Silence

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Mid-day, and I’m floating through alright.  I’m alright with getting one of two phone calls made. I’m alright with the half assed job of tidying up I just finished. I’m alright with not being perfect in language class today.

Not great, but alright. American English translation: I’m not happy, but I’m dealing.

My elephant is still in the room with me, half eaten.  For the record, I panicked when I looked up the word for ‘cancel’ in my dictionary and found half a dozen multi word phrases as my answer. My response was to ask for English right away when I made my first phone call. I used what Dutch words I felt confident with and got my message across. Should feel good about that, but, you know…this is me we’re talking about. As for making an appointment for further cancer screenings, I’ve got as far as imagining the conversation with my doctor. Been practicing it in Dutch, or trying. Trying to not get hysterical, as well. Maybe if I say it often enough, like a prepared speech, I won’t lose it when the actual time comes. It also feels like I’m doing something, even if it doesn’t look like it. I’m prepping. Mentally. It’s a big obstacle, so it’s gonna take a bit.

As for Dutch…*sigh* My teacher gave us a list of 40-50 verbs and the past tense forms – BUT he wrote the current tense as the root (plural) but the past tense as the personal form (‘I’). Natch I thought that was the wrong way to go about it; I want the full word, full plural form, and I can conjugate from there. I was stopped several times and told I was ‘wrong’. Apparently, it’s not the way the Dutch learn it. So now I need to shift gears in my memorization. Just…aggravating. And I’m still not convinced it’s the best way to go about it.

Plus I keep saying my A’s like a damned American. It just slips out, and I hate it. I know I’ll be understood but I’ll have an accent, and I don’t want one.

And to make me feel all the better about myself, I’m fairly certain I was the cause of the circuit breakers flipping while we were at class. Came home to no electricity, and my bro had to run around and make several calls before he found out how to check that. There’s no proof I’m to blame; could have been something else entirely. Nonetheless, I’m feeling the guilt of it, like I always do.

Pfft. I feel pretty stupid right now, overall. Or put in my place.

Still on my plate is meeting the mysterious R, my brother’s ex-sensei. I’d like to shed this self-deprecating attitude before that happens. Observance is what’s needed this evening, and that means no ego allowed. I’ll be listening to word choice and inflection, and watching body language. What’s actually said makes no damned difference to me. R is under the microscope tonight. I must take stock of all that’s NOT said verbally.

I’m just not sure if we can trust this guy.

A lot of my judgment is actually riding on how I’m greeted and treated, truth be told. My nose IS a little out of joint over the ‘need’ to meet J when he was here because he’s a released artist and the seeming lackadaisical attitude towards meeting moi, an artist with far more releases under her belt. Haven’t been sure where this has been coming from. It could be my bro, who, at times, seems to forget what I’ve done and do. That’s a phenomena I’ve always chalked up to sibling rivalry. I KNOW he heard ‘why can’t you be more like your sister?’ more times than he can count. And I’ve been okay with his occasional silence over my part in…well, in everything. If he feels like he’s been under my shadow in some respects, he’s got to carve out a place for himself, without me in it. Not to exclude me entirely in his life, but to have something all his own, with no comparisons to my work or abilities. Plus, I’m not entirely without ego over my own work. I’m very hard on myself – perfectionism in action – but there are things that I can give myself a pat on the back for even on my worst days (tho, granted, on my worst days I’m always afraid I’ll never be able to do anything like it again).

So I need to zip it tonight. Just shut the fuck up. Keep out of the conversation and just listen.

Ignorant people talk. And talk, and talk, and talk. Wise people listen. And listen, and listen, and listen.

I should put that one up on my wall.

Before I go silent tonight, for silence will be my aim, I’ll take time to roar a bit. For the last several days I’ve been wanting on and off to immerse myself in in marijuana smoke, my new songs, and my visualizer. For me, there’s no other roar like it. I can shout myself hoarse long before I feel the release that a 40 minute run thru of my stuff can give me. Besides, tonight is all about the music company (albeit only the bleeding tax side), so it feels right to put it out there in the ether. Stir things up a bit with those long bass waves before cutting it off cleanly to natural sound.

To silence.

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