Hopefully

And here. we. go.

It is September. But we’ve got the warmest weather thus far this year. 25C+ temps forecast for all week. Oh, the poor kids! They all looked pretty discouraged having to go back to school recently because no one feels like they really got a good summer in, and now it’s hot like it should have been 2 months ago. I had a feeling this might happen. Just…a feeling.

I’m not trying to do much of anything. *sigh* That means I will once again be off my preferred gym schedule. But along with the hottest weather this year, it’s also supposed to be ‘hazy’ which is just another world for ‘humid’. I took paracetamol this morning because I felt I had a headache going from my issues. I’m also really stuffed up. My weather site says allergies to dust and dander will peak during this week. Won-der-ful.

Did manage to do the dishes today. T hadn’t done them and they needed doing, particularly because his student is coming today. So I did them. Slowly and carefully. I think I did very well. Didn’t hurt my back or my wrists or anything. But I’ve got the front room as picked up as it’s gonna be right now in our living chaos. That’s what we’ve got: living chaos. To call our front room eclectic would be kind. It’s packed with our studio equipment that’s old and moving into the vintage realm by now. Then there are our computers on desks. The huge corner TV altar, complete with 5 levels of DVD shelves. A couple of recliners for us to chill on. And, of course, the dining room table because this whole space is open to the kitchen as well.

Yes. Our front room literally is ‘everything including the kitchen sink’.

So. T went out and bought some films yesterday. Our haul includes John Wick 4 because we had to finish that story on our shelves AND – get ready for it – Cocaine Bear. I sort of begged T to get it. Kept bringing it up, saying how funny I thought it would be and all that, so he made sure to purchase it. O.M.G. I wasn’t wrong. Instant classic springs immediately to mind. I laughed SO hard! I think it’s easily gonna become one of my favourite films. And you know what? I think I kind of remember the story it’s based on, the real cocaine/parachute drop thing. It rang a bell with me.

Ah, yeah! The 80s. The decade in which the only answer ever needed for anything was cocaine. Weekend at Bernie’s? Cocaine. Mullet hairstyles? Cocaine. Spandex? Cocaine. Anything you’ve ever questioned about that era, anytime you’ve caught yourself asking why, the answer is cocaine. Trust me. I was there.

Anyway. My schedule is totally clear this week. I can sweat it out here in the flat or head to the gym if I feel rambunctious. Hopefully I won’t hurt too much.

Hopefully.

Not even noon

So T and I spent quite some time out of the house yesterday. We had a bite to eat at Maarkt Hall and then popped into some shops on our way to see The Flash. Discussed and bought a selection of 3 for 25 euro films and then meandered to the cinema. Got my usual: a bottle of water and a small pack of Skittles. Boy, was I right about a good time to go! They ran that film for 8 of us. That was cool. With no one in the seats of our row but us, the sound really made the chairs vibrate. Keaton made his entrance as Batman and it felt like someone was shaking our seats. Very impressive entrance. Too bad they didn’t seem to tie in all the old Batmans (or is it Batmen?). They did an awful lot of it, but I didn’t see evidence of the Val Kilmer nor the Christian Bale versions.

Came home to watch the last instalment of the Jurassic Park legacy. Hm. Yeah. Nothing really happened. Our friend had said that in his review of it, and sure enough, he was dead right. Dinosaurs still exist because (I guess, since it was a heavy handed message in the film) people learned to coexist with them. Yeah, right. We can’t coexist with our neighbours much less another effing species. But like I said: that message was so heavy handed we had to hear voiced several times by several characters. It was a nice reunion. Oh. And I was right about ready last night to turn to T and say ‘gee, that’s the most diverse cast I’ve ever seen Spielberg work with’ and then the credits were rolling and it wasn’t directed by Spielberg; he’s just the money behind the film. We followed up with a so-so shark film out of Australia. Not horrible, but not very good either. Tonight we have Nope. And tv.

Had to work on my toes today. Woke up with my problem child big toe that suffers from toenail issues. So I had to soak my feet and poke at them. Did a lot of poking. It still kind of hurts, but after all that poking I’m not surprised. I cut the nail and cleaned everything up. Hopefully it will stop hurting. Soon.

My hair extensions still aren’t here. *sigh* If these things come in late I’m gonna be so disappointed. I can see it, too. They show up the afternoon I have my braids done. It’s a possibility. Oh, Goddess. Please let them come in and let them look good, not ridiculous. I’d really like it done. But this teaches me a lesson about buying hair extensions! Order in the colours I want during winter, when stuff is back in stock. Everything cool was sold out or had really bad reviews from users.

T’s been reminding me of my RA. He’s right to do so. It’s a fact of my life I’d like to deny. I’d like to push it so far away that I don’t think about it. I demand my body keep up with me and do everything it used to. When I was 20 or 30 or even 40, that was pretty easy to do. It isn’t now. We’ve had a bit of rain, but the humidity remains high. And as far as I can track, it’s the humidity that does it to me. Best to be careful. Maybe go out for a walk around the neighbourhood or something. But that would put me on my sore feet, which DO actually hurt and not just with that damned nail problem.

It’s not even July and I can honestly say I’m tired of feeling so tired.

And I’m anxious about my intake call tomorrow. I hate the phone. Everyone calls on my damned mobile. I’d rather they call on my land line. Give me a real phone to talk into. Not this stupid piece of equipment. Anyway. I gotta be ready for that tomorrow at 11 am. And when it’s done, I’ll know for sure when the procedure is. I’m half expecting it to be fast. These clinics supposedly have short waiting times. My big goal is to not freak out. That’s it. Make the appointment, eat only what they say, drink only what they say, do the whole laxative crap, find the clinic, and do it without panicking. I continue to remind myself that the bulk of the time at this clinic will be for before and after handling, not the procedure itself. The procedure is just a tiny, little bit of what will be my day. In 30 short minutes, it will all over and done with. Then I can zone out in the recovery room and wait for T to take me home. I will plan things out well and make sure I have some fun things for me when I get home. Maybe a food treat, since I’ll be restricted for days. Definitely some good entertainment.

And my anxiety is the real reason I’m out here nattering away. Blah, blah, blah. Let’s just keep talking and maybe our brain won’t register what’s about to happen.

Oh, eff!

It’s not even noon yet.

Xmas

I don’t get a lot of Xmas presents. But being a card carrying member of the fabulous Rotterdam coffeeshop called TrefPunt, every year they set aside some fantastic goodies for me. And, like I’ve done in years before, I gotta give TrefPunt the nod and spill the beans.

The Haul: A small bottle of chardonnay, an individual stollen, a full sized bong, a large (and broken, by the time I got it home) chocolate Santa, a full sized bag of chips, a pack of Xmas cookies, a grinder, papers, specialty cannabis rolling papers, cannabis+caffeine drink, post card, smoking book of all legal marijuana shop in every country around the world, the Xmas High Times edition, balloons and lighters. Wow! Plus, as usual, all of it came in a TrefPunt little backpack. I love my coffeeshop. It’s nothing to write about. The smoke area is dull almost to the point of depressing, and there’s not a lot of it. The supply is standard. But the deals! No smoke shop can beat them.

Have been wondering lately if there’s some reality where the hair clumps I pull out from my brush every night come to life as some mad looking spiders. Not really apropos of anything. Just a thought I have.

No new marks. That’s good. Still got the scratch on my shoulder. Told T about it. He was not happy. He’s not been affected, either, but he really hates it when I wake up marked like that. It’s almost like he takes it personally. He takes up the cleansing when I’m affected and frankly, I wouldn’t want to be an interfering spirit when he does it. He’s angry. Retributive. Ach, but what do I know? It works. The house is quiet.

Hoorah, hoorah! Been watching some seasonal stuff for the last few days. One of the Dutch stations showed Cats and we taped it. But it got gonged about 20 minutes into it. In T’s words: We didn’t even see Judi Dench! No. We didn’t. I offered to fast forward it until she showed up but in the end we both agreed it was so bad (and by then the jokes were rolling out fast and hard) that we didn’t. Probably a good thing. We both agree we were seriously fucked up by watching Rocket Man, possibly the worst film ever made. I can’t even listen to an Elton John song now without getting flashbacks from the film. And I used to like some Elton John stuff! But neither of us needs another film that scars us that deeply. No. We’ll just leave it at that. On the flip side, we also got to see Mary Poppins Returns, which we loved. I grinned like a kid through it all. Just enough throw back, echoing of the old songs, repeating the pattern back, combined with a few updates. Very fun. Also watched A Christmas Story, that old film from my early memory. I laughed, but I found myself laughing harder at the memory of how I used to laugh at it than actually laughing at it, if that makes any sense. It was weird, and it left me wondering if I really want to own a copy of it. I just don’t think laughing at the memory of watching it when I was younger is…well, worth it. I found it almost a little sad. Melancholy.

I recognise that feeling. It’s the same feeling that comes over me when I get the silly idea to go and look at videos of my old stomping grounds. It’s nostalgia tinged with sorrow; the time I remember is gone and been replaced by bigger trees, new lights and buildings, and people I don’t know. It’s the same, but different. In the end it just makes me feel bad.

Applied for a job today. Expanding my search to include temporary positions. Maybe somewhere that wants a temp would be a bit more flexible in other areas. And a good reference from a Dutch company would do me wonders.

A few days down until NYE. I’ll have to charge my sound generator again. It’s got a timer on it, which suffices for most nights, but during the holidays it’s just better to run it all night, non-stop. People are people, and we don’t need to be known as grinches.

I never did get any Xmas lights up. Meant to, just…didn’t. Then I realised my home is always well lit for celebrations; we get our lighting from LEDs. Three large LEDs that change colours, and a long light of soft white Xmas lights that hang around the room. It’s always colourful and soft. And we always get noticed when there are celebrations on the street, like during NYE. Everyone who’s shooting off fireworks looks up and sees us and thinks we’re having a party ’cause we’ve got party lighting going. We’ve had waves, fireworks shot up at the windows, and laser pens and lights flashing us from the street to catch our attention. Pretty cool.

Between what T stocked us up on and our TrefPunt gift bags, we’re full of goodies and fat food and stuff to stuff our faces with. Entertainment has been seasonal. Even our lighting is cool and party edged.

Not a bad Xmas. Not a bad Xmas at all.

Whimper

Hard lock down. Merry effing holidays. No: pubs, clubs, gyms, restaurants, or shops. At all; nothing can open. If you want out of the house, you gotta be visiting the supermarket, chemist, or hospital. Not much else left. Should be able to still pick stuff up, so it’s not all that bad. In fact, from my personal perspective, very little has changed. I haven’t been going to pubs, clubs, gyms, restaurants, or even most shops. The pandemic never stopped. The variants never stopped. So I never stopped being vigilant.

To add to NL’s growing claustrophobia, the sky seems to have fallen. We’ve had fog for days now. Thick fog that covers the buildings out my window until it looks like my flat is some strange anomaly that’s just floating there in the clouds with nothing whatsoever attached to it in any way.

Lots of fireworks last night despite the heavy fog. Heard more than saw them, tho it made it seem like areas of the fog were glowing with some unearthly light. I guess people thought it was a good time to set them off; fireworks are banned on NYE and it was the last night of ‘freedom’ before this new lock down.

I will say one thing: this damned pandemic has given me house envy. So many zoom calls where you see people’s homes behind them. Doesn’t help that I’m a semi-frequent watcher of a Dutch show that remodels your garden or a room in your home. My point is, I’m seeing into a lot of people’s homes lately. And…I’ve never seen so many places look like a showroom. Not a scrap of paper out of place. Not a personal item in the room. Bare. Coordinated, certainly. But nothing in it that says it’s any more than some hotel room somewhere. Then I look around my place: total disaster area. There’s too much shoved into our small flat to ever get it looking like that. But in addition to that, I actually live here. There are notes to myself, reminders, slips of paper with my next appointment for this or that written on it. Dust and dead leaves that have fallen off the plants in the windows. My pills sit out near me, because I gotta take a lot of them at a lot of different times. Just stuff that tells you someone lives here. Not so in all those zoom calls.

I don’t get it. How can you live somewhere and not accumulate those small things?

NL news: Officially, our hard lock down began at 5 am this morning. Which is damned weird in my opinion. Why not call it at midnight? We were under a 5 to 5 lock down anyway, so nothing should have been open at midnight other than hospitals. Sometimes I just shake my head and accept that even the Dutch have some weird quirks. So, 5 am it began. And it’s supposed to continue until 14 January. Basically, a month with absolutely nothing. Nothing other than an entire generation of disappointed kids ’round the tree, that is. Tight restrictions on how many people you can mix with, too. They’re doing all of this because of the high transmission rate of Omicron. At the moment, our infection and hospitalisations aren’t all that bad. The gov’t is just trying to stay ahead of it while staring down the barrel at the biggest, baddest holiday of them all in terms of transmission rates.

One bright and happy spot: T and I have talked for a long time about a holiday film we saw years and years ago that made us both laugh our asses off. And now, after years of looking for it on and off, BBC showed it so I got it recorded. Eeeeee! I really hope that the taping didn’t eff up and I’m left with nothing. I’ve wanted to see it forever. It’s called A Christmas Story, and I’ve never forgotten how funny it is. There are so many jokes in there for Gen Z that grew up in the American midwest it’s mind blowing.

And T told me he ordered in some films and entertainment since nothing is open and even if it was, nowhere in R’dam seems to carry a good selection of films anymore.

Waiting to hear about more protests and violence. I hope it won’t get too bad. But I expect it. Not only are we in hard lock down again, but R’dam has also been ordered by the courts to take in more immigrants. Which we simply don’t have any houses for. I still see too many office space buildings totally empty with no conversion going on. So I don’t know where we are supposed to put these immigrants. There are plenty of R’dammers who are on waiting lists for low income housing. So, all at once, we’ve got holidays, hard lock down, vaccination and booster issues, and now we’ll throw immigration and housing into everyone’s faces. Not a good mix. Not a good mix at all.

This is how the world ends: not with a bang, but a whimper. I know how that sounds. But I can’t shake my belief that it’s dead on.

Whimper.

Naughty Number 3

Ach! The things I’ve learned about myself in the last 24 hours! One: I find it a damned sight easier to take a picture of myself clowning around rather than one in which I try to look ‘good’. Two: The bluntness in my writing has only grown more pronounced over time and I may have overwhelmed my friend B with it. Okay. I undoubtedly overwhelmed her. Let’s not begin this post with an attempted understatement joke.

‘I’ll need to read through it a few times; there is a lot said in those lines which leads to a lot of thinking.’ That’s B’s reply this morning. Looking back over my message, I did include a lot of gut wrenching epiphanies in short order. I guess that’s the problem with communicating after the fact; B has no idea of the years I spent second guessing myself nor the inner turmoil I’ve had to deal with to come to these conclusions. That’s what this blog is for, really. To remind myself of the long struggle so I don’t become complacent in my current level of ‘knowledge’ or ‘wisdom’.

Not a drop of inner peace is cheaply bought. For millennia, humans have been introduced to guru’s after all that struggle is over with. We see people who are at peace, who achieve seemingly impossible things, who inspire us to do better while at the same time somehow making us feel totally inadequate. We do not see or hear their struggles to get there. Talking about it afterward… Well, it’s that old adage that hindsight is 20-20. People reach a point where they can look back and say: Ah, yes, I struggled at this point. But the emotional impact of that struggle is gone from them, part of the past, integrated into who they’ve become. Truly, I feel the best way to convey any of that is thru artistic medium. It’s the only time we humans are allowed to ‘relive’ the event – thru acting, music, dance, or visual art. Which, perhaps, is the best case ever made for the arts. It gives us leave to relive the pain, the love, the hate, the worry without judgement.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always been drawn to the arts. I feel I’ve relived so many events, over and over, as my feverish yo-yo mind goes off this way and that. Past, present, future… They are always on review, always being picked over for tidbits I missed. Getting these thoughts out of me has become a priority in my life.

Well, what do ya know? I guess we should make that three things I’ve learned about myself.

NL news: Infection rates stand around 36% if my memory is correct. There have been a few protests and arrests, but thus far the numbers have been low and the protests limited to whistling or slogan shouting in the downtown area. One chain store has announced they’re staying open, arguing that a minimum of 40% of their items sold fall under the ‘necessities’ category. The gov’t hopes to open day cares and schools before mid January, but at this point, everyone is just waiting to see if the numbers come down. Have seen a trend in articles attempting to shore up the Dutch people. Things like ‘The Netherlands is well placed to recover’ have been blasted out as headlines. Certainly, I feel confidence in the nation once we get the vaccination going. We’re close, but not there yet. Official gov’t websites claim vaccinations should begin in early 2021.

About ready to put down my outline for a video. I think it’s a good idea, fairly easily done, and it can accommodate many people or just M and me. My hang up at the mo is infinite free life on my computer games. I’m a sucker for that; give me free life and I feel I have to use it up. Not too worried about it. My ideas will just get stronger with more time to free wheel up in my skull.

Am finding it difficult to not feel like a total slug. It’s December, a month I enjoy for about a week. After that, I’m done with the holiday BS. Naturally, that isn’t what happens and every year I end up avoiding too much of all that. Top it all off with lock down, and honestly, I’m finding it more and more difficult to get out of my pjs at all. I do, but it takes longer every day.

Still no word from the hospital on my procedure. They may wait ’til the day before to call it and do their best to maintain a normal schedule. As numbers rise, my enthusiasm for getting it done falls. Right now, I’m hoping for it to be called off. And somehow, cutting into my gums three times this year seems enough.

There’s that number again. Three. It comes up a LOT in my life.

Naughty Number 3.

Such a long way to go

Hard lock down as of midnight tonight. T and I ran around, purchasing our non-essential essentials before it came into effect. The microwave died and we needed a new one. I headed out to buy dental supplies while they were still in good supply. Today we’re sitting pretty, a new microwave and our shelves well stocked.

Waiting to hear from the hospital and dental surgeon. I’m guessing my procedure will be moved to January. At the mo, I’m scheduled on December 23. Honestly, I’m not in pain and I don’t want to sit with my mouth wide open for half an hour. But, whatever. If they say it’s safe, alright.

Mega sales on. Things were on sale before. Now… Now I’m guessing even deeper discounts to unload as much merchandise as possible before midnight. I picked up extra oils for my hair; 60-75% discount on those. And I had savings on my dental stuff, too. Ended up paying 30 euro for what would normally have cost 60 to 75. I’m okay with that; end of the year brings in all sorts of bills so money always feels tight.

More melodrama from my friend, B. She told her husband about her affair with his father. A family SMS thing was heating up and threatening to alert her husband to the situation, so she picked up her courage and confronted him. As you could imagine, it didn’t go well. Nor did the ensuing phone call between her husband and his dad. She feels guilty. I reminded her it was no crime for her to seek happiness. Also suggested therapy. Maybe if she makes therapy okay by beginning it with her husband, he’ll continue on his own. That’s the real problem at the heart of it; her husband is deeply depressed and it’s ruined their marriage. In the mean time, all I can do is remind her that I love her and do not judge her at all.

Thinking on many levels. So much going on in my head it’s difficult to describe. I’m feeling free of thought as I read thru Asimov’s Foundation books. More so than in the past. Perhaps it’s the familiarity of the story, perhaps it’s the subject matter or the incredible weaving of such a vast idea. Been ‘writing’ more. My own ideas are fleshing into pictures and shot film clips. Reminding myself that one weekend of hard work with my film posse would only give us a 5-7 minute thing, so I shouldn’t make the story too big or long. My head’s flown into the future and half lives there. That’s mania, right around the corner. I recognise it’s ever changing face. It comes to me as a future flash and stays there, eating at me, until I take maniacal action (which means I go ’til I drop). Right now, I’m in negotiations with Mania. But honestly, it’s going about as well as Brexit. Mania continues to harp on the same points and refuses to budge. In addition to all that, I’ve devised several plans to set about cleaning the house or exercising to the limit. I’m one little straw away from an all out episode.

Ja, ja, ja. Ik voel me squirrelly.

My games continue to give me free life and free time to play. That helps. Have noticed a tendency to increase those freebies when we’re in lock down. Expect a few new films to show up on our system. Hopefully not all holiday films. Crossing my fingers that I’ll be able to order in one new DVD and one new book this month. That’s a difficult choice. Leaning towards Heroes Reborn for the DVD side. Can’t make up my mind yet between The Feminine Mystique and The Handmaid’s Tale for the book.

Time to go. T’s actually begun doing dishes. *sigh* Here I am, talking about two great feminist books and all I can think of is I’ve gottta go now and help T so he sees how much I appreciate him doing the washing up!

Oh, I’ve such a long way to go, baby.

Travel in happiness

I rarely remember my dreams, so when I actually do, I must make mention of it. I dreamt of my hair. Long hair, all the way down to my feet. I also dreamt of large snarls in my hair. Guess I’ve never really got over my mother ‘brushing’ my hair, which was more her tearing thru my long locks as hard as possible in order to punish me for whatever she felt I needed punishment for. *sigh* That’s an old one. But I must admit: I like my longer hair. And I really liked it being all the way down to my feet in my dream. Guess I’ll see if I actually get there or decide to cut it at some point.

Ach! Such a petty point, eh? 2020 has brought unbelievable problems and here I am going on about my hair.

NL news: Not good. Daily infections topped 8000 and hospitalisations are increasing everywhere. One article reported that 25% of young doctors are so burnt out they’re ready to quit the medical industry all together. Little wonder. Outside our windows last night, a very long parade of cars went by flashing their lights and beeping their horns. One look and I realised it was a wedding party. It took about 20 minutes for the entire parade to pass by. And they were headed somewhere, to congregate together, no doubt without masks. Illegal parties keep popping up and getting busted. *sigh* So there’s the spread of the stupid people. No blaming tourists for that one; it’s the people here doing it.

Again this morning, we are locked in by fog. I’d like to see the sun again. It’s difficult to remember it’s still up there, shining, beyond the grey.

So… The US seems closer to civil war than ever. Seems a Texas rep wants to ‘form a union of constitutional adhering states’. Um… That’s cessation. Maybe that would be better in the long run. The US has never been united. And from what I’ve seen, the group screaming about the election is not the great industrial states. So let them cede. They have nothing to keep themselves as a real nation. Let them deal with it themselves. It would last about 6 months at best before they come crawling back to the nation. Between the virus and the economic problems, it’s highly implausible they’d be able to make a go of it. Allow them to stew in their own juices. Just make sure every other state takes in refugees from the cessation. Don’t punish people who aren’t in this nut cluster.

Had a couple of messages from my friend B. Oh, the shit has really hit her fan. She’s been keeping mum on her relationship with her father in law, but felt it necessary the other day to tell her husband the whole truth. Bad feelings, blame, and guilt. She’s a real carer, willing to give up her own happiness for the happiness of others, so she’s shouldering a lot of this. I’d like to tell her to simply grab her purse and necessities and get the hell out of there. I know she’s not ready to do that, so I’m supporting her how I can, reminding her of my own high opinion of her and how much I love her.

Been thinking a lot lately about feminism and sexual bias. I… I have to lay it at the feet of women. We are responsible for this shit. If you were raised in a family where there were different rules for the boys because they were boys, you were raised in a family that supported chauvinism and sexual bias. Certainly, I was raised that way. And I was taught, as a woman, to play on that bias. Fake helplessness when you want a man to change your tire or take out the trash. Flatter men whenever you see them doing something you want them to do. Use sex as a weapon, withholding it to get what you want. All of that contributes to the problem. I’m willing to admit to my part in it. I just wish every woman was as willing. We could change things in less than 72 hours if we pulled together. The world would stop if women went on strike. We do far too much to keep it running, and have raised generations of truly helpless men (who can’t wash their own clothes or clean up because they simply don’t know how) and they’d be in real shit if we all refused to do anything for 3 days. They’d be naked, hungry, and at their wit’s end.

That’s my two cents worth, anyway.

Beginning to have some sinus problems. Stuffy nose in the morning. Clears up once I’m up and about, and for now I’m willing to say it’s just seasonal allergies. Will keep an eye on it. Certainly, I don’t want it to get worse and I sure as hell don’t want to have to move my upcoming appointments because of it. But I won’t take unnecessary risks, either. Not for me nor for anyone else.

Ugh. We are really in the season of Xmas. There’s not one film being shown at night that’s anything other than a holiday romp. And the music is everywhere. Bad enough to suffer thru that when I did celebrate the holiday. Now that I totally reject Xmas it’s even worse. Been watching horror films in silent protest. I have an entire wall of those. Thankfully.

My brain feels a bit over stewed. Without quite realising it nor wanting it, I’ve begun writing again. Rough story ideas are fleshing out in my head. It’s all geared towards video ideas. Been telling myself it’s okay. I will not write one word of dialogue. I’ll just put down what I see as the storyline. We’ll need some sort of plan before we begin filming, so some of this is perfectly fine. But I will not write myself into a corner and insist everyone do everything my way. We need a bit of fluidity and openness to improvisation just as much as a solid plan.

Can say the same thing about my own life. Plans are good and needed, but I also have to factor in that last minute strange serendipity that haunts me. Set out with eyes open and be willing to dance on the lines of fate when the time comes. And always – always! – be accepting, satisfied, and happy with where I’m at.

Long hair or short, teaching certificate or other job, film ideas or plans gone awry: none of it really matters. What matters is how I travel to whatever goal I’m reaching for.

Travel in happiness.

Let it be

AAAARRRRRGH!!!!!!

Just back from the dental surgeon for a check up. I was honest; something that’s rarely happened before. And, naturally, my honesty meant I’m in for more surgery. It LOOKS great. Had I kept my mouth shut I could have avoided another surgery. Instead, I was told I had two options. One, pull the damned thing and be done with it. Two, try another procedure. I think it says volumes about my trust of these doctors that I chose another surgery. I am scheduled in before the end of this month, meaning I’ll be spending Xmas eating soft foods. Guess it’s a good thing we’re not into traditional Xmas fare.

And, I’m on antibiotics for a week. Goddess, please let this work!

So, so, so. Did some searching online for a holiday cottage I could rent for my film posse. Whoa! I figured prices were down from coronavirus, but I didn’t figure on HOW low. Saw one place for 10 euro a night, serving 5 guests. 10 euro! That one is too small for us to use, but I did find an incredible cabin right on the edge of a wilderness preserve for around 80 a night that would work very well. Haven’t booked anything, of course. We need to see how the vaccines go first. But I hope before summer we’ll have a long weekend booked.

NL news: Infection numbers remain high, around 5000 a day. Worse still, the coronavirus team here in NL have been receiving threats online and in person. Been reading about the growing numbers in right wing groups both here and in Germany. Scary stuff with no end in sight. The catering industry is planning to reopen in January and damn the measures. Many restaurant owners are facing fines, as they’ve publicly declared they won’t continue to be shut down. I can understand; it costs money to join any delivery service. And once you hand the food off to the delivery service, if they take too long or don’t properly store the food at a good temp, your restaurant may get a bad review. That’s unfair on the restaurants. I try not to do that. Unsure why they don’t have a separate review for delivery. I have to add a tip in separately from paying for the food. It seems logical there should be a review just for delivery rather than bitching at the restaurant about something they don’t have control over.

Saw some of the Biden/Harris interview on CNN. Gotta agree with the news anchors; it was damned refreshing to not hear an incoherent rant filled with lies.

Can’t stop shaking my head over 45’s pre-emptive pardon pondering. Isn’t that the same as saying everyone is guilty before they’re found guilty in a court of law? It feels like it. And the money that asshole has raked in! Holy Hell! Millions going straight to his pocket.

All I can say is this: If you live in the US, start pushing for real laws to reign that behaviour in. No one is above the law. Get the damned laws on the books and then enforce them. Your problem right now is there’s never before been such a double dealing, under handed fuck as Trump. He’s raped the country. Totally. There should be a class action suit against him just for that.

At least it seems like New York isn’t gonna take the Trump family coming back home. I hope so, anyway.

Oh, I hope to see 45 dragged out in handcuffs, kicking and screaming. I really do.

Of course, I hope for a lot of things. Not all come to pass.

But hope is what I cling to. This next surgery will be successful. My film posse will be able to get together this summer. I won’t fall ill. I’ll get my teaching certificate and find a way to make money.

Please, please. Let it be.

And so it goes…

Nothing quite feels like cleaning up the house. It’s one of the most rewarding, yet at the same time, useless things I do. I like changing up a dirty room to clean room, yet always in the back of my mind I’m thinking: Yeah; it looks good now. Give it a week. Frankly, I think 45 should use my toilet cleaning method. That takes everyone down to the same level: that of shit-cleaner. He should be forced to clean up a shitty toilet every day. Maybe that would break him of his ego.

Ah, well.

Am pleased to hear from some of my US contacts that yes, they have been talking of emergency plans if and when civil unrest breaks out on a large scale. Sometimes I think I’m talking to air on that one. As usual, I’ve encouraged them to move here to NL. I’m here to help them, and honestly, I’m selfish. I want them here. I don’t make friends very easily, so I hang onto the ones I’ve got as much as possible.

T and I watched thru the Rings films. These are the Japanese versions dubbed into Dutch. Two things happened. One, I mistook the Dutch subtitles for English because I simply looked at them and had total comprehension. It wasn’t until we were 3 or 4 lines into subtitled dialogue that I realised I was reading Dutch, not my native language. Two, I actually got the entire story. WOW! Talk about an American version dumbing it down! The Japanese story is huge. HUGE. The American version is simply a Friday the 13th franchise, with no larger story. Neither one of us is into watching Rings right now, which is part of the American ‘story’. No need. We got the full, real story in 4 Japanese instalments.

Waiting today for my injections to be delivered. Naturally, it’s sunny outside. One sunny day in the entire month and I need to stay here for my delivery.

NL news: Daily infections are back up between 5000 and 6000 per day. The gov’t is catching more and more flak for being obtuse on the rules, tho honestly, I don’t think their instructions are confusing. Have read several articles on unrest in the eastern part of the country. Illegal fireworks, arson, etc. that the cops have had to break up for several nights in a row. The police here are also asking for permission to use spit guards on suspects. Too many are exposed because jerks spit on them while being arrested. I hope people who do that are held accountable for it in court. Spitting on people at any time is wrong; spitting on people during a pandemic is tantamount to manslaughter.

Have noticed very little in the news on Brexit talks. They apparently reached a ‘breakthrough’ recently. I’m guessing England is desperately trying to get something agreed to in the few short weeks before their EU divorce takes place. The hang up is, as it has ALWAYS been, fishing rights. That’s the real issue. Brits can shout about the rule of law, sovereignty, and the money ‘wasted’ in the EU system, but what they’re really ticked off about is fishing rights. That’s been the sticking point from the beginning and it will continue to be the sticking point.

*head shake* I never did understand people laying claim to parts of the ocean, or even land. You can’t take it with you. You can’t ever really ‘own’ it. This is nonsense.

Had a good, long laugh at Guilliani’s running hair dye incident. Wow, dude! Go to a doctor; no one should sweat like you. How can anyone take that man seriously? What a gremlin.

Managing to get more distance between me and my DNA relations. That’s a good thing. *sigh* I just need to accept my closest relatives are my worst enemies. I always hope for the best, and always I’m disappointed. Realised the entire incident happened because I got a new computer and forgot to block their damned emails. That’s done now; I shouldn’t be bothered by my bitch of a sister again. Nor any of my other Nazi relatives.

There is not one news related comedy panel show over here that’s not making fun of the US. Not one. Everyone is calling 45 insane, everyone is talking about the US’ crumbling democracy and rule of law. No one trusts Americans. It’s been shown the US will not support previous agreements and will, in fact, work to overthrow those agreements when it suits them. 45 has done so much damage on the world stage, I’m not sure America can ever make it back to the ‘world leader’ place they used to occupy. Especially when everyone over here views the threat of a right-wing US as only 4 years away, regardless of what happens on 20 Jan.

I guess that’s what happens when a country invites real Nazi scientists and co-conspirators to join their citizenship. The US did that, too. Never forget. That bullshit was pulled in by their own choice. And frankly, the fact that even the KKK has never been outlawed as a hate group points to a disturbing truth: that view of the world has been supported by American leaders for a long, long time. They don’t want to outlaw the KKK. Otherwise, action would have been taken by now.

Then again, the US can’t even ratify the ERA. After all these years. Not a great record on human rights.

Have reached Part 5 of Crime and Punishment. Um… Is Dostoevsky gonna make the point that his main character punished himself with his paranoia and hate, or is there actually some sort of retribution coming? Can’t tell. Enjoying it, but when you’re at page 500 and something and you’re still not sure of the point being driven home, well… I guess it was a notable literary venture at the time. It couldn’t be published these days without major re-writes. And cutting several hundred pages of on-going, nonsense dialogue with zero breaks in it. UGH! The full pages without even a paragraph break are difficult to get thru. And there’s a lot of them.

At least the workmen have moved below our level. Still noisy, but not so deafening. I’ll take it.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still experiencing high levels of anxiety. I am. More than ever, I hope I die before things get really bad. I suppose it really doesn’t matter if I die quietly in my bed or from a tsunami, mega storm, the coronavirus, or gunshot. Death is death. I’d prefer not to have a lot of pain, but I’ve already been there and done that so I really shouldn’t fear it so much.

Happy stuff, huh?

Pushing that out of my head as much as possible. What happens, happens. I never thought I was here for the long term, anyway.

And so it goes…

Honing the true Zen of Distractions

New restrictions from NL’s new ‘lock down’ measures, complete with a hundred or more exceptions. Face masks are ‘strongly recommended’ when in public, whether indoors or outdoors, but it doesn’t seem like that will be enforced, so as the Americans say, it’s par for the course. Biggest hit is to various hospitality venues, which must be closed by 8 pm. That includes bars, cafes, restaurants, and coffeshops. That will be enforced, and retailers that defy it will face stiff fines. Numbers are highest ever. That’s true just about every day. First we topped 6000 infections a day, now 7000 and still climbing.

My plans remain the same: hermit this whole thing out as much as possible. Find myself nonplussed over stories about people who experience lock down depression. That’s what I’m calling it, anyway. These poor saps who go on camera (dressed well, no bags under their eyes, and with make-up on) who ‘bravely’ confront the ‘depression and isolation’ they feel during their country’s lock down. Can you hear the world’s smallest violin? It’s playing for you. Why not speak to someone who really struggles with depression?

The answer, naturally, is misdirection. It’s purposeful right now. Here’s this emergency, let’s worry about that for today. Yesterday it was that emergency, but we don’t need to talk about that anymore. And tomorrow, it’ll be something else. If the media focused on any one thing for more than 10 minutes at a time, it wouldn’t work. But by continually feeding serious faced experts speaking about the fires or the virus or democracy or climate change and then quickly moving on, people’s anxiety remains high yet mostly unfocused. Oh, they can list a whole bunch of things that worry them, and I’ve named just a few. But the truth is these people are being indoctrinated into fear, an American standby. I grew up during the Cold War era, and let me tell you, fear mongering was THE soup de jour, every day and in every way.

Seeing more and more disaster and horror films shown on tv. That’s another clue of misdirection. Think about having to face this fear or that disaster. Don’t think about our current disasters. TV shows no epidemic films (of which there are many), nor films about fires or hurricanes. I’m seeing earthquake films and undersea stuff (sharks and creepy crawlies from the deep ocean). Big monsters and spine chilling ghosts. Misdirection.

I mean… I can’t be the only person to have noticed the slew of dancing/singing films, reminiscent of the glut of 30s big productions done – purposefully – to distract the public from the economic depression. Right? You noticed that, correct? Please tell me I’m not the only person on this planet who’s truly awake.

Must admit, I get panicky on that point. Sometimes the only person I can talk to about it is T, but that isn’t always a good thing. His view is often worse than mine, and it only makes me feel even more depressed. But if I talk with Dt T about it, he dismisses much of what I say and that’s just as bad in a different way. I often wonder if I suffer from a Cassandra complex. That disjointed future view that sadly comes into being far too often to ignore.

In acknowledgment of it being a psycho-active reality, I’m doing what I can to combat those negative thoughts. Keeping entertainment light – and yes, I view disaster and horror as light entertainment, mostly because I riff it in my head at the very least. Limiting news input. Controlling light elements in the house. Controlling what I can, which I guess is key to a good hermit experience. This is my domain; I eat well, I laugh every day, I enjoy my games.

And I do it all; honing the true Zen of Distractions.