All I Want

I am deeply depressed. And angry. And wrestling with yet another headache.

The bee-yotch in my water aerobics for ancient bodies who always fucking gets in my goddamn way told me to ‘let op’ and yelled ‘ow’ when I accidentally half landed on her foot in the goddamn fucking pool because she’s too goddamn fucking lazy to lift her goddamn fucking feet and fucking move at a decent fucking pace. I did NOT hit her square in the face and I think I deserve a gold fucking star for such incredible restraint. The instructor played Toto’s ‘I miss the rains down in Africa’ and I started to cry because I miss Ulla so fucking much. My brain isn’t doing ANYTHING in Dutch anymore. I can barely remember ‘hello’ and ‘how’s it going’. I’m sick to death of these goddamn fucking headaches.

Thought about putting a personal ad out there. “World’s loneliest and most un-lovable woman seeks friend to hang out with. Absolutely no country and western fans. Absolutely no Trump fans. Must be tolerant of smokers and tokers. You’re either poor like me and enjoy pizza and bad films, or rich and willing to pay my way. You don’t get upset when I say ‘fuck’ every other word. You don’t judge, but take me as I am – sometimes manic and sometimes depressed. Good sense of humor absolutely necessary.”

Wonder if there’s anybody out there who’d respond to that.

It’s honest. That’s about all I can say about it.

And yes, I told my bro I’m more down in the dumps than usual. He’s well aware of it and doing his damnedest to lighten my load.

I’d like to just sit and rot today, so that’s pretty much what I’m gonna do. Smoke. Play games. Fuck off. See if maybe I can get my head straight so I have a slim chance of actually making it to my language lessons this week.

Maybe there’s tumor in my brain. Maybe that’s the cause of all these fucking headaches. Wouldn’t that be nice? To be told that yes, there’s a physical reason for it. Hmph. I just ain’t that lucky. I know it’s stress. I know it’s ‘all in my head’. Ha fucking ha. Fuck you.

Doesn’t help that everyone in the fucking pool turned around and looked at me like I just landed from goddamn fucking Jupiter when some AC/DC came on by accident and I whooped out and said ‘leave it on!’. Fucking hell.

Fucking OLD goddamn fuckers. Gimme a fucking break. Not one of those people could be born before 1940. That means they were all pretty young in the 60s. So why are we listening to shit like ‘chirpy chirpy cheep cheep’ and Frank Sinatra? How about some goddamn Jimmy Hendrix or Led Zeppelin? Or even some Golden Earring – the ONLY Dutch rock band to have any hit in the rock charts? No. Lame goddamn fucking music! How the hell is anybody supposed to fucking feel good when you play lame goddamn fucking music the entire time?

Fucking just kill me, why don’t you? It would be less painful.

Still not over this blind rage bullshit. Obviously. The people I don’t want to kill right now are limited to less than 5.

I’m not sure if I count myself among them.

Run. Hide. That instinct is very strong in me right now. It’s the only thing I know for sure that will keep me from hurting anyone.

Wibbley-wobbley. See the ever-tilting woman loose her balance over and over again. Marvel at how far she falls.

Goddamn it.

…….Such a long pause there my screen saver activated.

This sucks. I’m getting hungry for breakfast, finally, but I don’t know that I can motivate myself to get up and make anything. Why bother? I’m fat, so I don’t actually need the calories. And food…continuing this bullshit…I don’t know. Wish I could just turn it all off. Not die, just turn the world off. Make everyone and everything freeze for a day or two or twenty. Go away. No more talking, no more noise, no more people telling me this or that, no more words I don’t understand. Quiet.


That’s all I want.


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