Keep going

Made my shrink appointment on Thursday. It’s roughly a three block walk from the metro to the front door of his office. Took my time; it was 10 minutes before I made it. Took almost 10 minutes to catch my breath after walking. And I slept for 13 hours, proving that that tiny little excursion was almost too much for me.

Somehow, I don’t think I’ll make it to Wednesday’s band rehearsal. Can’t imagine I’ll have enough strength to make it through the entire night. Not when doing a couple of small things tires me to the point of mega sleep.

So, the ghosts are active again. Keep hearing stuff that sounds like there’s someone else in the flat. T is out right now and the noise I heard earlier made me call out ‘hello’ because it really did sound like a living person in here. Happens a lot in the evening, too. Strange noises from the kitchen area or down the hallway. Loud, distinct noises. And I’ve got bruising, too. On my arms, looking like someone was holding me back during the night. Strange bruise on my hand, too. It shows up, then seems to disappear, then comes back worse than ever.

My system is still having problems, too. If I don’t even out by Monday, I’ll see someone. This is week 4 and I’m eating regularly. I shouldn’t be having issues on the toilet, but I am. Jeez! I am SO sick and tired of being sick and tired! T is being my cheerleader, telling me he sees tiny improvements and I AM getting better. It’s tough. Real tough. Very glad he’s here with me. He’s a huge help to me.

T even picked up a new hoover. Woohoo! He tidied up before his student came this week and DAMN! The new hoover works really, really well. Cannot believe how clean everything was. Especially the rugs. They were getting quite tatty looking ’cause the old hoover wasn’t strong enough to pick up dirt from them. Now we’ve clean rugs again.

It’s supposed to get warmer over the next few days. Hoping I’ll make it out for some short excursions around the block. Just get moving a bit. Try to start building up strength again. Not looking forward to it.

But I’ll keep going.

Done with being sick

Feels like I finally have one foot in the land of the living. Man! It’s taking longer and longer for me to recover. Worried that at some point, I won’t recover. But that’s for the future, I guess. I’ll keep fighting.

Managed my shower yesterday. Hoorah! Afterwards, I did my laundry. Probably pushed it a bit. I stayed up later than I have and did far more than I have. Slept in for 12 hours again today. Don’t think I’ll make it out of my pjs today. Just too tired. But I am getting there. At last. Another week and I may be close to normal.

Tried taking a hit last night. Coughed and coughed and coughed. I’m so tired of coughing at this point I won’t try again soon. Have let a lot slide, like my phone. It died while I was close to dying and I need to charge it. But it’s too much today to stand up, find my cord, and plug it in. I have messages long overdue to friends, too. But while I’m strong enough to think about them, I’m not feeling strong enough to DO anything. Nonetheless: it’s an improvement, and I’ll take it.

The more strength I gain, the surer I am that I should have gone to hospital. Too late now. But finding out how much and how long it’s taking me to recoup, I’m positive I should have gone. This is not okay. Did not test for covid this time. Pretty sure it was active in me again. Had a night of bad muscle pain. And the coughing seemed to be the worst part of it. Other than the exhaustion and vomiting and all the rest, that is.

More than anything, my impatience with healing is the surest sign I’m recouping. Now I have to fight my inclination to get up and move. Allow myself to keep resting. Keep sleeping. If I get too active too quickly I’ll slide backwards. And I am so done with being sick!

Improvement

Coughing. Eating. Sleeping. I’m always doing one of the three these days. T finally confessed he was worried I would sicken until I had pneumonia. I was probably close. Goddess knows, I was so sick I couldn’t read or even play my games on my computer. It was just too much. Still sleeping 12 hours a night and usually taking a 1-2 hour nap in the day. And still having problems with trying to read or do anything for too long. My eyes get all wonky and I end up closing them just to rest, then fall asleep. Did not take a coronavirus test and I kind of regret that because I think I had some form of it – again. Still feeling breathless. I’ve grown strong enough to think about taking a shower sometime soon. But thinking is as far as I’ve got.

Got another shrink appointment this Thursday and that’s all I’m aiming for. If I get a shower in, great. If I can do a bit more, super duper. But I won’t hold my breath. I AM healing. Just very, very slowly.

I’ll say this much: when I can finally toke again, I’m gonna get REAL high.

T got me some cough medicine. It’s been helping. I’ve finally got movement when I cough. Sleeping with 3 pillows to get my head up as high as possible. Not the most comfortable on my neck, but I’ll live.

Man! I just don’t know anymore. It seems like all I do is move from one illness to another, barely getting ‘well’ before I fall ill again.

And for some unknown reason, our guitarist was insisting on pix from all of us so he could put together some sort of poster for our very, very small gig at the end of June. I was like: really? You gotta jump all over this NOW, 2 months in advance, for a gig practically no one will come to? He couldn’t leave it another month? Whatever. T said he’d send him some older pix of me. He offered to take a current pic, but I’ve just been so ill I nixed that idea. Kinda irritating, though. I mean…it’s a nothing gig. For one hour. At our rehearsal space. During a Sunday afternoon. Like anyone will come! *sigh* Whatever.

Oh, I’m tired again. Had some lunch and now I’m ready for my afternoon doze. Well, if I’m sleeping, I’m not coughing.

That’s an improvement.

Salt deficiency

Okay, listen up people!

Salt deficiency. The idea never occurred to T or I until he picked up a half loaf of white bread so I could have dry toast. My reaction after my first bite? I never realised how salty bread is. All I could taste is salt. So I kept eating until the salty taste disappeared. It took 3 slices. T picked up some sports drinks for me, and I’ve been sipping them all the time. I’ve been able to eat small meals. Really small meals, but I can do it. All the things I didn’t know: salt deficiency can make you vomit, cause diarrhea, exhaustion, muscle weakness, and eventually death. Considering how much I’m bouncing back from everything now that I’m increasing my salt intake, I was pretty damned low. Glad I didn’t have to go to the doc to figure this out. Not that I could have; my exhaustion was so total I was breathless walking the 10 steps from my bed to my chair. Today I’ve been up and walking (slowly) up and down the hallway. No breathlessness or dizziness. Walking a few steps actually feels good.

But, yeah. Everyone is so damned concerned with too high of a salt intake we never hear the flip side. Let me tell you: the flip side is horrible. Painful. Exhausting.

T is now on the warpath, making sure he gives me more salt. I’ve had warnings to add salt to food at the table. But it was bad. I lost all my colour, all my strength, and it was like one big loop of pain and gas and bloating and exhaustion.

Found, too, I was actually at a pretty high risk level of low sodium levels. One: I’m older. Two: I take anti-depressants. Three: I take a lot of pain relief meds. Four: I usually drink water all day. By the time you add in the week of loose bowels, the vomiting and all the rest, it’s little wonder my salt levels fell so far.

I feel clearer in my brain. I can think better. My eyesight has improved. I’m feeling stronger. I actually have an appetite. And today was the first day since this began that I actually peed enough I could have given a urine sample. Up ’til this morning, it was just a few dark yellow drips. All in all, I think I’m finally on the mend.

But watch out for salt deficiency! If you make your food from scratch and purposefully do low salt meals (like me), you could be at risk. If you take anti-depressants and pain relief (like me), you could be at risk. Do NOT let it get out of control. My advice is to try drinking a sports drink every day to keep the salt deficiency symptoms away. It’s the minimum. But be very, very careful of this. Trust me: if it gets bad enough, you’ll end up in hospital. I probably should have gone. But I would have needed an ambulance, cause I couldn’t make it any other way. I know there are many people out there who eat that highly prepped food and are more at risk for high salt levels. Do not forget about low salt level problems!

Oh, man! I am SO happy to feel a bit better!

Update

It began like a dripping tap. My nose ran so much and so fast that there were times I couldn’t reach fast enough for a tissue and snot dripped down my face. Then came the cough. Ragged and terrible sounding. T whipped up a batch of green chicken soup. Which was great, until the vomiting began. Vomit, vomit, vomit, all day Wednesday. The last time was nothing more than some water and stomach acid. Sleep is more than just hit and miss; I am still sweating through everything at night. And I mean everything. My pjs, my pillows, my blankets: everything wet. Waking up almost every hour to cough up a storm. I feel so weak it’s hard to do anything. Everything makes me breathless. Getting up to get some food makes me breathless. Going to the toilet makes me breathless. It’s bad. I don’t know if I had yet another bout of covid or if whatever this is/was just made my long covid symptoms worse. I’m too tired to see a doctor. And since I finally seem to be on the mend, there’s really no reason. Right? Unless it just drags on and on.

Managed to eat twice already today. Mashed potatoes and poached chicken. I only have a little bit each time. My system got SO off that I had problems trying to digest anything yesterday. Gas, bloating, burping, farting, and let’s not talk about bathroom time! My ass is burning from all the acids.

Just can’t get enough sleep, either. I went down for 13 hours. And after I got up, all I wanted was to sleep some more.

Outside the weather is improving. Warmer, sunnier, just nicer all the way around. Of course. I always seem to fall ill when this happens.

I will recover. I will. Goddess, please don’t let this set me back even more. It was hard enough where I was with long covid. If it’s made even worse by this… Let’s just say it sounds very tough. VERY tough.

T is totally supportive. Fixing me food, telling me I’ll be okay. Loads of sympathy. Which I needed, ’cause the day of vomiting was really bad.

But it was only one day. I’m past that. I’m getting food and water down. Still not drinking coffee; worried about how it could affect my tummy. Crap is coming out of my sinuses – not looking healthy at all. I’ll get back on my feet, and then find out how much it’s affected me. Hoping I’ll feel stronger and less breathless on the other side. Until then, it’s rest and food and water.

Sick

Fighting something. I’m guessing it’s a sinus infection. Everything on my head hurts. Everything. Woke up in pain. Pain in my head, pain in my hips, pain. Down for the count and not going to band tomorrow.

The weather here has warmed up and I’ve been heading out with just a hoodie. Ran into my kitty friend yesterday. We hadn’t seen each other for several weeks. She meowed three times at me: to say hello, to ask for more attention, and to dismiss me when she was done with me. One of those mostly silent cats; got her to purr like mad but you couldn’t hear it. She just vibrated all over. Think she kept me down on the pavement for at least 20 minutes. Maybe even 30. We rubbed our heads and kissed and loved each up. It was great.

T is making me green chicken soup for whatever this illness is. Honestly I’m so tired at this point! Was up at 7 am ’cause I just couldn’t stand to lay in bed any longer. Ugh. I want my head to stop hurting. I was to get some real sleep.

T had to find a new email carrier that could handle our stuff. He sent me the link for mine and I went through the messages. Lo and behold, my brother D sent me a message. A very, very short message. He said ‘Hey sister, are you still alive? You nephew is 40 and your great nephew is 16.’ That’s it. Nothing of note. I’m not gonna answer him. I read his BS online. He’s a very hateful person and he’s raised a neo-Nazi. Guessing my great nephew may end up a serial killer. All that hate, all those guns, all that righteousness. And all that purposeful stupidity. Weird that he sent it. No reason for it. But that’s him: he sends out a two or three sentence message once every 15 or so years and expects an answer. Tempted to write back and tell him I died. Just so he’d leave me alone. But I’m guessing he’s feeling nervous about war breaking out and he wants to make sure that his grandson has an out, which would be me. When it was just my nephew, he asked if he could send him to me if the draft was reinstated. So that’s probably the reason. My brother is perfectly happy to bitch and complain about the US but he’ll never, ever fight for it. No. Fighting for it is other people’s job, not his nor his progeny. Not sure if I’d give my great nephew a place. On one hand, I think he should go back and fight for everything his father and grandfather scream and bitch about. On the other hand, I know how often kids are nothing like their parents. My great nephew may be a tree hugger. I’d like to figure out if he’s got a brain or not before I reject him outright.

Oh, I’m gonna close my eyes and try to doze a bit.

Hope we caught this early enough that I won’t be sick for long.

Long covid sucks

What you got? I got pain. Pain, pain, painpainpain. From what I can tell, it’s long covid muscle pain. Worst spot: the outsides of my thighs, right up near my hips. That’s what hurt me the most during my covid bouts and it’s never quite stopped since. Moving just aggravates it. It’s not sore muscles from exercise. That feels different. And it’s not my RA, although that’s a closer feeling to it than just overworking my muscles. But it hurts. All the effing time. It wakes me up at night and gives me problems rolling over in bed. It hurts me all day long whether or not I walk. And I’m still so effing breathless I’m thinking of asking someone to just make sure that I haven’t developed lung cancer along the way.

Still, I got up and walked. I’ll never get over it if I don’t, right?

T and I headed downtown yesterday to catch the latest Godzilla film at the cinema. It was the warmest day thus far in Rotterdam, and everybody was outside. No, that’s not an exaggeration. Unreal how busy it was! We popped in for a rice bowl beforehand at our fave place in Markt Hall. And surprisingly, the cinema was rather busy for the warmest Saturday of the year. Oh, yes. I am now the owner of yet another pair of 3d glasses. This is the 3rd pair I’m carrying. Ugh. The film was very enjoyable, even tho the music was awful (yet again! ). I brought along and once again used my cinema blanket. It’s a super light small thing that really doesn’t fully cover me up if I stretch out. Perfect for the cinema but not great for much of anything else. We popped into a 2nd hand shop and raided the DVD section, too. Came out with some much appreciated comedy. All in all, a great day out.

But DAMN! My hips hurt. I took effing paracetamol, too. Even stopped somewhere to buy more today while out on my walk because I’m effing taking it all the bloody time. All day, every day. And it doesn’t do much. I still hurt. Enough to do all this bitching, anyway.

At least all this non-sleeping BS has stopped. For now. I’m sure it’ll pop back up when I don’t want it.

No. Now all I want is to sleep. Sleep 10 hours every night and I’m still tired. Still wanting a nap.

Gotta pull it together. Have band on Wednesday and I know our guitarist will want to give these new songs a go. Ugh. And now it’s all about scheduling around T’s students, which is totally cool. We’re both happy with the sudden interest by loads of people. But it is a consideration. Between my pain and his students, I don’t know when I’ll get it it. I’d like to do a run through at least before Wednesday, but…. We’ll see.

Oh, I am so tired! And I really do hurt.

This sucks. Long covid sucks.

Not today

I woke up every single hour last night. Tossed and turned. Too hot, too cold, changing positions. Goddess! I don’t know that I slept at all. Got up at 6 am. My stomach isn’t right and I’m still going like mad. No idea what’s up. T just got up and his worried face on. He knows I haven’t been sleeping well lately.

This is NOT the fun side of mania.

Happy news. T has a new student. A 9 year old. Usually that’s a bit young for what he’s teaching, but this kid -! I was in my bedroom on my computer and I could hear him playing scales. T showed him the basic ‘do-re-mi’ scale on the bass and before he left (a scant 30 minutes later) he’d memorised the finger movement and was doing it over and over, not thinking about it. He came with his mom, who plays piano. I heard them both ooo and aah over T’s graphics showing the notes of the bass guitar on the piano. Oh, and that kid piped up clear as bell to thank T and tell him he was SO excited! The kid left the entire house feeling up and happy. By the time he’s 14 he’ll be a bass guitar god, riffing in key without thinking twice.

Waited around yesterday for a phone call from the dermatologist. *sigh* It took them quite a few follow up calls before they said ‘well, it sounds like your psoriasis is under control with the ointment, so if you don’t have any other problems…’ blah, blah. In other words: we did what we could for you, let us know if it gets worse. Otherwise, you got this. I coulda told them that a couple of years ago. In fact, I did. I’m glad they finally got there.

Today I’m waiting on my injections. Delivery and shooting up. Yuck. And then I won’t do anything because I slept for shit. Oh, today will be long!

But I’ve the new Godzilla film to look forward to. T agreed that we can see it in the cinema. It’s still around and now the new Ghostbusters is coming out so hopefully everyone who really wanted to see Godzilla will have seen it and we can enjoy a practically empty theatre. Yea! Really pleased with this new series. Fun and well done.

I’m up so early I’m actually gonna have to have breakfast. No idea what I’ll eat, but…food. Sounding like a good idea.

So more gaming. More sitting around. I will pull it together. My body will recover from whatever is going on. I’ll apply for more jobs and find something. I’ll get more exercise and start to feel stronger. Just not today.

Definitely not today.

Better than anything else

Today, I walked. Headed out and very soon found a smile on my face. That surprised me. Quite a bit. Struggled all day yesterday with anger. At myself, at the world…you name it. Managed to actually talk with T today. Told him what happened and that I would try to say something when and if it happens again but I needed him to know what I was doing and back me up should I come off…well, bitchy. Told him it was a trigger thing with me and how crappy I’d felt since rehearsal. How I wish I could speak up faster! But even telling T about it took time before I could say it without going off. I’m glad I took the time, too. The conversation with T went better than if I’d come at it with anger, which I was sure to do before I actually spoke up. Of that much, I’m certain. Not proud of it. Not at all. But I can be honest about it.

And T acknowledged our drummer can be a bit much to handle. Even told me that if I really couldn’t deal with him I could quit the band and he wouldn’t hold it against me. Which is a big thing, because when I joined he warned me that he didn’t want to see me quitting anytime soon. And I don’t really want to quit. It can be fun. I just don’t want to feel dissed, that’s all. But seeing as our two fellow bandmates are older than us, we just have to acknowledge at a certain point that they’re just old men with old men ideas. I may reach a point where I can say something when it happens and even get my point across, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be able to change their habits.

But, hey. I didn’t lose it in any manner. I spoke clearly and asked for help from T, and got a commitment to back me up. I even got out today during a break in the showers and did my circuit walk. Pushed it, as a matter of fact. Purposefully went as fast as I could. There’s plenty I haven’t done. Plenty. I feel good about what I have done. Which is a big improvement from yesterday.

Heck! I even enjoyed the flowers outside. We’ve blooms everywhere.

All positive shit. Now I just need to stay on that track. Keep moving, keep trying, keep speaking up when I’m able to. And keep asking for help. That’s a big thing for me, too. Acknowledge it; I did really really well. Yeah, it took me a couple of days and it was only T, whom I trust more than anyone so it’s easier to ask him, but I did it. I’ve got support. I took care of myself.

And that feels better than anything else.

That about covers it

I am unhappy. Not depressed. Not really. But unhappy. I am unhappy I said nothing during band when I was blatantly interrupted. It’s bugging me. Although I’ve run several scenarios thru my brain and not once do I manage to address the issue without getting angry, so I suppose in the long run it’s better I said nothing rather than start a fight because that’s what it would have become. Been there, done that. Did not want a five minute discussion on how I was overreacting or some other shit. No. No, no, no. But I didn’t take care of myself, either, and that’s bugging me.

It’s also bugging me that I have to be the one to come up with a way to address this rather than just taking it head on. It’s a trigger thing with me, you know? Happened SO much and SO often in my past that I just see red when it occurs. But, as a woman, I know full well that I have to come up with some non-angry way to bring it up and hold them responsible. Sad truth is I don’t think I can do it without being angry. But if I don’t find a way, it will just keep on happening because Goddess forbid that a couple of old men should actually change the way they diss women!

Oh, I feel the need to hit something. Hard.

Should probably get up and walk. Fresh air, movement, all that shit. I’d like to feel okay today. Not unhappy or triggered or anything like that. Just calm and relaxed. Too wound up for that, tho.

This long covid shit – if that’s what it is – is not fucking helping me, either. Goddess! I walk for an hour and I feel it in my feet and my knees and my hips. Don’t walk and I feel it all over, too. Still getting breathless WAY too easy. I worked up a sweat and was breathing hard just taking down and putting away my clean laundry. No reason for it, but there it was. I can’t seem to build any strength. No, I haven’t been breaking any exercise records, but I have been moving fairly steadily and I still get breathless and hurt way too much. It’s really effing discouraging.

*sigh* The job front isn’t helping me, either. Turned down for a nothing job! Geez, could I be made to feel less than I do today? Don’t think so. And how, I ask you, am I suppose to find a job when I can’t even take down my laundry without becoming out of breath?

I am less than a slug. I am the slime a slug leaves behind.

Yep. That about covers it.