Dear Uncle D.,
While I will always be grateful to you for helping me out with a loan when I most needed it, I must ask you to GET THE FUCK OFF MY BALLS. I am not a child that needs admonishing or shaming into some semblance of behaviour YOU find acceptable. And you are not some financial, political, or social guru. Your opinions are just that – YOUR opinions. While you have a right to express those opinions, I HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPRESS MINE. I do not need to see every fucking post I put up on FB challenged by your right wing rhetoric. I do not need to be admonished for MAKING A FUCKING JOKE about Trump and then being told I’m “sinking to his level”. And I do not need to hear what YOU think is right for the EU when the only fucking time you were here was to drop fucking bombs on the Germans. The arguments you make about immigration are purely emotional; there isn’t one scrap of logic in them. NOW who’s stooping to Trump’s level? Why don’t you do a little homework and learn something before you open up your mouth? Or at least come to the EU ONCE in peacetime to see what the fuck it is your making judgments over, because you don’t know jack. I’ve heard your shit dribble out of your mouth for fucking years now. How you don’t want to pay for lowlifes and slackers. How people without a job should get off their asses and find some fucking work rather than taking handouts. How socialized medicine is so horrible. Your mind is narrow, your soul is narrow, and it’s THIS goddamn rhetoric that drove me so fucking far from every single person I share DNA with. Goddess forbid I should say something to the contrary! Why don’t you all don your white sheets and go burn some fucking crosses you racists pieces of shit? Because I’ve had it up to HERE with your talk. Every time you say something negative about the unemployed, you say it about me. Every time you say something negative about people needing help, you say it about me. So with all due respect, sir, fuck the hell off.
The last few days have been nothing other than watching the news and trying to relax after watching the news. I feel like a witness to some horrible accident – I can’t look away, no matter how much blood I see. And yes, I’m damned riled up about it.
Today I have to get a hold on myself. Stop my obsessing over the world breaking.
My bro’s sensei (R) never showed up Thursday night. Something about the bookkeeper’s kid being sick. The meeting has been rescheduled for this evening. I’m more than a little curious to see if THIS meeting materializes. Maybe R is just a pooka. A big, hairy pooka. That occasionally makes phone calls to the house….Okay, the pooka idea is farfetched. Still. R’s wavering is doing nothing to allay that little part of me that doesn’t want to trust him.
As you may be able to tell, I’m under fire from my family at the moment. I’ll never know exactly why my family feels that, from time to time, they must put me down every damned way they can possibly imagine. But they do. Nothing like getting hit by a blind, emotional argument when you’re talking real financial facts and theorems. It puts a complete stop on me. It tells me they think I don’t know what I’m saying. The language they use is the same one would use towards an errant five year old. And how the HELL am I supposed to answer to that? Why does it even NEED an answer? They told me they think I’m a piece of shit without saying those precise words. Nothing I say is gonna make them change their minds. Moreover, nothing I say could even spark a hint of respect for me in them. That’s the real bitch. Fine if you disagree but you could at LEAST leave it, say you respect my opinion, rather than trying to shame or bully me into saying you’re right?
Right. This is an OLD frustration, so let’s turn it on its head. Think outside the box my brain was put in.
How’s this: the reason I get so much flak from my family is because I was the only pure soul in them. I was the good guy, the one who wouldn’t cause problems or start a fight. I was the one who always walked away from an argument rather than let it get ugly. And that’s something they all admired and tried to emulate, tho they failed more often than not. But they value the fact that amidst their back stabbing, narrow minded ways, one person who wasn’t twisted by personal ambition and greed was born. They wanted to keep me safe, away from all the shit that really was and is my family. So I was sheltered. I was excluded. And most of all, I heard more than anyone that I must be good, I must turn the other cheek, I must take the high road at ALL PERSONAL COST. Because in me they say what they wanted to be, what they wanted the world to be.
And that is why I still hear things like ‘don’t stoop to their level’ or other adages you’d tell a child. Because I’m still that person. I’m still the free thinker. I’m still the socialist. And they STILL want to keep me innocent and ‘stain-free’.
That’s…a different way of thinking.
I’ll take that out into the world today. See how it feels to think that way rather than blaming my family for putting me down. Won’t be easy to maintain; I’ve been feeling put down for all my life. But I’ll give it a go.
Put those shoes on and let’s strut my stuff.