Did ya listen? Did ya listen?
Did ya read it? Did ya read it?
Did ya –
Beeps, cut it out.
Super sonic speed. I’m hesitant to tell the director he’s only getting one out of every 50 messages I want to send him. He’s actually got a life, so theatre work gets squeezed in around everything else. This is my life, so I just do it.
Rehearsed act 2 again. Sadly, the decision has been made to scrap one of the actors. He’s been unreliable, bowing out of rehearsals last minute because of scheduling problems. He’s also the former board member who’s no longer on the board – which he hasn’t been told, either. Apparently after saying for a month that our scheduled premiere dates are good for him, he can’t do it. The director’s just kind of had it, you know? Heard that they used to be really good friends, but then he started flaking out left and right and all that kind of drifted away. So now he’ll get a double hit: you’re off the play, and off the board. No one really thinks it will bother him because he just doesn’t seem to care.
I’m just glad I’m not the one who has to tell him.
Now we need to find someone else to fill the role. The word is going out and I hope to get a message soon about coming in to hear a few people audition.
Decided that I really need to shoot rough versions of the desired side videos and see if I can get the shots and angles I want. Asked out on WhatsApp for a warm body, and M is willing to come out to my place for an afternoon and do what I ask in front of the camera. Worried most about the suicide vid of the daughter. It’s not like I want to apply to have a metro station closed while I shoot. We could, I suppose, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Roughing in shot ideas that I think will fool the eye. Taking an afternoon to get some angles and another day to clip it together is a good idea right now. I’ll solve a lot of potential problems before they even start. Plus I can get a good feel for length and pacing. Don’t need to first think about that during the final edits!
Tomorrow is Dr T. And my physiotherapy. Friday I go back to the dentist. I need to get some exercise and tidy up the house. Read. Don’t have any new homework from class because I’m just about the only person who’s done every bit, so I’ll read my book instead. Up to page 80 now. Need to hit page 135 by Friday to keep on target.
Sleep is still active. If I don’t make my bed for a few days in a row, it ends up looking like a rat’s nest. Everything helter skelter, and the blankets kind of curled into a little nest. My sleeping self does not like pillows. I’m lucky to find one under my head when I wake up. Mostly they are on the floor, or somewhere tucked into bed with me like little supports. I am most surprised by that. My waking self likes to have at least 3 pillows under her head while laying in bed. Did not know I was pissing my sleeping self off so much for all those years. My sleeping self wins now: pillows everywhere but under my head.
Find myself tired of thinking so fast and so much. Tired of waiting for other people ’cause they just don’t move as fast as me. Tired of reigning myself in and people thinking I’m not trying to stop myself at all. I need a day off from me.
Next week I have to start having my lines memorized. Need to get on that, too…
My bro joked that I should try and watch the Incredibles again. Favorite quote? “Really? As fast as I can? Yes. As fast as you can.”
Too bad for me, no one’s saying that. Instead I hear ‘Chill out. Take it easy. Rustig. Slow down.’ Meh. I’m waiting for that point in my life when I hear it: as fast as you can. I’m only in second gear here. I keep stuttering and balking, holding back. You have no idea how fast I can go.
Looking forward to more medication. Yes, I said it. I’m looking forward to it. I know if I move too fast I’ll push myself right out of existence. I’ll do so much and be everywhere at once and no one will think to thank me because of it. The less I do, the more I’ll get. That’s hard. I want to spill it. Want to pour it all out, into other people’s heads, get going, get moving, make progress! I’ve done that. But the kudos are never in relation to the amount of work put in. There’s only so much kudos any one person can give. I need to adjust my work load to match. I can do everything and hear ‘Thanks for doing so much!’ or I can stick to some vids and my acting and hear the same bloody thing. No one will stand there on the night and list out every single thing I’ve done in an astonished voice and say thanks for each and every job I’ve tackled. No one.
And this is not the time I should be thinking of kudos for myself. All I should be concentrating on is self care. Making sure I don’t overload myself.
I do what I do, and I am what I am. I bulldoze over people without meaning too. I intimidate the hell out of everyone around me. That leads to people not saying ‘good job’ because they think I’m too far ahead of them or they’re just scared by me. Then I double down and try even harder.
It’s a self-repeating cycle.
I’ve gotta put myself in Park.