It’s Up To Me


Nothing like waking up at 4 a.m. and remembering suddenly that this is the year I’ve got to get my passport renewed. The thought just came to me on the heels of a dead sleep. After that it was just toss and turn as more and more thoughts sprang to mind. Today’s appointment with Yoda. The meanness of my sister. Having to put my cat to sleep.

It was the thought of my cat that got me up. I’m still not able to think too much about that. All I do is cry. I don’t even want to write much about it, so I’ll just leave it by saying it’s a very depressing thought.

My brother has this mad plan to go shopping this evening. Friday is the day in Rotterdam when all the stores stay open late so everyone can get what the hell they need without taking time off from work (it’s Wednesday in Amsterdam). He wants to go to the mall after dinner tonight. Most nights after dinner I’m not up to doing much besides watching tv, and even then I fall asleep half the time. And he wants to drag me around the mall? Oh, I’ll never make it. Not after the afternoon that’s planned, which will sit on top of the morning I’m already having.

And it’s not so much that I’ve a million tasks to take care of; I don’t. There’s really only one thing written in big, black marker across my mind today: YODA. Been doing the whole shrink it down visualization, but the appointment is a bigger issue for me and the visualization isn’t working. Too many things hinge on today.

I’ve been talking over the real possibility of me going into the clinic to stop smoking with my brother. In my typical fashion, I’ve been vacillating on the issue. Maybe it would be the right thing to do. Go in, get it over with. There’s a lot of practical issues to confront first. My RA meds, for one. I must have access to them, and some need to be kept at a constant temp in a decent refrigerator. Then there’s the practicality of my diet. Mornings without my oatmeal made with goat’s milk would just screw up my whole system, and oatmeal made with goat’s milk is hardly a common item on a menu – anywhere. Would they let me out to attend my language class? If not, I’ll fall behind and I’m not really willing to do that. And are they ready to handle what might happen with my RA? What if I wake up in the middle of a seizure of pain, like I did once? They can’t blow that shit off or tell me it’s all in my head, because it won’t be. Finally, what about language? Would I just sit there unable to interact much because of my limited Dutch? All of these questions must be answered before I do anything. And a lot depends on Yoda’s opinion. He didn’t strike me last time as someone who saw me as bipolar this or ADHD that. It seemed like he saw me, not the symptoms of my illness.

I’m not sure what will happen at my appointment today. There’s lots to get thru; I think it’s still important to convey to Yoda the problems I’ve had with Heike even tho for the moment she and I have worked thru them. He also needs to hear about the ups and downs over the last 30 days and Heike’s suggestion to take a time out. Plus I know he wants to begin his own assessment of me, which will probably include some tests. At least I still have the afternoon to winnow down what I need to tell him.

My flat spell yesterday broke after an afternoon of horror. Shit. Okay. I can’t say the horror broke it for sure. What broke it was a mini-cry. Some news got flashed across the tv screen; for the record it was the announcement that Trump has the US republican nomination pretty well sewn up. I got angry. My brother said something along the line of ‘stop getting so upset’. That did it. Because in my brain, the ‘stop getting so upset’ quickly became ‘stop what you’re feeling’ and for the first time in my life I became aware of that swap. And just as quickly came the knowledge that my brother wasn’t telling me not to feel, he just didn’t want to see me wind myself up. But I was at that point where not winding myself up was next to impossible. It took a lot of breathing, shutting my brother down on the subject (for some reason, it was okay for him to talk about but not for me to talk about), and a swap to stupid videos before I could let it go. *sigh* And it still bothers the fuck out of me.

A lot of the outside world bothers the fuck out of me. I don’t get people who tell me not to get upset over it, not to worry about it, it doesn’t affect me. What shit are you on? Gimme some, damn it! I can’t NOT think about it. Maybe you’re too much in your own bubble, if that doesn’t bother you. Ever think of that? No, because it’s outside of your box. Here, let me put a pan of water down for you.

Of course I was running low on smoke yesterday and of course I thought I could get thru. This morning things look very different. Of course. Silly me, counting on myself to be strong…Whoa, that was bad. Let me leave it, because the thought occurred, but correct it. I had an error in judgement. It’s easily correctable with a short metro trip. In the meantime, I’ve a few tasks to keep me busy and a bit of grass left to get me thru it. And I have an opportunity to be even more mindful of my moods today. I can leave for my appointment early, stop off at the coffeeshop and have a toke before picking up the train to see Yoda. Or not. It’s up to me.


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