Here we go again


I am not 100% convinced I didn’t wake up in an alternate reality yesterday. Not sure what reality I’m in today – and you KNOW when you begin to question reality around you that things are a little weird. Love to say this was all brought about by finding an LSD connection and tripping my balls off, but it ain’t so.


No. My current freak out is over something that happened in language class. We’re doing a lot of reading and question answering. Ran into a couple of sentences I began to question. Sometime my head learned a Dutch language rule about verbs – and I was told yesterday that I was wrong, completely wrong, it never happens, I must be insane, where did you learn that. I’m having a hard time swallowing the idea that I cemented a wrong idea in my head so early on. Sent a message out to my old teacher and I really hope he answers. This language stuff – it’s all potluck who you get as an instructor. These are volunteers from the community. There’s no strict learning plan; every instructor does things a bit different. And there’s plenty of native Dutch speakers with poor grammar. My old instructor is a professional writer and editor in Dutch; he knows grammar better than the majority. So I asked. After all, I just watched a tv program in English where I heard one person say ‘The money got growed’ – absolutely AWFUL grammar. I don’t need to learn Dutch from someone who speaks like that, and I’m sure they’re out there!

I spazzed in class. Suddenly I’ve been speaking poorly and using the wrong verb tenses for an entire YEAR? I was told yes, yes I’ve been speaking poorly, using the wrong verb tenses. In fact, while I tried to explain my question to the instructors it was like I was speaking Martian. No one else knew of this rule I had in my head. No one else had ever heard anything like it. I had immense group pressure to submit and give in. Accept I was wrong and begin to talk like they do. But I’m not sure if they’re a ‘The money got growed’ group or not. I retreated to my default spot – withdrawal. And honestly I don’t feel like picking up my work on the language AT ALL. If I did get something so basic so wrong, well…Can I ever get it if I make big mistakes like that?

I don’t even know if I can trust my own brain. I mean….I know it gives me gip over my self image and confidence. But suddenly I’m thinking I can’t trust this great machine that’s put me over the top in 99% of the classes I’ve taken. Some wires got crossed. A spanner got thrown into the works. My bro says calm down – but this is one time I can’t calm down. If I can’t trust my own memory then there’s nothing I CAN trust. Because this isn’t a ‘little’ wrong, this is a big wrong. And it’ll take a while before I can correct a big wrong in my brain. And then I will always – ALWAYS and forever more – have that niggling doubt every goddamn time I try to speak. Am I using the right verb forms? It will never go away.


You bet your ass I’m hoping my ex instructor writes back to me and says yes, you’re right Beeps, who the hell is teaching that class?

To make matters worse, I’ve heard nothing on the script I wrote. Nadda. The director took it Wednesday night, said he’d read it right away. I know; he’s got a life, right? Don’t expect things so quick. But when someone says they’ll read my work that night I generally feel that they’ll be getting back to me quick. Christ, this feels like a goddamn publisher – put it out there, get enthused and excited, then hear nothing. Naturally I don’t want to be a pest. The director has a day job as a teacher at the Uni and a whole other life (I’m sure). But it’s damned difficult not seeing anything come through my email day after day.

The only applecart that hasn’t been upset is my exercise regime. The weekend is easy time, just walking in fresh air for an hour a day. It’s actually a little hard not to go back to the gym again – I think I’m getting addicted to the post work out burn. But I said I’d do the gym twice a week and I’ll stick to it for now. In a month, if all is good and I haven’t hurt myself, I can take that up to three times a week.

It’s weird to live in a world where I feel I can trust my body over my brain, but that’s right where I find myself. My body’s getting much stronger. I can feel the pull of my muscles, the way they stretch over my skeleton. There’s far less fat to grab around my midriff. And sometimes I can even see the shape of the muscles begin to emerge. I’m holding onto that. It’s a great feeling, without a doubt. That’s where I’m trying to center myself right now. Not the brain, but the body. Can’t trust the brain. I might have torn something up there. But the body! I begin to feel if an emergency occurred I’d be able to react and react quickly. Punch, kick – even run if I needed to.

What I really want is a little consistency. Two days in a row feeling good would be nice – and completely different from what I generally go through. I guess what I should be telling myself is that the next high isn’t too far away if I’m already in the downs.

Most of the time when I envision obstacles in my life, I see them as towering stacks of stuff. Mountains I have to climb over. But the truth is my obstacles are deep trenches. Low lows I need to climb OUT of, not over.

So. One hand over the other. Here we go again.


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