For the past 24 hours I’ve either been sitting or laying down, OR making spectacular pain faces as I try to get up or get down. Once again, that spastic muscle in my back has gone on a rampage and I’m reminded how much one uses one’s back muscles in so many ways. Not just getting up or down, but turning and reaching, too. Of course I have no big gun pain relief in the house; it’s the weekend, and once again this has caught me unaware. So I’m limping thru with popping paracetamol, drinking as much valerian tea as I can handle, and smoking. I’ve promised to see the doc by Monday if it hasn’t eased, knowing full well that chances are high by Monday my back will feel fine.
In the meantime I’m trying to not groan too loud when I have to turn over in bed, or pull myself up off the toilet. And walking right now is more of a foot dragging affair, at least on my right side, which is where the problem is.
Not thrilled about spending all my time this weekend resting. The pain is taking it out of me; I AM sleeping more. I just don’t know that I can spend another whole afternoon in my recliner. It’s the best spot for my back to rest, other than bed, but after 10 hours in that chair I get this kind of creepy-crawly feeling all over my body and I HAVE to get up, no matter how many faces I make or how much I drag my foot around and groan.
It’s not conducive to healing.
And yes, the question of whether I’ve set this off by attempting to contain my anger HAS crossed my mind. May I say that if that’s the case, it’s rather effective. I have no energy to be angry at the moment. Surprise, disgust over the mess the world is in, yes, but not active anger.
The price is rather high, though. If this is how I stop my anger, I have to sit up and take notice that it also stops ME. Completely.
Of course, that’s all touchy-feeling mumbo jumbo and the cold hard fact is that this is one of those things that hurts me regardless of what I do. It’s a 30 year old problem. I’ll entertain the idea of holding myself responsible for this pain, but I won’t blame myself for it. That’s useless.
*sigh* Back when this started the docs said the only long term solution they had was surgery, to go in and cut the nerves to that section of muscle. Maybe I should have taken them up on that.
Spent my afternoon watching stuff off my smart tv system. No DVDs or Blu ray discs to change, just hit a few buttons – all from a seated position. Ended up checking out a series called ‘Huff’, about a psychiatrist. After watching 7 episodes, I’m still not sure if I care about the main character or the series. I’ll give it to modern media. They seem to have mastered the art of presenting fully developed characters. No black and white cowboy hats to tell the good guys from the bad these days; everyone wears grey. But I am presented, in Huff, with a fully grey character right from the start and I find it hard to (1) figure out if he’s a ‘good’ guy and (2) find a reason to really like him. There was no defining moment in the pilot that said yes, he’s basically a good guy but he’s human and just makes mistakes like everyone else. No. Huff is, in fact, kind of a wimp. He lets a lot of people use him. I won’t even begin to address the stereotypical portrayal of the patients. That is off the scale on offensiveness. Every patient is either a whining little bitch who really doesn’t have a problem or a complete nutter who’s violent and untrustworthy. While Huff is shown to care about these people – his son even states this aloud, in case the audience hadn’t caught on – he’s also a callous bastard, shown fucking his wife as she just lays there (it almost looked like rape) and using an unscrupulous attorney who’s a substance abuser, a liar, and an unbelievable chauvinist.
The show isn’t from the 70s or 80s. It’s from 2004. So pleased to see how far we’ve come.
While I’m not going to come out in favor of the old black and white good vs evil, I am going to say this: humanity needs heroes. Fully fledged heroes, not the half dark heroes we’ve had so much of lately. Heroes were developed to represent the best in what we could be. To give us courage, and hope. Pulling every single one of them down to our own level may make them more relatable, but in doing so they lose the essence of what they are – heroes. Heroes DO struggle – and they should be shown struggling. But to portray main characters as half sympathetic and half ruthless narcissist doesn’t give me or anyone else ANYTHING to hold onto.
It only leaves me feeling empty.
We NEED a reason to care about each other, beyond changing our FB pix with the current colored background to show cyber sympathy for the most recent atrocity committed somewhere on our planet. And we don’t need spandex clad heroes, or heroes in some futuristic apocalyptic setting. We need heroes here, and now. In my neighborhood and in yours.
Heroes don’t stop to look at victims’ skin color. They don’t ask ‘are you a Muslim?’ before throwing themselves into the fray. They don’t make judgements about what people are wearing, or what they’ve done in the past.
Heroes just jump in when they see something unfair happening. It can be the unfairness of a four against one fight, or the unfairness of a homeless person on the street. Heroes don’t go into committees or negotiations. They act.
Find the hero in you. Just once today. Speak up for someone. Be kind to a stranger. Do something.