Like I care


Tramadol. Diazepam. After a tearful and painfully slow walk around the neighborhood – which took 45 minutes rather than the usual 20 – I called for the big guns. My back just seized up entirely.

I tried the automatic phone line for prescription refills. Got through the first 5 or 6 things in Dutch and then it lost me. Called the front desk and explained (in Dutch) and got assured the system was difficult when your language is limited. Got thru the entire phone call without using English. Best of all, by 2 in the afternoon I had my pills and was only half an hour away from relief.

A night of deep diazepam induced sleep and my back feels amazing. Still a hitch on the left side, but way, way down from what it was. I can walk like a normal person again. Even hit the pool this morning, though I didn’t swim as long as I normally do and took 15 minutes in the whirlpool.



Make me feel better, world. So it did. Another phone call, this time about my injections. All handled in Dutch. My confidence is growing. I can understand and do this. Bloody hell! Two phone calls all in Dutch. Didn’t even have much anxiety over them.

The plan is to rest most of the day, take a stroll in the afternoon to make sure my back stays open and flexible. Staying on the drugs for now, but I hope to be weaning off tomorrow. Three days of diazepam and I risk depression. I don’t want that now, when I’m starting to feel better.

And Friday I begin a new language class. Got the message in yesterday. I’ll have two instructors, so chances are good I’ll be able to understand at least one of them. It’s the A1-A2 level, which is a step up from where I’ve been working. I think I’m ready for it. I expect to tread water for a bit, not understand everything, and make plenty of mistakes. I also think real focus every week with homework plus the work I do on my own is gonna make a huge difference.

You know…I can’t help but hate my painful periods. The times my RA flares up, my back goes out – anything with real physical agony. And yet I can’t deny that every time the pain recedes I feel an amazing lift up. I guess when even breathing becomes painful your focus gets down to just that – the pain. Everything else tends to slide away due to the immediacy of what you feel. It’s just clenching your hands and teeth as you make yourself move – all very slow, very focused. Trust me to get into some weird, masochistic form of concentration. When that’s finally gone, when you can finally take a breath or move your head without searing pain…well, it feels like everything is gone from you. The pain came and burnt everything else out, and you’re left standing in an open field, able to raise your arms to the sun for what feels like the very first time.


Doesn’t take long for life to come crashing in. First thing I noticed was my hair is REALLY grown out and I’ve GOT to make an appointment to get it done. Like, today. I think I’m gonna ask about going lighter. I like this almost black hair, but not on my face. No matter how dark I dye my eyebrows it doesn’t quite fit me. And I want shorter layers. I’m sick of pulling my hair back every day because it gets in my way. Now there’s a sign of me getting ready to work: revamping my hair.

Well, autumn is here. That changeling season with summer sun and fall wind. My time to romp, and how ready I am! As usual, I’ll probably try to stuff an entire year into a few months. I hope to remain a bit more balanced in my approach rather than falling into mono-mania with my focus on one thing and one thing only. I’m just far enough into a Doris Day mindset to say ‘que sera, sera, whatever will be will be’ – oh god, why did I start THAT? Indicative of what’s to come, no?

Ding. Time to take a happy pill.

More SpongeBob SquarePants. Almost through Season 1. Had a real thrill yesterday, watching a Halloween special. Vliegende Hollander. That’s what I kept hearing. Took me a bit, then it dawned on me – Flying Dutchman. I was so happy I actually punched the air and let out a whoop. Not sure yet if I’ll watch the season over again now that I feel I understand more (still struggling with all the words in the opening song) or move onto The Powerpuff Girls.

Hm. I am probably a little bit manic. Yes? No? *zooms across the room*



Well, if you can’t enjoy that then you might as well kick it. [Ooooo….my apologies for that if you’re not feeling it. That’s a poorly-written self-reference; I’m not telling you to kick it.]

Guess all my self talk and belly button gazing did some good. Either that or I’m just really high.


Like I care.


One thought on “Like I care

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