Recharge

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Less than a week before J comes to visit and the gauntlets are off. No dust is safe in my house. It will get tracked down, hunted, sucked up, swept, picked up, and tossed away. Be gone ye devils of old skin flakes! I swear between those and all the hair I’ve lost that gets tangled in the hoover this place probably needs an exor-cleaning: In the name of Jesus I command you to be clean. Be gone, Satanic dust bunnies that run ahead of the hoover with a mind of their own. Be gone, foul masses of hair that seem plucked from Beelzebub’s head himself – be gone! Wind yourself no more among the moving parts of my hoover. Weave yourself no more among the fibers of every chair. In the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ, and the holy ghost, I command you to LEAVE this house.

Maybe I did it wrong. 😉

Been busy every day. Errands out in the world (which I’m handling better and better), chores here (goddess! the place is looking good!), even a PHONE CALL (which scared the living shit out of me and I had to rehearse for 10 minutes prior) to order Indian take-away. Yesterday I swam, then popped up around 11 a.m. to begin cleaning off the bakers’ racks I have in the kitchen corner. They’re great; big, heavy wooden things that can handle a lot of weight and still look good. They’re also difficult to clean. Everything must come off before you can clean the shelving and then of course everything must be cleaned off before going back on. One down, one to go.

I checked in with the girl, to make sure everything was okay before J comes for his visit. The session was pretty topsy-turvy; she ended up telling me to calm down, relax, take it easy. In re-reading what I wrote, the girl is calm. It’s me who’s over the edge. I put ‘my’ parts ALL IN CAPS. And I can tell from the fast, disjointed talk that I was manic when I wrote.

I am neither surprised nor over it.

Springtime. Never as high flying as autumn, but there. It’s the change in season that does it, I think. Nature’s flux sends me into orbit.

Sleep is odd. I’m sleeping ‘enough’, I guess. I make eight hours. I feel like the walking dead when I get up, though. Like I could keep sleeping another eight hours if only my head would let me. Can’t, so I get up. Then I have a three hour or so wind up in the morning – usually fueled with some coffee – and off I go, a modified version of the Energizer Bunny (I don’t DO pink). There’s no ten hours without sitting down anymore. Been making sure to take a break every couple of hours. Sit down for 20 minutes. I try for half an hour but can’t do it. So 20 minutes down, then I’m back up doing something or pacing around looking for something to do.

It’s productive.

My baby tomato plants are toddlers now, all in their own private little growing pots. All six are standing upright, strong, healthy. Every day I can see new growth. Very cool.

Half the shelving in my room is dust free. I’ve been intimidated by the job. It’s all step ladder and slow movement, getting stuff off the shelves to clean and then carefully repositioning everything. Going faster than I imagined, thanks to my current fast burn. Very easy to fall into that laser focus: the task is everything and everything is the task. Doesn’t matter what the task is. Right now it’s dusting the shelves. Get into that groove and suddenly half the day is gone and you’re further in your work than you anticipated at breakfast.

Honesty check in: still smoking too much. Haven’t cared. I know I’ll have to go through some withdrawal again. Just cutting back will be tough at first. Again: don’t care. I care about the now, and I’m choosing to smoke right up until I’m supposed to quit. I guess it’s just easier. And hells bells! I haven’t been belly aching about this problem or that lately. A few weeks of reprise from my usual internal hell is very welcome. Don’t mess with what’s working.

Been trying to slip more language work in. I’ve found the time to do it, it’s just…with this current hyperness I’m having a REAL hard time grasping and remembering stuff. I can regurgitate it for you. Doesn’t mean I’ll understand when you use the words in a sentence. Trying to move forward by telling myself I don’t need to remember all of it. Been reassuring myself that if I can learn one word, one small phrase each week outside of class I’m doing well. It’s not easy. Now’s when I read English so fast I practically speed read. Dutch…I miss too much. I don’t know the words. I can’t say them that fast in my head as I read. I’ve got through the second chapter of my teacher’s book, but my comprehension has gone way down. Strictly large picture stuff now; I’m getting zero nuance. And frankly I’m getting confused (in de war) over the various names I’m reading. Names of dogs, names of breeders, names of breeding associations, names of scientists, names of journalists, names of publicists. Oi! And NONE of it is John Doe. It’s all Leeder van de Dyrk or something like that. Long names. Names I’m unfamiliar with. Tough to keep straight.

Getting my hair done today. Yippee! It’s just long enough and the weather is just warm enough that it’s been bugging me. Hope to get some of the heaviness cut out. But sitting there for an hour and a half today is gonna be tough. Last thing I want to do is sit on my ass. Even if it DOES mean a head massage while they shampoo my hair.

Well. I guess I’ll use the time to recharge. Sit in zone mode. Get it right and it’s a self-hypnotic thing. I can feel refreshed and more alert. It can look weird; just saw the film Dark Skies and my bro said I look similar. Kind of just stand or sit there with a vacant look on my face (though he’s pretty sure in my case it’s not due to aliens).

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Just recharging.

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