What the fuck am I doing here?

By 5 p.m. yesterday, that was the only question on my mind. And for once it had nothing to do with existentialism and my place in the Universe, and everything to do with the very real walls of Addiction Central.

Yoda either suffered a concussion or went out back to blow a joint before our appointment. He interrupted me several times, cutting me off mid sentence. He forgot that I make music and write, and he seemed to completely space that last time he asked me for my web address to check out some of my work. Our time was short. He kept me waiting for 20 minutes and then just took it off my appointment; at a maximum we spoke for 40 minutes. Yoda took more time trying to remember some funny films from Woody Allen and the Coen brothers than he did acknowledging anything I told him. I was told I’d want sex again, and my statement about the abusive ex-turned-stalker was literally waved off by Yoda’s hand.

Maybe I should have nicknamed him Groucho instead.

No testing was done. Bipolar and ADHD were not mentioned. I was told to keep seeing Heike. I said, ‘So…that’s it? Just see Heike and cut back on smoking?’ (The ONLY thing Yoda was consistent on was his opinion that I should not quit smoking, just cut back.) He responded yes, that’s exactly what I should do and Heike could set up an appointment with him if I needed one in the future.

I’m still in shock. Yoda didn’t even remember I was 50 years old, which a quick look at my file would have told him.

Oh, the echoes of family harm have been strong since! I’m being ignored, forgotten, brushed aside, dismissed. All because I’m the problem child, a freak, hysterical, out of my head, crazy. No, wait. I’m not crazy; Yoda said yesterday ‘So you’re fine’ – a statement that elicited derisive laughter from me, but maybe that sarcasm got lost in translation. He certainly seemed to treat me like all I was was some dope head that needed to stop being in such a fog (as IF!).

While I kept remarkably calm through everything yesterday – and I did, I DID keep remarkably calm thru the whole thing – I couldn’t sleep last night without taking an Ativan, despite my shorted sleep the previous night. 20 hours up without a nap or rest and I said fuck it. My eyes were dry, I was yawning and tired, but my head couldn’t shut off. I took it for me and I took it as a fuck you to Yoda and Addiction Central.

I SAID a lot depended on my visit with Yoda. And it did. I just didn’t realize how many things depended on that visit until I was shown the door and sent on my way in a cloud of bewilderment.

Today is Saturday, not a day to dick around with the health system that largely runs Monday thru Friday. Come Monday, though, I’m marching over to my huisart’s office and getting a double appointment with her. While my mental health is not her forte, she does have the last word in my health care in general. She needs to hear about what’s been going on; the cancellations, the back and forth, and now the complete dismissal by Yoda. I’ve thought all night about this one, and my decision is that I will not go back there. Come Monday I’m canceling my appointment with Heike. That makes me a bit sad; I just got thru a host of problems with her and had real hope that we were going to start working as a team. But I will not – EVER – go to see Yoda again. I will not sit in the same room as a man who blows off with a casual hand flip any woman, including me, who says the word ‘rape’. Not again. Forget it.

It’s tough to not want to hurt myself today. Push myself until pain comes. I feel like I deserve it. The treatment I received yesterday is reinforcing that feeling for me, and my anger over the issue is mixing with my self loathing to the point that I am in danger. Very much so. Sitting still will be a challenge.

One joint smoked and like I give a fuck today how many I puff down…

I figure there are three possible outcomes I’m looking at. The first is that I’ll get on the waiting list for Addiction Central’s northern clinic (I’ve been traveling an hour each way to go to the southern one) and begin the entire merry-go-round again, with new therapists and psychiatrists to deal with. The second is that I’ll get an appointment with the original center that demanded I ‘get clean’ for 30 days. I’m willing to do that, all on my own, but I want the appointment set up before I begin. I won’t get clean and then wait another 2 months while they dick me in the system. The third is I’ll say fuck off to the entire idea and keep limping thru my life as I’ve been doing. It was hard enough for me to ask for help in the first place. Took me 50 goddamn fucking years to do it, for christ’s sake!

And why the fuck was my file marked ‘urgent’ – which I KNOW it was because I was TOLD it was – and here I sit, still spinning around and getting NOWHERE? Something’s amiss in the land of bliss.

While I’m confused and angry, I am very proud of (1) the way I handled myself during the appointment and (2) the fact I quickly realized something was WRONG yesterday and did my best to not internalize it. Yes, I’ve taken some of it in. This is the first time I’m trying to do this, to see what really happens, to hear and smell and feel the triggers and know that they’re triggers, and not buy into it. I defended myself well yesterday. Yes, that defense looked a bit like retreat into myself; I said less and less to Yoda the more and more bizarre his behavior became. THAT was a wise fall-back. I kept myself safe and semi-distant from him, able to observe his behavior while suffering the fewest of his verbal and nonverbal shots at me.

I should not feel at war with my doctors.

Time to do what I’ve been dancing around: fire their asses and find someone else to work with.


24 thoughts on “FIRED!

  1. *smh* asshole. So utterly insensitive. Obviously you gotta do what’s right for you, but I think my approach would be to keep ‘auditioning’ medical professionals till there’s someone good. Strongs for you mate, I’m sorry you had to go through more shit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *hug* Thanks, Blah. I just don’t get what happened between my first appointment and Friday. Maybe it was some note made by Heike. Certainly, I HAD to speak up to correct Yoda at one point. He asked me about my sleep, I told him I’m usually up several times and rarely feel rested. He said something like I could always take an Ativan, I’d been on it for 6 years. WHAT?!? Corrected THAT bit of misinformation very fast. At least I can do that when a fact comes up; still kind of kicking myself that I didn’t do it on all the rest. The entire incident points to poor and sloppy behavior on their side. I’m willing to be lenient to a point; I know I’m dealing with human beings who have their own lives and their own shit. I’m not willing to be put thru some cookie-cutter process because they’re just ignoring me. Nope. No more; never again. Deal with me – with ALL of me – or fuck off. I think that’s my new motto….


      1. I’m still thinking of writing a letter. However, the system here works from the huisarts up. I’ve been told on several occasions that anytime I experience problems, she’s the first one I go to. I may even bring it up with her; I feel the treatment was bad enough that Yoda should receive some sort of reprimand or mark on his file. Had I been in any other frame of mind walking into the appointment, that might have set me over the edge. I got lucky.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ll trust it until it fails me. So far, it hasn’t. My huisarts is very kind, always listens, and so far has been my best ‘therapist’. I’ve broken down and cried in her office more times than I can count. It’s just not her job to do that, and I realize that.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Its one of the hardest things in the world to find a good doctor, that’s why most of us get stuck in the mental health care cycle that seems hopeless. It’s not your fault though, it’s laziness on their behalf when someone’s too hard to diagnose they just say fuck it, see a therapist instead of figuring out what’s wrong first. Good doctors do exist but there’s no guarantee you’ll ever find a perfect match. This is why the system is flawed because you either deal without help or get worse in the process of trying to get help. Really sorry this had to happen though, it’s hard not to give up hope when you get let down by professionals.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Kim. My brother’s been reminding me that he’s already gone thru several doctors trying to find someone to work with. It helps to know other people have had similar things happen to them. It’s still very difficult to deal with when it happens to you, and this whole thing is new to me so I feel particularly vulnerable. Been reminding myself that I can tell them all to fuck off anytime; just go back to where I was, smoking as I please and surmounting my obstacles as best I can.

      I’m just still so shocked at the about-face Yoda gave me. The first time I felt we really connected, really talked. This time I felt like he didn’t even know who I was, like he mixed up my file with someone else.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I got sent to one of the supposed ‘best’ psychiatrist in my area a little while ago. He told me to grow up, stop throwing tantrums. People are fucking arseholes, doctors are just entitled arseholes who get more money. He told me no medication or therapy could help me, the you just grow out of bdp and that I’ll just have to get over the abuse that happened to me when I was 11. But I also have a doctor that’s stuck by me since I was 17, it’s fucked because they should all just care. They earn a lot of money it’s just crap

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah. Still…It may take me a few days (or weeks) to process this amount of shock. Feels like walking into a doctor’s office for a cough and having your arm removed…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so pissed off at Yoda!!! Disgraceful behaviour from him! Just wave off rape? Are you fucking kidding me?

    I agree with Blah and Kim. Keep auditioning therapists and doctors until you find one who actually listens to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your righteous anger. It helps me to know other people find that behavior unacceptable. ❤

      I'm still very puzzled over what happened. More puzzled than angry, tho the anger is coming more and more to the surface. Been thinking of writing a letter, but I'm afraid anything I say will be disregarded due to any notes, labels, or 'diagnoses' they've put on me already. Doing my best to calm myself; the only thing I can do is present my case to my huisarts in a cool and precise manner. I'll probably write it out and take something along with me to read to her.

      I'll try to adopt the mindset of interviewing therapists. That's very difficult to do. I need to share certain info to get the process rolling, yet every time I share something personal I open myself up to feeling more for that relationship than I should.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve just been thinking, after reading your latest post… Why not ditch Addiction Central altogether for now, and just try to find a decent psychiatrist?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That would be great, if it’s possible. I honestly don’t know what my options are at the moment. One more reason to go back to my huisarts, get her up to speed, and see what she says. If my insurance covers it, all I need is a referral.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Q. I’m not sure how people can do that, morally or professionally. I wouldn’t/couldn’t try again if it wasn’t for you and everyone else out here (and my brother; can’t forget him) helping me, telling me it was wrong and not my fault, and encouraging me to keep looking. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, that’s the beauty of blogging, isn’t it? You learn that your experiences aren’t that strange (or they are, but many others have had them too), that your feelings are normal reactions to abnormal experiences, and that it’s possible to get good help and get better. Plus there are a lot of people cheering for you through dark days.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. That’s been coming up a LOT lately and it’s hard to combat. Very hard, and I feel I keep losing ground to self hate right now. It doesn’t help that my huisarts said she couldn’t help me. Apparently Yoda just had a bad day…

      Liked by 1 person

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