Nothing to lose


Don’t know how long all this exercise bullshit is supposed to take before I “feel better”. Yesterday I pushed so hard at swimming I came back home and passed out for an hour and a half nap. My body is tired. I’m not in panic mode, or crying mode…but I’m not happy, either. Isn’t it all ‘get out and exercise; you’ll feel better right away’? Those endorphins are firing, whether or not I’m feeling it.

Why ain’t I feelin’ it?

Got a message sitting in my FB inbox from an on-line acquaintance. Just can’t seem to answer it. While he didn’t own supporting 45, he did own the ‘anyone but Hillary’ attitude – well. I can put two and two together. It’s not that I don’t want to answer it; I do. I just can’t bring myself to write inanities over every day nonsense when I know in my heart the person I’m writing to is responsible (by at least one vote) for the man who’s putting his entire family in power, wasting millions on extra security, selling everyone’s private information, cutting millions off from health care, and drilling on public lands, into power. Well, you helped elect that pussy grabbing, lying, cheating, narcissistic mother fucker! Saying “I didn’t know what we were getting into” ranks right up there with “it was a sexual emergency” in a rape case for me. And while I’m tempted to needle away at that issue, citing my friends who are ill and losing health care, the land that’s polluted, the disparity in pay, the inequality in American society – the truth is, unless I’m out to fight the BIG fight, I don’t want to get into it. This ain’t a big fight; this is one person I met online many years ago who’s ignorant.

Yet I can’t help feeling that even that attitude is wrong: am I not discounting him, his intelligence (if any), his opinions by saying he’s not worth it?

Sure. It’s my coping mechanism. It’s also my fuck you to all of them; that’s essentially what you’ve said to me over the years; here it is right back at ya. Does that foster understanding? No. Is it ‘right’? No. So the message sits, until I cool down enough or grow up enough to deal with it without being an ass.

That could take a very long time, indeed.

Somedays I think it would be far easier to feel righteous if I didn’t have such strong morals. As it is, my moral compass just tends to muck things up for me. Lands me in the grey, every time. Have not yet learned to be true to myself while simultaneously being compassionate to others. I’m either true to myself and brutal in what I say, or I’m compassionate and stuffing something down.

Work on my new script is almost complete. Unless I find a major issue (and I don’t think I will), I’ll be able to send it out next week. My bro suggested sending to RA groups. He thinks they might want to do it as an ‘educational’ thing. Guess I will; what have I got to lose? As long as it’s by email, the answer is nothing.

I got nothing to lose.



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