponytail? Well, that can be problematic. My usual long, single braid? Also a problem that too easily allows loose hairs to fall from my head. Not my box braids! I have NO fear of my hair doing anything it shouldn’t. Man! I love this! Trying to keep it up until late January. Then I’ll take a few weeks to allow my hair to relax, ’cause my hair will be kinky for awhile. I’ll get M to cut the layers into my hair that we talked about. And then, before it gets too warm, I’ll get more braids put in for summer. It’ll be perfect. Gotta say, I am worried that I’ll encounter prejudice if I wear box braids to a job interview. I’ll try to work around that. Get a job with my hair down and then get the braids done later on. Or maybe I won’t. I shouldn’t HAVE to. But I’ve seen the older white Dutch: they don’t look at me, they look above me with this hair. I don’t know. I DO know there’s prejudice out there and I may shoot myself in the foot if I wear box braids and get dismissed out of hand due to it. But even the thought of it makes me angry. I should be able to go out and interview no matter what.

Truthfully, it’s the same argument as whether or not I wear make-up when I interview. And I’m just as wishy-washy in my feelings about it. I know it could happen. Sooner or later, it’s bound to happen. Then again, if a firm or employer feels that way, I don’t want to work for them anyway because there’d be other shit as well.

*sigh* I still don’t know how to approach any of this. Cave in to this social pressure? I’d maximise my chances. But I’d also let myself down. I’d feel like I caved. Or do I stand against it and go out there with box braids in my hair and no make-up? And if I want to be accepted as I am, don’t I have to have the courage to put myself out there ‘as I am’? The answer, of course, is YES.

Okay. So I’m scared shitless of doing just that. Heading out with no make-up and my hair the way I want it to be. I shouldn’t feel that way. I head outside every day looking like that, with no make-up and my hair proudly displayed. But that’s because I also know most people don’t spare me a glance because I’m older. It’s the idea of being under scrutiny, which one IS during a job interview, that makes me feel uneasy. Those half-hidden biases that everyone has comes into play in situations like that. Is the person across from you finding you attractive? Then you’ve got the job. I hate to say it that way, but that’s been my experience. Ugh. I suppose that actually says more about ME than anything else, right? It was my experience. I got jobs when the people interviewing me liked me. Simple as that. Or that’s the way I always felt…

Who knew growing old would take so much courage? No one tells you THAT! But it’s true. You gotta face your fears when your health goes to hell. Face your own mortality. And you gotta deal with a society that, by and large, doesn’t respect you.

And I know! I should be used to that, right? But I’m not. For as much as I always bitched about not feeling attractive, I knew I was. To a certain percentage of men, anyway. I suppose in truth, I can still say that. But that percentage continues to decrease. I can no longer walk into a crowded club and immediately get served. I can’t partake of all the little things that came my way because people found me attractive.

Whine, whine, whine. C’mon, Beeps! It isn’t like you ever felt okay or beautiful. Yes, you know a certain amount of men found you attractive. It was very useful when your car got a flat tyre. Never had to dirty your hands, did you? You knew a smile would get you a free pass to a lot of things and you enjoyed them. Get over it. If you can’t, write a damned book about it.

Oooooooo! Man! I can really slam myself, can’t I?

Just goes to prove that no matter how much things change, some things stay the same.

More drugs

My queitiapine dose is increased. Dr T was pretty quick to do it. I could tell he wanted to; he began by saying how low my dosage was and how increasing a wee bit would still leave it really low. Guess he took my whole ‘I take enough pills and drugs as it is’ speech to heart. I had my calendar with me so I could tell him precisely how it went down, how many times I starred a page because I ran around muttering under my breath, and when and why I totally lost it. We talked about my mixed episodes. How often, was this a pattern I recognised (too often and I do), etc. I was totally honest. About how I love hating my sister and how conflicted I feel because I recognise the same problems in her as in myself but if I cut myself slack for my behaviour then I’ve gotta do the same for her and I don’t want to do that because I enjoy fantasising about killing her. *whew* I acknowledged my shame cycle post mixed episode and how I don’t even want to admit there’s a problem there. I even told Dr T about C scaring the fuck out of me when I was 9 or 10 when I admitted to her I didn’t have a reason to be alive and SHE said I could never, ever let anyone know that because they’d lock me away and never let me go. I got a lot off my chest this morning.

I dropped my prescription off at the apotheek and said to the Goddess: Now a visit with my favourite cat friend would really top this day off. Sure enough, there she was. We sat and loved each other up, her purring and shoving her head up against my face for kisses, me just totally lost in cat attention. I must look weird. I just plop my ass down on the sidewalk when I see her so we can really spend time together. And people stare. I don’t care when she loves me so much.

So it’s 11:30 and according to my own words, I’ve already had a really great day. I guess that means I can’t fuck it up, eh?

My last ordered item came in yesterday afternoon. Whoo-hoo! Now I’ve got my super conditioner in as well as my silk sleep caps and argan oil. Put oil on my hair this morning before I headed over to see Dr T. It’s all soaked in already. My hair is thirsty. Can’t wait to try out my new conditioner.

While I am thrilled to see NY begin a huge action against 45 and his offspring, I’m not convinced this will catch him out. NY might push it thru, but he’ll never serve time because Florida will protect him. And this could be the thing that pushes the civil war. This fight for power between states. It will not go down well, I’ll tell you that much.

Still really, really sick of seeing people telling me how bad women in Afghanistan or China have it while women’s rights are being totally eroded in the US.

Still NOT working on language. Or music. Or getting back to the gym.

*sigh* Maybe more drugs will help.

Where I’m at

I’d love to write a breezy blog today. Love to tell you something positive. I really don’t think I’m capable.

Began my time sipping my coffee while T ran the tv news. I spend a bit of time listening to the broadcast but let’s be honest: most news stations are in a 15 minute turn around, so it doesn’t take too long. T likes it on for a lot longer than I do. So I saw the online CNN ‘news’ story about skirts making a hit in men’s fashion right at the same time the tv was running a spot on Egypt showing how women wearing burkas have been turned away from public spots like restaurants. Didn’t think I had it in me to be enraged yet again, but I was and still am. Men, seemingly, can do and say whatever the fuck they want, including dressing up and suddenly calling themselves women and demanding equal access to all the hard won concessions women fought for over the fucking millennia of this shit, but what women wear is still on the chop block for public opinion. Same with holding a high office and being a party animal. Oh, BoJo gets away with it AND impregnating so many fucking women that no one, including himself, is probably certain as to how many kids he actually has, but the PM of Finland fucking dances at a private party and suddenly the entire fucking world goes nuts because she must – must! – be on some sort of drugs to make her act so…so…un-leadership-like.

When and if the time comes, do not shame me. Do not ask me to be lenient or merciful. I will reject the shame you try to shower me with and be all the more horrific. I will have NO mercy in me. And if you get in my way… Just be prepared for the fucking consequences. And trust me: I’ve not only thought this through, I’ve talked about some of my punishment ideas out on men just to suss out their reactions and I believe I’ve hit on some very deeply held fears men have. In other words: you’re going to be fucking terrified. I’ve done my marketing research.

Friday. The weather broke last night with clouds, rain, and cooler temps. High humidity and very little breeze running thru the flat today. And not too much rain. We’re supposed to get showers off and on today but so far nothing. Sometimes I think it’s raining way up there but it’s so dry the rain never actually hits the ground.

Climate change stuff: Heavy water restrictions are finally in place for farmers. That should have been done a while ago; I’ve been seeing all sorts of irrigation and watering/spraying going on during the hottest and sunniest part of the day. That is stupidity number one in my book. Obviously, it’s not been that drastic here before or they’d have known to do that much earlier. I’ve seen reports of plant life dying off, including in an area that makes its money from growing lavender. The plants are all dying due to drought. And I’ve seen lots of smaller reports of problems farmers are having. Bird flu outbreaks at some places. Drought problems everywhere. I’ve also begun to see real articles on the agriculture industry here in NL, which does an astounding job at exporting a hell of a lot of food to the EU. This tiny effing nation. Us. We’re feeding loads of people around us. Burning up and polluting our land in order to make a buck or two selling our crops to Germany. Like we don’t have enough problems! Fires: fucking almost everywhere. NL had a couple of small fire outbreaks but they were all quickly contained. Everyone around us, not so much.

Other news: The Dutch reception centre for immigrants is all over the news right now. It’s swamped by people who’ve been forced to sleep outside for several days because there is no room for them. We just don’t have the living space, or the living spaces that are available are on the upper end of the rental spectrum and are not (currently) being forced to accept immigrants during this crisis. I won’t say NL won’t resort to some sort of forced relocation. They’re trying it now. There’s a hotel in one spot that they want to take in several hundred refugees. However, it’s in a small town and the locals are totally afraid of suddenly having almost half their populations be foreigners. At the reception centre, there have been fights and deaths, including the death of a toddler that’s being investigated. So they’re not winning anyone over right now to the idea of hosting them in various small towns. Supposedly these problems are being attributed to men from Northern Africa. Or that’s what one local said. Maybe that’s a race thing, maybe he was being truthful. No real way for me to know. The news just showed me the comments without any context.

*sigh* I’ve been getting the right wing feel more and more. Not me personally, just sensing it in the air around me. There’s a big push here to take in Ukrainians while nothing similar is being done for anyone else from anywhere else. And I’ve seen some of the problems up close and personal. Getting skipped in queue because someone has no idea how to queue like we do in the west. Hearing the yelling and loud music at all hours. Hearing just a lot more noise, whether it’s loud cars, music, or people yelling. Seeing more graffiti. More vandalism. Hearing about more severe violence getting closer and closer to my home. It feels like NL is getting pushed to take in more and more people when (a) those people are in no way ready for integration and (b) we don’t have the space for our own people much less anyone new. NL was supposed to start revamping old office buildings and other spaces into living space, but I saw months ago that idea was stalling out and not really being moved on. And it’s not like there’s suddenly a big new spot that’s just opened up where we could build! NL is just NL. No more, no less – unless a farmer moves one of the old mile posts again. Hells Bells! We can’t even rely on the boathouses anymore. Half of them are in dried out areas and leaning on the ground. So WTF are we supposed to do? It’s a real fucking problem and I get why people are getting so angry about it.

Supposed to be band rehearsal this coming Wednesday. Better try to haul out my key and do some playing between now and then. Did some hard work for a while, then hot weather hit and it’s just been too much to want to play. Now it’s cooler. I got no excuse.

Personal crap: Fuck! My feet are fucking awful with this psoriasis. I’m on my second tube of gunk already. Every time I think it’s actually getting better, I get sores in some new area. My hands aren’t great, either. They’re not as bad as my feet, but I keep getting pustules on my finger tips which hurts like hell. My feet hurt in several spots too. May have to make an appointment to see a GP to report all this and get an appointment with a dermatologist. Ugh. Also ugh: pain in my gums at the moment and I don’t know why. Just had a check up and all was great. Now I’m having pain. This is the 3rd day. If it persists into next week, I’ll make an appointment. *sigh* Like I need more problems. Still feel really fat. And not doing much about it.

Hesitant to try any entertainment. My mood is too sour. Recorded and watched recently both The Shining and Speed, neither of which I ever saw because they became such huge hits and I just really dig my feet in about jumping on the bandwagon and being a statistic. So. The Shining. Kubrik must have had OCD. Must have. The way he lines up his shots? Total squared off. Ugh. Nicholson was laughable. Unbelievable as a writer, a husband, or a father. Let’s just not talk about the creepy kid, okay? He was a demon child from the start. And Speed? Wow. I could drive that bus through the many plot holes in that film. I could drive a plane thru it. …Anyway. I just don’t think if that’s my assessment of these two well known films that I should delve any deeper into entertainment right now because I think that nothing will be good enough.

That’s just where I’m at.

Welcome to Hell

We’ve really fallen down the rabbit hole now, haven’t we?

Been doing all I can to NOT go off on absolutely effing everything. Not easy, as you might think. I’m a hardliner pro-choice person. I was raised to be such by my DNA mother, who ended up teaching me that children were a burden and not a blessing. I’ll take it as truth that I was taught poorly and wrongly, but women have to have access to all aspects of our needed health care. If you say you care about unborn babies, if you feel that life is sacred, well, you sure as fuck should care about people already living, then. But it seems not. To refuse medical treatment to a woman to save her life, to save her from a child that was created from rape or incest, is absolutely a 100% human rights issue. We are denied basic health care in the US.

I sat with it yesterday. Just sat and experienced it. Because my life bookmarked Roe v Wade. I was a young, pre-pubescent girl when it passed and now I am an older, post menopausal woman as it’s repealed. I sat with the knowledge that my birthplace, the ‘number one country in the world’, has turned its back on me as a person. I sat and felt like a slave. Lesser than human. That is precisely what’s happened: women are no longer people who deserve human rights, we have become breeding stock regardless of how we feel about it. I hate everyone and everything that made this happen. And I can still hardly wrap my head around the truth of it.

How far we’ve fallen!

Now I’m seeing loads of articles about Americans wanting to leave America. Most are about families and reference gun violence. NOW it’s too much? It wasn’t at Columbine or Sandy Hook, but NOW, for some reason, it’s too much and people are looking at how to get the fuck out of the US. Well, good luck with that. I did it. It wasn’t easy back then and I can’t expect it got any easier since.

Even my friends in MN have mentioned that they’re finally feeling some fear over the state of things and are truly talking about moving over here. They’re a gay couple and the spectre of rolling back their rights has finally hit them like a lead balloon. Right up to this move by the Supreme Court, they were saying it wasn’t all THAT bad, that it was all weird loners causing the problems, that they were secure in their rights. NOW they’re afraid. Twenty years after T and I left, and they’re finally feeling the appropriate amount of fear for their position. About time! Wake up, people!

Most important is my own state of mind. T’s been turning off tv news any time I walk into the room, which helps. He tends to sit on the remote and then watch news for 3 to 4 hours in the morning. I only want about an hour to check the channels. After that, they’re repeating themselves. Been playing a lot. Should be out walking more, but we’ve been having rain on and off and I just haven’t had the oomph to go out lately.

Or maybe I just don’t CARE anymore. After all, if I’m not quite a person and not due health care for my own body, why the fuck should I work to make it more sexually attractive? Just the opposite in my opinion: put on that weight, eat that dessert don’t bother with make-up or clothing or anything that attracts the opposite sex. We’ll have enough problems the way it is; don’t need to invite sexual behaviour that could end badly. In fact, I’d actively work against it. No deodorant. No make-up. No high heels. No cleavage. Just comfortable, baggy clothes that do nothing for me other than be comfortable, which, considering what’s happening, seems to be the only thing actually left to women.

There is NO good news anywhere. Famine in Somalia. Earthquake deaths in Afghanistan. Oh, help us, help us, help us! More countries should sit up and take note: be nice, for the most part, ’cause when you need help you don’t want everyone turning their backs on you because you acted like assholes. For instance, I’m not sure about sending aid to Afghanistan. Why? So they can continue to belittle women and keep them from school? So all those 9 year old girls can live for another year before some Taliban fighter impregnates them and they die in agony trying to give birth? I think if we let them die now we’d do them a favour. And now I can say the same damned thing about the US. We’d do them a favour if we let the girls die before they could be raped by their uncles or step fathers or whatever and be forced to give birth at too young an age.

That’s a real sad thing to say. But I think it’s true.

Glad that I don’t live there. Glad I saw the swing of things decades ago. Glad, glad, glad. But I’m also gutted. Never thought I’d see it happen.

And yes, now is the time to worry about all and any human rights. If you’re gay or ‘other’, worry ’cause you’re the next group to get the chop. If you use contraception, worry. You won’t be able to get it anymore. If you’re black, worry, ’cause the Jim Crow laws could easily be reversed back into law. WORRY! The right wing in the US has LONG been planning this take over. And they’ve been quietly persistent. They’ve paid attention and voted in the school board elections and minor functionaries positions with their people, who’ve influenced local politics enough to influence state elections, which then influenced national elections. And they’ve stacked the deck. You think the Supreme Court is a problem? Take a look at your local reps. The political arena is stacked, the big elections on the small. You’ve got to win the small to take the big elections. And it seems like most Americans don’t understand that at all. They think in a top-down manner and feel that if they elect the ‘right’ president, all will be okay. But that ain’t the way it works. I would think that truth would be self evident if you’re over 20 years of age. Just think back on your lifetime. Hell! Just think!

So here I sit. Trying to feel better about life as life shows me just how little I’m valued. Listening to men lie to me on tv. Listening to the lies of everyone, how this life is so fucking important, but that life isn’t worth saving. I hate everyone today.

Women are slaves. US women are slaves. Tied to their bodies. Held hostage by their periods. Lesser than. They are vessels for new life. As people in and of themselves, they are worthless. That’s what the US has shown women. That we’re worthless as people. Welcome to Gilead.

Welcome to Hell.

By my fingernails

Life sucks. The world sucks. Humanity sucks.

WHY aren’t women training to kill all men? Seriously. Every woman on this planet should be in various self defence classes. Learn how to use every weapon available to us. Because it’s fucking certain that men aren’t white knights. Just look at the damned vid coming out of China. Those men are REAL men, aren’t they? Punching women as they hold children. Throwing women down in the street and beating and kicking them mercilessly. THAT’S how men treat women. All the other stuff, the romantic shit we’re so fucking sold on is ANOMOLOUS behaviour. Men don’t naturally act like that. How do they naturally act? Take another look at that fucking video. THAT’S it. And it is MORE than time for every woman on this planet to fight the fuck back. Kill the men. Just fucking off them if they DARE to try ANYTHING with us.

Every goddess damned problem on this planet can be traced back to men. Every. single. one. Tell me again WHY we put up with this shit?

My rock of depression is now a fire pit in my belly burning bright with righteous anger. It’s no better. Worse, as a matter of fact. Chances of me actually getting into it with some random guy because he’s a brainless asshole are VERY high.

Plan is to head out and walk until I fucking drop. I mean that today. Gonna walk my fucking feet off. Get myself so damned tired I can’t do anything to keep my fucking eyes open when I come back. Fuck it. Fuck everything. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Don’t care if the shut off comes from prescription meds or street drugs or fucking walking until I drop. I just want it to fucking stop.

Oh, yeah. And now they’re trying to convince me that all raw materials for tampons come from Ukraine, too. What the fuck? That’s your excuse? OMG. That’s so out of proportion fucking lying to our faces I can’t even DEAL with it. I suggest all of you who still menstruate to find these old white men (and I guarantee you, that’s who you’ll find behind ALL of this) and menstruate on their heads. No tampons? Use their fucking fringe hair (’cause you KNOW they gonna be bald). Smear your blood all over their fucking faces. Fucking lying fucking assholes.

Can hardly believe I’m still on my meds and I’m the one fucking taking them.

Obviously I need to cut this short and go deal with myself ’cause it ain’t getting better.

WHY, oh WHY is it so much fucking work just to feel not so sad or angry or riled or frustrated or depressed? Sometimes it’s like all my energy goes into just NOT feeling like I want to off myself. I never rise above that place unless I’m on a manic high and unlike my anti-depressants, my anti-manic pills seem to take care of the fucking problem VERY well. I’m all trying not to hate everyone and everything while getting zero high points to float me thru. In general, I only think other people are okay when I’m on the up. Usually they just SUCK SHIT. So there I am: people suck shit, the usual crap Dr T tells me to do like get sun or exercise ain’t helping me AT ALL and I can’t seem to pull myself out of this no matter what the fuck I do.

Meh. And now T is reminding me of the 14 year old US kid who weighed over 300 pounds and died from a ride. 300 pounds. At 14. That kid should have been forcibly taken away from its parents. Pretty fucking obvious those parents are both (a) neglecting the kid and (b) abusing it as well. No kid of 14 should be that size. Americans are the absolute worst of humanity. In SO many ways.

Me bitching isn’t gonna change anything. And it feels like there’s no end to my bitching today, so I’m gonna stop and get the fuck out of the flat. Not expecting it to help. Not expecting to feel any better.

I’m just hanging on. By my fingernails.

Nitro

Eight in the morning and I’m up and on my second cup of coffee. I’ll credit that to my power nap yesterday. Did more than expected; laundry, dishes, and garbage all got taken care of. Then I sat back down. My eyes began to droop. T woke me up once or twice with his laughter or just some sound. But pretty soon I found myself really waking up from a power nap. What did I miss? Bit of a tv show I’ve already seen. As usual, my power nap lasted about 15 minutes tops. That’s all I really need to recharge most days. Trying to get myself to do that on command. Drop off it I need it, take 15, come back fresh. Not there yet. But it would be a handy skill to have.

Yea! I did stuff. I cleaned up the kitchen while T was out shopping. I picked up and put away my laundry. I even walked the garbage bag down to the bins. That, I think, is what did me in. That extra fresh air as I stepped out my door.

Trans rights is back in my face. Big story on it this morning. A trans cyclist, oh, boo-hoo and all that. Let’s get this straight, can we? I’ve got a man in my face telling me about the trans rights of what once was a man but now someone who ‘identifies’ as a woman. The reverse never comes up. All those physical advantages that men who call themselves women have are not true in reverse. A woman who becomes a man has no physical advantage in competition. Sorry, but this is a MALE issue. As is transgenderism. It’s all about the men who now identify as women. And it’s biased and sexist and pushing women out of our own category.

Oh, btw, I identify as a First Nation person. Always have. Can I claim that? Claim that I am part of one of the great tribes in America even if I’m not? When you let me do that, I’ll call any man who wants to be called a woman a woman. Until then, FUCK OFF with this shit. You’re not women. You never, ever will be. Get out of my sex. There’s a category for you and it’s called transgender. Don’t shove yourself into MY world. You don’t fucking understand it, for one. And I don’t believe ANY person who’s transitioned from a male to a female has voluntarily given up 1/3 of their salaries. They should; that’s a big part of being a woman: getting paid less for the same work. And stop bitching about being discriminated against or made fun of. Again: You said you wanted to be a woman. Well, here it is. We are continually discriminated against. We are the butt of jokes both subtle and blatant. Stop your bitching, dude. Suck it up. You’re a ‘woman’ now. That means THIS IS YOUR LIFE: less pay for the same work, slagging off due to our sex, less representation, high chance of physical violence, and NO ONE CARES. Welcome. You’re officially ‘women’ now.

Fucking bullshit.

I hate that this is a thing. In my lifetime, we went from the ERA to MeToo and now to this. Men taking our roles, men claiming they’re women, men who continually have to try to be ‘better’ women than women. They have to look better and dress better and act more aggressively. Just watch one Ru Paul show; you’ll see what I mean. No wall flowers there! And that’s men’s take on women. It’s a cartoon version of womanhood. It is NOT womanhood. There’s the problem, too: men who pretend can stop pretending at any time. Women can’t stop being women. We can’t turn it off when menstrual pain makes us want to climb into bed and do nothing. We can’t turn it off as we complete in the job market and continually get offered and paid less than our male counterparts. We can’t turn it off when men come on to us, when they harass us, when they stalk us. We can’t turn it off during rap songs when all we hear is how we’re all ‘ho’s’. We can’t turn it off when we walk into shops and see everything marketed towards us is in pink. Pink, like we’re still little girls. Pink razors, pink loofas, pink perfumes, pink clothes, pink. Makes me utterly sick. And it looks precisely like the girls’ aisle in toy stores: dripping pink.

One more thing. There’s a feminine hygiene company who’s touting the fact they have now given women so much choice because they’ve released 4 – FOUR! – different sized pads. Wow. Their ad talks about the millions of women on the planet and how we’re all unique and special so they’ve given us – ta da! – a choice of four pads. Aren’t we lucky? We are shown smiling, happy. Some of the women in the ad even seem grateful. Grateful. For four choices. THAT’S BEING A WOMAN.

And yes, I AM using the struggles against sexism as part of the definition of being a woman. I think the struggles encountered by gay people or people of colour define them as well. It’s part of what being one of the group is all about and if you don’t experience that you’re not really part of the group. I’m not saying you have to be like me. Nope. Plenty of scope of all sorts of women out there, even the ones I think are totally and absolutely wrong. But I do think – and I think it’s a safe bet – that all women are, sooner or later, used or belittled or passed over just for being women. Maybe we just shoulder past it. Try to ignore it and rise above it. Maybe it breaks us. Maybe it becomes the causes of our life. But we all deal with it on some level at some time. The fact that people who were born male do NOT experience this is what I’m discussing. [Side note: I know for a fact that male toxicity is still out there and going strong. And I know men face an entirely different set of rules growing up. In other words, they’ve got their own struggles over identity. And their struggles are uniquely male orientated. A person who was born a woman and then transitions into a male can’t ever truly understand what growing up a male was like. And vice versa.]

But, you know, the world has gone to hell. Go ahead and try to keep the human race alive with transitioned women, then. Seriously. Give it a go. I would love to see you try.

Fuck. It all comes down to our wombs. Push comes to shove, and that’s it. That’s our trump card. Not us as individuals or a group. Not our rights as people, not our brains or our contributions to the world, but our wombs. It always comes down to that.

Am I the only person on this planet who gets enraged over that?

How can it not be nine in the morning yet? I’ve been up for hours, haven’t I? I had my full coffee run. Almost done with this. When the fuck DID I wake up today? And what the hell is going on?

….Oh, shit. Still lost in time, aren’t I? Yep. And now I’m on the manic side. Definitely.

Right. T is up. Time to check in with him, let him know what’s going on. As gently as possible. He’s only on his first cup of coffee. Only been up a few minutes now. I’m going full blast. Full blast plus.

I’m on nitro, baby.

Own it

Brain dump.

Pushed myself yesterday to get through the two chapters T left me to proof. Done and dusted. Headed out to buy smoke, kept my head up and looked at the sky, got a little walking in.

Today I’m headed to the mall. Such a small sentence that holds so many ughs for me! Gods. Just thinking about being out there among so many idiots makes my blood boil. It’s photo day for me and I’m in a crappy mood. *sigh* Doesn’t help to know that my ego is gonna take a hit when I see the finished pic. Can’t help that; I’m still learning to deal with growing old. And… That’s the way I present myself to the world. I need to get over it. Dark circles under my eyes, frizzy hair and all.

I’ve had it with all the ads on tv that try to tell me we can still change the environmental crisis. Ye Gods! I’ve also had it with corporate ads telling me they care about the environment. Bullshit. Corporations will never put the environment above profit. And I have MORE than had it with people in general. Damn it all! I’m observing this disconnect from reality all over. Don’t you realise that anyone who invests in the market is part of the problem? Most people rely on financial advisors and if they ask anything about their pension accounts, they’re simply told that the portfolio is diversified to limit risk. In other words: Yes, your pension or retirement account probably invests in mining, drilling, and fracking. You probably have invested in companies that don’t pay their employees well enough. These are the corporations that continually post high profits despite the damage they do. When you talk to finance managers, they’re only worried about your return, not the moral implications of what they’ve got you invested in. And trust me, because I’ve looked at these reports, they are as confusing as they possibly can be in order to mislead you. Most accounting and financing is. Not saying there’s no reason for what’s done; there is. But it becomes a painting themselves into a corner type of thing. They go so far with it that the end result is anything but logical, and you need ‘experts’ to get through it.

This is the stark truth: If you have a pension, you’re part of the problem. If you have an investment portfolio, you’re part of the problem. If you use banks or credit unions, you’re part of the problem. You can pretty much count on being part of the problem unless you keep all you money under your mattress and live on the moon. Other than that, we all carry guilt because we’re all part of the system that continues to put profit ahead of environmental or human rights issues.

Stop fucking pointing fingers at corporations or countries or cities or governments. Stop projecting. Just deal with it, already! Good Goddess, the amount of times I’ve heard shit like ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ and then to find out that those same fuckers are the ones who project and deny more than anyone else is..is… Fuck! I don’t even have a word for it. I don’t know if one exists. But I’ve got a suggestion: stupicide. Humanity is committing stupicide. Suicide by stupidity, if you haven’t caught on. It’s pointless and maddening and totally not necessary. But we’re doing it.

I have never been so narcissistic as to think that I deserve everything at the expense of everyone else. But I’m damned close to just taking all I can get and fuck the rest of you. I don’t think I will, in the end. But that’s how angry I am. Looking at petty revenge rather than sticking to my moral code. Gods, I sound like my sister. That’s the road she’s always taken. And that is enough to stay my hand and not do it for the rest of time, because I truly do view my DNA sis as someone who’s top of the pile in projectionism and denial and I hate her for it. *sigh* Most of what I’ve done has been to distance myself from her and my DNA brother. Even my advanced understanding for their situations can’t move that rock; my best bet for happiness and calm is to stay far, far away from both of them.

I do feel like I’m banging my head against the wall, though. In so many effing ways. Society has grown just like accounting and financing rules; it’s become so advanced the outcome is often illogical and counterproductive. These days, we’re arguing about using the terms ‘women’ or ‘men’ as adjectives for people. It’s out of hand. We’re now at a point where a woman can’t be called a woman. Where men can now encroach on women’s safe spaces in the name of equality. I’m truly sorry but I just can’t see this as anything other than an attack on women by men. You’re trying to overwrite us once again. You’re shoving us out of our own sex. I’m not say transgenders don’t need safe spaces or protection; just don’t take it away from women in the process! Stop taking our chances and opportunities; we have few enough of those as it is. Stop adhering to the patriarchal take on femininity. Women come in all shapes and sizes. We are tall, short, thin, fat, old, young, attractive and even ugly (own it; some of us are ugly, just like men!). We wear dresses and jeans, make up or go natural, hair up or down, nails long or short, high heels or sneakers. We are not ONE of those things, we are ALL of those things.

And there I go from my feminist soapbox… But figuring out what kind of a woman you are is a life long process. Much, I imagine, like figuring out what kind of man you are is.

I don’t now. Maybe I don’t understand the issue at all. I’m willing to admit to that possibility, though. I find others not so willing to own their own shit. And THAT’S what makes my blood boil. Because by side-lining my and other feminists issues and concerns, you belittle our concerns and us as people, thereby contributing to the patriarchy rather than fighting it. That’s how I see it. And I’ve heard no logical argument that convinces me otherwise.

But, what do I know? The older I get, the more ignorant I know I am. I’ve even occasionally thought I have a severe learning disability or something because I’ve skated through so many years without catching on to many human ideas and actions. Guess I’m at a point where I shout to the heavens but truly expect no one to listen. Maybe in a few years I’ll be one of the lost, wandering the streets mumbling to myself while wearing a tin foil hat.

Strangely, I don’t think I’ll feel all that different than how I feel right now.

I already talk aloud to myself in public. People have caught me at it all over the place. And I guess, metaphorically speaking, I’ve been wearing a tin foil hat for years now.

Only one thing left, then.

Own it.

House of Mirrors

My purely internal rant yesterday came to fruition today: I heard how I shouldn’t be so damned angry, how there was nothing I could do about it anyway, how I should just let go of this feminist anger because all it does is upset me. Pretty much a verbatim repeat of what I wrote. That doesn’t show I’m prescient, it just shows I know my bro very well. It also shows I’m in a rut. This is a rinse and repeat of my life and it’s getting me nowhere.

Really bridled at the ‘you can’t do anything about it anyway’ bullshit. Oh, my heels dug in on that one! Yes there IS something I can do about it. I can move ahead with my determination to combat it every single moment from now on in my own manner. NOT wear make-up. NOT add to that bullshit. Speak up when it happens and point out the hypocrisy. And never, ever again buy into the ‘you can’t do anything about it’ standard line from men who are just fed up with hearing about my all too righteous anger.

My mind has been wandering. Thinking about sexism in all its manifestations.

Girls are stupid. Is there one female out there, particularly in the US, who hasn’t run into this line while growing up? Didn’t we all hear it from our male companions in school at one point or another? That pat dismissal of simply being a female that begins way before puberty. Maybe it was an era thing, maybe that’s gone from modern kid communication, but somehow I doubt it. Little boys do that because they don’t understand girls’ intelligence. It’s well documented that girls far exceed boys at that age in both intelligence and understanding. But even then, we are dismissed as being ‘stupid’ simply because our male counterparts aren’t up to our level. Now, if boys were severely reprimanded for that shit, if it was publicly pointed out that no, the girls consistently scored higher than the boys and this was just the boys acting out in fear against the girls, maybe I’d let it slide. But like so many things in society, it’s glossed over. Nothing is said, nothing is learned, and those same boys grow up to be the sexist assholes who try to hold women back at every turn. Boys’ egos need pruning as they grow up; girls’ egos need assistance – and that’s just to combat all the other shit going on 24/7. The continued image presented on every glossy photo. The continued ‘dumb blond’ running gags, or the bad women drivers gags, or any of the other inbred, daily discrediting of women as a whole. It’s got to begin early on, too. No blue for boys and pink for girls; let’s ditch that completely. Let kids play with whatever they want to play with: dolls, action figures, sports equipment or mom’s high heels. Snip early bullshit from boys right away; don’t let them get away with calling girls stupid or smelly or whatever else they come up with to put us down. And it’s GOTTA come from the schools because you can’t trust parents to actually teach this.

You know, some things you just don’t get until you get older. I didn’t even know what questions to ask my mother when she died. I was in my early 20s. Now, as an older woman, I have a long list of stuff I should have asked about. But back then I was way too tied up in my bullshit to even know what was bullshit and what was worthwhile. Plus, my parents were right wing hardliners (with notable exceptions, like the abortion issue). I’m owning up to that these days. Just like I’m owning up to the fact that children, in my family, were something to be worried and disappointed over. If I’d become pregnant in my youth it would have all been negative. Those videos of mothers being excited when told their children are going to have children are so fucking foreign to me I can’t even begin to imagine it. Even when my eldest brother’s first wife became pregnant, while they were fucking married, no less, it was greeted with less than enthusiastic responses. Worried looks. Is this the right time? Are you ready for the responsibility? Children cause so much stress. They cost so very much. They’re not fun. They tie you down, they demand your attention 24/7, they pester you for your attention… They are so much WORK. Then my parents’ reluctant acceptance. Oh, C was happily excited over a baby in the family. No doubt. But the thought of it growing into a real child was a total downer. The reality in my family was that upcoming childbirth was nothing to celebrate. We girls learned that lesson well; none of us reproduced – even among my further cousins. Only the boys impregnated their non-family raised females.

What I could have been, had I been raised in another family! I know it’s one of those moot issues I shouldn’t give any energy to, but I can’t help it from time to time. That’s one of the saddest parts of this whole thing to me: it took me a really long time to break my programming, and once I did, the question Why? became so damned important for me to understand that I lost yet more years figuring it out. I know I had to do all that to get here. I know the journey is the thing. Still. If none of that had been in my way…

At least I’m old enough and wise enough to know I would have had other issues. The grass may seem greener, but once you get there you find it’s got just as many weeds and potholes as the other side of the fence.

It all comes down to how happy you are, right where you are.

I could be happier.

I could also be more miserable.

Sad to say, but it’s true: sometimes that’s what it comes down to for me. Not happiness, but the least miserable option. Or that’s the way it feels. Does that mean I’m not grateful for what I have? I sure as hell hope not. I feel all too aware, more and more poignantly every day, how lucky I am to be here in my life. And by ‘here’ I mean it all: the Netherlands, Rotterdam, my age, my self acceptance, my flat, my life.

Damn. You know what I REALLY feel like? That Afghan refugee who tweeted about his small meal. Everyone went ballistic over that, saying he was so ungrateful for what he’d been given for free. But it was painfully obvious that what he was given was inadequate and he was totally right for speaking up. I can so relate! I know I’m luckier than billions of women all over the planet. But I also feel I’m in the right to continue to be irritated, to continue to fight for equality when it’s so fucking obvious that women are treated as second class citizens even in the ‘advanced’ western world.

… And, yes: I know. I know this feeling is being reinforced in my mind by T’s behaviour over this issue. I also know I continue to set up these incidents in my life that echo back to me precisely what I think they will. Somehow, I’m creating this over and over.

I’m wandering around in a House of Mirrors.

Quite a challenge

Ah. Yes. It’s all coming back to me now.

I was sharply reminded of why I don’t like to clothes shop. Went to the mall, walked around and slowly looked at everything. Saw a couple of decent prices and went to try on some pants. Ugh. That’s when it all hit. Changing rooms are small enough that any mirror in them is unflattering. The changing room I entered actually had the mirror from the floor up and lit from above. The upshot of that was that my blubbery thighs and stomach were shown in the most unflattering light possible. With my skewed view of myself, I saw towers of blubber piled on top of me and was totally, absolutely disgusted with myself. Shoulda got moving long ago. Panicked because I’m so damned fat. And FUCK if ‘business’ slacks aren’t the absolute worst for my problems. They’re not made by strong enough fabric to have any slimming effect like my jeans. Nope. Business slacks let it all hang out. Made it look like over stuffed sausages with bulges everywhere. Oh, Goddess. I’m having palpitations just remembering it.

Couldn’t do much after that because I was so discouraged. Bought my needed dental stuff: toothpaste, floss, picks, etc. So that, at least, is done.

And then after I got home I pulled out my phone to find it wasn’t working. Wouldn’t turn on. Figured it was dead; I forgot to charge it. But when I plugged it in nothing happened. No lights saying it was charging, nothing. Had a good half hour of more panic, thinking my phone just died and I’d need to rearrange my entire planned schedule because rather than moving forward with interview clothes I’d have to go and buy a new phone. Thank you, YouTube. Found a vid about my phone type and how they sometimes just won’t respond. Simple fix: hold the power button down until something happens. A 3 year old probably would have just done that without thinking, but not me. I had to look it up. Got the damn thing up and running again.

Did find some clothes I think may work. It all depends on how casual the office is and interviewing is the tricky part because you won’t know until you enter the place. I figure my best bet is a skirt: it’ll work with either upper business class or jeans casual and it will do the most to cover up my trouble spots. Found a couple of cute skirts under 20 euro that are pretty basic so they should go with a lot. Saw some plain pumps, obviously an end of stock sell off, that were half price. Didn’t forget about make-up; forced myself into the make-up/perfume stores I generally avoid because they stink to high heaven. Checked brands, prices, and availability. I think I can get by with cheap make-up for the most part. I might have to invest a bit in a good concealer.

My horror panic attack in the changing room gave me a new goal: push it. Even a week of strong walking will take some of that flab off me. Every inch counts right now. I’m going to walk 2 hours a day, every day. My ass aches just thinking of it.

NL news: High infection rates. Rotterdam is listed as code red due to our ‘high hospitalisation rate’ (which no one bothers to report on other than saying it’s too high). Continuing problems with trying to open schools and infections. I suppose it would be smart to just say ‘continuing problems’. Over coronavirus, lock down measures, kids, anti-vaxxers, protests, police, gangs, violence, refugees.

But I’ll take all of that and more rather than face what’s going on in the US. Um… Do you feel like your God is punishing you yet? I’m looking at it from the outside and it sure as hell looks like your God is punishing you. I know that isn’t really the case. This is all just the outcome of unregulated everything that began back in the 80s. Or perhaps it would better stated to say this is due to rampant capitalism at the cost of social needs. Same thing, actually. The US has always chosen profit over safety or environmental impact. The general feeling in the US is ‘it’s good enough’. It’s good enough to handle those 25 year record rainfalls, it’s good enough when disasters don’t hit, it’s good enough because people aren’t immediately dying. But it isn’t good enough. Not your infrastructure, not your building codes or your legal loopholes or your biased Supreme Court. None of it is ‘good enough’. None of it is serving the populace, only the few. And the few are sucking the rest of you dry. The US: ‘home of the brave’? HA! More like the US; home of the indentured servants.

Goddess! Thank you for getting me out of there. Please watch over the women left in that place. Frankly I consider the US as bad as anything the Taliban will throw at women in Afghanistan. It’s just that in the US all of that is denied and hidden and so fucking subtle half the time it’s easy to just glide over it, particularly if you’re not watching for it. The US pushes the idea that their women are so liberated and free, but it’s just not true. It’s not true legally and it’s not true on the ground. And women are such menstrual or menopausal bitches if one of us brings it up! Our reputations are on the line any time we bring up incidents of sexual intimidation or abuse. ANY time. Even during hearings in congress. Even in the highest court in the land.

Gee, American women.. Do you feel liberated when all it takes is the Supreme Court refusing to hear a case about reproductive rights to push back your rights by 50 years to do what you want with your own body? Do you feel equal? I wouldn’t in your shoes. You are at the mercy of the right wing. And what you’re seeing right now in Texas should scare the FUCK out of you.

I’m angry. And upset. And all undone.

The challenge is to pull it back together. Let go of my anger; I’m not in the US. Let go of my panic; I’ll do now what I feel I should have done and soon enough my body won’t carry so much weight. Keep planning, keep tinkering with my CV, keep window shopping. Keep on track.

*sigh* That’s quite a challenge.