Still deeply unhappy. Smiling is something I’m thinking about now. I paste one on my face when I think it’s appropriate. And yes, sometimes a real laugh comes out of me, but then it’s back to stone-face, as I call it: too unhappy to twitch the muscles of my face into a smile unless something in me says ‘hey! put a smile on; you look weird’.
So unhappy on so many levels I don’t even want to talk about it.
Gotta go out and be among people today. Talk to them – in Dutch. Gods. Will go to the gym after class. Keep trying to get those endorphins to a level they take over and make me feel better no matter what.
Can’t remember exactly how long I’ve had my hearing problem. I think this is the third week. Still not right. Still have continual ringing. Still can’t hear some things. Next week I’ll make the four week appointment with my doc to complain about it.
Smoking too much. Don’t actually know I want to stop. The goal is to die BEFORE my bro. That thought scares me. It scares me to think I value myself so little. It scares me to think I’m that scared. But I still see the alternative as destitution and loneliness, and that scares me more.
Think I just have to stop with all news. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion. My anger levels rival that of a 20 year old; I’m too wound up and passionate about these things and I can’t find any sense of calm.
No hot water in the building this morning, so no morning shower. Lovely. That always seems to happen to me: plan to take a shower first thing and there’s no hot water. Nothing to wash this grump off of me.
Don’t want to do this. Don’t want to be alive. Don’t want to try so fucking hard anymore.
And don’t ask me what I do want. You can’t give it to me. You can’t give me a healthy body. You can’t guarantee me a safe future.
There’s nothing you can do, and talking about it ain’t gonna do jack.