Girls’ Night. I find it much easier to be a girl when my brother isn’t around. That’s a truth. And last night, I wallowed.
Olive oil on my hair to condition it, moisturizing masque on my face, hot shower ready to clean everything off, and nail paraphernalia out and ready for use. I am clean, my hair is far less frizzy, my face is smooth and soft, and my nails are trimmed and brightly shining. I felt good doing all that for myself. I feel good with the results.
Heard about the long-awaited auditions. The director said he’ll be using this next week’s holiday time to choose text and set a date. I told him about my film co-star and asked for some lead time for her; she’ll need it if she’s going to make auditions. Cool. We’re on the same page. And I got a message out to my film posse, letting them know auditions will be called in a few weeks and I’d love to have them involved somehow or at least come to the production. Yea! Good on me for reaching out, even tho I know they’re all busy with their internships. Usually I just discount that type of stuff, figuring they’re too busy anyway so why ask. That’s a mistake; let people decide for themselves if they’re too busy or not. And the film director wants to read the script (I told him this was the the story I’d mentioned months back), so I’m hoping that my life will unfold gently in this order: theatre production, film brain storming, film work, marketing, larger theatre productions, screenings, awards. One can hope, right?
I am Dutch obsessed. Can’t stop with the language. After taking care of myself last night, I ended up in my chair with the tv on and my homework propped up on my lap. I find myself excited by the work. Made notes, outlined, looked up some words, and sat there pondering the correct perfect tense form of a few new verbs. The film I had on ended and I noticed it was almost 10 p.m., my traditional get ready for bed and go read before sleep time. Really? Off to feed my brain more Dutch via Roald Dahl. That voice that reads aloud in my head is picking up speed, discovering the natural phrase breaks. I am stumbling less and reading faster. Gobbling up the words.
Took yesterday off from the gym. Still in build up phase, and that means gentle, gentle, gentle – whether or not I like that approach. Building back strength is a slow and irritating process for me. But I’ve learned – the hard way. Just to remind myself: torn ligaments, torn cartilage in the knees, back injuries, wrist injuries, shoulder injuries. We want none of that.
…*sigh* I honestly don’t know if taking all this on is a good idea. “All this” being the theatre production, the film push, the language, the self care. I’m scared of what it might mean for me. I’ve run on that obsessed mania so many times! Telling myself I’ve got support in my bro (a constant) and my doc. It’s okay to try this. Everyone’s happy that I’m taking better care of myself. Everyone is excited about my script and the production. I just…I don’t want to burn out and let everyone down. Again. I don’t want to overload. It’s a real stressor for me. So I’m trying to let myself feel happy without that restless get up and do something mania. That’s difficult. I said a few days ago I find patience to be passive. I also find happiness to be active. How can people just sit around when they’re excited or happy? How can you, as adults, just drop that and go about your life without any repercussion? I am more child-like. The excitement hangs on me forever. I obsess about it, wind myself up, can’t stop thinking or moving because of it. Usually I just have to burn it out of me one way or the other. Which then leads to my overload and breakdown. Obviously, I’ve tried this before. I know my pattern.
Self-care is the answer. I know that. Valuing myself enough to really understand – fully – that I can do nothing for anyone if I’m not taking care of myself. Part of that is letting go. Accepting help from others. Part of that is saying no. Putting myself first. Two sides of the same coin, really.
Ach! Well, I also said a few days ago that beginnings were difficult. And here I am, right in the muck of it. I now have to look at this coin I hold – my self worth, something I’ve seen for decades as a plug nickel – as titanium. I hate gold, so forget that analogy. It is valuable. I am valuable. My skills, knowledge, and talents are valuable.
See the obvious, woman! This play production could not happen without your skills as a writer. The film group would not have grown so close without you there to be the rallying point on set. It is your warmth that draws people to you, your talent that people seek out. You have evidence of your value all around you. Look up and acknowledge it! See what you can do without even trying.
Trying doesn’t have to upset your apple cart. Trying means being a little more patient with your listening skills. Trying means making sure you’ve got enough time to loll about and do the nothing stuff you find so vital to your head. Trying means getting regular movement, taking your pills, seeing the doctors.
You don’t have to rebuild Rome in a day. Just…wander carefully thru the ruins. Watch your step.
And always, darling girl, respect the altar. You know where it lies and you know what it wants. You know what she wants.
The Goddess within.