So THIS is where I’m stuck

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It’s official: I am not gonna die from this cold. Last night was the first non-interrupted sleep in 10 days. I’m beginning to remember what breathing without a rattle in my lungs feels like.

The roots of my hair are finally getting schooled today. All I can say is yippee! Feels like my head is a walking advertisement for half and half. Tho I’ve got to admit, after a certain point (and I’m there) my roots stop looking so silvery and start looking simply light brown. I hope that once my hairdresser helps me to transition from this almost black color back to something closer to my natural color that grow-out phase won’t shock me so much. Let’s face it: grey pubic hairs are enough of a shock for anyone to deal with, and I have to face those every damned time I piss.

After my hair, I get to see my very cute physiotherapist. This is the first time since I’ve started physio that I haven’t walked or exercised or even done the minimum stuff he gave me to do for my back. Just too damned sick! I feel immensely fat. Ugh. At least my hair will be done.

Can’t wait to get out of my head. There’s nothing worse than being stuck physically to make my mind go bonkers. I do my best to reign it in when it crosses the line but it’s difficult. My thoughts are lightening fast and by the time I realize I’m thinking down lines I don’t want to go I’m already more than half way there.

Anger, obviously. I make no bones about that. Sometimes I wonder if I really am insane. If everything I think I know about my family and the way they treated me is all just some delusion I’ve built up. That’s a hard one. Makes me feel very lonely. But then I remember some basic facts about my family, like how out of all my cousins only two have chosen to reproduce, and I think no, my family is really screwed up and I’m not imagining it. I know under that anger lies sorrow. But I figure I ran around being sad for most of my life; it’s about time to express some of that anger towards the people who deserve it. Maybe I won’t get past that this lifetime. I’d like to. I’m just too angry.

Next time I’m on that wheel and they tell me I have to come back here I’ll say no, no, no, no!

It scares me to think I’ve let my life waste away. Sometimes I do feel that way. That I’ve been so stuck and angry for so long I haven’t done much. I know! I know – that’s a major discount of what I have done. Can’t help it. Maybe we all have to go through that. Middle age is kind of the New Year’s of our lives – a time when we pause and reflect on what we’ve done or not done. I’m sure I’m not the only one to make mid-life resolutions. To do better. To live more. Problem is, when you get to middle age you really do feel tired so easily. Throw in the RA and it’s no wonder I’m asleep by 10:30 most nights.

….So I have to ask myself: what are you waiting for? Why are you stalling out on your dreams? Why do you come on this bleeding blog and write almost every day, yet you don’t show the same dedication to your ‘art’?

OH! You can’t rush inspiration. I do work on my art. I know where I go when I really write. Damn! I just hit my own defensiveness button. Excuses and alibis, followed up by a big question mark just sitting in my brain because behind all those excuses and alibis lies something I really don’t fucking want to take a look at. A big, ugly lump of fear.

My family used to accuse me of being afraid of success. That was why I did what I did. That was where the self sabotage came from. That was the alpha and omega of mental health in my family: you’re afraid of success. I was never afraid of success. I was afraid of failure, which I felt to be inevitable. After all, if my own family felt I wasn’t good enough then why should anyone else? My family knew me longer and more intimately than the general public. They passed their judgement, and I accepted it.

Any dreams I ever imagined of success in my life never included my actual family. Never. In fact…I only ever imagined success as a means of revenge on my family. I always (in my fantasies) appeared suddenly to my family after achieving mega success. Sometimes the fantasies were subtle, sometimes they were over the top. But they all showed me being very successful and the rest of the family wanting to be my friend, wanting to shower me with the praise they were all so fucking miserly with, and I turned away from them in the exact manner they turned away from me for so damned long.

Hm. Something tells me revenge is not a good basis for success.

Well that’s an interesting tidbit of info I pulled out my head today. Just wrote it down so I could keep contemplating my words.

Now. What does a fantasy about success that doesn’t include revenge look like? I do not like fawning behavior. Previously in my success fantasy, I’d burn fawners. So let’s not do that this time. A sincere thank you, with understanding and kindness behind it. No family allowed in this at all, other than my bro…. What I see boils down to one word: respect. Simple respect. People asking to hear my opinion, and listening to my answer. Respect for what I do, too. No snobs telling me I can’t write or whatever. And naturally, enough income earned to pay my own way. I’m not a champagne and caviar type of person, and I don’t need gold plated everything. But I’d like to be able to get my hair done and buy new clothes if I feel like it.

This is hard. Really hard for me. I can put the pieces in place but I still can’t quite imagine the scenario. It’s all just dead cardboard cut-outs in my brain.

So this is where I’m stuck.

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