The muscles in my jaw do not hurt. Other than that…. Been back on the cross trainer, 15 minutes full out, half forward, half backward. Then it’s a simple 30 minutes on the bike, another 30 on the treadmill, over to the free weights where all the guys trying to beef up their biceps watch me out of the corners of their eyes as I lift 2 kg weights for sixty reps compared to the five they jerk out. My routine leaves little in my body untouched – and it’s wonderful. Is a two hour work out too much? I don’t think so. Takes me the first hour to break through that muddle that generally sits in me. Then I start to feel alive. The sweat pouring out of me, the pull of my muscles as I work – everything. I feel sparkly and full of energy.

My routine also serves to tire me out. My eyes are already closing by the time they hit the pillow at night. I’m not waking up four times, turning over, wondering if it’s time to get up yet. Just deep, full on rest.

Also not paying much attention to the US and 45. That’s good; he’s proving in his first few weeks to be as big an ass and as much a thief as I figured he was.

Dutch: still struggling through, tho I think I comprehended a grammar rule yesterday. Really got it, with full understanding – went through several dozen examples with my teacher to cement it in. Yea! Of course, that’s one more thing now to make me pause while speaking. Is it dit/dat or deze/die? What’s the article for that word? As an English speaker, I want to use dit/dat a lot; it sounds like this/that. But deze/die is more common, as it’s used with ‘de’ words and plurals. So I’m trying to drill it into me. Make deze/die the first words I reach for when speaking.

Managed to get my hair done on Tuesday. Ouch. The salon raised their prices. I hope it isn’t the last time I get to go there; I’ve been back to the same stylist now for almost a year, and she knows me. Knows my hair. She can even mark my progress with the language. Managed a properly worded past tense question to her – something in the past I would have mucked up, either using the wrong verb tense or something else, but this time I got it perfect. It was noteworthy, and she knew it. Must be odd for her, seeing me once every 6 to 8 weeks. I went from one or two words in Dutch to where I am now – on the brink of comprehending every bit of what’s said (watch out, gossipers).

Finally heard from the local theatre group. We are meeting on 22 February. Just a general meeting, get together, say hi, and maybe find out when auditions will be. I’m pleased. Don’t really care right now if the director says anything to me about my script or not; for the moment, I’m still included in the group and I find that’s enough for me.

Also heard from my friends. They’re turning the corner, feeling a little bit better and more hopeful than they were.

And I sent out an email about volunteering at the building where I take my Friday lessons. I’ve offered up my Tuesday afternoons to whatever tasks they need doing. After thinking long and hard about it, I even mentioned I was a writer and would be willing to teach English. Don’t know if anything will come of the teaching offer, but I put it out there. Don’t know if I’d make a good teacher, either – but I’ll cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

Life is picking up its pace again. I hope I don’t drop the ball.

My head’s been writing, tho I’ve not committed anything to paper – or screen. But I keep buzzing around one of my ideas, seeing different scenes. Thinking it through. It’s about evolution and devolution – how humanity has ‘evolved’, yet our responses are becoming more barbaric with said ‘evolution’. It’s also got lashings of addiction, violence, and political messages. Big ideas for one small play. It’ll take time to sort it through, find the right thread to follow from one scene to the next.

If I could push myself to clean up the dust bunnies on the floor, I’d be well pleased with myself.

But dust bunnies aside, I’m doing well. I realize it’s mostly thanks to the endorphins I’ve got pumping through my system from the heavy duty work-outs. That’s okay. I mean, it’s legal and natural – can’t take that away from me (tho I’m quite sure there are people out there who would make it illegal; anything that makes you feel that good can’t be alright). I’ll even out on some new plateau. Revved up and ready for bear. I’m always happy to be in up mode. Figure my only job is to prevent me running too fast and hot. Other than that; let it pour out me. Let me sweat it out, like I do at the gym. Let the words flow, let the sun fly, let the days pass in a happy haze of work and rest. When I am here, I know this is the me that was meant to be, as much as I know the goth girl with the nihilistic attitude is the real me when I’m down.

Oh. … That means I only feel alive when I’m at an extreme. First impression: bad me, bad for doing that! Second impression: stop judging, and take it in. … It’s not particularly healthy. It might look a little crazy. But wrong? Is a hummingbird wrong to beat its wings faster than other birds? No. It’s just the way they’re wired. Hummingbirds might seem all hurly-burly to other birds. Other birds might gossip; look at that one, flitting from place to place so fast, never stopping, never going back! How awful! Yet in doing what they do, hummingbirds achieve something unique: that quick, darting movement they have, the beautiful fluttering of their wings. Who isn’t enchanted by watching a hummingbird? And that’s me.

I’m a hummingbird.


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