I have a full page of stop-and-start writing that’s supposed to be an attempt at a synopsis for my script. I’m having a hard time getting beyond the first sentence. In fact, truth be told, the entire page is filled with various first sentence attempts. Synopsis writing has always been my Waterloo. Ask me to create a story, a poem, a logical argument ready to be debated in senate, and I can do it. Ask me to write a synopsis and I tank on it every time. So I’ve turned to my friend J., who reviews films for a partial living, for help. Fresh eyes, an expert hand at succinct writing – should be no problem for him.
Then there’s my CV. I’ve roughed it out to one page, and highlighted my writing credits no matter what pseudonym I used to send stuff out. Meh. While I never lie on a CV, I do add a bit of spin. My stories aren’t unpublished; they’re out for consideration at various publishing agencies. That kind of stuff (which is true; all the stories I’ve listed ARE out at publishers and I haven’t heard back). Still. I hate it. Someday I’ll have an assistant to do pesky shit like my CV and synopses.
So today’s the day I’ve got earmarked to get back to the gym. Winter’s moved into Rotterdam. I haven’t said much about it because I’ve seen the news, and Rotterdam’s winter is so nothing compared to the blizzards throughout Europe and North America that it’s akin to complaining about a cold to someone who’s got pneumonia. The truth is we’ve had freezing rain, and freezing conditions, for several days now. I haven’t wanted to venture out because of the risk of falling – which, I find, I’ve developed a deathly fear of. But last night was dry, and I’ve a good chance today of clear sidewalks from here to the gym. And I am so in need of getting back to regular exercise that I’ve flipped: I’m sluggish, don’t want to move, don’t want to get started, and would just rather sit in my sloth for another week. Very much time to crack that mental whip and get back to it. It will help me relax, help me write the crap I still need to write, and help me get back into the swing of my regular routine.
My smoking continues to be too much. I’m holding off, here and there, from chain smoking. Keep thinking ‘is this the one that gives me cancer?’. Not a healthy place to be. I need to fill my time again with outside things: the gym, the pool, language lessons, errands. Most of all, I need to get away from my computer. I’m still so mentally there with writing it’s hard to break. And when I do break, I sit and play repetitive games until the sun goes down.
Still in a state of flux with immigration. My bro received a letter asking for a piece of paper he hadn’t included in the original packet. Everyone says don’t sweat it. I try not to think too much about it. Not too bad with that, actually. My head has focused on more morbid thoughts than simple immigration. Not that THAT’S a great thing to say. But I guess when I’m contemplating death or being left alone for the rest of my life because my bro dies, little stuff like pieces of paper from governments just don’t mean too much.
Been thinking I should allow myself to write a drama/tragedy. My head’s there a LOT. Just put it down. Let it out. It doesn’t have to go anywhere. I don’t have to try and get it done. But write it. On the other hand, I’m a bit concerned doing that would drag me down into it. When I get in the groove, I get in the groove. Live, sleep, eat, shit my stuff. Comedy is far better to go into like that. Drama or tragedy…I don’t know that I have the time to cry as much as I’d need to to get it out of me.
Deflection. Just watched a show last night where a character was talking to a shrink and made a joke. The shrink observed that humor, in that instance, was being used to deflect from the real hurt the character felt. That’s an idea I can sink my teeth into. I do it a lot. So much that in this particular instance, ‘a lot’ really should be written as one word: alot. I recognize a number of things. One, that using humor to deflect was taught to me. Two, that I didn’t get it for a long time and was accused of not having a sense of humor before the age of 20. And three, that anything can be a drama and anything can be a comedy, depending on the spin you put on it. That’s what it all comes down to: the way you look at it. The spin. AbFab is an excellent example. Edina is a bleeding horrible person, as is Patsy. They do it as a comedy, but it can easily be done the other way. Take out the bright colors in the wardrobe and the mugged faces they occasionally pull, and you’ve got a story of an abusive family being abusive. I’ve even see Saunders take it to the edge. In one episode, Edina gets so mad she throws a cup of yogurt. You can hear the audience gasp in shock at this display. It’s a moment of straight up rage tucked away in this comedy that takes everyone by surprise. So it’s all how you play it.
I guess I’m done playing my life as a drama or tragedy. I’d rather laugh, anyway. And sure, that’s deflection in process. It hurts to think on the words ‘abuse’ and ‘neglect’. It hurts to remember a lot of my past.
But I’ve always said: the best stories to tell are the worst stories to live through.