I feel that awkwardness that can occur when seeing an old friend whom you haven’t seen for years. Sure, you’re excited and even looking forward to it. But those first few moments can be difficult. So much to say, but unsure how to begin.
Have been enjoying some down time. Just sitting on my ass, watching tv and playing games. First it was a defense against the heat. Then it was just enjoyable. My head stays on topic (unless my brother comes in and chatters away to me for an entire episode of telly, which he’s been doing quite often). It’s thoroughly enjoyable to have one thing in my head at a time.
Saw Dr. T yesterday. I wonder if he’s tested me a couple of times. Yesterday (again) he was almost 15 minutes late for our appointment. I just sat quietly, reading my book. Quite a difference from the rage fueled sharp retorts I gave him last time he was late. Dr T spent a whopping 15 minutes with me. I really don’t know how long our appointments are supposed to last. I don’t know if he’s clocking me in at a half hour and claiming mega money from the system but cheating me of time. Could be. Right now the treatment he’s got me on is working, so I won’t complain. Besides, who wants to spend even more time in a shrink’s office? Not me. We’re keeping my meds at the same dosage. Yeah, it’s really small amounts. What can I say? I’m super sensitive to meds. Feel it’s because I haven’t clogged up my system with a bunch of non-toxic fillers or crap. My night-time seroquel still knocks me out. Just can’t get over how well I sleep now. As I said to Dr T yesterday: I no longer feel like my bed is my enemy. I thanked him for offering me a distraction. The 8th was my sister’s birthday and due to the bad blood between us it’s often a date I can’t stop thinking about her or the unjust way she’s treated me. This year I was focused on not forgetting my appointment with Dr T, and the 8th came and went without me giving my sister one thought. Naturally, he asked me about her. I told him the basics: I can’t forgive her or my older brother, tho I know they both suffered in their own ways at the hands of my mother. I told him about her narcissism, how the moment I said anything she didn’t like she shouted out to everyone I was a liar, a whore, a drug addict, and a thief. No specifics. No ‘she did this when my father died’ or ‘she said that to my entire family’. Just the narcissism, and my decision not to have any contact with them because it wasn’t good for me. He clacked away on his computer, entering his notes. I have a feeling we’ll be exploring that area a bit more in future.
Picked up my cleaned back drop curtain for videos. Today I’m planning on some furniture moving and house cleaning. Get everything set and start filming tomorrow. That should be fun – playing with make-up. Hopefully my bro will go to the comic shop and I’ll have most of the day to myself. That would be ideal.
We’ve had a bit of rain. Not enough – that’s for sure. But yesterday soft rain came in with darkened clouds. Unlike in some parts of Europe, the rain here fell gently and slowly. Plenty of time for the ground to soak it up. I literally watched the grass grow in the playing field out back. It was brown, brown, brown when I got up but by 3 in the afternoon it was almost all green.
I’m loving not feeling the push to get things done. It bugged me for a while, but now I’m just into it. No, I don’t really want to get my ass over to the gym. No, I really don’t care if the dishes are piling up again. Don’t care about the dust bunnies or the laundry (as long as I have clean underwear). I am on holiday from myself.
My summer vacation is wonky. Since I went to summer school, I was in school when others were off. Now I’ve one week to be ‘off’ with everyone else. Then they’ll go back to school and I’ll have off ’til late in September. So…I guess I want this one week of ‘real’ summer vacation. The vids don’t really count in my mind as work because I find them too much fun. But the rest of it -! I’d like to get up to the lake and walk barefoot in the sand while the weather is still nice. I’d like to scope out some summer sales set up to entice shoppers. I’d like to just fuck around for week and remind myself it’s summer holiday. Be a kid, totally.
So I’m gonna take that week. I’m gonna let go of anything I think I have to do. The world won’t fall apart if I don’t do dishes for a week. We’ll get by. If this cooler weather holds, I just want out. Out of the house, go to different places, enjoy the day. I should scout around for some fests. Something my bro and I could both go to and have some fun. He’s been holed up in his room working on his computers for weeks now.
Find myself liking myself. I like the way my hair hangs around my face. I like the way I feel: no pain, just that lazy relaxation that makes me think I’m being very cat-like. I like my home, my room, the city. I like what I’m doing, what I’m reading, what I’m watching, what I’m eating.
I like my life these days. For that, I’m very thankful. Can’t help but feel thankfulness on the heels of this relaxed semi-bliss state.
I’ll end this as all postcards from holiday spots are ended. With that time worn but true saying:
Wish you were here.