It’s been awhile – maybe even a few months – since my wake up time corresponded with the sun. 5.a.m. A time when the birds are busy as hell, or at least sound it. This morning my head mimicked the birds – chatter, chatter, chatter. I found unkind thoughts and old grudges surfacing, so wake up it was whether I felt tired or not.
Overall, things have been good. I’ve been good. No all day crying session, no blown out of proportion fights.
Yesterday I found my mood plummeting and a few sentences of self blame came out of my mouth before I pulled myself together. Frankly, the thoughts involved make me ashamed of myself and I’ve been avoiding putting them down in black and white. Because damn it! It’s pretty fucking petty in the grand scheme of things and I’m DAMNED well aware that life is treating me well right now, so feeling bad over something so fucking small makes me feel…well, small. Like a tiny baby wailing for attention. I’ve been ashamed of that, so I haven’t admitted to anything. Been trying to swallow it and take it in stride – all that shit. Right up to this morning, I would have said I was eating my pride without a problem. But this morning several warning flags went off for me, so no more avoiding.
I’m feeling dissed. That’s what it boils down to. Dissed as an artist and dissed as a person.
While my dear friend and fellow artist J was here for a visit it seemed rather important to my brother and to R, his sensei and the guy it seems we’re bringing on board to help us with our music sales, to try to get together so R could meet J. Now that J is gone, all talk of any meeting is also out the window. Like I’m not important enough to meet. I realize there was a time element to R meeting J (J was only in the country for 7 days and we don’t know when he’ll be back). R can meet me anytime. But he hasn’t. And my brother’s never said R wants to meet me. He was VERY clear that R wanted to meet J. So where, exactly, does that leave me?
Out in the cold.
Not a new sensation. Not when it comes to watching
men boys gang up on me. There just comes a time when girls aren’t part of the group. Doesn’t matter how punk you are, how cool you are, how well you skateboard or spit or fight – you’ve got a vagina and you’re just. not. wanted. The sex difference is the only thing I can attribute this to. I’m an active artist – a VERY active artist. Multiple releases spanning multiple genres. And I sell. Well, for our company. I also headed up the company for years and am the one with a business background. So to not see it as important to meet me, maybe even be the FIRST person an outsider would meet other than my brother, just doesn’t make sense. At all. The ONLY difference is that J has a penis and I don’t. Everything else should tip the scale in my favor. Yet here I continue to sit, hearing about plans for MY work third hand because R still hasn’t found time to meet me.
Tell me that isn’t getting dissed.
The thing is, I don’t know if it’s coming from R or my bro. My bro may be saying very little about what I actually do. He goes through that from time to time. Maybe he’s just taking me for granted – I feel that way a lot – or maybe it’s a bit of sibling rivalry. Whatever. It crops up from time to time, and I do my best to get through those times with saying nothing about it because I know it’s temporary and he’ll come around again. I also know saying anything is next to useless, if it pans out the way it has in the past. It will only result in an argument.
So now, every time R is mentioned my back kind of gets out of whack. I want to be enthusiastic; many of the ideas R is mentioning were things I tried to get off the ground years ago. Yet I always feel on the outside. Left out. Ignored. Dissed. Forgotten. All those lovely trigger words.
And how the fuck am I supposed to react when that meeting finally takes place? Uh, yeah, hi. I’m the artist who’s written everything on the website and the book you read. I’ve also got my solo work, my rock band work, my techno work, and some way out improvisational work. Plus the poetry. Look me up. I’ll fill the first six pages of your websearch. Nice to finally meet you.
No wonder I woke up with shit going on in my brain. Ugly remembrances of ugly people being ugly to me. I admit, I spent several moments imagining the worst of scenarios for these people. Cancer, death, fire, destruction of home and family – it went through my thoughts and I felt that horrible gratification of ‘deserved’ punishment. That’s what pulled my ass out of bed. I don’t want to be Kali. Not at all. As a child, I wanted wisdom. True inner wisdom. How I cursed myself! I saw the end result – some guru or something that impacted me as very calm and together, everything I felt I wasn’t – but didn’t understand what it would take it get there. What a bumpy road. I’d trade it in for blissful ignorance any day of the week.
Unfortunately, I’m not ignorant. And ignoring my shit just gets me dug in deeper. So I have to examine and dissect, look inside and find my truth. Every day. I’ve been negligent in that respect, not writing much. Correspondingly, I’ve not been speaking my truth much. It’s 100% enjoyable and necessary to take a break once in a while from self examination .
It’s also 100% necessary to get back to it.