Confused into Silence: I Don’t Know Me Anymore

Yesterday I read a blog post about narcissistic personality disorder. I read how a survivor of narcissistic personality disorder can easily show signs of post traumatic stress disorder. They can become depressed, aggressive, anxious, paranoid, lose their sense of self-worth…And my sister definitely exhibits every trait of a narcissistic personality disorder.

You know, I’ve been searching for a label for what I am, even though I’m afraid of every label you can name. I want something definable, a term I can write down for anyone to look up on the internet and see all the symptoms so they can say ‘oh! that explains it’. Maybe I just want something to blame, or to keep the blame three feet away from me. I really don’t know anymore. I feel like I don’t even know me.

Part of my scholastic background includes psychology. No, I’m no expert. Yes, I know a few things. I know, for instance, that a psychological disorder can mask itself as something else. For instance, PTSD from a narcissistic personality disorder abuse survivor could look an awful lot like bipolar. It could look an awful lot like me. So is that my problem? Or am I also bipolar? Or just depressed? Or some other label that as soon as a professional slaps it on me I’ll have heart palpitations and an anxiety attack?

I want and don’t want a label. I’m fine with labeling myself, but I’m scared of being labelled by a doctor. Silly, isn’t it? Yet there it is. My second counseling session was cancelled recently, and I’m as ambivalent about that as I am about a label for myself (Great, I didn’t have to get into ALL THAT yet. Oh no! How long am I going to have to sit on this?).

If I could do one thing for myself this morning, it would be to fine tune my emotions so I could only experience one at a time. There are blissful moments when I get that….and yes, this morning, even my deep depression seems a little blissful in comparison because it was just down, down, down without anything conflicting that. It’s the jumble I hate. The back and forth, seeing both sides, unable to make a firm decision even about the way I fucking FEEL that I hate. I’m sitting here typing this out as fast as my RA fingers can handle it and almost rocking back and forth at the same time because I just can’t stop can’t stop can’t stop.

FUCK!

You know, I wouldn’t describe myself as depressed right now, but I’ve got so much sorrow inside me I’m almost in tears. And I don’t even know what it’s about. Listening to music – even happy music – makes me cry because I love music and it can be so beautiful. Watching films or shows I like on tv makes me cry every time a tear jerking scene comes up….even non tear jerking scenes. Bloody anything can set me off right now into a crying jag and I don’t even feel depressed and I don’t know why I feel this way.

I’ve got 2 hours to pull it together. Have an appointment with my rheumatologist today, so I’m forced to go out into public. I wouldn’t choose to do that today. I’d prefer to hole up in my apartment for the afternoon, then maybe sneak out after 6 for a walk under the trees. But I can’t. I’ve got to go to fucking HOSPITAL to see my specialist (one thing I don’t care much for about the health system here. Wish I could go to a private office – less people would see me). At least there’s a blazing sun out so no one will question my sunglasses. I wear sunglasses a lot to hide my face on days like today. Because I’ll tear up and start to cry just about everywhere, and trust me, it freaks people out. The sunglasses hide the tearing up, and give me a chance to take a few deep breaths, look away to wipe the tears that are starting to fall, and pretend that I’m ok.

I’m not ok. I don’t know what I am anymore. My usual thing would be to clam up right now, stop communicating. I get confused into silence. But I’m trying to do things differently, to think outside the box my head is so obviously in. So I’m going to keep blogging. This may get ugly; I don’t know what’s going to come out and a lot of it might be nonsense. I’m also going to tell my brother what’s going on. He’s the only person who really cares, and I owe it to him to let him know what’s going on and that I may be in a downward spiral. I don’t know. I’m just jumbled up.

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12 thoughts on “Confused into Silence: I Don’t Know Me Anymore

  1. Hi there. The first thing I thought reading this was – labels don’t matter in Mental Health, because there seems to be so many – and any, or all, of the symptoms of most of them you will probably experience at some point. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks , etc, etc … but by the end I realized that I recognized so much of your description … it is that sheer frustration at not being able to make a decision, or be able to actually pin down which emotion you are feeling because – well, blink and you’re experiencing something else – and you’re thoughts seem to be racing along at about a hundred miles an hour … that is the part of Bipolar that most people struggle to understand unless they have experienced it! For me , my Blog has helped, because the sheer act of having to try to put it into words helps my mind focus … and I get to by-pass my minds compulsory affirmation that “I’m fine” – that I get when trying to engage in a conversation with an actual person. So go ahead, use your blog … blurt it all out! You never know, something you say might help someone else or, better still, something someone else writes might be useful to you. 😉

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    1. Thank you. Thanks both for taking the time to comment and for the comment itself. This isn’t easy. For some reason I’m reminding myself of one of my cats…He’d get into a big brown paper bag, start to bat at one end, and seemed to forget there was an exit behind him. I kind of feel like that: I get to this weird place emotionally, keep batting around in frustration, and forget there’s another way out….somewhere…..

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  2. I started with this post and have read back through your entire blog. It has taken me quite a while. It’s really hard to live in another country, to not speak the language and to feel like everywhere you go, people are judging you because you’re not like them. I don’t know much of your background but isn’t it funny to finally be the foriegner? I know it made me change my outlook on alot of things in life. You seem like you’re on a downward sprial. I guess the highs are turning into anger which are slowly going to turn into guilt which will then turn into a heavy-set depression that you feel like you’ll never snap out of; until one day you do, and then you’re back at the top, laughing and joking and smiling. A vicious fucking circle of emotions that wear you down to nothing. Your words seem to help you, at least thats the way it looks, i guess i’ll never know how you actually feel inside after one of your rants. But I know that writing helps me, It doesn’t take my feelings away but it does make them real, and once they are real I can focus on fixing them. There is a way out, giving yourself something to look forward to is the best way out. Just don’t put all of your eggs in one basket or you’ll end up doing just what you said, putting too much emphasis on one event and when that event doesn’t work out, well then…fuck. Anyways, just wanted to let you know that there are people reading what you write and your words aren’t falling on deaf ears (or blind eyes).

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  3. Amazing. Thanks for this. When my narcissist discarded me I remember standing in my kitchen saying to myself I don’t know who I am anymore. Big, huge red flag there. I losy myself. It’s taken me five years to get here. Here isn’t fantastic. Certainly not how I wished my life would be. I’ve changed though. Boundary have a place now. If people don’t like them tough. I don’t try to change myself to feel valued. I have learnt that people need to accept me for who I am or in my eyes they were not worth knowing to begin with. I now have some goals in place for my life and am doing it on my own. It’s scary but I need to prove to myself I can do this. Here now is a place of contentment, a place of not walking on eggshells anymore, not pleasing anyone else but myself. It’s strange and challenging for a Co dependent. It feels uneasy but living with a narcissist for ten years has taught me never to not listen to my emotions. I listen to them everyday and even the horrible ones I confront and deal with. I come out the other side when I deal with them head on instead of pretending I’m OK. Thank you for writing this and the way it’s written. It shows its from the heart. Keep it up and big hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! ❤ Over a year since I wrote this. Still having ups and downs, which point to a real bipolar problem, but at least writing on this blog has helped me sort out my feelings. And hearing from other people, like you, who tell me they've been there or are experiencing the same thing right now helps me so much. Makes me feel less a freak of nature, and I think we all struggle with that one from time to time. 🙂

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  4. I lived with a narcissist too. For four years. He’s been out of my life for a year now and I’m still missing pieces of me. Good luck and be strong xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi there,
    I came across this blog, and was zapped into a mirror of what I write about myself. I don’t know who I am. I refer to myself as the chaos chameleon, a misfit. When I do venture into public, people tell me how positive and nice I am. But inside, i feel like complete shit, and it drains All my energy to smile, and say thank you. I’m a people pleaser, I don’t like opening up about myself. My husband gets angry very easily, like dropping food on the ground.
    I am jumpy, and I definitely love my animals more than anything in the world. I understand when you repeat the same words over and over. I do it in my head constantly, so I feel nothing. My heart goes out to you. I hope and pray, you keep peeling the layers back off the onion, and discover you. Hugs.

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    1. Hi Remi,
      Once again I have dual feelings: I’m gutted that yet another person can relate so much to this post (meaning someone else lived thru a similar Hell to mine), and yet I’m so pleased to hear from you, too. I know how difficult it can be to admit these one-sided manipulative things are what we take for “healthy relationships”.

      Seems the onion never stops having more layers. I peel and peel, and think I’ve got it all…then it pops back up in another form. But that’s progress, right? 😉

      At the core of it is what’s at the core of most issues: our relationship with ourself. The people who use and abuse others – whether they’re narcissists or just shits – they’re not right. They’re very, very wrong. But I needed to understand that even when I think I didn’t, I had a choice in the matter, and my decision was to take it. Take the blame, take the hateful, hurtful language and actions. I thought I was saving someone I cared about from pain, every time I did it. And maybe I did save them pain – but I also stunted their development. I took away from them an opportunity to become more than what they were. That wasn’t my call to make. And, good intentions aside, it didn’t work out well for anyone. I got into a cycle of blame and self hate, and my abusers were let off the hook.

      Thank you so much for your words and wishes. Must be honest and say I’m a little worried about you. Not pleased to hear about your situation. It can’t be easy to try and calm down when someone around you is easily angered. And…I’m not your shrink, nor even your friend (yet), but you’ve got to recognize that trying to feel nothing isn’t healthy. Please, remember one thing: you can’t be part of a relationship if you don’t share yourself. Your feelings are part of you, so if you hold them back you’re putting up walls between you and everyone else. That doesn’t mean you have to scream or wail or anything. Yes, it usually looks like that when you first try to open up about how you feel – which is really off putting. Who wants to cause a scene like that? But it’s so important. I used to think ‘why can’t he/she/they see how I feel?’; I expected people to read my subtle body language signs and interpret them correctly. But you know what? People are basically dumb. Not everyone, but people in general. They’re too busy or tied up with their own worries to recognize anything else. You’ve got to say the words. ‘I feel…’ and fill in the blank. Never ‘you do this’. NEVER! ‘I feel’. Remember that. If you’re up against a narcissist, the other person will tell you you’re wrong to feel the way you feel. My advice: walk away and never look back. Most people will hear you and respond – quite often with a mirror statement about how they feel. The narcissist, tho, will turn it on you. It’s my iron clad narcissist test. Use it. ❤

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