6 p.m. I opened the curtains in the living room for the first time since closing them that same morning. ‘So this is what I’ve been shutting out all day,’ I said as I looked at a dense wall of fog outside. It was as if the weather had picked up on my mood and decided to be gloomy and depressed in allegiance to my suffering.
Kept up the pretense of going to the gym until early afternoon. Then I caved. Honestly, I was farting so much and so loudly I was afraid to go anywhere in public because I just couldn’t control it. And like my self esteem needs to let a loud one rip somewhere! Yeah. Then I’d be known as ‘that old fart lady’ forevermore…
Have an appointment to take care of my orthopedics. Did not take the challenge upon myself to call them; they called me for a customer satisfaction check. And, of course, to try and sell me on another pair of shoes. I don’t want another pair of shoes from them. I want the shoes I have from them to work well. And I’m not a shoe nut. The two pair I have will probably last five years at least. When I’m home (and I’m home a lot), I’m in socks only. Ah, yes. Another opportunity to practice saying ‘no’. Better get used to it. The Universe will keep throwing that one at me until I become an old hand at it.
Reluctant to admit I once again woke up thinking about my family. Was running all the times they forgot about me and left me out. Not just as a kid, either. As an adult. It’s a very sore point for me. Ach, I shoulda just left when they did that. Walked out and left them to it. But I kept feeling like it was my fault, like I had to keep putting myself out there. I wanted them to want me there. I wanted to be included, be part of the group, have fun with them. Dr T suggested to me that my perceptions might be off, that maybe I’m taking things the wrong way because of this filter I’ve got. Maybe. Maybe they didn’t laugh as derisively at me as I remember, but I remember it as cruel and cold. And it isn’t one time I’m talking about. It’s several. Often. Almost every time the family gathered together.
I don’t know that I’ll ever feel like I have anything to offer anyone. The very idea that someone might find me attractive, want to date or even (ha HA!) marry me is overwhelmingly hilarious. Oh, I can be fun. Understanding. A good friend once in a while. But…I’ve too much rejection in my history to ever expect anything else. I come at people knowing they will be in my life for only a small portion of time. I try to enjoy their company while they’re there. But I know circumstances will change, or they will move on, or something else will happen, and in a year or a month I won’t hear from them, won’t see them, won’t be close to them anymore. I’m not rich. I’m not the prettiest nor the smartest. I’m not the best at anything, and downright lousy at some things. And I’ve got a lot of baggage. So…no. I don’t know why anyone would stick around in my life.
My bro, of course, is the one exception to that. He’s so much a part of my life it feels like he’s a phantom limb, or another brain. That worries me, too. What happens if…well, something happens? I’m trying to build a support network. Other people in my life I can talk to, spend time with, etc. It isn’t easy. Adult friendship is like the tide: sometimes it’s at a high point and sometimes a low point. It comes and goes. Maybe that’s us second guessing ourselves, feeling embarrassed over how vulnerable we allowed ourselves to become. We share intensely, then pull back in awkwardness, unsure of what to do next. Trying lately to be a bit more focused on others when I’m with them. Hear them; don’t think about what you might want to say. Question them; everyone wants to talk about themselves. Be warm, be kind, be thoughtful. I still lack a LOT of social graces, but if I can at least come from a place of gentle kindness I can’t go too wrong.
…Six hours sleep. Again. I’m really beginning to hate 5 a.m….
Things to note: I’m sitting up straighter. Really got into the habit of hunching over. I find myself automatically sitting up, stretching out my back. Not crying. Still angry, but not crying. Trying to do my best with food. It seems I’m either ravenously hungry or couldn’t touch a bite; there’s never anything in between. Making sure to eat a small something a couple of times a day, like it or not. Cutting back on caffeine. And suffering the headaches. But any stomach problem will benefit from cutting back on caffeine.
Hope to get out for some fresh air today. No promises; I was pretty gung-ho yesterday before the gas kicked in. Would like to do some reading today, too. I find Dutch a bit more difficult right now. Slowing down to absorb the words is a real challenge, and I don’t feel like challenging myself even more. Just want to sleep. Rest. Every time I try, though, my body heats up or my head starts to whirl around in a circular thought pattern.
Can’t stick to any agenda, so out the window with all of them. Down to the basics: getting past this minute, then the next, and so on. I don’t like it. At all. I want to fly. This…this is dragging my ass across wet grass. I’m too tired just managing to do anything else.
And I feel like I’m wasting my time…