Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
This is not a mindset that’s natural to me. I have to work at it. I don’t like it very much and think it rather barbaric, but I’ve found thru time that it’s sometimes necessary to protect myself.
To wit: an in-depth search resulted in finding the website of the theatre group in Den Haag. You know – the one headed up by that idea stealing jerk I need to keep an eye on. I surfed around their site, checking out what they had and didn’t have. Also signed up for their newsletter (so far, have received nothing in my inbox). And I haven’t heard from the jerk himself about the synopses for his two one-acts our group performed in 2016.
They ponied up for a dot com domain. That’s one score up. They have a blog attached to their site, talking up what they do. That’s two. All in all, their marketing is stronger than ours – tho they failed miserably on SEO coding. I could only find their site by googling their name specifically. Personally I find their site ‘static’ – lots of white, stark pages with a few pix or words on them. I’ve already set up slide shows and use more color on our pages. But I’m a bit…what’s the phrase? On edge? Irritated?…that they’re so far advanced in their marketing set-up. Especially when you weigh out who they have and how long they’ve been at it compared to us. I mean…they were the break-away group.
So I’m keeping an eye on them. Both to watch the situation and to network. And until D proves himself a friend and not an enemy, I’m adhering to the above statement.
Decision: Must head back to MS Mode and buy one more pair of pants in grey. That’s what I want for the production. I’ll worry about shirts later, knowing I can go just about anywhere and pick up cheap tops for €3 each. Will probably do so tomorrow.
Today I’m just chilling. My bro called me out on my pacing and worry. There’s nothing you can do, so don’t let it eat you up. He’s right. I need serious attitude adjustment.
*sigh* And last night, even tho I stayed up later watching tv, I had to reach for a book to read something before closing my eyes. It’s automatic now, like brushing my teeth. Part of my night-time wind-down. Handy to my bed, I have a small shelf with some books. The Odyssey in English – which I tried to read and just couldn’t. An Agatha Christie, Bridgette Jones’ Diary, and Kruistocht in Spikerbroek (all in Dutch). Picked up the Kruistocht book and just began reading. I bought it last year, but it was too much for me. Just breezed thru it, catching phrases and passages I know I didn’t fully understand the first time. Good. It’s the first in a series, so if I pick up the story I can find the rest at the library. And it’s a reading level up.
Haven’t heard back from the director’s girlfriend on the graphics. No idea what’s going on with that.
Will prep up a letter to the board today. I need several questions answered about past productions, and Monday marks the return to ‘normal’ hours in NL. Time to start sending out enquiries and asking for answers. Also need to start crowing about the newsletter and get a few more subscribers than just myself.
My bro is planning on heading out tonight to a local jam session. I really don’t want to go, especially after his description of the last session. So I’m thinking ahead about what I’ll watch. Need something to distract me, and keep me relaxed in my chair.
Back down to minute by minute. Organize my life around the clock. Eat at these times. Take your pills at these times. Distract. Keep relaxing your shoulders. Keep breathing.
Wish I could just trust the situation, but I can’t. I won’t discount my instincts on this. Sometimes I think I have a sign around my neck, or something written on my forehead that says: Sucker. I just seem to attract certain types of people around me. People who use me in one manner or another. I’m fully aware of this, and try to stay on high alert. Unfortunately, that causes stress. But so does getting taken advantage of, something I’m intimately experienced with. So…I try to balance it. Watch it, keep everything in mind, and move forward as best as possible. I also rely on the advice of the only person I do trust: my brother. And yes, sometimes I even question his motives – tho I know any hidden agendas are not in place to hurt me, they’re just a reaction to his triggers. Much easier to deal with than those snakes who’d sell you down the river for a piece of silver.
Today it’s all me. Nails, facial masque, maybe even deep hair conditioning. Yesterday I cleaned out my closet, ruthlessly throwing out the items I never wear and making room for my new purchases. Thinking about stepping out fully made up. Clothes, hair, make-up. See what happens. I haven’t done that in years. Don’t know when or where, just think it might be happening sometime soon. After all, I should test the durability of the make-up, shouldn’t I? That means wearing it around for a while. I always find it interesting to watch how other people treat me. See me. And mirror-wise (double entendre meant), I find it interesting to see how I treat myself and see myself when I do that.
…Let’s not kid ourselves. I know when it will happen – the first theatre group meeting. They’ve seen the scruffy me, the natural me, the me running around with awkward and ugly looks. I think it’s time they see the flip side.
Time to dazzle ’em with the peacock.