I did not hurt myself. Even took a long walk in the sunshine. No pushing, no rushing.

Letting go of what happened at my appointment is much more difficult. One problem I have with my own method of thinking before I react is that I lose the moment. You can never go back to deliver those perfect stingers. Yet my head keeps churning them out; should have said THIS when he said that, should have, should have, should have. I am reminding myself that I will, I will, I will say all the important things to my huisarts. I hope she is as enraged over what happened as..well, as a decent person should be. But her reaction is her reaction; I still have to deal with me. I still have to find a way to soothe myself, to tell myself that I’m not a bad person, that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t deserve it. Most importantly, I have to find a way to continue with this process.

Trust is never an easy thing with me. I trust people – right up to the first untrustworthy event. Then I never trust them again. Some would say that’s a fault; I see it as learning from my mistakes. To get over an untrustworthy event with me is a major undertaking; it takes a hell of a lot of work. And the more severe the initial incident, the less likely I am to put myself in any situation where any amount of trust is required with that person. I am also unlikely to call anyone out on trust issues; to tell people that I’ve been slighted reveals my vulnerabilities, and I’m hardly likely to do that when I feel like I just got dissed in some manner. My trust in Yoda, and by extension Heike and the entire Addiction Central clinic I’ve been going to, is shattered. I’m doing my best to not let the shrapnel hit anywhere else; my paranoia is jumping out, painting everyone in the mental health care system with the same brush. Not everyone will treat me like that.

The many things I left unspoken is what got me out of the house yesterday. The sunshine and a few errands helped, and gave my walk purpose, but they were not the reason I put my shoes on. I put my shoes on to try and stay a step ahead of my brain, to try and get away from the incessant replays of scenarios that I can’t seem to break. It didn’t help. What did help was plenty of cold, frosty air; enough to numb out my legs and sting my cheeks (both sets). Get chilled enough and that’s all you really think about.

I ended up walking to my bank branch to ask about internet purchasing. AH! All my questions are now answered. Apparently if I found a game manufacturer here in NL that I liked, I’d have no problems buying on line. It’s only when I buy outside of NL that there’s a problem. And of course that’s what I’m trying to do. Bottom line: I need a prepaid credit card. In talking with my brother after I got home, we decided to buy a prepaid credit card for the house. He needs things, I need things, and neither of us want to fuck around with TRYING to get thru all the Dutch our computers automatically swap to as soon as we do anything with our bank or any company in NL. Ach! I’m all for challenging myself with the language, but honestly! You got to know what the fuck you’re doing on some level. Give me the damn English.

Been wanting to slight myself on my Dutch; I haven’t gone back to computer lessons or to go over any of my homework. What I have been doing is 10-15 minutes of drills on an app I loaded on my phone. It’s sort of a flashcard thing; it gives you 20 words in quick succession and then asks for spelling and word recognition. If the damn thing could correct my pronunciation it would be killer. And it won’t help me form sentences, just learn words. Still. More than half my problem is that my vocabulary is too small, so this suits me well.

Ik moet proberen. I must try. Proberen (try) is my new word (thank you phone app). Interesting how it almost looks like ‘problem’, isn’t it? I wouldn’t be surprised to find the same root word in both ‘problem’ and ‘proberen’. That would be very Dutch. One wouldn’t need to try if there wasn’t a problem to solve, yes? I’ve got plenty of proberen to get thru in my life, then.

…*sigh* My whole body snapped like a bowl of rice krispies when I got out of bed this morning. My toes still sound that way. Not a lot of pain, or not more than I usually have. But a lot of noise!

I walk this line every day. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I do my best to move forward while not harming anyone or anything – these days, that includes me. I balance my RA, my emotional roller coaster, my triggers, my unbridled brain. While I’d like a whole new way to deal with everything, I don’t want to unbalance myself when there’s no other support system in place. That’s what it feels like everyone is asking me to do: unseat myself and allow myself to get dragged behind the horse called Shitty Life long enough for them to figure out exactly how I’ve got my foot caught before they stop the fucking nag to unhook me. They’re not listening to me scream that I’m pretty sure I know how I got my foot caught, won’t you please help me stop this fucking horse? Which means, on some level, they don’t believe me. Trust me.

Als ik moet proberen, zij moeten proberen.



4 thoughts on “Proberen

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