I’m still here. Still too hot from the sweltering temps, still too tired from wanting to sleep more but being unable to stay in bed for more than 6 hours, still too confused about where I am emotionally to even want to begin writing anything today. I made a promise to myself in my head, tho. A promise to keep writing right now, even if I felt I had nothing to put on the page. Because I’m in danger. Danger of falling back down the well of depression. I can feel it.
The edge is a risky place to dance. Right now a feather could send me over into either direction. Past behavior? Grab at anger. At least it’s an active emotion. It can give me enough impetus to keep going. I don’t want to do that this time. I don’t want to start shouting at the world. The world sucks. It really, really sucks but my yelling at it isn’t going to change a fucking thing. I know most of the people walking this planet are MORONS. There, I’ve said and I’ll say it again. MOST PEOPLE ARE MORONS. I’ve never had patience for slow people, and when I’m like this the little patience I’ve cultivated through the years degrades into rage pretty quick. I don’t get how so many people could be so stupid for so fucking long. I don’t understand wars or cheating or lying or stealing or polluting the earth. I don’t understand why all I hear on the news are sob stories about this war, crying over that financial crisis, screaming over this new atrocity yet NOTHING CHANGES. Nothing. I’ve been watching this shit for 49 years now. The names of the players change every generation or so, but the game is always the same. And why? Well, it isn’t just that people are morons. That’s part of the problem, obviously. If the entire human race had a bump up of intelligence then maybe – maybe – we’d see something change. But you know what? Humans aren’t getting smarter, they’re getting dumber. Scholastic standards keep getting lowered. Don’t believe me? Go and google a US high school exam from the early 1900s or late 1800s. I’ve seen them and think I could answer maybe one or two of the questions on it. Most were waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay above my head, and I hold a couple of degrees. The scholastic bar keeps getting lowered so schools can show ‘good’ test results and get more funding. It doesn’t matter that there’s still a large percentage of kids growing up who can’t read as long as the fucking schools get their funding, which will go into someone’s pockets because it won’t go to the fucking school to improve the kids lives whatsofuckingever because no one on this planet really think that kids are the greatest asset in the world. It’s just lies, lies, lies made to soothe voters’ consciences.
No, I don’t have kids. Yes, I’m fucking angry at the way small people are treated.
I’m pretty fucking angry at the way the planet is treated.
I’m pretty fucking angry at a lot of things right now.
And there I am, right back at that spitting fire anger. Didn’t take long for that to surface, now did it?
People are basically shit. Get them in the dirt with a world of trouble and they will show you their true colors. I mean, that’s the basis of a whole shitload of Hollywood films. It was the entire basis of the great Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. The zombies in that were a sideline; his real story lay in the responses of the people inside the house. In fact, that’s all of Romero’s films: they are social commentary on people under stress. They are NOT zombie films. Yes, I love Romero’s work. I’m missing the old Dawn and Day because I only had VHS copies and haven’t yet found them on a new medium. And when I say I’m missing them, I mean I’m MISSING them. My heart actually contracts with a little sigh when I think about not having them in my collection. Because I’ve known for a long time why Romero’s work has gone so huge. When I watch a Romero film, I feel just a little bit like I wish it would really happen. I feel like battling a physical enemy, the walking dead, would be so much easier than battling my invisible foes. Everything could fall into black and white: survive or die. And zombies are the perfect combatant: they are not alive, they do not feel, they do not have families and jobs and pets. They have the semblance of a human without actually being human. So the zombie apocalypse fantasy is truly wonderful: you can release frustrations towards other humans on a human-like non-human. Kill without the guilt. That’s truly the key – Romero offers the idea of killing with no guilt. That’s a very seductive idea. No big surprise that zombie films, zombie games, and zombie stories have proliferated throughout the modern world. I mean, who DOESN’T want to kill a zombie? Anyone?
But there are no zombies. Only people. Frustrated, angry, stupid people. Me included.