I’ve lived it

Went thru Act 3 last night. That’s the act I was most worried about. Some negativity from the actors, some misinterpretation of my story…it was adding up to concern that the third act wasn’t gonna go well. And while I’m dealing with some non-native English speakers who have to practice what word to emphasize in some sentences, they’re listening to the director, adding in their own things, and it’s coming together. But, yeah. We laughed last night, but the mood was far more serious than the other two acts – even when I went into clown mode, miming wild gestures. That is due to the actor playing the government agent. She is such a buzz-kill. Even when she’s being a bit playful, she’s somber. But at least she can be playful.

Connected everything with everything. My phone is somehow connected now to FB, tho FB ended up being a shit and making me put in a new password even tho my home computer is still signed in on the old password. But, hey! I saw the news articles about FB. I don’t expect much other than personal invasion.

I’m being dragged into the 21st century whether I like it or not…

Got some pix on my new phone and the director set me up so every pix and vid on my phone goes directly to Google storage. Yippee; I can add photos to my theatre blog post today.

Need to try hooking the camera directly into my computer. The director said try that before we go any further. Crossing my fingers that my mac will recognize it. Then I can just download here at home, make the vids, and get them out.

Tonight is Act 1 again. Need to run my lines this afternoon.

Tomorrow is recording night. Up at 2 because my bro said the sweet spot in this building is between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. Thinking I may just doze off in my chair and bring my alarm clock out here. I’m usually up ’til midnight these days, or almost. Nap for 2 hours, do the recording, then finally head off to bed. It’s gonna be weird, and I expect it to throw me for a few days.

Still working on my Dutch homework. More exercises than I thought in that small packet! Feeling good about it, tho. Confident.

Got in fresh air and sunshine yesterday. Breathed that cold air into my lungs, smelled that autumn smell of decaying leaves, looked up at the blue sky… It was a good choice. I was right; it had been too long since I’d done that.

And…wow! My bro’s stepped up the last few nights. I’ve come home to a clean kitchen post rehearsals. Dishes done, garbage and recycling out. Must remember to thank him for that. I come home wound up and tired. I notice the crap is gone but I’ve bigger things on my mind. Ha! The Universe is teaching me why I don’t hear about the same tasks from my bro when he’s out doing things. The shoe is on the other foot. Okay. I get it. Now I’ve got to change it. Start speaking up to him, thanking him when I come home and the house is clean. Point out to him that I notice and appreciate his work. If I do that, maybe I can teach him to do the same when things flip around again.

Spoke to the director about video for the production. Said we needed to meet and talk about that, that I needed time to create the vids. He agreed. Good. I roughed in several ideas months ago, so I’ve something to go on. And, as usual, my head’s been filling in those rough ideas. Edit this, do that, bring the entire tone of each vid into the lighting of the play.

Remembered, too, to ask about our local tv programming. It won’t hurt us to go in there and see if anyone doing a show on Rotterdam local events wants to interview or talk about the production. The director laughed at me when I told him I often surf thru those channels late at night. He considers it a cul-de-sac; a dead end that reaches no one. I disagree. Even if we only reach 5 people, that’s 5 more than we’re reaching now and it costs us nothing. We’ve got to start getting press coverage from somewhere. If we can’t convince a free, local tv show to talk about us we’ll never get larger press coverage.

And let’s not forget tomorrow I’ll be in the dentist’s chair. Brrr! Nothing like a bit of dentist anxiety and a panic attack at 10 in the morning. Really wakes you up.

Time to pull out that camera and start fiddling. I’d like to begin filming tonight. Compiling clips. It’ll take time to get what I want.

And… How insecure is it of me to know I want to wear make-up while I film myself? I know what I look with and without make-up on camera, and the whole thing will sell better if I wear make-up. That means painting my face tonight. Meh. Well, I’ll get plenty of practice in. I may even need to buy more make-up ’cause I’ll be using it on a regular basis. I just… I don’t want a hundred clips of myself looking so damned tired. Besides. Beauty sells. Anything and everything. I’d be stupid to ignore that fact.

Time to shoot up with my weekly drug that keeps me on my feet. I hate injecting myself. Have to really disconnect even tho it’s just under the skin. Goddess forbid that I’d have to find a flipping vein! Could not do it. Ugh. Have a very ugly memory of a drug addict sticking a needle in and out of his arm trying to find a vein. I put in in my memory deliberately. Sounds strange, I know. But that night I knew what was happening. I didn’t participate, but I did watch.

If I ever had to choose one moment when I decided somewhere inside of me to become a writer, that was it. That night. Watching that horror.

Watching that horror…

And the penny drops. There it is. The source. The reason why I’m finding it so easy to write horror.

I’ve lived it.


Foreign Language

Comedy in a second language. Admittedly one of the hardest things to understand. You need the language skills, sure, but you also need enough cultural background to know why something is funny.

Yesterday, my teacher walked us through a little Dutch joke. I read the piece, realized it was supposed to be funny, but I didn’t understand enough to get it. Now I’ve got it in my arsenal, ready to whip out and try on Dutch speakers. I’m hoping to use it first on the teacher who taught it to me. She doesn’t laugh enough (in my opinion).

Almost thought it was going to be a one-on-one lesson yesterday. And for once, I would have welcomed it. My head was set for Dutch. Got some sections in my homework 100%, others not so great – but at least I’m seeing 100% on my homework a bit more often. One of the other students is well advanced with the language, and once we got going on homework answers it was like a quiz show: rapid fire responses, high excitement, and giggles when we got an answer wrong. The other student is one of the worst students in our lesson. Bless my teacher; she did her best to help the third student but kept the pace fast for we two advanced students. But WHOA, NELLIE! How did this person get into our class? She’s so far behind us she’s not even sure an M makes a ‘mmm’ sound. Getting her to read is painful. She knows zero letter combination sounds. Hard to believe someone thought she was ready to move into our class. She can’t even conjugate simple verbs from the personal to the second, third, or plural forms – much less handle the complex forms of verbs.

Ach! I was not that far behind everyone else when I began. Well…this is why your teachers were concerned over you growing bored. Thing is, I feel it still well worth my patience to sit there because my teachers are so damned good. I’ve heard from others in the lesson; they disagree. A number of them don’t think our teachers are good. I think they’re all mad; I’m learning so much from these two! But then, I’m reading. And doing the homework. And trying.

Lots of rainclouds. Many promises of afternoon or nighttime storms. While you can hear the city sigh with satisfaction over the cooler air streaming in through the windows, it’s still bone dry out there.

Feels like my body clock has re-set. I used to be a breakfast person. Oatmeal every day. I craved it, as a matter of fact. Woke up hungry and wanting it. Now… Now, I’m lucky if I get hungry enough by noon to force something down my throat so I can take the pills I need to take with food. And my real hunger zone is 6 pm to 10 pm. That’s when I get up, stomach growling, and search for ‘a bit of something’. Difficult. Seems I grow especially hungry the closer I come to my evening pill time, which I can’t take unless my stomach has been empty for 2 hours or more. I’ve put myself on a food schedule. Eat before noon, like it or not. Don’t eat after 7 pm, like it or not. Frankly, I don’t like it.

Oh – and Yippee! Confirmed that yes, most school lessons are beginning in the end of August, but our teachers will be on holiday ’til mid September. That means that even tho I’ve humped my way thru summer lessons, I’ll still get a solid 4 week break from everything. That’s pay dirt, people. I’m planning at least a week of lulling around, paying my respects to Mr. Jack Shit. It also gives me plenty of time to do the work I’ve lined up for myself.

Listened to my own music on the metro the other day. My roughs from my ‘latest’ techno release. It’s still in the works: roughs are recorded, but I haven’t gone further. I was enamored with my own work for at least a year, unable to hear any faults. Then I grew sick of it, and stopped listening all together. Now I can finally hear it clearly: what’s good and what isn’t. Have a couple of songs I need to edit. Too long; they end up dragging. Most I just need to mix.

Mentioned all of that to my bro, who sighed deeply. Will you just take a break, please? It’s either the play or the website or now your music! Slow down, sis. I still haven’t seen you really stop. Concentrate on the production, but don’t kill yourself over it. Get past it, then look at your music. Take some notes if you feel you need to. But please don’t open up the studio and start on all that!


August is here, with its damp breath and hot farts. I’m not a fan. Not of the dog days of summer, not of the sweat the month always brings, not of my sister’s birthday that sits like a buzzard on my calendar, ready to pounce on me when I’m least ready for it. Unlike my friends’ birthdays, I don’t have hers marked on my calendar. I don’t need to. The date stands out for me every year, like the damned day is on fire. This year I find my feelings more mixed than ever. I’ve learned a bit of understanding, a bit of empathy for my sister. I can even imagine the circumstances that created the scenarios I find so debasing and horrible. I see how she was abused. But I have no forgiveness in my heart. I cannot believe she will ever change or feel real responsibility for her part in what happened. My sister will die without me by her side, without me marking the occasion except with a befuddled and semi-amused ‘hmph’ when I hear the news. I guess that’s not a bad thing. I’d rather be non-plussed than triggered.

And someday I hope to write about it. I hope to see past my own anger enough to find what’s funny about it, because I want it to be comedic. It’ll take all my cultural understanding, all my patience, all my work on seeing and understanding my family from another perspective.

Truly… Seeing my family in a comedic light is a foreign language.

The woman she wanted to be

Whoohoo! I am okay. Went to the doc for my test results. Figured either way, she’d want to see me. I was dreading it. I knew the chances were low, I knew I had none of the signs, but after seeing C die slowly for years from colon cancer, I think I had reason to be concerned. Had a substitute doctor, actually. Mine was on holiday for a week. But she was very nice, and spoke very clearly. I did the entire appointment in Dutch, and am proud of myself for staying calm enough to use my language skills. I’ve a referral to a dietician. Ooo! Always saw dietician on those placards at the doctor’s office; physio down this hall, dietician down that one. Never been sent to a dietician before so I don’t know what to expect. All I do know is that no one’s gonna shove anything up my ass to ‘just take a look around’, nor will they make me swallow gross radioactive goo so my insides light up on an x-ray. And for me, that’s enough.

My bro took me shopping at the mall after my appointment. I noticed his sneakers are falling apart and I saw a sale advertised for cheap canvas shoes, so I suggested we go and take a look. Walked around the mall three times. My feet were sweating in my orthopedics, and by the time I came home I found I’d built up a blister on my pinkie toe (weird place to have a blister, and incredibly painful). I also did something else; the nail on my middle toe was bloody. Must have popped another blister or something. Not happy about that, but I’ll accept that my feet sweat a lot and in warmer weather I just can’t wear my specially built heavy leather shoes. We did not find shoes for T, nor sandals for me (nor anything other clothing to tempt either of us into spending a bit of cash), but we did raid the cheap DVD store and found a second hand copy of Blade Runner 2049 and bought some really cheap (€1,49 each) T-shirts to replace the worst ones in our collection.

Oh. And it was ten p.m. before I remembered to take my pill. *sigh* At least I remembered to take it…

Feels a bit like I’m on holiday. This huge, tilting weight that threatened to crash down on me just got moved out of my life. I don’t have to prevent myself from thinking about it because I’m okay. No more appointments to dread, no more tests to worry about.

I think I’ll find something extra special nice to do for myself this weekend. A little celebration, just for me. Yes. I deserve that. And I really want to emphasize the positive with myself: I faced my fears and went to the doc. I did not do what C did and just ignore it or pretend to myself it wasn’t happening. That’s the one thing that kept me moving forward: saying over and over to myself that I’m not my mother. I am stronger and braver than she ever was.

I am the woman my mother wanted to be.

…Whoa. Take a minute or two to absorb that.

Gods. Admitting that means I have to tip my hat to C for teaching me what she did. I grew up getting nagged over procrastination. C was on my ass for everything important, reminding me of deadlines and pushing me constantly. It’s made me into the nervous wreck I am today. And I’ve been damned angry at her for decades now, because it’s obvious to everyone she had signs of colon cancer for years and she chose to do nothing. She, a nurse and the family medical expert. She, who nagged me every day about procrastinating. She, who pulled the famous ‘do as I say, not as I do’ shit on me. But she never taught me the way she thought she was going to. She thought her nagging and constant harassment would make the difference to me. But she made the difference. I saw what she did, how she acted, and resolved to never be anything like her. So if she procrastinated on the medical side of things, I sure as fuck won’t.

…And I see it, now. I see how C pushed my Dad to take care of his diabetes and heart problems. I see how she cared for everyone as best she could except for herself. I see how worthless she felt. It was there, in every move, every word.

The difference between her and me is that I’m willing to admit to it. I’m willing to talk about it. I’m willing to own it.

But if a parent’s real wish is to have their children do better than they did, if a carer’s real desire is to make sure others don’t fall into traps and problems they’ve encountered… Well, my mother accomplished that on some level. She did not manage to convey a sense of self worth to me or my siblings. She did not manage to make us feel safe or loved. But her example – right up to the day she took her own life – has stood for all of us as…well, as the thing we measure ourselves against. My oldest brother calls my mother a coward for committing suicide. Or, he did that once then reverted to the lie that C died of colon cancer. My sister hated my mother for years, called her a martyr, and always argued with her. She desperately tries to not be our mother, but she does so with no understanding and thus is doomed to repeat a lot of C’s mistakes.

…Holy crap. I think I’m ready to let go of that measuring stick. I don’t need to compare myself to my mother anymore because I’ve already surpassed her.

I am more than what she was. I am braver, smarter, stronger, happier, calmer. I am, truly, the woman she wanted to be.


Out of jail. That’s how my head feels: I’m out of jail. Finally.

This delightful feeling of lightness comes from another notch in my understanding of Dutch. They said reading would help. I didn’t believe them as I slogged through text after text, never enjoying it, always feeling like it was homework because there were just too many words I didn’t know. Yesterday I reaped the benefits of my hard work. Every word from my instructors was crystal clear. I heard the ‘-ie-‘ used for ‘hij’ after a verb that ended in T. I heard ‘raad’ (guess) and knew what the meaning was. I heard ‘ingewikkeld’ (complicated) and caught on right away. I heard ‘om’ and ‘toe’ and ‘maar’ and ‘al’ – those pesky words that flash by in a blink with native speakers. I was so excited I just sat there vibrating with joy and excitement. I didn’t just follow the gist of the conversation, I got every word.

My teachers took my suggestions to heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you! We spent the day going over prepositions. Not just over or under, which are the baby prepositions you learn with A,B,C, but those larger prepositions that can get split in a sentence. I was not the only one excited by the lesson; everyone seemed to respond that way. We were more jovial, more verbal, there were more questions, more examples, and when we broke for coffee midway we ended up sitting around a table together and continuing to discuss prepositions, our lives, and the language. We were all so into it, as a matter of fact, that everyone – students and teachers alike – stayed an extra 15 minutes to finish up some reading.

I didn’t want the lesson to end. I didn’t want to take a break. I just wanted to keep hearing the language so clearly. Keep reading, keep learning. I don’t ever remember feeling so fired up, tho I imagine I once felt this way about English.

*sigh* Real satisfied joy. Boy, that’s a great feeling!

Today’s my appointment with Dr D, my GP, about the pain killers. Almost forgot about it with everything else. It’s small potatoes now, and I wonder why I ever thought it was a big deal. Go in, have my say, head out. No big whoop.

Yesterday was the first day I truly felt back to full health. No hunger pains or problems from almost starving myself. No headaches or jaw aches, no toilet problems or sleep problems. I had energy, I was alert, and I felt good physically and mentally. Happy I’ll be able to say all that to my doc. Worry was becoming a constant companion to me. Who’d a thunk my biggest problem was food? Not me, certainly. I have an almost non-stop litany of ‘you’re so fat’ going in my head. So I skip meals, cut back on what I eat, and never feel like I’m really doing enough. But I’m not 15, or 25. My body can’t do this any more, as evidenced by the migraines and other accompanying pain I experienced. And I shouldn’t feel like I need to ask it to do this.

It’s time to tackle my body issues. Among other things.

…Well, at least I’ll be doing it on a full stomach, for Pete’s sake…

Sent out some emails expecting them to be answered quickly. Naturally, they aren’t. One was to the director asking about meeting this week to go over the script. Hope my messages didn’t fall into a black hole. Again. There are black holes in cyber-space, and there are servers and areas where emails typically go missing. I’ve had it happen to me before. Best to give it a few days. Every time I follow up fast, thinking my message has gone missing, all I end up doing is annoying the other person because yes, they actually did get my first message and they’re just not as fast on response as I want them to be.


Thinking I might head to the gym after my doc’s visit. I feel good enough to go and get a walk in. Yippee! That’s real progress. Trying to not dwell on how long I’ve been off my routine, or how long it will take me to get back to where I was physically. The goal is simply to get some movement. I still want to break 5km in 30 minutes, but I’m not ready to even get back on the cross trainer quite yet. I’ve been real good on taking care of myself, being gentle with myself. Getting on the cross trainer at this venture…oh, that’s asking me to push too hard and hurt myself. Nope. Won’t even give myself the opportunity.

I’ve very aware how close I am to tipping into full blown mania again. I’m too excited and excitable, too easily wound up, too easily thrown off from my normal sleeping and eating patterns. Nine days before my first psychiatrist appointment, and I hardly expect to be given a prescription after my first visit, so the number one rule is (as it’s been for quite some time now): take care of myself. Don’t judge what that looks like, just do what it takes. I cannot afford another three months down because of TMJ. I do not want more pain. I do not want to take more pain pills. And I have firm commitments coming up, goals to achieve. I need to be in good health to do all these things.

Prisons come in all shapes and sizes. My prison… I was going to say it was ‘all in my head’, which technically it is, but I don’t want to feel discounted by my own words. My prison was is was (which is the correct verb?) very real. A prison of anxiety and fear, self doubt and self hate. I walled myself off years ago to protect myself, never fully realizing how much I would cut myself off in the process.

Those walls are coming down. The language barrier is coming down.

And I’m free.

The Right Words

After a few days of pre-scheduled posts (because it’s summer holiday, and I was sleeping in), we’re back to live, or as alive as it gets for the written form in cyber space.

Found a call for submissions, 20 minutes tops – and the deadline is 9 days away. It’s even got a topic to write on – “from the ashes” (interpreted as literally or fancifully as you want). At first, I was gonna blow right past it. But something made me stop, and take a PDF copy onto my desktop, and think. I figured, I got the time; why not try?

It was odd to go through the motions of deep writing for a small piece. Thinking. A bit of research and googling. Pace, pace, pace. Jot down three different ideas. Pace, pace, pace. Sit and begin to write. Not any of the three ideas I jotted down, naturally. Something completely different.

And then there was this note at the end of the submissions page:

[We’ll hire] at least 50% women, people of color, LGBTQ+ folks, people with disabilities, and any member of any underrepresented, or otherwise marginalized community.

…I read that statement to my brother, and he got a good laugh when I told him my characters – a black gay man, a transgender male, a lesbian, a disabled Indian woman, and one straight, white woman (I know; it sounds like the opening line to a joke). Stacking the deck? Maybe. Yet, why not? Why not make it a mixed bag, why not write for these groups? They’re people, with stories to tell. My concern, of course, is that I’m not black, or gay, or transgender, or technically disabled – and I’ll get dissed for it.

But…come on! Men write roles for women all the time, and they can’t have any better idea what it actually is to be a woman as I’d have knowing what it’s like to be a gay black man or a transgender man or a lesbian or a disabled Indian woman.

And I plan on sending a draft to my friend, J, and asking him if he thinks it’s offensive. I know he’s not the mouthpiece for the LGBTQ community, but he is a part of it. Plus, I know he’ll be upfront with me.

It’s obvious to me I’ve had my fill of writing drama/thrillers for now. This bloody thing is a comedy (told you it sounded like a joke set-up). Or, I hope it is. …Comedy is damned difficult to write. So much depends on the inflection given to dialogue. And somehow, in the past few decades, this skewed idea of black comedy has seeped into our culture. Oh, I’ve seen a few black comedies that were outrageously funny! But many seem to be simple dramas or even tragedies that the author just decided to label as ‘comedy’ – because there’s nothing funny about them at all. Not from what I’ve seen. Sorry. After seeing “The Snapper”, my interest in what humans call black comedy went straight down the toilet (the most horrible film ever made, in my opinion, for it shows nothing but the basest and most vile cross section of humanity the writer could dredge out of the slurry pit of his mind. Warning: if you watch this film, a girl gets pregnant after something I’d dub a rape and her family fucking celebrates it – disgusting).

I’m old fashioned. I think a comedy should make you laugh at some point.

…Maybe it’s inevitable that comedy offends someone. I mean…aside from slap-stick, it’s hard not to offend someone with a joke. And hell! Even slap-stick can be offensive. I’ve seen the old Benny Hill show. Offensive as fucking hell.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so worried about it.

But worrying about it prevents me from worrying about other things, which is a Godsend, really. So I’ll allow myself to be concerned over offending people with my writing. I’ll spend the hours pacing and typing away, concocting yet another play that may or may not see the light of day.

One other thing. I’m noticing a pattern in my writing. A deep seated desire for reconciliation. Almost all my stories (other than my thrillers) are ending with a reconciliation scene. Apologies, acceptance – even love.

And, you know…I’m glad of it. Glad to see that beneath all my anger and frustration, a seed of kindness and understanding still thrives. That’s what I’m after in real life. Maybe I’ll write a way to that for myself. Find something in my own words that turns the tide, stills my anger, and keeps me calm.

I just have to find the right words.

A Nod to Vanity

Forgot for a few days to check with the theatre group about all those pictures. Signed in and found the above, set as THE advertisement for the play.

Yes, that’s me on the left.

After all my moaning and thinking I wouldn’t even MAKE the promotional picture, here it is. Just me and my acting partner (there’s 8 of us in the cast). Can’t help but feel it’s a nod from the group, here’s the people you really want to come and see. Popped a note off to the director’s girlfriend, who did the poster, and thanked her for all her work. Yeah, she’s got PhotoShop and yeah, it’s a simple posterization of the original photo with a few words thrown over the whole thing. Nonetheless, I know what it’s like to work on the behind the scenes – often a thankless job. So I thanked her, and told her I was really jazzed and honored.

So far, no reply.

I’ve thought about using the pic as the desktop for my computer. I probably won’t; that’s more than a nod to vanity, that’s an outright leg-spread.

Can I say, though, that I’m more than pleased to see this picture of myself and say I DON’T view myself as fat? Maybe I’m not a stick, but I’m not a balloon, either. Photographic proof. I have this bad habit of hanging my sister’s body off my head in my mind – obese. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been around many full-length mirrors. Maybe it’s because my mother treated me as a mini version of my sister: matching clothes, hair, and even (reputedly) naming me after her.

But I’m NOT my sister. Nor my mother. That’s a unique person in that picture. Truly unique.

One other thing. I usually don’t pull my hair back from my face like that. Since I was 15, my bangs generally hang low over my face, half obscuring it. It makes me feel safe. Hidden. But I like the way I look with my hair pulled back. It’s open, inviting. Friendly. To me, that looks like someone you could walk up to and begin a conversation. Ask for directions. Comment on the weather while waiting for the metro.

Am I finally seeing myself the way other people see me?

Got to the gym for exercise. Feel much better for doing it. Blew all the calories I burned by buying and eating several fancy little cakes. I know! I know. Counter-productive. And it’s an old coping mechanism. But I have to admit, the past few days with the memory of feeling good, performing well, and now the picture…It’s brought up a few things for me. More than a few things. In fact, it’s brought me right back to my formative years. That frightened and angry kid. Frightened because I half believed my mother, and thought maybe I wasn’t good enough. Angry because I knew it wasn’t right. You don’t do that to someone you care about. So I turned to that old comfort: sugary treats. I’m not proud of it. But I can admit the truth.

And the pic threw me. Got too excited after seeing it. Too wound up. Set my head off on that manic streak again. I allowed it, again. In fact, I vow to do it completely different from the manner I was brought up. Acting wasn’t something that taxed you, and if you took time off after performing you were lazy and weak. That’s not true, of course. And it drove me to many unnecessary illnesses while growing up. Now, it’s an automatic down for several days. It’s an automatic assumption I’ve caught something and need to fill up on vitamins, juice, and hearty food. And the manic thoughts…let them come. They vanish, eventually. Fade back into the half-dreams I console myself with as I fall asleep. But they are not wrong, and I am not wrong for having them. Nor am I wrong for being so wound up after performing that I can’t sleep. Many performers go through that.

I feel bad for my parents, on some levels. They were small, provincial. Their worlds were tiny. My understanding of that brings compassion: they didn’t know any better. I recognize they did the best they could with the day to day. Still angry over the outcome, though. Won’t make any bones about that.

This is all so new. Feeling good about me, and what I’m doing. Taking care of myself while feeling good about all of it. Reaching new levels of understanding. Feeling like I’m letting go of some stuff. Does the past matter now? It gives me a certain perspective. And that perspective colors everything I do. So, yes. But also no. My mother’s doubts, her lack of support and self-centeredness…that’s melting into the background.

I’m not afraid to look in the mirror these days. I see ME. Still beautiful, still vital, always talented.

That kind of talk would have meant a sharp reprimand when I was a kid. Vain! Don’t be vain! There’s always someone better than you, more talented than you, funnier than you. You’ve nothing to be vain about!

But a nod to vanity isn’t always a bad thing, either.

Triple F

I found it hard, as a child, to reconcile the memories voiced by my mother’s family with the truth. After all, what is a four year old to think, listening to her elders talk bout ‘gettin’ whooped’ while laughing heartily? I imagined a Dennis the Menace scenario. Something non-threatening and, ultimately, funny. Not a one of my aunts or uncles ever seemed to be angry over their past. ‘Whoopins’ were what you got. With a belt. Sometimes until you bled. But ha, ha, we all laughed about it in the end so it’s okay.

My dad, too, had stories. Stories in which he was always alone. Stories in which his parents grieved (and grieved and grieved) so much over the death of their first born that they seemed to forget they had another son.

And other hints. Frowning brows and dark looks now and then. A sharp tongued remark, quickly retracted. A tear that never fell from an eye.

I am a second gen product of abusive families.

Understanding – full understanding, the kind you only get with age and experience – hit me the other day. This is why my mother never doled out punishment when we were very little. She was too afraid she’d follow in the footsteps of her parents, and really smack us around.

My mother was an abused child.

And my father, a neglected child.

No wonder I am what I am.

I’ve often thought about my parents. How they got together. I know the story – a teacher in high school set them up on a date. What I never got was the why.

My father was very much into physical appearances. Comments on my appearance were usually limited to the ‘you’re a workhorse, honey, not a racehorse’ range. I was told I was beautiful only as a consolation, when I felt ugly and unloved. ‘Ah, honey! You’re beautiful just the way you are’ – which felt like a consolation and a lie. I was never freely told I was beautiful or even pretty. And I figured he had to say it; parents always have to say it, don’t they? Even if their kid is the butt-ugliest person on the planet.

At the time of their meeting, my mother was a slim and young size 12. My father was an extremely huge 350 pound linebacker for the school football team.

My mother claimed she saw beyond my dad’s weight. Saw he was a good person, a good man, and that’s who she fell in love with.

But there was another man in her life. A sailor. I’ve one black and white photograph of the two of them together. He went off to war. Mom never talked about him, other than saying she dated him.

I wonder now if Mom was just looking for a way out. Someone – anyone – to help her leave the house.

And I’m not saying my mother didn’t love my father. Just that the initial reason she got together with him might not be as noble as she would have me believe.

As for my dad…Mom was his first and only love. Again, not surprising when you take into account his past. He was starved for attention. First person to give him even a little bit of time and energy, and he asks her to marry him.

Never did get a straight answer on the pre-marital sex issue. Mom said no, they never did it, and Dad said yes, the were at it like rabbits.

I used to think my parents’ story was this great romance. Now…it’s just grey and bleak, like the weather hanging outside my window.

Bullshit ordinary things I need to keep track of: Tired all day yesterday, ’til I finally broke down and had some more coffee. Left 10 hours open to sleep, so naturally I was up after 8. Doing okay but not great with smoking. Getting down on the floor to do abdominal exercises these days. Sucks big time. Still not writing anything but these morning blatherings. Frustrated. Bored a lot. Feel very out of step with the world.

Everything’s weird. I’m weird. That’s the real problem: me. I’ve got that un-tethered feeling going on. Free floating fear. The dreaded triple F threat.

What have I got to lose?


The weekend was tough. Lots of sleep, lots of not being able to breathe through my nose, lots of feeling almost better so I squirmed and got antsy in between my naps.

Doesn’t help my anxiety keeps ramping up. Immigration, no word from this place or that, tumbleweeds rolling through my email and private life – the list goes on and on. Doing my best to keep myself from freaking out. Went back to a Downton Abbey run, because I find it soothing. It’s that or films where everyone dies, and I’m trying to keep positive, so Downton Abbey it is. It helps, a little. Gets me through long afternoons when I got nothin’ to do. Talked with my brother; he’s assured me that no matter what happens the world won’t end. I’m not so sure about that, but I guess he’s right that there’s no bleeding reason to worry about it. If it happens, it happens. Expending energy and thought on future horrors doesn’t do me any good. I can’t solve anything. Can’t do anything to change it. I’m just caught up in the machinery, hooked on a cog that’s spinning around, so I spin with it.

I hate waiting.

Saturday found me just too ill and too bummed to get the script out to anybody. Every time I looked at my list I lost my confidence. No one cares, no one will do it, no one will bother. Very negative (thus, the Downton Abbey). By Sunday my mind hand’t changed much, but I felt a little stronger and was able to work through it. Pick a place from my list, prep it, send it out. Hit that damn button, woman. SEND. The new theatre had an automated response to my email, saying they received the script. Hey! That’s one up from the rest; at least I know my new email works because the message came through.

Was gonna pull back on my smoking today and head out for needed blood tests. Then I saw 45’s face, no messages from my friends, and my will kind of petered out. Just don’t know why I should keep trying some days. Seems like nothing I do makes a difference. So I lit up one, which has led to another, and now I’m just bleeding smoking. Fuck it. Tell me again how my activity is so horrible when we’ve blown up 2000 atomic bombs on this planet. Tell me again how the plastic in our food, the additives, the chemicals in our air and water don’t matter, but it’s my smoking that will kill me.

Fucking liars.

Woke up hating my sister. I always figure I’ve dreamt about her when I wake up like that. Some nightmare, or just a revival of some memory that really was a nightmare for me. Takes a lot of daylight to conquer those nighttime horrors. To let go of the desire to skin her alive. My mind is not inventive with torture ideas, but it is very cruel. I want her to hurt. I want her alive so she can continue to feel pain. It is the basest, cruelest part of me screaming out – and it is also the part of me that is in the most pain. I recognize that. So I did a little chorus of ‘Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead’ – the song I plan to sing when I receive news that my sister is, finally, dead – and pretended she’d already bit the dust. Had a little spark of pure joy at the thought. I know that’s very horrible of me. My own judgement condemns me: I am bad for feeling that way. But if I am to make sense of things, if I am to overcome this base ugliness that sits so constantly in the pit of my stomach, I must confess to all. A part of me looked forward to my mother’s death. Felt very guilty over that for a long, long time. Likewise, a part of me looks forward to my sister’s death. In this, I feel no guilt. She has always been guilty, always been horrible, always been the worst of everything a human being can be. I understand – at least a little bit – that her reaction stems from the same place mine does: my mother’s narcissism. Once in a while I get flashes of understanding from my sister’s viewpoint. I see things through her eyes: the favoritism our mother exhibited, the verbal bashing. I wonder if my sister suffered the kind of neglect and abuse I went through. My mind tells me it’s probable. More than probable. And I begin to see how she may have fixated on me as someone to hate, someone to be jealous of, someone to continually rip down, use and abuse, as a reaction to her own pain. I see all of that in her, because I see all of it in me.

Understanding does not bring forgiveness, though. I’ve never seen her try to change. Perhaps that’s sad; in fact, I feel it so, at this moment. She’ll never get it. She can’t; it’s beyond her way of thinking. At best, I pity her. At worst, I want her suffering. I suppose that’s a step up from only wanting her dead or in pain.

Not a very big step up, though.

Been sketching out scenes for new scripts. Forget actual writing; I can’t call it that. I won’t allow myself to fall into that trance. Too much to do. But I’m allowing little bits to come out, scene roughs. I figure if I do what I did last time, I can take all my little bits and mush them into something when I get another break. Not sure what’s going to take shape yet. I’m not restricting myself. Last time, I wrote specifically for the local group – small cast, small budget, small scenes. I’ve taken those blinders off. Not worrying about HOW something might be done. Here it is; you figure it out.

After all, what have I got to lose?

Authoress Theatricus


Four days, non-stop (other than my brother yelling at me to pause for silly things like meals and sleep). The script is finished and I am thrilled. Thrilled to be done, thrilled to have finished at all, thrilled to hope there may be some real funny jokes in the script…thrilled. Did a little victory song and dance yesterday after I wrote the last ‘curtain down’. The world of spell check and formatting comes later, but at the moment, the bulk of the work is done.

Now what the hell do I do?

That’s a joke, of course. I’ve got four days of piled up stuff to do. More, if I care to be honest about how lazy I’ve become. But I’ve been walking around with “that burnt out stare” (according to my bro) that I get after an intensive writing spree. Watch one of the movies you recorded! Don’t you dare turn your computer back on! I had to get up a wee bit early so I didn’t catch hell just blogging this morning.

My bro even topped up the card we use online. He handed it to me yesterday afternoon with a slip of paper. “See? Over a hundred euro all ready. You’ve got fifty for games.” I never spend that much on games, I scoffed. “I know. Break the habit and spend it. Just take a few days from your writing.” – Now, that’s the act of a desperate man!

I like writing the way I do. It’s become something of a ritual with me. When I finally fall into that groove, I don’t want anything to stop me. Not my brother, nor tv, meals, sleep, or any other interruption. I really should have a cage to go sit in. A dark cage with just my desk and computer sitting in it and a plaque on the front saying:

Authoress Theatricus: a rare species of female writer. The Authoress Theatricus enjoys solitude, and working under the cover of darkness. Although she may look warm and fuzzy, the Authoress is extremely dangerous. Do not approach the cage; do not hit the bars of the cage to catch the Authoress’ attention. This animal is known to attack swiftly and violently without provocation.


Right now I need the zookeeper to hose down my cage. Part of that ‘no interruptions’ stuff includes not showering or even changing my underwear. I don’t want to wash the story off my back! Sounds silly, I know, but I have this strange feeling that when I write, I sweat out the story. That sweat becomes part of the story, part of the setting, and when I’m really in the groove I don’t want anything to throw me.

Including my own stink, or lack thereof.

This morning I’ll get the sweat and oils burned off my body in a chlorine pool (don’t gross out; I’ll shower before jumping in). I might just float on my back, grinning, the whole time. I did it. It’s done. I still feel all giddy thinking those thoughts.

My characters threw me curves right up to the curtain close. My brain fished out a divorce horror story from long ago, and I threw echoes of it into the script via the eldest son and his wife. I had this foggy idea of how the play was supposed to end, but no real idea how to get myself there. But, trust to my subconscious! Even when I don’t listen to myself, it does. It heard and remembered my words about using the script to heal my family in a manner I’m unable to do in real life. And this came out:

I know, Mom. But that’s not a life. And I want a life! It would sure be a lot easier to go and get one if I felt you supported me.

That stopped me and made me think. Brought a tear to my eye, too. From there, the rest fell into place: the denials, the jokes, the confessions – everything.  The real parts of my life are utterly real in this thing. Almost too real, in some aspects. But as my fingers beat down closer and closer to the word count I was shooting for, I wrote what never happened in real life: a change in behavior. A healing, a coming together in support of each other like my family was never capable of.

As the last lines were written and the final running gag punchline typed in, I felt a release. An acceptance. The buzz of irritation and anger I felt around the word ‘family’ melted away.

I didn’t look for this. I didn’t expect it. But I’ve healed myself, at least a little bit. The understanding I needed as a writer to create these characters, with all their foibles and irritating behaviors, got welded into my mind. I wrote what I thought was behind it all: my mother’s narcissism, my father’s bellowing, my brother’s drinking and cheating, my sister’s shallow callousness. The characters were called out, brought up short, and given a good slap in the face metaphorically to wake them up. And I find, today, in my heart, more understanding and forgiveness for my family than I’ve felt in many years.

With the final curtain down stage direction written, the heavy fog surrounding Rotterdam lifted. Quite literally; I opened the curtains to weak sunshine, which grew and strengthened into the nicest day we’ve had since I fell into this trance. Can’t help but feel that’s a sign, or at least a reflection of this brilliantly glowing light inside me.

I done good.

Today, I pick up my old life. The one before the time portal opened and I fell down the rabbit’s hole. It feels strange to face a day of swimming and…and nothing. No plans to write, no need to dream up any more dialogue. I should turn my brain to Dutch again. Get back to the gym later this week for exercise.

Time to draw the curtain down around the cage; this exhibit’s closed for the time being.

Catching Ghosts


Act 2 is done.

I gotta say, it’s great working on a script. You get to the end of the act and you type ‘curtain down’. Boom. End. Finito. Real closure. I took the time to read what I’ve got so far. Found plenty of typos, and I’m sure I’ve got some stage direction errors to work out, but I was well pleased to find my stop and start writing style didn’t show in the reading: it flowed, flowed well, and made me laugh. I’ve also found it dead easy to hit the mark on suggested word count; this morning it stands at just over 12,000 words. My quick read through revealed something else to me, too. I saw where lines could be cut to make time and where lines could be inserted to stretch time. Always before, a story was a story to me – couldn’t tell it any other way but the way I laid it out. Not so for the script. It’s alive. The setting and characters have achieved self awareness, and know what their jobs are: entertain, be funny, and underneath it all talk about the art of communication. Earlier, the characters ran away with the narrative, pulling some unexpected stunts that helped show me who they really are. Now, they are cooperative, willing to take back long rants in order to keep to tale we’ve all agreed we’re telling. Characters I imagined as flat and unsympathetic have shown me other sides, fleshing themselves out and making me like them despite my preset conceptions about them. No one is ‘the bad guy’. No one is without a moral compass or a sense of compassion. Even the oldest son’s wife, who I designed to be a bitch and say the nastiest things my memory holds, has shown another side to herself.

It’s a revelation. While I think I’d like, someday, to write an archetypal script with strict adherence to one main characteristic per character, it’s not today and it’s not this script. No. This script has shown me – me, personally – that if I write deep enough I can find understanding and empathy for anyone. Even my family, because that’s what I began with. They’re skewed, naturally. I’ve turned the mother into a woman who repeatedly talks about babies. That is a trait my mother held; she loved babies (not so much children). But I’ve blown it out of the water for the sake of humor, taken comments that I remember a sting in and made them laughable. Good therapy. The father is much as my father was: irascible, roaring goddamns at this and that every other minute, and as funny as I remember my dad could be. The oldest son is as wishy-washy as my oldest brother is, right down to looking at the mother helplessly anytime there’s a hint of housework to be done. Not sure what I’ll end up doing with the daughter. I think she’s still got a surprise in store for me; I can feel her highjacking her storyline and wrenching it into another direction. The youngest son, the depressed one, has been as fun to write as I imagined him. Yes, he’s depressed. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t laugh and joke once in a while. After all, everyone is quick to point out my own depression even when I’m cracking wise, and since he’s my dark side he does that, too.

I AM stuck on the poem for the father. That’s the youngest son’s gift. For narrative’s sake, I just breezed past it. Right now there’s just the stage direction ‘reads poem’. The poem might bother me more than the rest of the script. I don’t want it to be shit. And I need it to be original. So I’m waiting on myself to write it. If I really pull a blank I can use an older piece of work, but I’m hoping to get into the proper frame of mind and churn out a stanza I can use.

That may end up being the last piece of the puzzle, and a tough one to do.

Since the tumbleweeds of silence continue to roll through my inbox and I’ve heard nadda from the theatre group, I think I’ll end up printing a copy of my rough draft and using some dolls to do the walk through. At least it’ll be visual for me. Pretty sure I’ve misplaced a few people, or not said who’s sitting, standing, or doing whatever while the scene plays out. Using visual aids will help me quickly see what I’ve done wrong. And since I really don’t know if I can trust the group to even be interested in what I’m doing, I want to make it as bullet-proof as possible before sending it out into the world.

Fly, my pretty!

Naturally, I’m having a hard time reigning my thoughts in. Immediately my brain envisions rave reviews and interest in more work. And you know, considering the piles of rejections I’ve actually experienced, in some ways it’s wonderful of my head to immediately imagine the absolute best reaction from the world. It tells me I believe in myself to some extent. The ghost of my mother (always present in a corner of my brain, no matter how often I evict her) whispers I should expect to hear no thanks, we’re not interested, better luck in the future, and all that pat language that rejection comes wrapped up in. We are at odds, the ghost of my mother and I. Always have been. So I fly and she tugs on my string. I am not happy being caught and caged, and she is not happy fighting me to stay put.

At least on paper I can resolve it. Put it to rest with a laugh and a little tug at your heartstrings. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. I’m very, very grateful for that.

Outside my window, a wall of white sits waiting, expectant, like a cat sitting before a mouse hole. Ghosts float by.

Time to capture a few on paper.