F*ck

Remember meds refills tomorrow. Don’t forget methotrexate; take the box in (no refill number). Stop by doctor’s office regarding hearing problem.

Today’s tidy up seems so much more impressive after a few days of intensive scrubbing. Things are just cleaner. Unfortunately there’s pain radiating from my wrist, so keep it light for a few days – no heavy lifting, no wonky wrist activity. Better to maintain at this level than overdo it for one day, resulting in long term inactivity – again. Got to put in that ‘again’ to remind myself.

Break these bad habits.

Contracts: ugh. No other word for it. My first form on the chop block was pretty standard. Now I’m stepping into custom territory, and it’s all a big soup of this term or that, specific clauses and uniform language. Taking a day off. Need more examples. Need a bleeding law degree to do this right, but reminding myself that anything I can tackle is one less thing we have to pay for.

Managed to stave off my second smoke until noon. Not as good as I’d like; not as bad as I’d feared.

Really should get into the shower later. I have to go out there soon, and that means people will be able to smell me (even if I still can’t).

Is this repetitious merry-go-round gonna stop anytime soon?

Find myself picking up hard of hearing habits. I tilt my head towards sound sources, trying to make out what’s going on. When people talk, I do my best to watch their lips. It helps me fill in what I’m missing. Ye gods! I don’t want this to become my normal. It’s interesting, tho, how quickly I’ve adopted these tactics.

Worried today. My bro’s in more meetings. Goddess, let things go well. Worried about his stress level, his health, the outcome, finances to cover all this, my health and physical ability to take another move, pain levels, lack of smoke and smoking too much, going off meds (again), red tape, prejudices and national level pay-back.

Worried that no one cares.

Find it difficult to occupy myself during the day when so many of my usual options are closed to me. Shouldn’t even be typing this, with my wrist pain, but if I don’t my head will explode and no one wants that. Music? Nope. Cleaning? Again, nope. Writing? Not right now. Even holding a book hurts my wrist. I really should be sitting in my chair, watching tv, and doing nothing with my hand. Which is probably undoubtedly where I’ll end up.

That just sucks. For a day or two once in a while, maybe. Okay, even. But day after day because of this health problem or that painful joint? Drives me fucking insane. And it seems I always fall into this rut, where one thing after another keeps me down for extended periods of time. Insane laughter upon insane laughter because this is me being kind to my body. Push it and all I hear is ‘you shouldn’t do that’ or ‘you can’t continue to do that’.

Fuck.

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