How deep it goes

The doc said my new pills might make me sleepy. What he didn’t say was that they were going to give me the first fully rested night of sleep I’ve had in I don’t know how long. So often I go to bed and toss and turn, waking up several times during the night, trying to just lie there and rest. Last night I slept. And slept. Even got up to pee in the middle of the night and fell right back asleep like someone bashed me over the head.

That’s unheard of in my life. Totally.

It is Saturday, and once again I’m amazed at the balls on my brother as he stands in the living room and announces ‘he thinks he’ll go down to the comic shop, since it’s Saturday and there’s not much to do’ while the dust bunny collection sits under the table, every plate in the house is dirty and stacked by the sink, and the garbage and recycling are overflowing. Yeah. Not much to do at all. Why don’t you take a last big shit in the toilet before I don my rubber gloves and go scrub it out?


Got to the gym yesterday. Almost didn’t. I really didn’t want to go. But I asked myself for one hour. One hour of time. I had plenty of time to spare; it was more than possible to get to the gym and watch a full film in the afternoon. It was a good con, and once I got out I stayed out for longer than an hour. Kept it to walking on the treadmill. I’m off my regular routine and playing things extra cautious right now. Just gotta start getting out of the house and moving on a regular basis.

Today’s a whole other ball of wax. I know if I clean the way I want to, I’ll be too pooped to go to the gym. Similarly, if I go to the gym first I won’t have the energy to clean the house the way I want. Decision time.

Doing my best to keep up with headlines without triggering myself. But honestly…I’m getting pissed off. No surprise there, I guess. There’s plenty to be pissed off about, no matter what view you hold. …*sigh* I read an article about a man who’s suing a woman for sexual intimidation. I’d like to just side-step all morality issues surrounding this, and just say I’m FUCKING DISGUSTED by the damned coverage this case is getting. This type of sexual intimidation isn’t the norm. We all know the norm: women get if from men. We get it so much and so often that it’s ignored and downplayed. Oh, ho hum! Another woman claiming sexual harassment from her male superior. Well, she’s a woman. Probably exaggerating the situation. And no doubt she used it to her advantage; all women do, after all. The proliferation of accusations against women in sexual harassment or assault cases – everything from encouraging the abuse to asking for it – is mind blowing. Oh, but turn the tables and watch how much coverage one man gets! This is nothing more than a continued assault on women. Men’s grievances are addressed so much quicker, with so much more attention and, perhaps most importantly, belief in the accuser. I’ve not read nor heard whisper one that this man in question is exaggerating the situation, nor that he encouraged it or used it to his advantage. Not. one.

And while I’m on my feminist soapbox, let me address another tricky issue: transgender. Let me state I don’t care how you want to look. Want to tattoo and pierce your whole body? Okay, if that’s your thing. I might not say it’s beautiful, but go ahead. Want to run around looking frumpy and unkempt? Well, you might get dissed for certain things, but go ahead. I don’t care. Want to dress up in high heels and make-up? It’s bad for you, and I don’t condone that sort of dress-up on a regular basis, but go ahead if that’s your thing. Really don’t care. But I don’t understand why men have to be a certain way and women another. Current studies (finally! goddess! it took a long time) have come out stating that men’s and women’s brains are the same. There is no ‘male’ nor ‘female’ brain, just a brain. All that sexual identity shit comes from our cultures and surroundings. I don’t want to diss the problems transgender people have. I’m absolutely sure they face a lot of discrimination. But changing your outer look doesn’t make you into the opposite sex. This is what’s sticking in my craw: transgender men into women, who now want to be identified as women and take their share of women’s accolades. No! I apologize if I offend people with this, but if you transition into a female at some point you’re not a woman. You haven’t grown up with being a woman, with facing that daily negation. You haven’t gone thru menstrual cramps, you haven’t been dissed for what you think or feel just because your body is shedding its uterus lining. You haven’t been called ‘dried up old hags’ when you age. You haven’t faced unwanted pregnancies, or being told you can’t have children when you’ve been brought up to believe that’s all a woman really is: a mom. These things are NOT part of your reality, but they are part of every woman’s reality. Every woman knows another woman who’s been raped. Every. single. one of us. Most of us know of someone who’s faced an unwanted pregnancy. And a great many of us know someone who’s got the shit kicked out of them by their partner.

Even if I dyed my skin, crimped my hair, and did everything I could to look black, I couldn’t even begin to call myself a person of color. I have NONE of their background experiences to draw on. My opinion is the same with transgenders.

Am I the only person who sees? Am I the only person to raise these questions?

And the fact that most transgenders then dress up with heavy make-up and push up bras does NOTHING to support their cause for me: you are perpetuating this stereotypical view of women. Look at me! I can be more of a woman than women are! THAT’S what it says to me, and that disgusts me. Not your choices, not your sexuality, but the blatant sexism inherent in the way you view women.

Can’t you see how deep it goes?


Broken Levee

C’mon…who didn’t think of this when they saw the headlines? How could you not? Most of the headlines quoted the chorus. Bet I’m not the only one posting the song today.

On the heels of one of the worst natural disasters pampered America has had to deal with, my uncle sent me a link to an article discussing the melting of the arctic permafrost level, with a note saying in HIS opinion, this was being caused by a change in the inner most core of the earth, the magma center – even though he’s not a scientist, and probably (from his comment) hasn’t opened a scientific book since he was in school.

Goddess, save us from idiots!

How did I come from such inbred, backwards-thinking stock?

Took the day off yesterday, as the temp soared above 30 degrees. Watched a rather non-thrilling thriller out of Sweden. Interesting to see Swedish landscapes, but other than that, I couldn’t recommend it. Far too slow. In fact, my attention kept popping in and out of the story – as it did all day long. My brain is cooking up part three in The Terror Trilogy.

In between the master dish being prepped somewhere in the back kitchen of my head, I’ve also been aware (somewhat) of the shit that’s been dished up before my eyes. Caught a line last night about an older woman – ‘She’s held up well’. Held up well? You couldn’t actually spit out that a woman over 40 was still sexy and attractive? “Held up well”! Like we’re a bridge or a building. Gee, those supports have held up pretty well over the years… Ugh.

Can’t seem to finish Perelandra by C.S. Lewis. Can’t get beyond a sentence before I interject (often aloud) ‘Because he’s a man!’. So many male dominated religious overtones I just can’t take it.

And you know what? That shit’s got under my skin, too.

I’ve been writing my trilogy with all female characters taking the forefront. Why not? So many stories are all about men, and have men as central characters. They don’t need to be male characters, it’s just a sign of the culture. But the thought occurred to me that my work will get dissed because I used all female characters. That the idea that I’m representing the effect on ALL humans through using female characters will somehow get twisted into it ONLY affecting women, and that’s not the case. I’m just using women to convey the story.

I’ll bet my bottom dollar some man gets the issue confused.

And then we’ll have to have the discussion, and I’ll get accused of being a this or that lesbian, feminist, and/or left wing radical.

But there’s nothing like telling me no to get me to do it. My determination is ramping up, and right now I kind of regret ever writing a story with a male lead in it. I don’t want to go THAT far. I don’t want to write men out my stories entirely. After all, they still dominate this planet. Can’t really write a story without including them. Oh, they seem to be perfectly able to write stories about themselves without including women. Yes. Yes, indeed. But I flatter myself that I’m a broader thinker than those closed minded individuals. I don’t think any story can truly be told without all sides being presented. Women have to deal with the fallout of men’s actions all the bleeding time. We’ve been doing it since the beginning of time, when they started to blame us for being ‘evil’, ‘weak’, and ‘subservient’.

…One more thing. I am so sick of seeing/reading/hearing stories about women written by men. They never get it right. It’s true; they really don’t understand women. They can write about what they see, what they hear from us – but they don’t understand the inner workings. They don’t understand that continual pressure, that continual diss in every aspect of society.

Sick. of. it.

Oh, I’m angry. I know. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a real issue underneath my rants that SHOULD anger people.

And once that wall breaks, that bit of peer pressure or societal pressure that we’re subjected to every second of our lives…Well, everything just comes pouring out. The built-up resentment. The anger, and the frustration. At least; that’s the way it is for me.

‘Cause, baby…It’s been raining a long time now, and my levee’s broken…

You Bet Your Burqa

This is a woman, with loves and hates, opinions and thoughts. See her.

Been wondering if I have enough hate stirred up to write a post. How silly! Of course I have enough hate stirred up. I’m awake, aren’t I?

Current target: all this ongoing bullshit about burqas and burkinis. Or let me state this a bit clearer: all this ongoing bullshit about what women wear. Because that’s what we’re really talking about, isn’t it? One more chance to weigh in one what’s appropriate for women to wear or not wear.

Get your fucking opinions off my body.

Why aren’t we focusing on the men who rape? The men who hate? The men who bully, who blow shit up, who lie and cheat and threaten? Why are we talking about what a small group of women choose to wear?

Sounds like a fucking attempt to shame us once more.

Let me make myself very clear: in today’s climate, I do not think anyone should be able to fully cover their face up 100% of the time in 100% of public places. No way! But why are we outlawing women’s outfits? Why are we focusing entirely on women? Why?

The Netherlands introduced a law about covering up your face. These days, if you’re asked to show your face, you’ve got to. I’m okay with that. I understand people of devote Muslim faith may have an issue with it – but can’t we accommodate those few? Are you telling me it’s really so much of a pain in the ass to provide female officers who could take the burqa-clad woman in question into a private room so she’d remove her veil? I mean, we do it for strip searches (or should; I know plenty of places in the states where women are regularly assaulted by men under the guise of ‘strip searches’ – it’s illegal, ladies).

If anyone’s created the climate of hate towards the Muslim religion’s poster children (and that’s women in full burqas), it’s the media. Why do I continually see pix of fully clad women? I’m living in one of the most integrated cities in Europe and let me tell you, I don’t even think I’ve seen one. I’m sure there are a few out there, but there sure as fuck aren’t as many as the goddamn media will have you believe.

Once more, it’s all women’s fault. Why not just brand us with a big ‘W’? Make us wear stars on our sleeves. You already treat us like second class citizens. You already cut our pay in comparison to our male counterparts. You already tell us we’re wrong if we choose to stay at home and raise children because modern women work for a living, but we’re equally wrong if we go out and get a career because then we’re neglecting our children. And don’t even get me started on women who don’t reproduce. We’re just taking up space.

I am so right there with Trey and South Park when Butters said women are pissed off, ready to lock all the men away in a basement, and milk them for semen.

You bet your burqa.




No matter how bad it gets, remember someone always has it worse than you.

My ASS. If this were true, it would mean somewhere on the planet there is one person who has it absolutely the worst in the world. Could you point him or her out to me, please? Because I think we ALL need to know what’s “the worst”. To put our lives in perspective. Not some inspirational story about some paraplegic who’s managed to win a dance contest because they control their wheelchair with their teeth, not some dying kid who gives away everything to help other people. Show me the worst. Show me that drudge that’s got it so fucking bad I should shut the fuck up about my own problems.

I reject every goddamned meme out there that subtly and not so subtly tells me I’m not good enough, not worth listening to, not worth caring about.

And fuck you for even SAYING it.

Fuck you for even THINKING it.

Just off a dust off with my bro. Subject? Rape. I simply wanted to point out that now that male rape is being talked about, rape in general has become a whole other thing. It’s so horrible. Rapists need to be punished. Um…women have been saying that for fucking THOUSANDS OF YEARS and we’re still blamed for being raped more than half the fucking time. But oh no! Now MEN are fucking each other and oh, poor little men who get raped it’s such a goddamn tragedy and we should all line up and fucking cry for them.

For once, I was the one staying calm. I was only pointing out the change that’s come with the acknowledgement of male rape. He’s the one that went ballistic, cutting me off mid sentence.

Yeah, I’ve wondered before if my bro’s been raped.

And while rape is rape and a horrible crime no matter WHO it’s committed against, you’ve got to admit that the entire subject is being taken in a different light now. I’m not saying men weren’t raped thru the ages; I’m sure they were. As I’ve pointed out before, some men can’t contain their penises, and quite often rape is more about power than sex anyway. But please! Why is the topic NOW getting so much attention just because men are admitting to being raped? Because they’re men? It’s the only fucking difference I see.

Yet I’m to blame for bringing this all back to a men vs women argument.

But isn’t that what it IS?

Same with body shaming. I’m not happy to know that young men are being body shamed and encouraged to take supplements, steroids, and generally act counter to their good health. But why such a ruckus about body shaming now? Again, this is an argument women have been fighting for generations, and those that have had the courage to stand up against it have been called dykes, bitches, and worst of all (gasp!) feminists. Yet one fat man stands up and says oh boo-hoo, I’m being body shamed and the fucking media and social thought gets turned on their heads. Oh, this is so awful. Oh, we MUST do something about it right now.

Again, show me how this ISN’T a men vs women issue and I’ll back the fuck off.

The more I get this shit in my face, the more radical my thought processes become. I’m more than half way to voting every man’s dick should cut off right now.

*sigh* Let’s just leave that old wound alone…

Pleased enough to say my appointment went well yesterday. Then again, I worked hard for it. I cleaned myself up, donned better clothes, pulled my hair back off my face, and practiced some Dutch before going. Nothing about my last visit was hinted at. My concerns were taken seriously, and I had blood and urine tests done. Should get the results in a few days.

Got another doctor appointment today, for my psoriasis. Far less frightening.

Really wishing I didn’t feel so un-balanced at the mo. Guess who’s gonna scramble a bit to recover her calm exterior? I just don’t have a good idea on how to do that…

This fundamental unfairness I doesn’t go away just because I head out for a walk or turn my mind to other things. It’s always there, and I’m always angry about it. I don’t understand how you can walk this planet as a woman and not feel it. I suspect it’s the same for racial minorities or gays or any other group that is discriminated against. Say what they will: I STILL see more mid to upper class white men in film roles, on tv as presenters or guests or experts, in music, in literature – characters AND authors. The only time you see more women is when we’re showing our tits or draped across a car. And that sickens me, right to the core. It’s blatant fucking programming. White males are NOT the majority of persons on this planet. But you sure as fuck wouldn’t know that just looking at our media and culture. It should be closer to 51% female. THEN you can break it down into races, religions, and sexual orientation. But let’s START with a proper representation of the LARGEST dissed group: women.

And I get shit when I bring it up. Guess it’s an issue only white males should talk about.

Okay, so I didn’t drop it. I’m still goddamn angry.

How the fuck do you deal with this on a day by day basis? Huh? Ignore it? Forgive the foibles of men closest to you because they’re KIND of good guys? Because 85% of the time they think before they talk? Goddamn!

This reminds me of a South Park episode. Kyle makes the mistake of saying he understands Token and what it’s like to be black. Maybe that’s all I’m looking for here: an acknowledgement from men – from my brother – that they don’t understand what it is to be a woman and face this discrimination every goddamn minute of our goddamn lives. In the end of South Park, Kyle, of course, learns his lesson. But that’s tv.

What about IRL?