Leader of the Pack


I may never complain about the weather on holiday again. Just checked the internet for the latest update. Chance of rain today, definitely rain tomorrow when J lands, heavy rain on Tuesday, and thunderstorms by Wednesday. It’s not scheduled to clear up – or even have a chance of clearing up – until Friday. Un-freaking-believable. I only hope it’s typical Rotterdam rain, which leaves room between showers to get out and do a few things.

Went on a genocidal spree yesterday. Dust mites were my victims. You know how when pillows get old half the stuffing can end up being dust mites? Yeah. Think like that, only bigger. It wasn’t the pillows, it was our old reclining chairs. And I may have pulled half the ‘stuffing’ out with the hoover. Made me thoroughly ashamed that we’d been sitting in them while they held all that filth. Had to rinse out the hoover and all its parts when I was done; everything was covered in dead skin cells fine sand. Yuck. I also got that kind of close up inspection you don’t do unless you’re on a super clean binge. Saw the wearing and fraying of the fabric, the sun bleaching, and the general age of those chairs in crystal clarity. They definitely need replacing at some point.

My body keeps getting ready to go outside before my head is ready. Don’t know how else to put it. I keep finding myself getting all prepped to run errands or take a walk and then I stop, realizing my head is a thousand miles away, and need to spend 15 minutes talking to myself to mentally prep. It’s almost annoying.

Of course I’m having problems with sleep. Getting excited. Up early. Thank the goddess for caffeine and caffeine products! I’m guessing my intake will increase during the next week. Ah, then I get to go through caffeine withdrawal again. Doesn’t take more than three days of extra caffeine to get me to the point where I’ll have headaches as soon as I cut back. Joy.

I ran my needed errands and made my decision regarding the train tickets I was dithering over. That took a downtown trip, straight to the train station. Thank you, thank you (again) goddess, for sending me to someone with English. I was prepped with short questions in Dutch but SO happy to just be able to ask everything I needed answering in my native tongue! And she was VERY helpful, telling me I needed to check any time restrictions on the promotional tickets. The tickets are good for any time past 9 a.m., so that works for us. Spent 32 euro and saved an estimated 40. Yea!

The no so great news is that my brother has managed to let all the time slip by and STILL not activate his chip card for the train. That means we have to leave early tomorrow so we can stand in line at the train station to get his card activated. I reminded him several times. He ignored me. Now we have an unknown time delay in our schedule on the day we need to get to somewhere by a specific time. If he leaves the house today (in the rain) to run downtown and take care of his card, I’ll write a retraction of this paragraph. Otherwise…Well, it will be damned difficult to not let ‘I told you so’ slip from my lips tomorrow.

Shoulda just taken his card with me when I went to the train station and got it activated right then and there.

Ach! I REFUSE to get excited over it. Flat out, uh-uh, not gonna happen. He’ll have to deal with rising early; I’ll have to deal with his grumpiness. There’s always immersing myself in my iPod.

We may be playing host to my brother’s sensei this week as well. He mentioned he’d like to stop by and meet all of us. Seems like he’s getting more and more involved with the music side of things. That’s cool; he KNOWS people. People in business, people who know other people. The dojo is in an industrial park area, and next door neighbors include some game development and corporate film companies, both of which need music. Right now, my bro’s sensei – let’s call him R – doesn’t want an official title, but he will be working on commission and get a cut of any deal he hooks us up with. I’m excited; it’s what I was talking about for over a year now. Finally everyone else is catching up with me…

It’s hard being ahead of the pack most of the time. Seriously. It’s lonely. I feel like I talk to a blank wall a lot. Everyone nods, says I have excellent points and yes it all sounds right and then they bugger off and ignore every bit of advice I’ve said. Then a year or two years or ten years down the line they all come back to me with this ‘new idea’ which is basically EXACTLY what I said earlier (which they all magically ‘forget’). Drives me bleeding insane.

It’s also hard for me to see other people mimic what I’ve done and have greater success at it because they know more people or are better at marketing or maybe even just better at it than I was. Had a hit of that this morning on twitter. A poet I worked with years ago now has a spoken word album out that includes music. Guess who turned him and a dozen other UK/Irish poets onto THAT idea? I know it’s a great compliment that I influenced them enough to do it. I take that compliment, and I LIKE it. But really. What I did at the time was very difficult. Very hard on me. It was very well received, but it drained me. I’m glad to see other people having success, and yet…*sigh* I don’t know. Maybe it would be nice if they acknowledged that I was the one that influenced them. A thanks for the idea, the inspiration. Before I’m dead. I might be glorified post mortem; oh, SHE was my inspiration for this, SHE was the first person I saw do all of this, etc. etc. No doubt. That doesn’t do squat for me now.

Ah, well. Whoever said it’s lonely at the top almost got it right. Forget the top; it’s lonely out in front.


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