Whatever works

Why am I so incredibly tired? Just effing gone, you know? I got up and made my vocal cordial which was needed. And yes, it takes a couple of hours. But it’s not all that physical. I’m totally knackered, like I came back from a several hours gym visit. Ugh.

We are going backwards. Have you noticed? Saw an ad yesterday for a ‘Booty Booster’. Yes, that’s what it’s called. It’s one of those ‘new’ garments for women that push and shape and shove us into something absolutely unattainable unless you’re wearing that. The one I’m talking about is for your butt. But corsets are back and tummy scrunchers (which are basically corsets) and bras that push and ad and shove so we have cleavage and high heels so there’s no way in HELL we can get away if a time comes for running and… FUCK! Backwards, baby!

Not helping: bonus stuff for Lost. OMG. I had to just stop watching it because it was a bunch of white guys telling themselves and everyone else how fucking brilliant they are and how they shit out such great ideas and blah blah blah. They even left in a comment from one of the show’s creators about ‘how many girls – erm – women we interviewed for Kate’. And they LEFT it like that. What a bunch of assholes.

I was watching the news the other day and was really impressed that a talk show had a female host, three female guests, and one male guest. And then I got disgusted by the fact I was impressed.

One more straw for that straining camel’s back: I had recorded and so watched a film called Children of Men. Which of course was all about that women couldn’t have babies. Not that the men’s sperm was useless. It was a problem with the women. Naturally. And it was all about our wombs. Not us as people, but our wombs. That’s it. That’s all we are.

Fuck you.

This continual irritation and eyes wide open stuff is just getting worse with time, not better. Every damned example makes me all the more disgusted and angry. I’m supposed to be better now, right? My meds got upped, I chilled out to the max. Now it’s like I’m on another downswing and medically I don’t get it. Rationally, emotionally…That’s simple to understand. But medically? Why would I be okay on real low doses of my meds for so long and now when they’re increased it’s like they worked for a couple of months and now I’m back to where I started?

And I’m so. fucking. tired!

T hauled me out of the house yesterday for a meal. His feeling is that we ought to take advantage of all that’s on offer right now because we really don’t know if it will last. And he’s right. We should take advantage while we can. We headed to Markt Hall and just cruised the many food joints in there. The one noodle place we wanted to try had a waiting line outside the restaurant, so we went back to Bab Tuma. Gods! What great food! That’s the second time we’ve eaten there and everything is incredible. Fantastic lentil soup served with fresh lemon and soft bread. Falafel as good as the best I’ve ever had. Oh! And the pide! OMG. The veggie pide is to die for. Now all I want is to go back there.

I am determined to NOT take a week between exercising, but it’s getting close. And I still ache from band rehearsal. See? It doesn’t make sense. It’s not so cold or wet or anything else that my arthritis should be so active. But things just hurt. Like I’m just tired. I do not get it. There is no reason for this. Nothing I can point to and say ‘oh, yes…that makes sense’. And that…ticks me off to no end. I can take all the restrictions of my RA if it’s logical. Oh, I pushed too much yesterday or it’s cold today or the weather is fickle so I ache. But this illogical BS just out the blue? I do not handle that well at all. It’s just suffering for suffering’s sake. I hurt and I’m so tired I can’t pull it together for much and all of that makes me feel real down on myself which isn’t helping anything, either.

Okay. Alright. I give up. You win, Rheumatoid Arthritis. As usual. You play dirty, you know that? You’re a real fucker that I just hate. HATE. So much it goes beyond any hate I’ve ever experienced. I feel weak with hate. So weak that if you were really personified, I don’t think I could kill you. Which is weird, but that’s the level of it. Usually hate for me is an energising, empowering feeling. Not this hate. Not the hate I have for you. It’s almost god-like in its intensity and level and just…totally mixed up everything.

Am I tired? It’s my RA. Do I ache? It’s my RA. Am I grumpy and unsettled? It’s my RA. That’s my answer for everything today: it’s my RA. Why am I cursing so much? It’s my RA. You get the picture.

Time to grind up some super THC. T got some haze in the other week. I usually only add a small bit to my grinder ’cause haze is pretty powerful. I just filled my grinder with haze. Oooooh yeah, that’s a heavy hit. Hope it helps. It should. Or at a minimum, I won’t care so much because I’ll just be that high. But I’ve taken a lot of paracetamol lately and I don’t like it. I’ve taken it every day since band rehearsal. At least once a day. It should be only once in a while. Not every day. And certainly not multiple times every day. So marijuana it is.

Now I just kick back and keep entertained until T comes home. Then we eat and talk and chill together. It would be nice to not be a total bitch when he walks back in the house. There’s another reason to smoke straight haze. T doesn’t deserve me NOT high today. And he’ll totally get my everything answer, too. He’s been the one seeing it up front and personal. In fact, he’s far more accepting of that ‘it’s my RA’ answer than I am.

The time is comin’ for a nap. I can feel it in me. I’ll finish the film I’m half watching and turn to online videos for some entertainment. Then I’ll sleep for a bit. I’ve got some favourite YouTube presenters I like to sleep to. They’re not designed for that, but I find them totally relaxing.

Whatever works, right?

There has to be a way

I spent an hour today on the phone trying to sort out my appointments. And it wasn’t even for the November snafu, which turned out to be nothing because I’d misread the dates and they’re NOT on the same day. No. Today I tackled IND (immigration), which sent me a letter saying I needed to go up to Den Haag to pick up some documents. Had to call because I did that (for my new card) back in July. Apparently there’s something else I gotta pick up now, as well. So it’s back up to Den Haag for a very quick 10 minutes or less appointment. Then I had to work my way thru the online sign up for yet another coronavirus shot. In short, my agenda is booked for the next couple of weeks. I’ve got fysio, the coronavirus booster, blood tests, x-rays, a rheumatology appointment, a shrink appointment, and just stuff that I have to write down or I’ll bloody well forget. Oi! And half the appointments are very early in the a.m., so I’ll need to set my alarm. I’ve scheduled everything other than my blood tests, because apparently they’re not taking appointments for blood tests more than a week in advance. And I’ve sheets and sheets of letters and appointment cards sitting on my desk, all lined up in chronological order. I’m set.

Ach! Just looking at my schedule makes me feel tired.

Got up off my ass yesterday during a very nice break in the clouds and rain. Walked around gently for my back. Returned home and did some work before T got back. Managed to clean up ALL the air vents in the house in one go, which means I have then on the same schedule for cleaning. Hurrah! That only took a year or so. Did garbage and some hoovering, too. I feel pretty good about that.

Must do my nails today. My toenails haven’t been cleaned for two weeks, and I know dead skin builds up under my nails and ends up hurting if I don’t take care of it. My fingernails are just long. They could easily be fake nails at this point, but they’re not. I’m gonna have to cut them back or file them down so I can play my keyboard. And type without making dozens of errors. Grr. And I always have to do a soak before I work. Just cutting my nails hurts my hands. My nails are like superhero nails. Stuff that could scratch thru steel, you know? Great if you’re defending yourself. Not so great if you’re trying to not hurt anyone. They’re tough to take down.

We’ve had a rough week here. Downstairs (817) is back at it. Tuesday night it was loud music and bad singing late at night. Saturday it was a screaming match that began at 11pm and continued until some other neighbour popped out of their apartment and screamed at that couple to shut the fuck up. I’m really considering getting some revenge. Maybe throwing eggs at their front door or something. No, chances are I won’t do a damned thing. I’m too goody-goody. But that doesn’t mean I don’t fantasize over it. I’m still angry at our landlords, who kinda blew me off. So I’m not mentioning it in an email. But if T and I move, 817 will be the reason. No one in this building likes them. All they do is cause problems.

News: Two things I can tell you for sure. One is that we’re getting plenty of rain right now. We’ve a week of rain forecast. I think Rotterdam will be flush with water very quickly. The other is that the Ukrainian immigrants are really top priority right now. When I called IND, one of the first things the answering machine talked about was Ukrainian refugees. We’ve got a couple of them in the building, I think. I walked past an open door yesterday and heard two men yelling at each other in a slavic language. Couldn’t tell which slavic language, but it wasn’t latin based, I can tell you that. And as far as I know, they’re new tenants – so they’re probably Ukrainian. I’m still not pleased with the way that’s going. You’d hardly think there were any immigrants other than Ukrainians. That’s just so wrong. It’s like all the other immigrants are just being shoved aside and forgotten. And NL really has to do something about the ‘refugees’ that come from non-refugee nations. We’ve all sorts of people claiming they have nowhere else to go, but their home country isn’t listed as unsafe. Yet, we have loads of people trying to claim refugee status from these nations. Why is NL even looking at these requests? I don’t get it.

Ah. T noticed the price increases. He’s making his homemade lasagne today and the bio veg he puts in has almost doubled in price. That’s the first big increase we’ve seen. There have been little increases, ten cents more here or there. The aubergine was double what we paid a few months ago. And I guess the mushrooms have gone up, too. Good thing we don’t use either on a regular rotation, only for special dishes. Our staple veg hasn’t increased in price that much.

Been a bit angry lately. Yelling at the tv. It isn’t nearly what it was, but it is happening. I’ll note it in my calendar for Dr T. News is always the culprit. And it’s always either US or UK news that sets me off. I can’t remember an instance of Dutch news setting me off. But everyone else? Dude! Watch the fuck out. Nonsense. Cannot believe how horrible politicians are in the states. Cannot believe how stupid politicians are in the UK. The lies! The blatant lies! Cannot fathom why you’re taking it. Seriously.

And I’ve been having flashbacks to my early childhood. That’s when I remember loads of ads on tv to save the children from famine. Starving kids broadcast pretty non-stop. Getting it again. Now. It’s only gonna get worse. As will the conflicts. I’m hoping that nuclear options are off the table, but let’s face it: we’ve lived with nuclear fallout for over half a century now. Humanity of some sort can live thru it. It’s no longer the end all deterrent it once was. Yeah, people will die. Yeah, people will get cancer. Yeah, mutated humans will be born. But humanity will survive. In some fashion. I don’t want to be part of it. Let me go out in a big flash if it comes to that! Better than hanging around for a year or two in agony as your body eats itself. That’s my opinion, anyway.

Happy stuff, eh?

I’ll put aside my choice for ultimate death for now. I got normal stuff to do. Nails and music and cleaning, oh my! All that day to day crap that just somehow takes up all my time. Appointments and doctors and shots. Ugh. I have no idea how I’m supposed to balance taking care of myself, which seems to take up my entire day, and employment. But I gotta figure it out. Other people do it.

There has to be a way.

Not doing well

Let’s start with good news. I haven’t lost it. Yet. Again. It’s total touch and go, tho. T and I are in clash mode. Every time I want to do something, T is right there, making it impossible. I’ll assume it goes both ways (but I have zero proof). Today is the second day I’ve moved my plans around. I wanted to make a pear lime pie, but T’s all over the stove and kitchen area, making it impossible. Hoping he lets me in tomorrow, ’cause the pears I bought won’t last forever. And the noise! Man! I’ve bitched about increased city noise outside my window, but that’s got nothing on T. Humming, crunching paper extra slow (’cause somehow that’s gonna be a softer sound), banging pans, running water over and over and over. I’ve lost count as to how many time I have to turn the volume up on the tv, something I rarely do – or I used to rarely do. Now it seems I have to do it every hour or so.

I am luckily sitting here, just showered. T’s work made me move all that around, too. Can’t go into the shower when he’s working in the kitchen and using water every other minute. Not unless I enjoy a hot/cold/cold/hot showering experience, which I do not.

Now for all the rest.

First on the chop block: my pustular psoriasis. Will have to keep a close eye on it. When I hopped in the shower today, I saw light red spots all over my torso, which could be the first sign it’s spreading to other parts of my body. Done my research; it shouldn’t break out on my face but every other part of my body is up for grabs with this shit. Now, the spots are light and they’re not a full break out, but they DO look like it in the early stages. I’ve slathered my body with lotion (aloe vera) and my feet with my ointment and I’ll pray really, really hard that it doesn’t spread to the rest of my body.

Yeah. Like THAT’S ever saved me.

*sigh* I just can’t seem to find any reason to pick myself up and go on. Not like I did, anyway. I won’t off myself or anything. I just…. I don’t have any reason to lose weight or exercise or try. And I gotta. I gotta try. Try to find a job, try to pass a language test, try to keep it together. But it honestly seems like just not losing it is all I can manage. And not even THAT half the time. Is this depression? Or just me finally letting go of the last of my ego? I don’t want to have sex anymore, so the way I look isn’t a thing, I’m not worried about attracting anyone. The only thing I DO have to adhere to is my promise to T to continue to hang on and not kill myself outright. And to help him as much as I can. I just…don’t feel like I can do much right now.

Or that’s my cop out. …Whatever. I’m tired of trying to psychoanalyse myself.

Still having headaches. Like, every day. And now my hips are aching more than ever. And I can’t take paracetamol because I’m still on that don’t use it phase per my last doc visit. So I’m sitting here with zero help, a fairly bad and consistent headache and now hip pain. It doesn’t make life easy. In fact, my head has been so bad that T’s laugh often makes it worse. Which doesn’t help me keep it together at all. But T kinda hoots when he laughs and it can get pretty high pitched. Do that loudly next to me in the evening and it’s not too surprising for me to say it makes my headaches worse. I just don’t want to be THAT person, you know? I mean…what am I supposed to say? Don’t laugh ’cause it hurts me? Fu-u-u-u-u-uck.

Ah. Another ray of ‘life doesn’t totally suck’. My gum pain has subsided. I thought I’d been a bit too aggressive with brushing and that was it. Seems I was correct. So that’s cool.

Other than that I’m just struggling. And that DOES suck.

The weather here remains cooler, in the low 20s, with some rain now and then and plenty of cloud cover. Especially nice having seen an article that NL had more sunshine hours this year than every before (according to solar power stats). Good for our grid and green energy use, but it does indicate a shift due to climate change. Saw also an article from the BBC that stated that tropical fruit and veg is doing really well in England this year – again, it’s due to climate change. T thought I was silly to call for buying up large tracts of desert ’cause it will turn into farmland or recreational areas. I don’t think I am. This is happening far quicker than anyone imagined. If we don’t move and move fast, it WILL be the end of us. Shifting crops around is one of the fastest fixes we can do. If the UK is suddenly hot enough to successfully grown tropical foods, then DO it. Plant them and grow them. As soon as Greenland is free of glaciers, it’ll be fertile farmland. And I’ll bet at this rate that before this body kicks it, Greenland will finally be green.

Right now, my focus is Wednesday, which will be our first band rehearsal in many weeks. And I’m not even worried about the fucking music, people. I’m only worried about my attitude. That’s it. I want to smile and have a good time no matter what I sound like or how many mistakes I make or anything. All I want is to be friendly and pleasant to be around. Which, I think, will be a major shift from where I’ve been lately. I guess I bitched about the stupidity of the old BBC Avengers so much last night that even T was hesitant to watch another episode. In my defence, it WAS a horrible episode dealing with a robot that was shot and had to undergo ‘surgery’. Really, really stupid. And stupid just for the sake of being stupid; they knew better by the 60s. But I guess I kinda lost it. Not without a reason! There’s only so much stupid I can take, and by evening tv time my metre is pretty full already. Anyway. I feel a bit bad about it. But only a bit, ’cause everything that made me do it is still rolling around inside me.

I guess that merits a mark in my calendar.

I’m not doing well.

Get over it

OMG. I did not ask for everything to be updated on my computer, but there it went, all of its own accord, losing ALL of my bookmarks and introducing a new system that I lost over an hour on trying to find where everything was (and I still haven’t found all of it).

Been trying to get a hold of my GP and having zero luck. First the med center said the receptionist was busy with something like a staff meeting and no one could answer the phone. Then I called back a few hours later and the message was changed, telling me that the med center was closed. No opportunity to leave a message, no way to get thru. I don’t know what’s going on.

Not cool.

On the subject of not cool, temps today are scheduled to reach 29C. The heat started moving in yesterday afternoon. By evening it you could feel it: our western windows, despite the black out curtains, radiate that late afternoon heat into the flat. With luck we’ll have thunderstorms today that will break this wave.

Been a bit better. T and I went out for a meal yesterday. Nothing fancy; just a Turkish place that has good Turkse pizzas. Made a few jokes at the tv last night. No swearing. So it’s better. I feel less heavy and dark and empty.

I’ll avoid talking about the news ’cause all it does is set me off. Things out there still suck and are bound to suck for several decades more at the very least.

And I’m being extra careful with tv. I was watching a melodrama on our Prime tv system, but although I was very invested in the story, it was depressing me even more so I had to stop watching. Now I’m just kinda floating with viewing. I’ll fall back and watch Star Trek Discovery soon. For weeks now, T’s been asking me what I want to watch and I’ve told him I wanted to watch Discovery again. But he’s always choosing something else. Never Discovery. I don’t know why. All I know is that I’ve asked for it for weeks and been refused. It’s time I take it out and watch it on my own. But I’ll say this: BEWARE! I know for certain that when I do start to watch it in the afternoons, I’ll hear how T was gonna start watching it that very night and if ONLY I’d held off for a few more hours we could go thru it together. Yes, this has happened before. Often.

Chafing a bit with T’s control. TV viewing is just one example. Food is another. He’s read some articles stating the amount of micro plastics in fish is rising so now we’re a no fish household no matter HOW much I like a good fish meal. His mind is made up and it is now law. I swear: this is the same attitude that Moses must have had when he carried the commandments down to the people. It is written in STONE, people. Do not question it!

Coronavirus infections are rising at a terrible rate; currently it’s a 70% infection rate. The gov’t does NOT want to close down again, so they’re asking individual companies to set their own guidelines and people to just use some common sense. I find it worrying. There’s been discussion of another round of booster vaccinations but thus far that’s not materialised. And we’re open for festivals, which are attracting more and more tourists that are bringing in more and more germs. Our highest infection rates are of course in Amsterdam and Den Haag, two big tourist cities. Autumn could be a real problem, with flu and coronavirus mixing into a hell of a illness. I do NOT need another hit of this illness. At all. I’m just feeling back to normal after the first hit.

Onwards. Hopefully upwards, too. I’m ready to really feel better.

Ah. I’ve stumbled into a zombie/coronavirus story on tv (The Bite). That’ll do for now.

*sigh* Well, back to it. I’ll try to find the sites I used to have bookmarked and bookmark them again. This ‘update’ now shows my computer as a new computer bloody everywhere, so even once I find the sites I want I have, I have to go thru the whole effing cookie acceptance thing that just effing wastes my time. In other words: it takes hours to reset. Computers used to be good machines. Not any more. They’re just cheap imitations of what they once were (like phones). I am really sounding old these days, aren’t I? Things were better in my day! Get off my lawn, you kids!

So what. I AM old.

Get over it.

I need a break from myself

More fucking frustration.

So T suggested – right before I was headed out on a walk yesterday – that we take the metro downtown to the river so he could show me a ‘nice walk’ down there. Thought about biting his head off and telling him he’s GOT to fucking let me walk when I want to walk, but I didn’t. He brings shit like that up because he sees I’m not coming out of this fucking depression and he’s trying to help me. And quite often when he pulls me out of the house, it DOES help. So I listened and held myself back and went downtown with him. It was a nice walk along the river. But of course I never made my speed and we stopped to relax AND bought food along the way, so I can hardly consider it part of my exercise routine. It was just a slow walk down by the river. That’s all.

Not helping: I put some jeans on yesterday, thinking I’d wear them downtown only to find that it seems I’ve gained even MORE weight ’cause they were fucking tighter than ever. And I’ve been walking and avoiding sugar and ALL of that. Really made me feel like a loser.

Headed out today ’cause I just couldn’t sit in this flat any fucking more this morning. Came back to loud music being played in the flat ’cause T is out in the living room doing work and he prefers to have music playing rather than the tv blaring. So I’m all the fuck out of sorts ’cause that’s NOT the way I’d do things and it’s bugging the fuck out of me (especially since T is playing some of our covers which I don’t think I did a good job singing on).

So I’m fat and it’s hot today and none of this excess weight is shifting and I was all worked up to come back here this morning and start watching my Dutch tv shows I’ve recorded to help me with language and I’m not doing ANY of it and I feel like I can’t even THINK with this music on.

And I really don’t want to bite T’s head off about any of this shit.

Saw an article that a majority of people these days are feeling depressed over the news. About fucking time! And Welcome to My World. The world is SHIT and people are SHIT and everything is going to HELL. We should feel depressed.

I am taking my pills. Doing everything they tell me to. Still not fucking feeling it. And the longer it takes for me to fucking feel better or drop some of this fucking weight, the worse I fucking feel. It shouldn’t take so fucking long. I shouldn’t be struggling so fucking much by this point. Look, dude! Summer is HERE, finally, with all the sun and heat I’d expect and I still feel horrible. Fuck this SAD shit. I don’t think Dr T has that right. I’m up and down no matter WHAT the fucking season. And expecting myself to feel better just ’cause it’s fucking sunny outside makes no fucking sense to me whatsoever because it ain’t really the LACK of light that’s been bugging me so fucking much.

And I’m using ‘fuck’ way too often, in my opinion.

That’s it. Nothing new. Nothing bright. I’m just frustrated and fucking out of sorts and bitchy and not right and I can’t seem to make a difference no matter what I do.

Tomorrow Dr T gets this all thrown at him. I hope he can do more with it than I.

‘Cause I’m about ready to fucking give it up. Stop trying ’cause it ain’t fucking working for SHIT and why the FUCK should I knock myself out to continue to feel SO FUCKING SHITTY? The best I seem to do is make myself so fucking tired I can’t keep my eyes open. That’s it.

I really need a break from myself.

By my fingernails

Life sucks. The world sucks. Humanity sucks.

WHY aren’t women training to kill all men? Seriously. Every woman on this planet should be in various self defence classes. Learn how to use every weapon available to us. Because it’s fucking certain that men aren’t white knights. Just look at the damned vid coming out of China. Those men are REAL men, aren’t they? Punching women as they hold children. Throwing women down in the street and beating and kicking them mercilessly. THAT’S how men treat women. All the other stuff, the romantic shit we’re so fucking sold on is ANOMOLOUS behaviour. Men don’t naturally act like that. How do they naturally act? Take another look at that fucking video. THAT’S it. And it is MORE than time for every woman on this planet to fight the fuck back. Kill the men. Just fucking off them if they DARE to try ANYTHING with us.

Every goddess damned problem on this planet can be traced back to men. Every. single. one. Tell me again WHY we put up with this shit?

My rock of depression is now a fire pit in my belly burning bright with righteous anger. It’s no better. Worse, as a matter of fact. Chances of me actually getting into it with some random guy because he’s a brainless asshole are VERY high.

Plan is to head out and walk until I fucking drop. I mean that today. Gonna walk my fucking feet off. Get myself so damned tired I can’t do anything to keep my fucking eyes open when I come back. Fuck it. Fuck everything. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Don’t care if the shut off comes from prescription meds or street drugs or fucking walking until I drop. I just want it to fucking stop.

Oh, yeah. And now they’re trying to convince me that all raw materials for tampons come from Ukraine, too. What the fuck? That’s your excuse? OMG. That’s so out of proportion fucking lying to our faces I can’t even DEAL with it. I suggest all of you who still menstruate to find these old white men (and I guarantee you, that’s who you’ll find behind ALL of this) and menstruate on their heads. No tampons? Use their fucking fringe hair (’cause you KNOW they gonna be bald). Smear your blood all over their fucking faces. Fucking lying fucking assholes.

Can hardly believe I’m still on my meds and I’m the one fucking taking them.

Obviously I need to cut this short and go deal with myself ’cause it ain’t getting better.

WHY, oh WHY is it so much fucking work just to feel not so sad or angry or riled or frustrated or depressed? Sometimes it’s like all my energy goes into just NOT feeling like I want to off myself. I never rise above that place unless I’m on a manic high and unlike my anti-depressants, my anti-manic pills seem to take care of the fucking problem VERY well. I’m all trying not to hate everyone and everything while getting zero high points to float me thru. In general, I only think other people are okay when I’m on the up. Usually they just SUCK SHIT. So there I am: people suck shit, the usual crap Dr T tells me to do like get sun or exercise ain’t helping me AT ALL and I can’t seem to pull myself out of this no matter what the fuck I do.

Meh. And now T is reminding me of the 14 year old US kid who weighed over 300 pounds and died from a ride. 300 pounds. At 14. That kid should have been forcibly taken away from its parents. Pretty fucking obvious those parents are both (a) neglecting the kid and (b) abusing it as well. No kid of 14 should be that size. Americans are the absolute worst of humanity. In SO many ways.

Me bitching isn’t gonna change anything. And it feels like there’s no end to my bitching today, so I’m gonna stop and get the fuck out of the flat. Not expecting it to help. Not expecting to feel any better.

I’m just hanging on. By my fingernails.

There I go again

Did ya walk? No. No, I did not. Thought I should and all that, but the day kinda spun out of my control. T wanted a meal smack in the middle of the day, which was okay with me ’cause I’m not into eating breakfast (something I have to swap around when I get a job). But the meal was great and I didn’t want to jump into some negative scenario with a full stomach, so I chilled and lost even more time. I DID scrub out the WC ’til it shined. That’s a job and a half in and of itself. And I did dishes and my laundry. Even T told me to take it easy after all that. But no, no walkies. And no music.

See? Do you see how you set yourself up, Beeps? You make these long lists of stuff you just gotta get to now, now, now, and when you don’t (because even Wonder Woman would have a difficult time finishing everything you list out in my head) you beat yourself up for not doing what you wanted.

Should I stop making lists? They help, but they also hinder. And in all honesty, I don’t need one more thing to help me beat myself up. I’m an expert in that.

So today was supposed to be warmer. Turning out it’s not that nice. Yesterday the forecast said 19C. Now we’ll be lucky to top 16. But it won’t rain – so they say. Awfully dark clouds out there right now.

My shrink is always telling me that the Dutch aren’t all that nice. Well, I saw it this morning. Videos of the latest fucking football riot in Den Haag. What. a bunch. of fucking hooligans. No reason for what they did. Awful people that should never be allowed to go to a game. Fireworks, beatings, storming the field (twice). It took cops on horses with batons and dogs attacking these fuckers before they stopped. Loads of people arrested. I just hope they really throw the book at them. Rioting after a fucking game – a GAME, for fuck’s sake! Totally unacceptable. And if that’s the way you react, then YES: this ‘game’ should be completely banned. Never played again. Don’t give a fuck how many dozens of players it affects. It should be fucking outlawed.

Ugh. Goddess save me from yet another photo op for the Prez at a fucking massacre! If the US president showed up after I went thru something like that I think I’d slap the fucker right across the face. Oh, we came here to pray with you. Fuck you! DO something. This is a time for an executive order if there ever was one. Even if it’s overturned later on, Biden should issue an exec order right now to PROVE that he ain’t just blowing steam up everyone’s ass. But, no. Everyone also knows nothing is gonna change.

There you got it: all the reasons I left my birthplace rolled up into one. The violence, the ineffectual prayers, the lack of action, the status quo, and the continual verbal abuse by the right wing extremists shouting everyone down. FUCK THEM for holding an NRA meet right after this. Every single person affected by this massacre should have shown up with a fucking gun and started shooting at that fucking meeting. Every. single. person. But I guess the only people willing to kill that many other people are the ones already in the hall!

“The pen is mightier than the sword.” Not really true. What’s truer: when the pen fails, the sword takes care of business. And the pen is failing these days. We have flat earthers. FLAT EARTHERS. People who don’t believe the FACT that the planet is a sphere. They think we live on a flat disc floating on the back of a turtle or something. Total bullshit. But it’s allowed because it’s a BELIEF. Even tho that belief is false. A lie. Proven to not be accurate. If you can prove a statement is a lie, it’s no longer a belief. It’s a defence mechanism. Belief should be restricted to religious ideas or morals. Not factual information that can be proven. Why did this get out of control? Who began the idea that belief covers everything from religion to how the planet developed? Probably the same ones who are now online stating that Americans who use ‘I seen’ rather than ‘I saw’ are using a colloquialism that should be honoured, NOT that they are ignorant fucks who never learned how to even properly speak their own language! Just another lie that everyone is glossing over.

But when IS it time to pick up a weapon and fight? I mean… If I go off and try to do it all by myself, I’m some crazy sociopath. But if I can convince enough people around me to do it with me, I could start a revolution. Where IS that cut off? 100? 1000?

I know: walk it out. Get out there, walk as hard and as fast as I can for as long as I can. It doesn’t really DO anything. I don’t solve any of my problems by doing that. I’m just trying to get my brain to release some fucking endorphins so I feel better. So I can sit in my chair and laugh at the tv rather than just think about how polluted the world is. It feels so wrong. But I’m supposed to do it so I don’t go nuts. Or more nuts than I already am. It doesn’t make sense to me. Shouldn’t everyone be feeling what I’m feeling? Shouldn’t the world be contemplating our total annihilation? Shouldn’t everyone stop using cars right now, immediately? Shouldn’t everyone feel guilty when they see garbage dumps? I feel fucking awful when I see garbage on the fucking streets, for fuck’s sake! Why am I in the wrong here? Shouldn’t everyone else be taking meds so they stop fucking denying what’s going on? Wouldn’t that make the world a better place? I don’t get it. At all. And you know what’s the WORST of it?!? I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want the depression. I don’t want to continually be thinking about how much pollution is being caused by every action around me. I really don’t. So I take the fucking pills that are supposed to keep me at least a bit closer to ‘normal’ than I generally am. And I walk and do all the rest of it, too. Because if I don’t, I can’t do anything but cry. I can’t even stop myself from crying. Sure can’t do anything else. And goddess help me, I’ve been there. And telling myself that normal includes shit like mindlessly fucking or polluting and being able to NOT think about it or even care… Well, then. You know what my answer is? So when I was in my 20s doing cocaine every day and drinking more than even a dedicated alcoholic, I was acting ‘normal’? Because that’s the only time in my entire life I ever acted that way! And YES, part of the reason I did all of it WAS to act like ‘normal’ people I saw around me. To be able to do all of that and not care so much.

Fuck.

I just ain’t good at this life.

At this game.

And make no mistake about it: it IS a game.

With so much nonsense going on, it’s GOT to be a game. Think about it. The only reason SOME people have get out of jail free cards is because they literally have get out of jail free cards. And why is it impossible to make real change in some areas of life? Well, you can’t change the gameboard, can you? It came pre-printed. Let’s think about that one… Okay. Big ideas like equal rights for women. That’s a pretty universal problem that never ever changes. Obviously it’s pre-printed on this game board. What else? Capitalism. Even before the word was coined, the idea of exploiting anything and everything under one’s control was all over humanity. All over the world. That’s a pre-printed square on our board, too. Pyramid building. NOT the pyramids, I’m talking about human social structures. The ancient Greeks were probably the least pyramid scheme in their government, but it was still restricted to the few men who had enough money or property or family or all three to lay claim to it. But always a top down structure. One head, perhaps a figure head, sometimes a real dictator. Then a small spread, but always, always top down. Pyramid. That’s another pre-printed ideal in our game. … I’ve really gotta get a list going.

And OOOOOOOooooooooo! Yet another list.

*sigh* There I go again.

As long as I’m able

Down, down, down. Yesterday I walked around totally bummed out. Yes, I’m making light of it. It’s the most depressed I’ve felt in a long time. Told T about getting triggered by that neighbourhood cat that looks like Sable. He actually got up and gave me a hug, something he doesn’t often do, so even he could see how effing depressed I’ve got.

We now have nation wide warnings on water shortages and upcoming food shortages. Brabant has a total water ban on. Nothing is supposed to get better, either. No rain in the forecast for weeks to come. Articles on how the dykes and ditches are falling apart because they’re not wet enough. NL’s little grace period is over. We’re right on track to burn or die of thirst and hunger just like the rest of you.

Even the addition of Season 4 of The Handmaid’s Tale to our tv system didn’t make me feel any better. I’ve been waiting and waiting for the release. But it’s not exactly something to be happy about. The story is very difficult for me to watch. I still haven’t finished the book because (a) I didn’t want spoilers and (b) I found it triggered me left and right and I just couldn’t read it comfortably. I do intend to finish it at some point. T knows when the show goes on, he has to be extra quiet and not bother me. He knows how important the show is to me. I’m looking forward to a couple of days of tv glut.

And The Handmaid’s Tale is an appropriate in to US news. I am so glad that I’m past child bearing years! I am so glad I’m through menopause, and nothing my body does or doesn’t do at this point is of any interest to any man anywhere. I am so terrified by all that’s happening in the US. My heart is breaking for all the women still stuck there. And every single article that says now that they’re threatening to roll back the right to choose, your rights to gay marriage and contraception are on the block. It’s an old saying, but it holds true: Take up arms, because once they silence me they’re coming for you. Gilead is forming right before our very eyes. It’s happening right now in the US. And just like in the series, there are plenty of people who are supporting it because they think they’re righteous when they’re not and once they get a taste of power they won’t let it go. If I still lived in the US I think I’d go on a rampage. Take up arms and just start randomly shooting men. In the penis. I wouldn’t kill them, just shoot their penises off. Take away their built in weapon against women. Live if you can without it. Die if you can’t. I really don’t care.

News, officially, is pretty much shit. As you might imagine, Ukraine is still the number one spot. Lots of stories on how NL celebrated Remembrance Day. It’s a very big thing here; even the public transport shuts down for 2 minutes in the evening to ‘remember’. Sorry; but not many are left who actually remember. This is second and third gen ‘memories’ at this point. We’re still having problems at Schipol, but flights are getting back on track. Shell made a killing in the 1st quarter. Then it’s all sports, sports, sports. Zero news on refugees, housing situation, covid. Yesterday an article ran on the water shortage in Brabant. Today, nothing (I guess it’s over and done with?).

My keyboard is back at home. Yea! It was a quick fix. The repair guy said it wasn’t even that dirty. Good to know. Greta (that’s her name, like Greta Garbo, ’cause she’s sleek and sexy) has been through a lot with me. Gigging, studio work, song creation. She’s been surrounded by smokers and used on a regular basis. But she wasn’t dirty. Good! I do my best to take care of Greta. I did NOT like her when I first got her. I was used to mega sound studio keys, with big fucking sound mixes that played continuously when I held a note. Greta has some of the best raw samples I’ve heard in her banks – but they’re raw. First thing I had to learn was how to play her. No brain freeze I’ll hold this key down for 8 measures and it will just go and go anymore. Had to learn how to mimic all the instruments in an orchestra. Had to learn how to mix them, how to EQ them. And I learned to love what Greta gave me. But it took time. Now, however, I’ve worked with her for so long and done so many shows and albums with her I just didn’t want to lose her. I’m glad she’s back in my house, and as soon as I’m done glutting thru the entire season 4 of The Handmaid’s Tale I’m gonna uncover her and start playing.

I’m sick and tired of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Please stop covering their fucking divorce proceedings. This is such bullshit.

I’m gonna enjoy what I can these days. Because you don’t know. Might not be around next year. Get up to the lake and take a swim this summer. Might be dried up next year. Get some fresh fruit and veg and glut my heart out by eating them all ’cause next year there might be nothing. Breathe in the air cause it ain’t gonna get any cleaner.

We’re so headed for it now. Right wing gaining ground in many nations. Food shortages. Fuel shortages. Extreme weather. We’re headed for another world war. When things go bad, men – and I DO mean men – tend to take out their frustrations on weaker individuals, meaning women and children. So increases in abusive situations. More rape. More neglect. More violence in small situations. That’s gonna snowball. Think Ukraine is bad? Wait until it spills out into real world war. We are seeing all the signs. It’s coming.

But everybody is gonna ignore that shit, just like everyone is ignoring climate change info. We haven’t made any headway in environmental issues. In fact, we’ve been creating more environmental damage than ever before. That’s what humanity DOES. Ignore and ignore and then ‘suddenly’ there’s war and no one can quite figure out the why of it or how it was allowed to get so fucking bad. WAKE UP!! THIS IS HOW IT GETS SO BAD!

I’m here. War or no, shortages or gluts, this is my home. I’ll keep you posted as best I can. As long as I’m able.

How I love my life

Just back from an early shrink appointment. The words never stopped – music, the band, my CV, news, music, books, jokes, music, frustration, bruises, music again. Dr T says I’m doing fine, it should be no surprise that I get wound up after rehearsal, and all is good. The words still aren’t stopping, so here I am. Again.

Rehearsal 2 last night. I was more relaxed than the first time and had more fun, too. *sigh* But I have some true frustrations. No one can tell me what key they’re in. T can give me the bass notes and the guitarist has given me his chords as best as he is able, but… No key. And since the guitarist is squashing some chords and transposing (not always correctly), I can’t play the original lines I worked so hard to learn. Really disappointed with that. Ugh. Gotta learn his squared off delivery and manner. A few high points, including the guitarist telling me he felt really good about the sound and thought we were sounding better than it ever has. My frustration is just that: mine. But it may come down to spending a few afternoons with the guitarist, slowly picking through the songs I’m having trouble with. I’ll keep working on it. Oh, and it did NOT help that I couldn’t sing that fucking song, either. T didn’t remember what note I began on, and no one gave me the key (again) and I guess they think I should just be able to pick (1) my starting note out of the air as well as (2) the key I’m singing in, again, straight out of the air. Ugh. I think I’ve just got to get on my key and figure it out myself. I plan on playing while singing, anyway. I know how to support what I want to do, even if the rest of the band is fucking around.

My knee still hurts. Sometimes a lot. The surface bruising is gone, but I’m sure at this point that I’ve bruised either the bone or the cartilage or something else deep in there. Holy hell. Sitting on the metro last night heading down to the rehearsal room made it hurt. I can sit just fine, but when I get up that knee is really tight and painful because it hasn’t been straightened out for the whole ride. It can take a good five minutes of walking before it stops aching.

My hand, on the other – er – hand, is covered with an ugly black and blue deep bruise. Seems like playing last night made it come out all the more. Little wonder; it’s right where my hand tendons run, so I used it a lot last night. At least it doesn’t hurt like my knee does.

It’s taking a lot of will power to NOT start working on music right now. I gotta pull apart everything. Find out what he thinks he’s playing, find out what effing key we’re in (or at least what notes to avoid in my runs), find out where that sweet melody is that I KNOW fits in even if the guys all looked at me like I was playing something from Mars last night. However. Now is not the time. My mood tells me that. I’d be cranky and irritated the entire time. I gotta calm down first.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

I’ll turn to happier subjects. Top of my list is the wonderful book Auntie Mame by Patrick Dennis. What. a. total. joy! It’s made me laugh out loud, something not easily done. I’m in love with the writing style, in love with the characters, and in love with the fact that my favourite film version is dead on in so many aspects of the story. That’s doubly true after reading The Magicians, which is at the opposite end of the writing spectrum: stuck up and lousy with almost zero relation to the show. But Auntie Mame? Oh, yes! Cato giggles as madly as he does in the film. Mame is as outrageous, or more so. I’m getting more on Patrick, and Agnes, and Vera than the film gives me and all of it is a balls out comedy that just rolls on from one laugh to the next. I can see why it became a best seller and a play, a film and musical (though the musical version is by far – FAR! – the worst).

Still having acid-like flashbacks from the movie Rocketman. The band is doing some Elton John songs, so it’s coming up for me. Gods! Seriously! I prefer the flashbacks I get from Lynch’s season 3 of Twin Peaks to the ones I get from Rocketman, and the flashbacks from Twin Peaks are all in the range of utter creepiness but they’re STILL better than the Rocketman shit. Can I sue someone over that film? Seems I’ve suffered some mental damage from it. I can’t rid myself of those gaudy music video type interludes. Or how utterly Elton comes off as a spoiled, whiny brat more than anything else. Yuck! Awful, awful shit. I wish I’d never watched it.

News: I’ve seen numbers as high as 100,000 daily infections. The news claims that’s from more backlogged tests, but… I don’t know. There’s only so many times they can claim that. There are a LOT of infections. Just say it. Hospitalisations are on the rise, and still we’re not stopping with relaxing our measures. Lots of distractions in the form of non Dutch news. I was totally incensed yesterday when I read that a bridge in Rotterdam has to be dismantled because Jeff Bezos has had a yacht built here and the masts are so big they can’t get it out to sea unless they take the bridge apart. What. an. asshole. At least Bezos is gonna get a bill for the work. We’ll see if NL actually makes him pay it. I hope so.

Weather remains dark, grey, wet, and windy. Trying not to complain too much; there are so many places so much worse off than us! We’re getting the moisture we need. We’re not burning, or flooding, or being blown away in winds or washed away in high tides or lost under feet of snow. From all I hear, that puts us head and shoulders above a lot of places.

My head still feels tight and full. Fu-u-uck. And now my foot is curling up in a charley horse cramp.

Oh, how I love my life.

Perfect 10

Programming. Ugh. It’s what I’m currently doing to myself to learn some of the vocals for the band. T is right; I need to learn them, ergo, learn them. The best way to do that is to program myself with the songs. Listen in batches of 3, over and over, day after day. Until I can just sing them. Problem is, I really don’t like any of them. They’re okay, but not my first choice in any stretch of the imagination. But that’s programming for you. I find I rarely do it for me. It’s always someone else telling me I need to learn it, or break the habit, or change this or that, so I do it. And I always complain during the process, because I’m so damned painfully aware this isn’t for me. So, bitch, bitch, bitch. I gotta learn songs I don’t really care for.

Also finding frustration when I think I’ve got it, then T and I play together and I find that no, I don’t have it. Transposition, horrible notes on my part, mistakes… Ugh. Taking the day off today. My brain feels like it’s spinning in my skull when I think of music.

Cold and cut the fuck off. That’s what it’s been lately: heavy fog so you can barely see across the street and freezing temps. Today is the first day I can see the buildings over by the next metro stop. They’ve been hidden in white for a long time.

NL news: Well, there are claims our infection rates are falling, but no numbers. Big news today is the new cabinet will announce whether or not we’re still in lock down. I think Canada has it right; just tax the unvaccinated. That takes all the onus off of the hospitality sector to check shit out. And it put the money straight into the gov’t’s pocket who have to pay for a lot of the testing and care of these idiots. Good idea! Tax the idiots. Canada’s vaccination rate shot through the roof when they announced it. Seeing more articles on the housing shortage and increased climate change pressure on industry. Medical personnel are in short supply and schools are all over the place, trying to open but many times just not having enough teachers to do so.

Our tv system loaded up Dexter, so I’ve had a chance to see it for the first time. I like the dark humour. And the dive into mental health issues. It’s already on the ‘buy it’ list at this point. Still waiting on an order T put in, which should include ST Discovery Season 3, the new Bond film, and a couple of other goodies which I can’t remember right now. Keep haunting the internet for info on some stuff I’m waiting for, like Season 2 of Avenue 5 or anything from Motherland: Fort Salem.

Oh. And I’ve decided: I want a Nadia doll, like the one in What We Do In the Shadows. Seriously. I just want one that sits there looking cute and every once in a while comes out with one of Nadia’s great lines. Please! I know you want to make it. It would be so cool!

Spending the day viewing old VHS tapes with entertainment we can no longer find available. Or at least we can’t find it below 50 euro a film. Ach! We have an odd, very macabre sense of humour in the house, so we’re attracted to that kind of stuff. But that kind of stuff gets labelled as ‘cult’ a lot, which is industry speak for expensive because these nerds will pay it. Aa-a–and, they’re right. I’ll pay it. Eventually. Just not so long as our VHS tapes keep working. Currently on: Dead End with Ray Wise. Look it up; it’s one of those shouldn’t be missed things. Great mix of horror and humour.

Feels lately like I’m getting ready to jump. Sort of tensing up a lot. I keep seeing all the stuff I should do, categorizing it in my head, but not moving on it. Not yet. I’m holding back again. Don’t want to ride myself for it, either. I’ll know when it’s time. And leaping too early is like coming in early on a song; maybe the rest of the band can stay together, but it’s gonna cause waves. I’m aiming for a perfect entry, no splashback. After years of being off the social track, I’ll step back onto it like a pro, without a hiccup. No one will even believe I’ve been away for so long.

It’ll be that perfect 10.