I feel hungry.
Not in my stomach, and not for food. It’s centered around my solar plexus, and feels somewhat like a black hole – like it’s sucking all the sunshine and fresh air and vibes into me. Never quite know what to do to fill it up. So, here I am, writing it out.
Got down to the store for that extra sweatshirt. Whoohoo. Actually made it before all the shirts in my size were sold out. Stopped by Etos and picked up talc powder and contact lenses. Even popped an extra four euro for eye drops so my eyes don’t dry out.
Did not go to the gym, but I did take a good walk in the sunshine later on. It feels good to walk out there. Good to have my orthopedics on again – it’s cool enough to wear them. Good to use long strides, swing my arms, look up at the blue sky and clouds, smile. Maybe I’ll head up to the lake today.
My rheumatologist suggested I try lowering my methotrexate. That’s the one drug I really don’t enjoy taking. Need it, definitely. But that’s the one that raises the risk of various cancers thru the roof. It’s the one that dampens my immune system so I get sick at the drop of a hat. My RA seems fine, at least so far. It’s cumulative, so I might not feel the effects yet. But my system knows! That damned pustular psoriasis is back in spades. On my hands, on my feet. Really need to make that appointment. It’s ugly, itchy, and painful. Plus I look like a damned leper.
I’m flipping my agenda around. Been working on it for months now, anticipating later nights with the theatre group as well as being so keyed up after rehearsals and performances that I won’t go down for hours. Last night I cracked the lights out threshold: I stayed up later than my bro. Trying to get used to not feeling guilty for being up later, walking around in a dark house, reading ’til 1 am. If I can break that cycle now, before things really wind up, I’ll be in much better shape come April when we begin performing. Still…woke up at 8 am today. Must get used to sleeping in! That’s the whole point of this exercise.
Been having headaches. Every day. I think it’s just nasal congestion. I think. Could also be that my eyes have just reached that point where I really need glasses. Been using my glasses around the house more, but I can’t use them when I read or do close work. So it’s on and off, off and on. I don’t think that’s doing me any good if the problems stems from eye strain. I’m also painfully aware of how much I’ve been smoking, and know that I could just be doing it to myself. So I haven’t said anything to anyone, and just pop some paracetamol. Most of the time I don’t even feel it unless I cough or blow my nose – which is what makes me think that it’s really a congestion thing. *sigh* I’ll watch it. If it’s congestion, it should get better after autumn.
Or, I could try quitting smoking. …Why do I find that a depressing thought?
Haven’t even thought about writing anything for me. I need to keep focused on the tasks ahead, and just can’t get lost in some new story. Must say, that’s one of the hardest things I’m doing. It’s unnatural. Keep promising myself I’ll find the time to fall into something and let myself write. But I don’t know when that will be.
And I don’t want to let anyone down. Not my brother, not the theatre group, not myself. That’s tough to juggle. I’ve learned so well to say ‘no’ to myself, but I’ve not yet mastered saying it to others. I’m so tired of getting the short end of the deal. Of giving more than I want of myself in order to make things happen. I know my drivers in this. I know why I’m compelled to do what I do.
Funny but probably valid thought: I should begin ‘no’ practice. Stand in front of a mirror and repeat ‘no’ for three minutes every day. Get used to saying it. Say it angrily, funnily, sadly, thoughtfully… As many ways as I can come up with, over and over. Why not? I rehearse so much in my head before I come to it, why not this? Surely it would help me. The word would come faster from my lips, be easier to breathe through, become less anxious than it is now. Side note: the Dutch ‘nee’ is easier to use than the English. I say ‘nee’ all the bleeding time.
…Sunshine outside. I might be able to finally get that playwright pic I want for LinkedIn; there may finally be enough light in the house. Hm. That means more make-up play. Maybe not a bad idea. I do have to master a few things for the meeting.
Well, what do you know? That hungry feeling is gone, at least for now. Guess I just felt a need to check in with myself. Remember that one!
Feeling hungry? Talk to yourself. Listen to yourself. Comfort yourself. Lay everything out in a row and look at it dispassionately.
Feed your soul.