Drudge

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Stereo! The ringing in my ears is the same, both ears. That means I’m hearing the right as much as the left. Improvement? A few times over the last couple of days, everything in my head has sloshed from one side to the other. I can feel the pressure changes. Another improvement?

Wow, a few more of these “improvements” and I might feel as sick as I probably am.

Got my butt back to working on Dutch. What a slog! Ugh, erk, and sigh. Can’t say I’m at 100% correct response rate, either. Still making enough mistakes to feel like I’m not quite getting it. But I figure if I manage to do a page of work every day, something will sink in.

Exercise. Went to the pool, paddled around all the people not drowning, avoided the children (who were brought into the deep end for some reason)…. Ended up swimming the short way across the pool to bypass all the nonsense. Felt like I took three strokes and turned, three strokes and turned again – the whole time. Unhappy because my brother made a half-joke the other day about not being able to afford my gym membership (a whopping €14 each month) if I can’t use the facilities. Makes me feel like I must go and workout, whether or not I think I’m ready for it. Pissed off because for some reason we can afford take out a couple of times a month, but now my gym membership is in danger because I haven’t gone for 4 weeks.

Really, really unhappy to have no source of income for myself.

Been writing often. Close to the end of the first act in the play I’m working on. Not sure if I should end it and let it be a one-act thing or not. I could. But there’s also room for expansion. Think I’ll give it a read today and let my head ponder it. Naturally, I took a look for theatres seeking one act plays and naturally, I couldn’t find one.

Gods, I feel useless.

R supposedly thought my theatre workshop idea a good one, but I haven’t heard from him, so I don’t know if anything is gonna happen or not. The theatre group I’m waiting on is still dragging their feet; this makes 4 weeks since the last meeting, and over a week since they posted on FB that auditions were coming soon.

Feel like a drudge. I get up, do the housework (never thanked for any of it). I find various ways within these four walls to amuse myself so I’m not out using up the money on my OV-chipcard and I’m not out throwing money away on cups of coffee or useless items we really don’t need for the house. And still, the little cash I’m given to use each month gets chiseled away. Somehow it’s perfectly fine for my bro to buy things, but if I do I get a lecture about how there’s no money for anything. I feel guilty over my medical expenses, and try to save enough change from my allowance to cover what I can. I don’t feel I deserve any pleasure or fun, just work, work, work, ’til I drop over dead.

The sunshine outside my window doesn’t help. It feels like one more thing I can’t enjoy, or shouldn’t enjoy. Close the drapes; there’s work to be done. Don’t look at anyone; you’re not good enough to gaze directly into the eyes of people who actually work for a living. Don’t complain; you’re lucky to just have a roof over your head.

Drudge.

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