I Have Purpose

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Didn’t take the time to blog yesterday. I planned a full day and felt mining my own brain was bit too much, so not blogging was my kindness to me. With hoovering, dusting, dishes, making the bed, finishing up laundry, and taking a walk on my plate I thought maybe I’d appreciate a morning of playtime rather than introspection. By 10 a.m. playtime was over, it was time to get dressed and down to work.

By 11 a.m. I was done. With the housework, at least. And YES, I put a dramatic pause in that bit of writing because one hour to do all that WAS dramatic.

All the work my bro (and I; let’s not discount my part in it) has been doing paid off just in hoovering time. Used to take me close to an hour to do this tiny place because there was so much to get around, move, get under. Yesterday I picked up the unit and carried it around the house as I walked because it was THAT FAST. I was done in 15 minutes, and that included getting under my bed.

Similarly, my walk went THAT FAST. Headed out into the nice weather, feelin’ good. My pace kept picking up. The day was sunny, and it felt good to walk, to move my legs and feet. Before I knew it I’d completed a 75 minute walk in 40 minutes. Bam!

I had time to come back, take a shower, and watch a couple of things on the tv system I’d recorded. All before 5 p.m.

The girl’s time lapsed. Didn’t need to talk to her; she’s been talking to me. And she’s sounding like this:

I’m so freaking PROUD of you! Look at all you accomplished this week. All the stuff you kept up around the house, the errands, learning Dutch. And not one hissy fit. Not one self pity party. Not one rage dump. You’ve actually been SMILING, you know that, right? I’m so excited I could jump over the moon!

We were on such a high that when we opened up our browser and saw my bookmarked page for the English speaking theatre group in Rotterdam, I filled in the contact page. Introduced myself. Set the wheel in motion. And I got a response. They’re in production now, but I’ve been invited to help out backstage – which you bet your sweet ASS I’m going to do! Meet some people. Have something to take me out of the house a few times a week. Socialize. I was also told that if I was interested in acting a new production would be underway in September/October. IF I’m interested! ROFL! Perfect timing for me. My RA will be at it’s least painful point and I’ll be flying on my annual autumnal manic period. In the meantime I can meet the people involved, find out where the place is, get to know the in’s and out’s of the group.

The girl’s statement to me is echoed again because I’m so freaking excited!!!!  

Who needs therapy when THAT sort of thing is happening?

Okay….well, maybe the answer is me, but it won’t be because I’m bloody depressed. FINALLY. Finally something to get me out, meeting people who have similar interests. And it’s more than that. Finally I’m going to find out, REALLY find out, if I still love acting the way I used to. If it’s still the secret desire in my heart. If I’m still capable of doing it. Give me one chance. Just one. One chance to bring people to tears, to make them laugh so hard they need to see the production again because they missed some dialogue. I SO won’t blow it.

Right now I feel like I could tackle just about anything.

Time to give props where props are due. A shout (silent, I know; he doesn’t read this blog) goes out to my bro, who’s been everything I ever wished he’d be in the support category. There was a day when the multitude of things I did around the house went unnoticed and unremarked upon. These days, everything I do gets me a gold star. The good is feeding on the good and it’s a cycle I LIKE to see happen.

Suddenly I have goals. Things to look forward to. Real life things, meaty things you can sink your teeth into and get real sustenance from. I’m lapping them up with gusto. Part of me feels starved of that kind of thing, and I guess I have been. I want to shake off every ghost, every demon that’s attached itself to me. Burn them off with this fire.

This is it. In life, timing is everything. The last time this kind of set up occurred to me I was only 17, and I allowed my mother to effectively kill the dream before it even saw the light of day. Not this time. This time it’s carpe diem. Don’t ask me how I know the timing is right. It just IS. I can feel it. The door is open and I can walk through.

In six months I could be more ME than I’ve been in a long, long time.

Bring it on, baby.

…In the meantime, today is today. Back to the here and now. It’s forecast to be a balmy 18C today. Figure it might be the day to go out in the hazmat outfit and try cleaning up the balcony. Scrubbing bird shit should be enough to bring me back to reality. It’s hard to keep up fantasies of super stardom when you’re out cleaning up excrement. There. Just typing excrement sent a bolt of reality thru me. Excrement. Shit-shoveling. Hardly something I’d imagine Dame Judi Dench doing.

Somehow everything is a little bit easier. Saying no to dessert is easier. Getting in exercise is easier. Running errands is easier. Learning the language is easier.

I know this could be temporary. Probably is. But one thing is different now. One thing has changed. That one thing is making all the difference.

I. have. purpose.

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