It took everything in the house and everything the goddess could throw at me – all the bright colors I have everywhere, my games, fun music, and an almost overload of sunshine and fresh air – to pull me out of my weeping woman role yesterday. Loving someone is hard. Loving someone and losing them to time and circumstance is even harder.
I’ve been left with the practical: dishes, cleaning, transplanting my tomatoes. Stuff to do but it doesn’t feed your soul like having a good friend around. It does keep my hands busy. Fills my time. And let’s face it: I hate doing it, but feel good about the results. So I do it. I do it to make myself feel better as I sit in my chair relaxing, and I do it to give myself something concrete to do with my hands during the day.
Ugh. Back to THAT.
One week and I get my passport renewed. Two weeks and I’ll have my new shoes. My bro and I talked; we’ve made the decision that no later than July and we’ll take another train trip. Go somewhere we haven’t seen yet. That’s all stuff to look forward to.
I also spent time discussing music production with my bro. He’s my head engineer; he can wire ANYTHING together. Talked about getting both boards side by side and my plans to move forward. All of THAT is on hold ’til mid summer as well. I’ve a tantalizing offer to find NEW effects prior to my final takes. Can’t pass it up. And for the first time, I know what I want in a new effects unit. I know what I want to hear and what I want to see.
But not too exciting.
Ring-a-ding-ding. My computer is set to go off with alarms to remind me to do stuff, and I just had three pop up. Take my methotrexate (joy), get my blood work done (double joy), and get my passport photo taken (oh fuck! you’ve got to be kidding me!). *sigh* All that means I have to go out there. Better hop in the shower when I’m done here.
Ye gods! I can always tell when I’m not being completely forthright with something. It just nags and nags at me until I write it down. Fine.
Had a lovely (not) bulk email from my uncle this morning. He does that; crafts jokes or compiles historic pictures and then sends them out to his family and friends. Usually I don’t mind. He’s a funny guy with a good sense of humor, and often makes me laugh. But as he’s aged he’s become more of a touchy feely orthodox religious type of guy than just straight out funny. I get a lot of messages about his god. And a lot of ‘buck up, someone’s got it worse than you’ type of thing. Today I got a list from some goddess-only-knows web site. One of those things with basic life advice. Two items are stuck in my craw:
If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3 years.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Forgive them for everything.
First things first. *ahem*
IF YOU WANT TO PUT OUT A POSITIVE MESSAGE, DON’T RIDDLE IT WITH FEAR DRIVEN LANGUAGE! Jesus fucking Christ!! Let’s just throw the fear of DEATH into everyone’s faces. And THAT was number two on the list.
As for the second statement, I agree with the first part and disagree with the second. I strive to not hate. Probably doesn’t read like that sometimes, but I do. I work hard to let it go. But forgiveness? No. I don’t forgive. I won’t forgive. Forgiving, to me, means allowing that other person in again. Trusting them again. Letting them hurt you again (and again). I’m not a fucking patsy, and neither are you. Let’s get out of the rainbow room for kids and back into the real world: there are nasty pieces of shit out there that live to hurt you. It’s not nice, most of us don’t understand it, but it’s true. And if you really do let the wolves back into your life, the people who spouted forgiveness will the be the first to line up to voice another adage with a completely opposite viewpoint to ‘forgiveness’.
..And I realize something this morning. Those time worn sayings are spoken not as words of wisdom, but as words to silence us. As I scroll back down the list, most of the sayings are plucked right out of a Farmer’s Almanac. Might as well have included ‘early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise’. Pat sayings. Blanket adages. Statements too broad to argue against. And that’s the key. We don’t hear these things when life is good and we’re not complaining or hurting about something, right? We hear these things when we fall into a depressive state our friends and families can’t pull us out of. We hear these things when other people look at us and judge us to be out of control or off the deep end. It’s supposed to stop us, shut us up, and make us sit down like naughty little children to think about our behavior.
I am BEYOND being a naughty little child.
And I won’t. be. silenced.
Words of wisdom today: if you get a message that includes anything – ANYTHING – that pokes at you, nags you, sticks in your mind and can’t be erased, don’t swallow it. Rip it apart. Accept no one’s wisdom but your own. We’re all looking for guidance. That’s okay. But don’t make guidance your guru. Don’t accept anyone as an authority on YOU. Don’t let anyone tell you what you ‘should’ be doing. If you hear ‘should’ in any context, run. Don’t look back.
Damn! I’m full of fire this morning. My aunt would say I’m full of piss and vinegar. Never quite got that saying, but I have grown fond of it.
Piss and vinegar.