In Search of: My Missing Mind


Crawling out of my skin, or wanting to. For 24 hours I’ve been pacing, sweating, agitated, unable to eat, and generally feeling like I’d like to vomit up meals from long, long ago over everyone and everything I pass. Why? This is me; this is me on stress. Welcome.

Too much adrenaline. That’s what I’m blaming today. I think my adrenal glands have been on overdrive; first the creep, then the lessons, the language overload, and a mention of my hot topic – finances – to send me into that edgy spiral. All of that’s over and done with, but my adrenal glands don’t know that yet. So they’re still pumping shit out.

I suppose it isn’t helping that I’m now off my pain pills after two weeks of a codeine induced calm. And I’ve been trying – semi-successfully – to cut back on smoking, too. Why? Well, there aren’t enough things for me to beat myself up over so I’ve got to create a few.

Sad, but true.

My Thursday language lessons went okay. Without knowing if my new teacher was even going to show, I hoofed it over there and dallied outside for a bit, hoping that when I finally did enter the room someone would be waiting for me. Nadda. Instead, I was accosted (no other word for it) by someone who works as an organizer. And the word was out – my name was known, it was known that a new teacher was coming in for me, and I think everyone had been told to not let me leave this time. I was tagged onto an existing teacher and student. It went well; tho the other student knows more words than I do, she’s not as good with grammar and verb form as I am, so we’re kind of evenly matched. I can help her, and she can help me. The teacher was good, too: clear spoken and not afraid to use a bit of English when I got lost. I’d brought along the book I’m working out of so whoever I worked with would understand where I’m at with the language. Turns out the book is the hit of the place; we spent most of the time going thru the exercises out loud, talking about language rules and grammar. Next week will be interesting. I attempted to remind this pair that I should have a new teacher next week, but I think what I heard was ‘no, no, we’ll keep on with this, bring the book next week so we can continue’. So we’ll see if it turns into a soap opera drama. “You can’t have her; she’s mine!” “No! We need her and her book! Leave her alone!” Could be interesting.

Another day, another language lesson. This time my group lesson. Ach! And already the woman next to me was looking at my paper to see what my answers were. I just gave up and made it easier for her to see, and we went through things together. Why make her feel like she’s cheating? We’re both there to learn. Same sort of situation: I know some words the group doesn’t, and they know some words unfamiliar to me. So we talk with each other, pantomiming when all else fails. Homework: a six page story to read. We began it in class, everyone reading a few sentences. Man! Some people are very far off. They may have more words and be able to communicate in their close-knit group outside class, but they can’t read the written word at all. More correction on vowel sounds for me. Small things. Drill, drill, drill.

Driving myself INSANE with saying ‘zuid’ and ‘zout’ back and forth, trying to get it clear. Now I’ve added ‘word’ and ‘werd’. ‘Maan’ and ‘man’. ‘Kok’ and ‘keuk’.

I really gotta stop that.

So. I’m toking a big fattie and when this blog is done to my satisfaction I’m headed out for a long, hard walk. Time to sweat because my body is working, not because my temperature gauge goes haywire for five minutes. Had a day of rain yesterday, so I didn’t get out other than to and from my lesson. Pretty sure not walking didn’t help with my antsy feelings, too.

And honestly, nor did my blog confession. I guess I’m just as glad it kind of slid under the radar of most people.

Back to finding my missing mind. Walking will do me good. A shower would be good, too. I’ve wanted one for days but the timing was off (love this location, but if everyone in the building showers there’s no hot water). And then maybe some food. I hope.

If you’re out there today and see a lone brain wandering around, stick a postal stamp on it and send it to Beeps in Rotterdam, Netherlands. I’ve been looking for that thing for a while now.


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