Mid-day. My brain is busy conjugating Dutch verbs. It keeps working on Dutch longer and longer after every class. Soon I’ll ditch English in my brain entirely unless I’m writing or watching something from the BBC. Looks like beginning September I’ll be in a new class. New teacher, new building, new classmates. And a whole new learning regime. I only hope that my new instructor is as good as my current one. Getting a mush mouth or someone who screws me up isn’t going to go over well with me. In the meantime I’m cramming as much knowledge as I can possible stuff into my head while I still have my current instructor to correct me.

Wish I could feel more excited over this change. I’m not excited. Just apprehensive.

I don’t want change right now. I’m just starting to feel safe.

*sigh* But I guess there’s really nothing safe about learning a new language. You’ve got to put yourself out there, try to talk to people even if you screw up. It’s the only way to move forward.

Part of me already bemoans the loss of my lightening fast communication in English. The only answer to that is: drill, drill, drill.

Meanwhile, in other parts of my brain…

Last night’s telly viewing was difficult, particularly at first. All I could do was count how many men were seen vs women and in what context they were shown. When The Daily Show came on all I could think was that I’d been watching it since the beginning, with Craig Kilborn as host, and if media had fulfilled its lip service to fair representation of women, two of the three hosts The Daily Show has had should have been female. But no. Not one woman among them. Then it was onto a BBC panel show, which had a fairer representation: half women and half men. I cooled of a little bit. Wound up the night with Castle, which I enjoy – yet I couldn’t help but notice that although the main character is surrounded by females, it’s still a man’s show.

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me there comes a time I just have to throw up my hands and declare ‘Men!’ as the only possible answer to this continual conundrum. And that’s NOT a blame statement. It’s just an acceptance of the fact that the opposite sex simply can’t grasp this idea. They’re blinded to their blindness. Just as once the majority of men didn’t see a problem with slapping a girl on her behind or pinching her ass, the majority of men now can’t see the more subtle programming that’s present in every single thing the ‘modern’ world produces.

What I want to know is: what happened. I’m not completely ignorant on this subject. During a certain time period in human history, women were the rulers. Our ability to give birth was viewed as a mystical thing, the feminine essence was worshipped, and at least 50% of the deities prayed to were female. Then came the change. Men came to the forefront. Women were blamed for the original sin. Commandments came down that basically enslaved us.

So who was the woman that took it too far? Who was that one upstart that men felt so threatened by they erased her from history? The more I look at it, the more convinced I am that this is precisely what’s happened. We can see similarities in modern history, at least in the attempt to blot from history certain persons (after all, if those who re-write history are successful, we never find out what we don’t know). The saddest thing is, if I’m right, we’ll never know her name.

Let’s all raise a glass to those women we don’t know, the ones who came before us, who thought, who fought, and who’s voices have been drowned out by the passage of time. They are me, and they are you.

Okay…gonna climb off that pulpit for now.

I’ve got test results to pick up from my doctor’s appointment. The doc just said ‘call for the results’ and at the time I was too pleased that the appointment went well to question any further. Calling..on the phone…*shudder* I don’t think I need to reiterate how much I hate that in English, much less Dutch. I don’t know if I need to speak to the doctor of if someone else can relay the info and set up a further appointment if needed. So I’m not sure if I can just drop by and find out what I want to find out at the front desk. Need to make some sort of decision in the next 24 hours. Just imagining the lifeless voice of the automatic answering service – in Dutch – makes me wince. I’ve tried calling before.

Still. Props to me. One year ago and just going to the doctor’s to ask for an appointment made me break out in a sweat, never mind trying to call on the phone. Progress has been made, and that’s good. …Having a VERY difficult time accepting that. Very. difficult. My speed is just never fast enough, no matter what I do. I always see what I don’t know rather than what I do know.

I blame my mother. And my sister. My moster. Or my sither?

Yeah, let’s crack that brain wide open with nonsense. Just what it needs. Shut up.

Hey. I’m doing all I can to contain that shiver running up and down my spine. Don’t ask me for anything coherent.

In a few short hours I’ll be alone, able to let this madness loose via pacing and talking to myself, probably in tongues. There’s not many things I choose to do solo. But this? This is a one horse horror, and when she comes riding to town it’s best to skedaddle.



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